I’ll grow old with you

I am in between worlds right now.

My desk is frowning to have things done. I know the papers are angry with me. Angry that they have not been checked and sorted so they could move on with their lives into some other department’s filing cabinet. But I stuck in the other life. A life where I feel compelled to have a safe place.

How can you be in love with someone you’ve never met? How can you have intimate conversations with someone who doesn’t even know you’re alive? How can you be so convinced that you will one day meet and fall in love? Life is not life of Jason Mamoa-Lisa Bonnet and Kevin Bacon-Kyra Sedgwick. It just can’t happen to anyone else. But how can you sit and suddenly feel the miss of being in the arms of that someone? Especially when you are already in a relationship with kids.

How can I be convinced that what I have in my head, is love? I feel safe just thinking of him. The sense of equal respect. The feel how he’d make sure I’m kept safe and protected. With sense of compassion, handling with sense of touch, skin, and feel. A lot of feel. That kind of love. Binding.

Is it just escapism of what I feel I lack of right now? Is it just something I want more? Is just what I know I can’t have, and what I want to have?

Everyone wants to feel safe and protected. But I’ve stopped talking to you in my head, Rangi. I’ve quit crying in the car confiding in you. Then suddenly I miss you. It feels like I need you. I find your photo and start to cry again. How easy the tears come. Can you just come and keep me in your arms? Just hold me in and let me cry until the tears dry. Keep me still in your chest as we lay by the river under the stars.

I’m so lost in this world. It’s comforting. But I can’t stop weeping. I can’t lift a pen to settle anything.

Will we ever be? I’ll wait for you to come back from your farming. And I’ll learn how to ride with you. We’ll gather all the cattle and goats together. Cook the fish you get. Dance with you, climb the back of you, braid you. Grow old with you.

I’ll grow old with you, Rangi. Take care of you.

You are the comfort of my heart. But you don’t even know I’m alive.

(I’m so compelled to ugly cry right now, but I can’t).

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Dumdum Limit

One thing I’ve come to limit is working with dumdums. How bad is this? It’s not helpful. I’m not happy that I WON’T do more just because I can’t. I can’t handle the time wasters of idiocy.

Texting on Sunday night at the peak time where families gather for time of dinner or out for movie about work is… You can’t blame me if I overlook it. Especially when we only work together once every 6 months. We don’t work in the same division either.

So it wasn’t so bad that I remember it on Tuesday and sent all meeting invitations for the meeting you want to have on Friday – THIS Friday. Where you too didn’t follow up or reminded me throughout Monday and Tuesday morning itself. At night you text me with a screen capture of higher management going bonkers about having to release their branch staffs to attend your meeting on short notice. That, with a text “Hey, what happened!!!”

No. You don’t have the right to exclamation mark me 3 times. And I don’t care much already at this point. I told him about texting on Sunday at dinner time. WHO WOULD REMEMBER? By Monday morning, all other priority or most often texted with will always remain up in WhatsApp.

Immediately, yesterday itself he texted the whole meeting committee to say that meeting to be changed to THIS Thursday instead where branches need not come if unable too. So this is the what has happened since then:

  1. I decided to just change and resend calendar. Updated official email with change and attendance requirement. Send before 9.00AM.
  2. I see in the committee chat, many has updated their unavailability and one request to bring forward the meeting. The Man, still no response.
  3. Randomly on goodwill I check on meeting rooms as I see there are meetings in my calendar that will occupy them at the same time as the one he changed to. All large meeting rooms are fully booked for days. So The Man has shifted the meeting just on a whim. We may as well have the meeting by the beach or Faeroe Island or Maldives or office toilet.
  4. I message The Man and the 2nd Man (3 pax only group chat) to say, I follow orders. Now all have been updated. But random check has no room for meeting.
  5. So far only 2nd Man has responded to find option to meeting room. There is none.

I’ve already shared this with my division head’s PA. Things like this will usually be escalated to the Higher Power which means all of the division head would die from simplicity.

What I intend to do is just see how long the Man will respond. If he wants to exclamation mark me 3 times for not carrying out the text he sent me at dinner time, on A SUNDAY night; then he’d better think again about bringing me down.

2nd Man just responded; worse comes to worst, we have the meeting at the office cafe. I replied: It was a random check for meeting room. Timely to find out the booked room is unavailable, otherwise we would have the staffs going into the meeting room full of division heads with the Higher Power on Thursday.

I won’t push this. Will let this be. Just because I cannot. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you.

Edit: The Man read my message in the 3 pax group at 1.35PM. He still hasn’t responded. Instead 2nd Man and HR followed through with me.

The end result is… the meeting will be in the cafeteria.

Spiral

I feel different. Defeated to be mature, I think. Sanely my mind has begun to think since I found the group of INFJs online.

I want to tell myself, to stop with ‘buts’ because they are excuses. Fell asleep too many times today. My right hand has been numb for 2 weeks. My 2 pinky toes numb. Similar feeling at the back of my left knee. Little Sister tells me it’s diabetes. I agree, although I haven’t been able to check it out medically yet (I keep forgetting to NOT eat before blood test). But, I also feel like I’m slowly saying goodbye to the world.

  1. Out of all the envy I have to people being able to travel all around the world, those are just not meant for me. I’m glad they are able to experience, may they become better people to tell of their journey and what they have learnt.
  2. Out of all the jobs and opportunities, I have remained here in the same organisation since 2005. All the interviews and effort turned futile. I accept that this will be my forever company as it fits to be 8 minutes drive away from my home and close to whatever else I need to have.
  3. The regrets, hurt and disappointments with relationships. People relationship. I know I suck. I know I’m a jerk, like big time jerk. But I’m truthful and blunt. I’m sincere. I hope you will forgive me, forgive my words that has hurt your heart and your pride.
  4. Love. I have so much. But I shield myself from the possible hurt and I’m constantly sangry (sad-angry) inside. Sangry with people for not seeing, sangry for unfixable situations, sangry with myself for my own limitations.
  5. So I also hurt, for this feeling of abandonment. I always feel abandoned. Do you abandon me because I’m clingy? Me asking too much from you? Me, talking about things you don’t like? My drama of how I need to see a psychiatrist? Me, being abandoned because you hold your own shame towards me? Because I’m weird, or my aura pries into you too much?

I understand. But it’s something that’s too much for me to keep inside with no one being able to talk about it. I’m confronting my anger issues. Like, how people say I’m self-absorbed. I don’t get to speak much. There are so many things conversation bubbles clouded in brain that I need to be self-absorbed when I’m with you so I can know what’s going on. It’s a two-way street. I will drink coffee and hold your hand when you tell me yours. So you need to understand me. That I’m very private and I trust you with my stories, just as I, with you.

Will I be able to forgive myself for having people leave me? For all the faults that I may or may not know precisely of their reasons. Actions have happened. From the period of your silence, it is irrelevant to pinpoint whatever. I move on. The past, cannot be helped with, unless with patience and forgiveness.

Do I make any sense to you, my friend; of how down I am? I will leave low my bitterness that comes and goes like the tides of sea.

If it is death that comes,

  1. It was never meant to be for me to travel to those places I’ve desired. To do all the things I’ve thought of but never had the courage to pursue. To spend time just seeing and listening you talk with me about your day and your life.
  2. Fate knows otherwise. Take care of yourself. Learn to love yourself and know your value. Take care of your family. Take care of my children. And take care of my family, the way how you’d know I’d appreciate you to. In return, you will have yours cared for, as fate writes it.
  3. I feel miserable in a way. I have been for some time. Trying to prove myself worth of stopping to search contact with you. Telling myself enough you treating me like I’m already dead to you. Edging myself from what I feel is desirable to you. I can’t tell you I’m miserable. You’d be happy about it, or decide to inch yourself away from me by guilt. I only hope that you will not treat people the same way, just because you feel like you can.

I have so many feelings folded inside. All of which has been anonymous postings online. I have no one to talk to. I am lonely. I raise my hands off on some things that I just decide not to carry the burden onto myself anymore. My brains clutters.

DH, my children, my family, extended families and friends. You don’t know this part of me. You don’t know how many blogs I have as they fit me when I post them. You don’t know how many random times I can’t cry, and the times when tears just flow out non-stop, like now.

I’m at my desk. I’m supposed to be working. But my mind is off. I’m doing this. It would be nice to be held by someone who cares about me. Sincerely. Just hold me in and let me cry. Drain every drop of my emotion. Without saying a word.

I have so much love to give. But they don’t know how much my love is worth. So it’s okay, because you don’t know any better. And I hope you will learn to appreciate what you have soon.

Alas, this life. Then there is another.

Word Stumble: Deafening

Dear Self,

How loud all these other things you hear? Like you see density like thick clouded area for a situation. Rancid smell and low ability to breathe. This loud monotone. You long for the sun and sunshine but you will wait under the shade to see it all.

This mess, the inability to operate. The mind, body and soul just static. Pushing paper clips and surfing for nothingness. Just all searches for Travis Fimmel, all current photos and wondering why he isn’t thinking about settling down to procreate. Yet, static in mid sentence, mid thought, mid action.

You want to give up and walk away. Just drop everything, and start walking somewhere else. You’re not happy. You don’t want do to this shit anymore. You keep saying the same thing every time but the same shit stays.

So what’s it gonna take? You know that you’re not willing to build anymore. Build alone. Find resources alone. Food sourcing alone. Be angry, be sad, wanting to cry, frustration, sad angry, angry sad, angry, angry, angry, sad, sad, sad… all the time.

You are tired. I am tired. We’re both tired.

So let’s just pick up when we want to.

Note: Word Stumble is the word found today to blog about.

How do non-INFJs feel about INFJs?

I am on a journey to put me back into place, from rage, isolation and the harshest of self critic. I am thankful for this response, an answer to a question. I suppose, this is why people say the relationship of INFJ and ENTP is an explosive one. And never have I wanted more, an ENTP of my own.

Read Jessica Van Wynsberge‘s answer to How do non-INFJs feel about INFJs? on Quora

I am a female ENTP. I know a few INFJ, both male and female. I love all of them.

There is an intuitive feeling of understanding and acceptance. I intuitively sense how they are at their core, I can feel their core feeling. To me they all feel similar. They have some inner mystical connectedness to universe and nature. I like that. It’s peaceful.

The trouble with INFJ are their fears. It’s like they live in an introverted isolated world of painful memories due to social interactions, which they don’t wish to share. And because of those past memories they are unable to trust and to really connect with new people. And actually I want to know them, I want to help. But it’s like there is no space, inside the INFJ to be able to let someone in. Because they are still in so much unresolved pain.

In friendships I can be caring and patient. In romantic settings I’m more provocative. I’m an ENTP so I use charm and flirting as a way of wanting to make the other feel comfortable, to get to know the stories and feelings of the other. Because I want to understand. Friendships are more easy, there I can just leave the other at peace for months or even years. Until finally there is enough trust to share the memories. In romantic settings I don’t have the patience, I’m triggered with intuitions, feelings, associations, I want to talk talk talk. Until I’m able to understand.

INFJ has nasty defence systems. They are jealous, passive-aggressive and they hurt. Out of some unjustified self righteousness that masks their insecurity. They act like it’s a crime to want to come closer. And they lash out. And finally they doorslam. Not because they are so noble and morally better than others. No, it’s because they really cannot deal with conflict. It hurts them too much to trust, to really connect, to really listen and to really resolve something.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for them.

I love INFJ’s, I love and accept them till their core. But it’s like they’re unable to accept themselves. They also lack certain social skills. It’s like they are unable to interpret human interaction, especially romantic clues, in the right way. Which is problematic. Especially since they don’t communicate. So you never know what they think or how they interpret something. Which leaves room for lots of misunderstanding. Which never gets resolved. Because they are so skittish. Then they just lock themselves up emotionally, because everything hurts and interaction becomes too much for them to bear.

So I feel love and acceptance, but also lots of frustration. Especially for not being able to help reduce their fears. Also disappointment for not being able to overcome conflict and miscommunication.

Truth

The need to write. The need to speak. The need to let my feelings out. I’m so angry. I don’t know why. So angry.

Maybe I’m just tired of his absence. I was ranting about how I lost my shit in the office. Hurling short words. Condemning the office phone because some lazy ass man can’t call the reception himself to check on meeting room availability. I don’t report to you asshole.

Well, DH saw me unfold all the little shots in multiples that I had to go through. Then I said, “I know of course, your job has bigger real issues,” to which he smirked at, “but I’m the one stuck with petty shitty things that others seem to can’t sort it out themselves and get me into bigger trouble in the process”.

So today I laid back a little. At lunch hour, I picked Talullah from school. I rarely do. We went shopping for her equivalent Girl Scout pieces like the scarf and badges. Got some crepe and had fruits. Dropped her home and went back to work.

I still need to get laptop for Adam. His school’s equipment is not up to date while all his classmates run with their own laptops. So by the time he gets the school lab’s P.C. on, they are already into the subjects.

I need to speak. To rant. To be angry. But it comes out so resentful and passive and negative and nothing nice. Who would want to be around on the occasion that I rarely see them or talk to them that I talk about myself in that manner?

Conflicted. Found some INFJ groups online and acknowledgements of what I go through and feel is accepted. All the same time, I remember all those people who turned away from me and I get angry again, because I just surpassed wallowing sadness for weeks before.

This is a long process. Too long. Aches. Resentments. Abandonments. Loneliness. Bitterness.

I need to be held. But I refuse the open arms of my family. Because it’s a love-hate relationship and I can’t be owned. I can’t be told. I can’t be held. I have no emotion. I’m a calamity.

There no longer dreams of travel. Bitter looking at other people’s time with family and for themselves everywhere. Longing of the dreams I let go. Having asked people to fulfill my own bucket list. My own bucket list. How pathetic is that?

I’m so resentful. And angry. Not needed. Be caved in with all my sorrows.

I am my own worse enemy. And I am the worse when it comes to judging myself.