Full

Everything else is just noise.

They wanting everyone to holiday in Korea with them. We haven’t even had a break of our own. We are not rich either. We won’t be able to foot other expenses too. What more to foot They’s expenses. But of course, They don’t care.

Other They, rants about resentment of They for having a coinciding function so Other They couldn’t attend They’s family function. They kept pressuring everyone. Especially Other They. Always on Other They.

Them telling us that they would travel all the way even when they have limited budget for a family event. But after calculating, it would cost us 3.7K to travel as a family to their state.

Voices making noise in the office.

Guilt drowned over noises.

Appalled with self and certain others.

Hopes cushioned by clouds, hopes drawn into rainbows that has no beginning and ending. It rains in light sky. Downpours harder whenever I turn my head looking in.

Gif of Greys Anatomy to fill in my statuses.

I want to jump into the water. My head is cluttered. And my heart is just, full.

Hearting self, I should

Headache. Floating feeling. A tunnel with spinning colours and clouds streaming through. I think I had too much of free time. I am forcing myself to eat just because I can. Of course, I am now putting weight back on.

Unhappy. There is God, but why is there such resistance in me to pray of late? God punishes me and empties my heart. I know.

shiny-red-heart-fuel-indicator-260nw-172924814

 

Feeling the burn at the office. But my head is floating spinning. My pace is reaaaaally slow. Better if I could go even slower. I know that would certainly piss people off. It has already creeping on to me with each person coming with a request. Then the phone would ring every time I leave my workstation for the printer or pantry or something.

I want to go and hide in someone else’s house. In a corner with cushions and a tub of chips and ice cream, then falling asleep to wake up only with further headache from over doing it.

Truthfully I miss socializing with the people I used to be with. But they are no longer but shadows. Lisa Loeb will comfort me for now just as she did in the 90s. How quickly 20 years had been. How exactly similar certain things still feel. Sentimental. Older? No, still same. Funny. Not funny actually. More like pitiful alike hahaha.

Must find something that will lift this spirit up.

Heavy rain

I finally got to the office after a heavy downpour with light coloured sky. Seeing work messages coming through and emails as I sit in the car listening to Ed Sheeren singing Happier.

Windscreen fogged. Car engine sounds like an aircraft taking off. Hot air conditioning. No fuel. From sending the kids to school until me getting to work. So my car is fuelled but the need to thumbprint myself is not there.

How long more do I need to grieve about this sadness with things going wrong? I want to be out of it. It’s a yo-yo fight. A pure struggle.

I hope I get out of it soon.

Small Hearted

Life is withdrawn for now. Where drapes cover the windows as she to others. They make her feel ache and small hearted. It is an awfully stupid reason for her to shun them all because she feels that way. But is it her every right to feel because there is no right or wrong to it.

Drown self in with games where at times she will look away at nothingness and dull ache in her heart. It is some sort of romantic. But when reality comes, her whole reality is a mess. Doesn’t she want to do something about it? Others know it’s not because she cares little of. It is because she cares more than should.

So how does this go about? Nothing can be done for now.

But maybe some dark chocolate will do some good.

=====

Footnote: In my mother tongue,  small hearted is a literal direct translation to the emotion of how small the heart has become by being sad/sulking over a situation/person, being upset. Sad, upset, disappointed, hurt. It is something that needs/can require appeasing. There isn’t any exact word I could find. At least for now.

Dear diary

I just got my car back. Sadness. It can run but everything else is broken. So many things need to be repaired. We possibly need to put in a few more thousand for everything else.

Sadness.

Sadness.

Sadness.

The aircond isn’t really working. Compressor will need to be changed.

Sadness.

Dear diary

Dear diary,

I feel disappointed in people. I feel that I disappoint people by over thinking, over flowing my thoughts onto them and rejected in a way when I can’t really fit in.

I miss the people who are more comfortable without me around. Maybe it’s because I understand them more that I give them space to be comfortable without me being around. That makes me feel sad. Because ultimately I miss them whenever they become undone with me, or when they are able to distract me from myself.

Does it all make any sense at all? I move on. But I still remember them. I still compose situations of me telling them that, “I’m so aware that you are more comfortable without me in your life; but I miss your company,” allowing me to be such a loser, especially with the bitchy ones. They will be so empowered by that. For the rest of them it would be a confession of how stupid I really am.

I glide. Daily. Without much attention. DH has been so busy. And I am just… Getting support from utter randomness. This emotional struggle that wears down all other physical.

Am I asking too much from everyone? All so happy with going places and photos of them going about life. So I sit and study lip glosses that I want to give to people. I choose wisely what I can give to people that will make them happy.

Life isn’t miserable. Although sometimes you feel exclusively yours in nano seconds of the day.

I pray that all of them will be blessed with the good in life and after. In the end the happiness should be within me; which is a struggle for an INFJ in broad daylight or in the darkness of the night.

Yours sincerely,

Me

PS: Publishing without rereading post.