I feel different. Defeated to be mature, I think. Sanely my mind has begun to think since I found the group of INFJs online.
I want to tell myself, to stop with ‘buts’ because they are excuses. Fell asleep too many times today. My right hand has been numb for 2 weeks. My 2 pinky toes numb. Similar feeling at the back of my left knee. Little Sister tells me it’s diabetes. I agree, although I haven’t been able to check it out medically yet (I keep forgetting to NOT eat before blood test). But, I also feel like I’m slowly saying goodbye to the world.
- Out of all the envy I have to people being able to travel all around the world, those are just not meant for me. I’m glad they are able to experience, may they become better people to tell of their journey and what they have learnt.
- Out of all the jobs and opportunities, I have remained here in the same organisation since 2005. All the interviews and effort turned futile. I accept that this will be my forever company as it fits to be 8 minutes drive away from my home and close to whatever else I need to have.
- The regrets, hurt and disappointments with relationships. People relationship. I know I suck. I know I’m a jerk, like big time jerk. But I’m truthful and blunt. I’m sincere. I hope you will forgive me, forgive my words that has hurt your heart and your pride.
- Love. I have so much. But I shield myself from the possible hurt and I’m constantly sangry (sad-angry) inside. Sangry with people for not seeing, sangry for unfixable situations, sangry with myself for my own limitations.
- So I also hurt, for this feeling of abandonment. I always feel abandoned. Do you abandon me because I’m clingy? Me asking too much from you? Me, talking about things you don’t like? My drama of how I need to see a psychiatrist? Me, being abandoned because you hold your own shame towards me? Because I’m weird, or my aura pries into you too much?
I understand. But it’s something that’s too much for me to keep inside with no one being able to talk about it. I’m confronting my anger issues. Like, how people say I’m self-absorbed. I don’t get to speak much. There are so many things conversation bubbles clouded in brain that I need to be self-absorbed when I’m with you so I can know what’s going on. It’s a two-way street. I will drink coffee and hold your hand when you tell me yours. So you need to understand me. That I’m very private and I trust you with my stories, just as I, with you.
Will I be able to forgive myself for having people leave me? For all the faults that I may or may not know precisely of their reasons. Actions have happened. From the period of your silence, it is irrelevant to pinpoint whatever. I move on. The past, cannot be helped with, unless with patience and forgiveness.
Do I make any sense to you, my friend; of how down I am? I will leave low my bitterness that comes and goes like the tides of sea.
If it is death that comes,
- It was never meant to be for me to travel to those places I’ve desired. To do all the things I’ve thought of but never had the courage to pursue. To spend time just seeing and listening you talk with me about your day and your life.
- Fate knows otherwise. Take care of yourself. Learn to love yourself and know your value. Take care of your family. Take care of my children. And take care of my family, the way how you’d know I’d appreciate you to. In return, you will have yours cared for, as fate writes it.
- I feel miserable in a way. I have been for some time. Trying to prove myself worth of stopping to search contact with you. Telling myself enough you treating me like I’m already dead to you. Edging myself from what I feel is desirable to you. I can’t tell you I’m miserable. You’d be happy about it, or decide to inch yourself away from me by guilt. I only hope that you will not treat people the same way, just because you feel like you can.
I have so many feelings folded inside. All of which has been anonymous postings online. I have no one to talk to. I am lonely. I raise my hands off on some things that I just decide not to carry the burden onto myself anymore. My brains clutters.
DH, my children, my family, extended families and friends. You don’t know this part of me. You don’t know how many blogs I have as they fit me when I post them. You don’t know how many random times I can’t cry, and the times when tears just flow out non-stop, like now.
I’m at my desk. I’m supposed to be working. But my mind is off. I’m doing this. It would be nice to be held by someone who cares about me. Sincerely. Just hold me in and let me cry. Drain every drop of my emotion. Without saying a word.
I have so much love to give. But they don’t know how much my love is worth. So it’s okay, because you don’t know any better. And I hope you will learn to appreciate what you have soon.
Alas, this life. Then there is another.