Bucket List

  1. I’d like to attend a Take That concert.
  2. I’d like to also attend a Backstreet Boys concert.
  3. Also, I’d like to attend a Bruno Mars concert.
  4. And Khalid.
  5. Watch Chapelle as he blows my mind.
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I feel bitter.

So what’s my purpose to be here?

Perhaps, to be bitter.

An angry bitter old cat lady.

But all I’m feeling is hurt, when all I want is shared space.

I too want to be accepted.

A Loser at 43

I turned 43 yesterday. But I feel very much a loser.

I took time to treat myself in the morning. Then put on something nice, put on makeup. For me.

People wished me. In messaging, in physical. Someone asked me when I’d open table. No one asked me out for lunch. Moreover the fact that I don’t have a lunch buddy already.

I was at lost with what else to reward me. Didn’t have the strength for lunch delivery either. So I slept at lunch. And browed around as my day had practically been aimless in the first place.

So I punched out and drove off after 5.30pm. Then Little Sister called. She couldn’t get a signal to book a car. The fastest way to her was to drive into the mall next to the condo that she rents out to AirBNB, which I did.

I parked, walked in and found a Thai stall with Pad Thai which I love. She joined me and we started talking.

The talk was in depth. We shared so much. We stayed from 5.30pm to 11.00pm until ousted by Starbucks staffs.

I felt good afterwards. But the loserness is still in. Because the people who are close in my mind never bothered to wish.

Small hearted. I am very much.

Because that’s how truly I feel I am to them. Nothing. When I know better not to let it get to my head.

People are unkind sometimes. It’s their choice to be so. So I’ll leave it at that. Though I still feel down 😔.

No Closure

I am sad most of the time. I guess that’s what INFJ is in a way. But they are able to see beauty in all sadness. It’s just getting to be tiring for me.

For one, I’d be offended if the kids spoke of Golliwog. He was last seen at home on July 31st and it crushed me. I just cannot function well without him around. It broke me.

Inside and outside of me, I say, “I hope he is taken care well by anyone who’s with him, and be loved as we have,” with a little crack in my heart each time. The depth ran deeper. After 40 days, I had my ultimate breakdown. Kneeling, in front of God, crying for hours of how my heart broke.

When the kids played jokes on me, “Hey Mom, look it’s Golliwog,” it’s not funny. I just shake my head once, not say a word and just walk away. I cannot.

I don’t want to say his name often. I don’t want to hear his name often. I don’t want to wear it out until it no longer holds meaning.

My joy, the one I sing silly songs and rhymes to. The one I bury my face into his belly and his face against mine. My baby.

My Gooli.

I really, don’t have any closure.

Best decision

I’ve gotten a 2 solid day with DH. We just laid in front of the tv watching Suits and other movies. Taking breaks only for lunch and dinner.

In between, he was voicing out about going over to a wedding that his mom has asked for him (us) to attend. All I said was, I’m going upstairs to shower, change and pray. He stayed in.

As I told him, I left for him to plan out the day after I get to do all those 3 things. Okay. Evily that I left for him to pick up as I said them silently. But the outcome of the day was the best for him.

He had been working in 24-hour shifts for weeks. There’s an either 2 or 3 nights away, and often just being home too tired 12.30am (average) to get up by 6.00am for work that’s 1 hour away.

The first thing I told him when he called to express relief of the wrap, “Go off see your friends, blow off the steam”. He only wanted to be home in silence, not to be bothered by any other thing.

So I lay by him on the sofa. We watched tv until we both fell asleep those 2 days. And him choosing time to mend himself, and time for me; are the best decision for what works for our relationship.

She

She is not my friend on IG. It has been a long time since we’ve talked. Many months since she blocked me on WA. This truly what I want to say and do to her:

Hey you.

I realise that you wish of no association with me at for some time now. To preserve your well-being, I will remove you as friend on all my social media as we no longer deserve each other.

Thank you for the friendship we had, and all hardship I have put on through without me realising things. You know, it’s just not worth it for me to continue being linked with you on social media if there is no intent to connect at all. It upsets you, for me, or anyone we mutually know from me, to like, comment or be associated with a posting that you liked, or commented. This, going on a whole year before blocking me on WA.

So, here’s your trophy, you win, you made it, you made me drop you off first! Yay to your Scorpion Pride.

Bye.

But here I’m still thinking of, me being sentimental. Although at the same time I feel, I just want to move on. I don’t want to have flashbacks that make me go sentimental sad about her. Because she doesn’t deserve any type of attention from me. At all.

Complaint corner

I am so close to being decidely positive about changing this name to ‘Complaint Corner’ because I have only recently discover that I complain all the time. Not that I am whiny. It’s just when I get the chance to talk, what pours out comes out complaining, not even ranting. Just awful frustrations and disappointments = complaints.

So yesterday, Adam asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I would like to have a friend unblock me from WhatsApp. Or a better friend who wouldn’t just come to me when help is needed. Or friends who I doesn’t make me pride up when I’m with them.

It made me feel pitiful. Especially after 9 hours straight of Netflix and TV. Not wanting to go out. Or have any sense of direction.

Having someone drag me out of my inner room in a room, in a room, in a room; would be nice. Travel and taste the foreign air. Just lay on the hilltop grass looking at the sky while making a snow angel without any snow.

Does anyone get me? Sometimes I judge other people. I’m sure as hell they judge me too. Although judgement is often weighed fairly in my heart, and it stays in there most of the time.

Perhaps I will go out for lunch today. Get myself Boost Juice, Soraya’s Favourite. But there’s something else in the air. It’s like sadness, despair. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s quite direct. I need to divert it elsewhere. The presence is quite strong. Maybe I’ll open a window.

Bye for now.