Each time I feel of writing but in the end not doing anything. Everything is just at the tip of my mind. Just frozen. There.
I long of holidays. Off to the Andaman Sea for weeks of stay. I am afraid of the sea but I love the beaches and clear water. Want to be off naked with a perfect well balanced asset that I don’t have. Just hidden behind some bay window with peekaboo curtains. Laced with sexy books and comfort.
Envy is a difficult nature. And I envy those who can. So I don’t scroll through social media for visual satisfaction. Because when envy, I make myself sad/angry. So instead now I give them items from my bucket list to fulfill. It’s sad, yes. But it makes me angrier to think when will I get to do them. This kind of sad is a sacrifice to my angry.
Maybe I’m not making any sense. I am half asleep at the table anyway. So you may ignore me, I’d understand.
I had a sporadic dream. I had a sporadic sleep.
DH went out and I was so dead tired, I was able to sleep early. But he called me at 2AM to open the door for him. Then waking up again and again and again. I feel like a mother with a baby. Slept but not sleeping. Tired but undefined.
These girlfriends that are 608 miles away from me, will be coming over soon. I dreamt I had a place of my own that has a staircase to the basement by the side of the wall, where our dining hall is. That’s where people mingle. We were redecorating it while waiting for the girls to call, to tell me that their flight is in for me to pick them up. I kept checking with Sunshine randomly. She keeps telling me to be patient. And this dream went to until end of the day, with me recollecting memories; moving in the past of the train ride we took from end to end (never happened in real life). As night came, I called Sue. She said, “Ya, we have arrived but remember I said that we will join you the day after we arrive here?” With me having this huge weight off my chest having worried for hours.
Here in the office, I feel that I’ve lost life with work. Not just today. But for the past few years. No momentum and I know I don’t finish certain things now, or do it really well, because my heart isn’t in it. And so I’ve botched up a few things these few days as a result of doing thing half-heartedly, breaking the expectations of other people. I suck.
I’m no longer inspired. Although I see my purpose here. But no fire. No feeling. Numb at work.
And yes, I botched up a few things these past few days.
In my mind came rolling the memories of the people I used to know. The ones whom I had taken myself out of the equation. But one has been on replay for the pass bit of waking hour. Maybe I should talk about it.
No, I don’t need to. It evokes dull emotions. Aches and love, the like. They will soon pass as time has.
Let the settled dust remain. Put your face towards the wind and smell the ocean breeze. Fall asleep with it. Be full in this moment. Your moment. Be full and settled.
Look ahead, and pray they are blessed in their own lives. Pray that you all have good lives.
I feel things.
While reading the news online, I found floating photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle for recent public events. And then came, their engagement photos.
There is so much love. No matter what people may say about them, negatively.
Harry, is a contented man. He should be. I hope he will always be. And Meghan is strong and soft for him.
The match of William and Kate. Now Harry and Meghan.
All I know in this observation is, Princess Diana did something right. She taught her children to be warm, to have confidence to be the people, be part of the people and marry for love, to give love, to be in love.
This is the highlight of my day. Which will in return, have me stalking photos of them the whole day now. Them, or the Backstreet Boys.
It says that the meaning of my name is Hope in the centralized universe. What hope? Mostly hopeless to myself lol. Sheesh.
Work just came pouring in. Like hailstones as big as Hulk on my head.
I just can’t process it. To see my co-worker can just go on tapping on his keyboard looking intently into whatever he is processing (updating his JD, actually), and me with this half head broken sitting next to him.
But then again, others perceive me probably the same as he. Working so hard when her brain isn’t cooperating that she has to blog a post to let the heat flow.
I need 5 minutes to myself. Of off everything.
I am involved in an office committee which really takes time out of me because they had intently pick a Secretary to be the Secretary of the committee so there would be someone taking notes of meetings. Loath that. Because I hate minuting. I can do do acres of blog posts, but not minutes.
So this morning I took half day off, and kinda of saw this email coming in about a committee meeting with the MD. I saw the time, quite irrelevant timing as my time to the office would be later than that.
Then Schubert called me asking me where I was. I told her I was on leave, and she went,
“What about the meeting?” “What meeting?” “The committee meeting” “When did you notify?” “Oh the calendar was sent much earlier” “When was that?” “Much earlier” “Earlier… like… last week?”
“No, I sent out months before”.
This really annoys me because I don’t think I received any. So I got in and began searching for something.
- The email received this morning was sent by Raleigh, not Schubert.
- The last email Schubert sent was on 2nd April and it was a calendar that no longer exists in the system.
I hate being lied to. Especially when you are so proud of yourself while doing that. What’s the precise word for it? Condescending. Yes. Such ironic that Schubert came in to be my assistant for the office we worked for 11 years ago. But now she is at the same level as I am.
But really, what do I know more about this? Am I hypersensitive? You know what, I really don’t care. Because despite the gap of meeting is only 30 minutes to the time I come in, I don’t bother to even try to join it. I’m annoyed and I already know I’m an asshole to begin with.
Edit: On typos because it kinda made me look stupid. Especially when I’m annoyed just writing this. But seriously self, you shouldn’t care anyhoo…
Sleep was bad last night. Work has been overworked. I draw the line between what I have to do and what I am unable to do. People are emotional. Men adapting like horrid aunts in manipulating words to just you. I don’t fucking care.
Have I been working late for weeks. Sorting out needles in haystacks. Tired. Handling people, projects and paperwork. I deserve my weekends and time off so you are not allowed to judge me. Maybe it’s just that you don’t have anything to do that you have time to point your 1 finger at other people. Don’t forget you have the other 4 fingers pointing back at you dude.
Sleepless in the Office (And ultimately remain as an asshole)