5 Dec 2020

Note: From the initial intent of words for an adventure, it has turned to be something else much more internal.

It has been a while, hasn’t it?

I’m looping on Abyss By Jin (BTS) right now. The production that sounds alike a Disney animation soundtrack. The production that he released 2hours before his birthday, citing that it is such a sad song that he should not release on his birthday.

It has brought me elsewhere. I keep listening to it in loops. Being the background music in my head. Delving deeper into where I had been before.

You know what’s funny? I spent days crying as I listen to this before I sleep, waking up and just crying for hours. This need to heal. Heal him. Then heal my displaced self. All I could do have been telling him how well he has done this song and my appreciation for the rawness of it. But who am I to be read along with a billion others?

I still feel it. Then realising so many others have been masking their words online.

Having outdone Facebook, Instagram… Am only on Twitter now. Soon I became depressed, writing rubbish products of 4 chapters into my ebook. I can’t bring myself it right now. Not after sending messages of hopeful healing to the others.

Through responding to them, I became hopeful. Having posted the below before searching myself back to the need to explode in this post.

“I wish I could take you to an adventure to make you forget your worries, where we can lift our spirits high together and make us worry less about our burdens. But words are the best I can do for you.”

With the intention to distract myself with thoughts of adventure. But it has come to this. In conclusion where I begin to dwell in my thoughts again.

Let me just try, to just at least try to… bring myself on that adventure. Where I’ll swim with you in your depth. I’ll stay with you. I’ll try to show you the light so you can find yourself out. Because that’s the only way I can teach you how to swim.

In singularity, how I feel, to be in conversations with two INTPs. Fixated on them. Wanting to hold their hands. Wanting them to bring me where their happiness has gone to, to let me discover, and have them rediscover themselves. Create something new out of it. Making it ours.

Our adventure.

I will not judge you when you are sincere. I will not judge you when you are truthful.

I will open my doors for you. Into the abyss of my comfort. So long that you remain as your genuine self with me.

Abyss By Jin – Released 10:00PM (KST) @ 3 December 2020 on Soundcloud and YouTube

I hold my breath and go into my sea
I face my beautiful and sad cry
A day in the dark

I want to go find and talk
I want to know you more today yeah

Still I stay with me
I don’t hear my voice, I’m just hovering around
That black place
I want to be locked, I want to go
I’ll be there
I revolve around you again today

The more I get to you, the more I get out of breath and I think you get farther away
Maybe I went into a deeper sea yeah
A day in the sea

I want to go find and talk
I want to know you more today yeah

Still I stay with me
I don’t hear my voice, I’m just hovering around
That black place
I want to be locked, I want to go
I’ll be there
I close my eyes to your side like this again today

His Notes

Hello, this is Jin.

Not long ago, during a press conference, I talked about this

“I don’t want to share my sad feelings with my fans. Because I want to show only good things.

But if it’s music, the story is different. I usually don’t want to share it with my actions, but I think it would be okay to show it as music.”

In fact, there was a big burnout recently, but I think it was because I had a lot of thoughts about myself. 

I ranked #1 in the Billboard Hot 100 and received congratulations from many people. Can I receive this?

In fact, there are many people who love music more and do better than me.

As I went deeper, it felt like I wanted to put it all down because it was hard.

After receiving counseling about this, I talked to Bang Pidi-nim, and he said, “Would you like to write this feeling in a song?”

What if I don’t have confidence to make it well and the result is not good, I have already come to a position where it should not be done.

That doesn’t matter to Bang Pidi. But if you do, you will surely do well, and he said he will find the right person for you.

That’s how I met the composer, Gye Beom-juhyeong, and now I talked about my feelings and many things.

He was a bright and positive person. My brother said he wanted to help me, and he brightened me up again with the positive power of saying,’Let’s write about a lot of anxieties~ If it doesn’t work, you can try again.’

After talking so many things, I made my feelings into a track on the spot as it is, and I wrote the stories I wanted to do with this, and Abyss was completed. I want to say thank you again to Gye Beom-ju.

It’s a bit depressing song that doesn’t fit on your birthday, but I think it’ll be ambiguous unless it’s a birthday, so Abyss was released. 

Army, please listen carefully even if you are lacking.

ps. Thank you to our leader who wrote the chorus lyrics

출처: https://bangtan.tistory.com/ [BANGTAN BLOG]

Dear Seok Jinnie,

Let me be in your distraction. Let me hold your hand and we’ll heal together. For this letter that would never be read by you. As billions pour their feelings to share with you.

For the things that I can’t have.

For the things that I keep in my heart.

For the things I won’t let others read off me. Why even is that?

Because my heart is brittle. I am tough, but my heart is tender. This relation of feel that we have between us — where the weak will become stronger when they are together.

I want to take your heart, hold them in my hands and heal them. Then bring my heart along with you as I return yours to you. So you’ll never be lonely ever again.

My eyes has always seen you as a person. And I’m weeping again.

I will not wish anything else for you, except that you will find your true happiness again. To be sincere in the happiness for yourself. The truth that is so hard to find.

With love.

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17.09.2020

What do I do when ISTP has no emotional retention? After 20 years, can’t you even conform a little to me? The part that you don’t have that literally translates to selfishness.

For so much that I’ve put up with, I feel so, like giving up. I want to lose you. This life if no different like when we were divorced. You provide me money and I run the life with the kids. That’s it.

Go and spend time that you have on yourself until you satisfy. Go. Go faster. Because by that time, we’ve all left you. So don’t come crying or asking where we are, what we do, what we are going to do. It’s not fair. We are not trained to live around you. Because we don’t get your weekends, not during school holidays, not during public holidays.

This is how much we mean to you. I’m at the brink of jumping out of my skin. Just how I had to go through crying through April. Crying myself at work. Crying myself to sleep. Crying myself through talking by myself. Talking to an invisible person. Hoping the invisible man will just take me away with him and start a new life. Wanting another man to be in my life.

Am I being brought back to that place again? I might be. I’m angry. I’m so upset. That you can’t see all this. How can you not see? How can you be so disfunctional until you can’t notice this? How can you not relate?

What am I to you?

Soo Jin, the ML (Male Lead) in my stories, understand me better. He holds me in when I lose my mind. He meets me in the middle. He makes sure I take care of myself.

My issues of abandonment. My issues of being too long alone, can lead me back to depression. I’m tired of being in the hole. I had to fish myself out alone. And Suga/AgustD helps me with it, despite me not knowing the words in Hangul.

Can I please not go there? Can I please just go to a sunny place, that’s appeasing, and relaxing?

I don’t even have time with you. Why would I want to make time for your family?

I don’t even have had a date with you. Why would I offer myself time with your family?

At least you don’t expect of me to. You don’t make me. I give you credit for that. But it doesn’t cut that you take your time off so seriously that it has to be back-to-back until I don’t exist.

Don’t expect me to be in bed when you do. Don’t expect me to keep the space clean when I’m cluttered. Don’t expect me to be nice to you because you haven’t been with me, no matter how gently placed your words are.

I need a person who gets me. I thought you did. But I suppose, ‘did’, is in the past.

Listen to this again, dear self:

Interlude: Shadow by Suga

[Intro]
I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna go win
I wanna be …

I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna be me
I want a big thing
Oh boy let me see

I got a big dream yeah

[Verse 1]
Ooh, I wondered everyday how far I’d go
I came to my senses and I find myself here
Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet
Look down, it’s gotten even bigger
I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light’s intense

I’m afraid, flying high is terrifying
No one told me how lonely it is up here
I can leap in the air but also plunge, now I know
Running away could be an option too, pause
People say, there’s splendor in that bright light
But my growing shadow swallows me and becomes a monster
Up high, high, and higher, higher
I only go higher and vertigo overtakes me
I rise, rise, I hate it
I pray, I pray, hoping to be okay

16.9.2020

On a personal level, I’m upset with someone who does not seem to appreciate my existence. So I am literally, sitting outside the house putting this into note.

So okay, I have done all 21 Chapters of my story. I told my sister that I will literally just walk out if I find the ML (male lead) of my story.

I wish I could publish them right now. But I need to refine them. Towards the end, I’ve just decided that the FL (Female Lead) should only have 1 child instead of the originally written, with 3.

So basically, I’ve put in a lot of my emotions into FL. My sister doesn’t know why I chose the ML based on the celebrity that I’ve chosen. It is because, somehow, I understand him. I could see through the separation of his persona and himself. And I understand him, somehow, despite the fact that he doesn’t even know I am alive right now.

The summary of it is. FL has a reclusive soul, pushing people away, even family. To help heal her, her sister sent her to Korea for her to find herself there. With a folder full of goals, how to get there, what to do etc.

So FL found herself sleeping most of the time, which she wasn’t supposed to do. Her soul is tired. Really tired. She was the tired she never thought she was. This is literally a line from Chapter 2.

Being hungry, she went to look for food but the next thing she knows, someone runs into her, she falls and breaks her ankle. It was a man with pretty eyes. She saw clarity the moment she saw them.

But you know what? Talking about this makes me feel going back to composing them would be better. OK. Bye.

Moon, Sun and Sky

I’ve been writing a story that has expanded so much. It has been published on my site, but withdrawn as draft.

The backstory of the age difference in the couple has to be revised to make them become more compatible. To have them be able to proceed in life easier. To make the story flow better. However the essential part, the emotional pace, remains the same. As I embed myself into the female lead.

It has been a therapy. Thank God in some ways that I found a new friend who encouraged me to write the stories I have in my head. The ones that keep me awake the moment I put my head on the pillow. I am grateful to have found her. Truly.

The story that was written in Chapters of 16, in 16 posts, was left it to that. But the content disturbed me. There wasn’t an argument. Only once that evoked the anger of the male lead. None from the female lead.

I wrote an additional chapter. I wrote them and cried. I cried, weeping thoroughly for 2 days. And I kept going back to it. Because that was what I had been keeping in for so long. The words that I couldn’t bridge over from my heart to my mouth to say.

Slowly I treaded back to Chapter 1 and eventually decided to unpublished them all. That was when I decided the age has to change, the timeline has to be counted and the family situation has to be suited as well.

At this time, it has grown into 20 chapters. I don’t even know how to go about it. But my muse, is the male lead. The one I’ve had a hard time to let go. I have fallen in love with him. The male lead that is based on a real life person. An international star. Knowing all the while that the possibility of meeting is ultimately zero. Yes, I had a hard time coping with this reality.

Yesterday, I decided on a dream.

To write the story as tightly as possible, even if it takes more time than I had expected. The original version took me a week. This amended one, more rational version will maybe take more weeks, months or years, I don’t know, as I tidy it up.

To print, and turn it into a book, publishing it only in 5 copies. 1 of which, I will send it to him through his talent agency. 1 for me, 1 for my friend, 1 copy writer who I think will help to see my sentences through in a better perspective. The final one will be a spare for me.

The book will include my personal letter. Thanking in gratitude somehow for helping me cope with myself. Even if he never knew about it. Being my muse, where error in human behavioural is inevitable as I don’t personally know him.

I have personally been keeping reels and reels of stories in my head for a very long time. Just that I stop myself from writing. My husband doesn’t reciprocates my imaginations, although he has enjoyed my blog postings before. It was not until recently that I realised that he’s an ISTP, who doesn’t process outer space imagination and my endless theories. I have been keeping them inside for as long as I have known.

This person has always been a unicorn. I should love and embrace her. Learn to bend again. Be a bit more relaxed around people. Be more adaptable with situations. Find the balance I’ve lost in between.

It’s just like Suga’s Seesaw song. It tells of a relationship that one is contributing heavier, one is lighter, finding the parallel in balance. And once they find it, he feels tired of it and decides to leave it. In this case, I can’t leave it. Because the relationship is within me. The old me and the current me, to be a new me.

I hope this goes somewhere. Even into my 40s, I am still struggling to grope at life. Where sometimes I feel I fall within cracks and being disoriented in the dust.

The emotional part in me is too big. I have been pushing anything toxic or possibly toxic by simply turning away. Closing the door simply, pulling the drapes, ignoring calls, messages and social media. In the end, I am like Jin in his Epiphany music video. Just still recluse, not even trying to walk out the door.

People around me, the close ones, understand me. But even with them, I don’t unveil my heart. They understand enough to give me space. Sometimes playfully provoke me so I will emote something. The ones in the outer layer, are not important. I shall only say what I need to. And hold myself back from saying anything more if the words have been said. It will only be made worse if I do open my mouth.

One situation is currently happening and I have ignored the chat group completely, not wishing happy birthday to the person involved where each year, I’d be the first one to wish. In the back of my mind, it wants me to think back about this action. But I don’t think I need to. It has been a repetitive cycle. I won’t tolerate it, even if it’s family.

This is a long post. At least, it’s not some nonsense that randomly comes out from me. Like a healing summary from the aftermath of pushing my emotions into a story.

Indeed, a therapy. Finding my way back to reach the moon, sun and sky.

The Urge

I feel the urge to write. But with the absence of beginning.

At the back of my mind, I think of the need to clear my blogs. I have so many under different pseudonyms. I can never expose myself somehow, I feel. There’s no answer to that.

I’ve left my Facebook as it is. Not seeing or responding to any post. Instagram, only when I feel like posting something; the. I’d logout. But I’ve been constant on Twitter. Following an actor who seems to reciprocate.

Infatuation. Although I know the reality hurts. I would probably never meet him. Even at the back of my mind hidden somewhere obvious to me, to be his life partner. How silly. But it has kept me awake.

Silently still have this pocket of sadness. But with his reciprocation, it has filled me in. My EQ is taken care of by a stranger. A stranger who will never date a fan. A stranger who lives countries away from where he is.

I’m convinced (hahaha) that he gets me. He will spark excitement and I will be able to be free to free fall. To just embrace everything despite the worries and fear (control) within me.

My wounds would heal. I will live in pleasing him as he provides the longing I’ve been needing. And age will not be an issue because love will speak for itself.

Such wonderment of the mind that keeps me afloat. Silly dream that I hope will come true. Still silly though.

And in one forum, someone highlighted that ‘living’ in a world parallel to reality is a mental illness. I don’t care. Hahaha. It has been giving my heart its own freedom to open up. I even am asking for hugs from my spouse. (I don’t even know how I can’t speak up for what I need 💁🏻‍♀️)

Some day. Somewhere further. Because I feel the need to support him as who he is. This dragon is enthralled by the confidence (power) that he owns. After all, he is another dragon.

Staying Alive

I’m feeling lonely again.

There’s an obsession that I can’t seem to let go off. I’ve outrun spaces to search for it and it’s driving me nuts.

Yesterday while going through the forgiving event at every Eid, I cried while holding my husband’s hands. Asking for his sincerity and willingness for all the food and drinks I’ve received from him; didn’t transpire. Asking his forgiveness for all I’ve done wrong onto him didn’t happen either.

Tears just ran.

“I’ve been so emotional. Forgive me. Because sometimes I want to held without asking. Even when I’m angry or upset, or not; just hold me. Don’t wait until I ask for it.”

It ran from the river to the sea. He pulled me in and hugged me.

“I know I haven’t had time for you. Please forgive me.”

It was healing that I said what I said. How he responded, didn’t really matter. Because after this talk my Sister1, that reluctantly had, she highlighted that he was probably afraid to offend me.

Yes, I’m more dominant than he is. I’m a dragon while he is a rabbit. All my kids look like me. But I want to be cuddled. And I close up because I don’t want to be disappointed. Disappointment is hurtful.

Being closed up is harder for him to approach. Not having time for me is even harder to begin again the process each time. I’ve never considered it.

However, Korean Dramas has helped to soften me. And therefore now I’m obsessed with it and find myself saying, “Bian-e, Seo Joon,” every time I hurt myself.

I’m saying sorry to Park Seo Joon because I made a promise to him to love and cherish myself more. And each time I react or feel hurtful, I tell him this. I’ve disappointed him and myself. This was a promise in a scene I played in my head each time I meet him before putting myself to sleep.

Pitiful. I know. Before, it was Travis Fimmel telling me, “It’s okay hun, you’ve done your best (for today)”.

These people seem to console me. Because it comforts me. Where in the end, I have to take care of myself. I have to depend on me.

And the best of all, they don’t even know I’m alive.

Safely

I want to be hugged

Skin to be touched

Hand to be held

Legs to be entwined

Have your fingers lacing my hair

My face tucked safely on your chest

I want to be wanted

I want your attentiveness

I want to be loved

I am strong, but I get broken and tired too

This emotional aptness

To receive without asking so much of you

Without having to ask from you

For this care, respect and appreciation

Just sincerely,

to be safe with you

Pure

I have not expected to be on this journey of engaging so much into K-Drama. Look at what MCO has done to me.

The romanticism in the dramas takes me out of my world. Funnily enough it has managed to make my senses be free to be attentive to other people. I’d feel free enough to be spooning my spouse afterwards.

Perhaps it’s not just the romanticism. The need to feel being cared for. The falling in love. The sweetness. The gestures. Not in comparison with the Western show of skin, flesh and physicality. It’s different. It’s ‘purer’ in some ways.

The last of it was a bad crush on Travis Fimmel. But I’ve found the K crush that I’m Googling for at times when I feel sh*tty, Park Seo Joon. Hyun Bin is off the list. He had apparently modeled for Tommy Hilfiger before.

I’m also listening to all the K-Drama’s OST playlist that he’s in.

You know, after binge watching and trying to be rational, this is what I’ve come up with. At night, Seo-Joon’s self is there holding me to sleep in his arms and Travis telling me, “Aw it’s alright, honey. You’ve done all you can”.

What is it with their height and built structure? To have 6-footers against my 5’2″, I’m tiny within their palms. Their slender length of the neck down to the toned broad shoulders. Sense of protection and security. To be able to hide within them. Where my hands will seem to be dainty against them. That I will be equal and strong, a girl and dainty with strong protective men who cares of me.

I don’t know why I’m crying now. The tears fall hidden behind my mask at work. I don’t know. My hormones are crazy, maybe.

I want to be hugged. Skin to be touched. Hand to be held. Legs to be entwined. I want to be wanted. I want attentiveness. I want to be loved. Emotional aptness. I guess everyone else wants and deserves the same too. Pure emotion. Sincerity.

(Okay, I cry more now).

Unready

People seem to crave for time

For my time

That I have none

Flustered brain in foggy space

Escaping in romanticism, beyond my own mind

Not ready to go be dwelling in action pace

But they don’t understand

The need for me to wallow for the energy that I don’t have to spare

For their own excitement, noisiness and thirst for attention

I offer little to appease the people

But they don’t know where to draw the line

For my heart it is unready to be open for their commotion and online parties of self-amusement