Pffft

I should be working.

But I’m not.

I’m a crap employee.

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Ugly cry

Breakdown. Ugly cry. What is this? To have had ranted in 3 previous blogs and now this.

When I came home this evening, DH was home. I had no mood whatsoever. He coaxed me to go out just the two of us.

This woman just sat there on the sofa emotionless. He kept coaxing and then suddenly she began ranting at high pitch. He raised his voice. She began crying as she looks for her jeans going in and out of the bathroom.

He left her. He could have never been able to deal each time it happens. And so she cried. All ugly cry came out. With the biggest throat wrenching sound of hurt, anger and disappointment she has witheld within for so long. This went for a few minutes. She took her time as crying isn’t a skill that she has.

So okay. I wiped my tears and went down. He drove aimlessly and I told him of my anger disappointment. About Nyla, Amy and the hospital. He listened and we talked about it.

During dinner he mentioned about going out tonight with his friend to which my face just went crooked. I told him I fully understand what his job requires of him and his need to unwind. I’m trying my best to keep myself together but it all conjoured my anger even more from the day before. He cancelled.

On the way home I talked about Miss B*tch of how I need to keep myself on my toes when talking to her. I was hurt. I was really hurt by the whole set of people I am surrounded by.

He listened. Further I had no one to talk to. I had no one to see. I am by myself constantly.

We got home and I felt so much load off my chest. Only now, I have no idea what sex feels like and nervous for tonight.

Aih.

Little Miss Pissy

I think I’m the one with the problem. But I’m pissed when I have people thinking my life is better than theirs. Or that I owe an explanation to them. Or that I that annoying link that you can’t stand.

Seriously. I try to steer away from Miss B*tch’s path most of the time.

You know what? I want conversation fun. I need something that doesn’t leave me blank inside. To collect positive energy.

I’ve lost my pace. All this time alone just keeping to myself trying not to bother anyone. Either I sit quietly outside on the patio for coffee, or I sit in with HGTV. I want to see people. But I can’t do with people who go berserk, be asking me questions I find inappropriate. We’d be just warming up – not building a center stage. I’m only free at night. Others are with small children or too far.

I’m really just tired of this sh*t. I’m just pissed off that I am pissed off with myself.

Maybe I need bigger breasts.  I should probably invest in C cup to make me happy. Or just whisk myself off somewhere alone and cry my frustrations away.

To think that I felt like such an adult the day before. And I’ve wasted my time in the office being pissed this whole morning just sorting my sh*t out. I’m so stupid.

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I need time out.

I really just need someone to talk to.

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Getting myself  a basketball soon.

With love,

Oh the F cares anyway?

Rant rant rant

Rant:

About Amy

Amy has a problem. She has always felt Nyla doesn’t deserve a place in my life. So when the word broke out that Nyla and I went to hospital together along with our local loudspeaker Toni and her BFF Sophie… it became a huge thing in one chat group.

Transparently I explained that it wasn’t planned and we met the other 2 in the hospital. I shouldn’t have to but I did anyway as I don’t appreciate anyone to PM me (her) wanting to know what happened.

I have noticed this before. This envy and sentences for attention when it is given more to others, which I ignore. Especially when she doesn’t know about it firsthand. Or that was not consulted with. So, not knowing anything only to find out about it later in a group full of ex-schoolmates, it becomes a big deal.

She laments how bad the decision by the ailing guy’s wife was when she decided to cut people from visiting him until yesterday. To which I replied, that that was probably the best decision his wife felt best for him. We would all probably feel uneasy to have people come visit while trying to resting or sleeping.

“It is ignorance for her not to consult other people with cancer’s support for best way to care for their loved ones. She is mature enough to learn. She should.”

I decide not to comment. It still pisses me off.

Well, your feelings are not my F problem. Please sort yourself out.

About Miss B*tch

Asked if she was free for coffee. Said she was still at work and too bogged down. I said OK. We steer off when she’s at work. OK as in “Oopsie sorry I bugged you, I understand, again sorry; so we won’t need to further this and I’ll be off your back like right now”. I know writing that long sentence has a 99% chance it will irate her and push me so away farther. So, “OK”.

“my boss quit last month so i seriously no mood to socialise”

This rejected self. I am the social in socialise. I don’t even define social. It makes me angry.

This is me

All I wanted was some time with somebody. My SILs aren’t free. Everyone else is occupied and my DH has been on 24hr shifts for the longest time. The average he stays home is 1-3 hours every few days in between that he struggles with. Either that or he sleeps for 4 hours and heads to work.

So you know what? I don’t give a F about what you think or what you think of what my life is. I don’t pay your bills and neither you do mine.

Please go on ahead and F yourselves. Maybe I’m being sensitive. But who cares anyway? Clearly no one does.

 

Edit: In the tone of being upset, the first composition wasn’t clear enough to tell the story.

Note: I am still so angry.

Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
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Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |

Passing

I had migraine last night. Every time I fall asleep, I would wake up coughing and be burping continuously for 1-5 minutes before finally falling asleep. So last night’s was longer. I was already burping so much out before and after taking some paracetamol for the headache. It helped reduce the headache. Tiring process.

There is still some balance of the headache this morning. Pouring into the right side of the head. But I got things done. Only now, I don’t know where my phone is. I left it somewhere. With Elliot having used my phone before, it is usually left with WiFi on, location on, sometimes data off, media sound so loud and ringtone set to silent. So, there is no way I can know where it is right now.

So there has also been 3 deaths within 10 days. Roslyn died of cancer and we have not seen her for years after she left the office to join another. It was by her request that no one should know where she is. Her boss was nice enough to inform us of her illness and her wish to be respected of privacy while seeking treatment.

Then Sue passed away recent Thursday from lung infection. Sue was a breast cancer survivor but we found that illness after illness entailed her then on since 2013.

On Saturday night, Ayman passed on from prostate cancer that stopped in August, then suddenly jolted back again up until his lungs. When he died, the cancer was 30cm pushing his organs and his heart.

To think that all my father’s siblings has died from cancer. Meningitis, throat. One is a cancer survivor. One has removed her uterus. One has just been detected of a possible brain tumor.

I can’t really condense all this.

I can’t believe I just ruined my own mind this morning.