Envy

Some are just so blessed that they get to travel the world. Live elsewhere and then come home. It doesn’t really matter how long the duration is. Traveling needs money.

The reason why I unfollow certain people, is because it is better if I don’t see what they want to share. Their subjects will put me in envy, seeping in my own frustrations and impatience to making that travel goal happen. Why strain myself? Casey James didn’t know life was different living for him and he turned out well anyhow. I’m sure he had a more meaningful upbringing than I did.

I don’t post my travels. I don’t post my intent to travel. I don’t post pre or post the travel. I don’t like people to know where what why when who how. None of them are paying for my travel. They don’t care if I can’t find anything to eat then. No one’s gonna be paying my car, personal loans and credit cards.

Just because, I don’t like any #envy.

Advertisements

If only I can figure it out.

As the new begin, things have begun to roll into place. Things that has since gone out of place, out of whack. Although the brain kicks into this gear that gets me rolling into tiredness. And today is only the 2nd working day for me this year.

I. I just. I think I want something more.

I want inner happiness when everything else sometimes feel numb. I’m just tired of numbness. Have been finding myself weeping at things, or needing to cry over nothing at all.

Maybe I need to watch Hector again.

Just compelled to cry. I’m stressed with work.

I just need something else.

Unease

How does one decide something when everything else are connected to making a decision?

This lag in holiday has been dragged yet once again. When there is light, suddenly it’s dull again. Too many times. So now in hope that when ideas are given in the family group, he would notice. He doesn’t. Dull ache.

The browser has multiple folders on. She doesn’t want to close them. Rates might rise. Areas would have to be shifted. Her responsibility would be for the kids. What does it matter anyway. He did tell her he might need to leave for work. So, go to a nearby hotel with facilities, and be off without him? What a holiday. She could have just arranged something earlier on for the kids without him in mind at all.

Now there are a few places to choose from. But she doesn’t know which one. Her children are not responding to how she wants them to, to help her decide. So she latches onto SIL1. She helps. She then tries to decide.

But she feels broken.

Yet once again. The browser is left as it was.

The fits I get to get offline.

I spent days at work, nights with Sunshine running for book fairs and food. We have been unexpectedly slowly gearing up for school where we got stationery for half the price the shops would have charged us. Half the price for school revision books as well as mine. Adam got his aviation books at 60-70% off. But I am so upset with him right now.

Elliot has been confiscating my phone in the middle of the night to play his Pokemon. But he would leave them fully charged or somewhere near to it when I wake up in the morning, place it somewhere I can find it.

This morning however, both DH and I were still knocked out at 8:10am. (Un)fortunately today, he was still knocked out at 8:10 in the morning.

Fact: DH has this body clock that sets itself. So he rarely can ever sleep more than past 7:00am. Light sleeper too, will wake up at triggering sounds. Too bad for him. And he’s nice enough to let me sleep in whenever it is appropriate (lol).

But today, I woke up half surprised. I was trying to figure out what happened to the alarm. This was walking from bed to shower, to clothing myself. I couldn’t find my phone. Bedside, foot of the bed, bottom of the bed. I went straight to the boys’ room. It wasn’t anywhere on Elliot. But I found it on Adam’s bed. It was dead. My phone was dead. Elliot, who has similar sleeping pattern as his dad, woke up, “It wasn’t me; it was Adam”. Hastily I replied, “I know”.

So my mouth went on a light blabber rampage on the inconveniences I have been having with the boys. Even the day before, I brought them uniform shopping and Adam just refused to try for best sizing.

“Here, try 15” – Why?

“Just put them on” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably.

“Small, try 16” – I’ve put on the shirt on already just now.

“That was small. Try a slightly bigger size now.” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably. 2nd time.

Nonchalantly answering me with “I’ve tried it already just now… How many times do I have to try… No need to try another one, or this one again…”

This process went on… and he found one shirt he insisted on buying; a size 12 for 12 year old. He is 14. Okay. He insisted on not acquiring pants because he got a hands-me-down from a family friend that he said would suffice. Okay. He insisted on not getting shoes because he, “…Can still use the one from the last term”. Okay. Socks? Okay to buy. Underpants – No need. Singlet – No need. So only 2, size 12 top and 6 pairs of socks.

So late last night, after sewing names on the track bottoms and singlets, I asked him to put on the shirt he chose, with the pants he insisted would suffice. He looked like an overshot carrot with a James Dean top. I was flat lined. I think this is a common trait moms have. We get flat lined all the time. Like we know what the outcome would be, and then flat lined when it happens. Repeat.

Then when my husband comes from football, I had to repeat this 3 times.

“Adam refused to try properly and insisted on using the hand-me-down pants. I got him to try them on with his new shirt top. He looked ridiculous. So now, I’d have to run down back to the mall go get an exchange for the shirt and get him new pants.”

Him: Oh. It didn’t fit? Did you get the wrong size?

“He insisted on what he had chosen.” – me, talking about the shirt.

Him: Oh, so now you’d have to get him new pants?

“Yes, that too.”

Him: (Looking confused) Which one are we talking about?

I repeated.

Him: Oooh… It would be so even more dreadful if you’d have to change the tops you got him yesterday too.

Me, “Of course I have to change the tops,” eyes rolling.

Him: You mean the tops don’t fit?

vkaay

ME YELLING INTERNALLY – OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… – TO INFINITY AND BEYOND… It was like my brain was having multiple orgasm so bad that I just lay there on the bed and went offline.

So I now can see clearly how these to men connect. Genetically. Hmm. Well, that’s great news. I’m stuck with them FOREVER.

I have preempted Adam to:

  1. Don’t say no when I ask him to try something.
  2. Don’t make any mistake in choosing this next time, or he would be going to school wearing previous term’s fitting. With leg pants hanging almost half his calf.
  3. Just get whatever I tell him he should.

All he did was grin cheek to cheek.

z07p_f-maxage-0

I told myself, let’s just put myself to bed. I just… Too much… Full RAM. I cannot anymore. And just stop everything for a while. Yeah.

But when I woke up so late, finding my dead phone on Adam’s bed…

rq87d_f-maxage-0

And at the end of the day from work, and thinking of how to get back home, pick him up, and drive back to change at the mall, it does bubble some resentment. With this sudden urge to poop too, so that doesn’t help at all. Also all of that and my boss just walked in at the end of the day.

frustrated_gif

Let’s just see how this goes.

Can I add that my husband will finally be on leave and plans for a just us holiday, and he still doesn’t know where yet to go? It is just the day after tomorrow.

Good luck to me. I’m just so stuck with this.

Edited: Some sentences got delivered some other way that they missed the point. Maybe because I haven’t been able to get any of my men to the point, I’ve lost my way while writing this as well. Lol. Haih.

The Daily Post: Compass

Chasing the invisible.

I am feeling so exhausted right now. Chasing papers that have no conclusion and people who do not take calls or have any answers for me.

She has called me in for chats. Like, 4-5 times to de-clutter her brain. I literally feel like I’ve got a hole in the center of my forehead. They were not business discussions. The conversations were about this long winded-ness of what lost me and picked me up again as I slowly try to glide away from her room.

It has been quite a while since I’ve felt this way. Quite a while since I’ve put my foot down to decide objectively and firmly.  I just, can’t.

My brain has dwindled to something else. If only I celebrate hard with like something hardcore, I feel I deserve it. But I wanna go home and poop. Talullah is with fever (since yesterday) so it makes me feel a little bad if I don’t stay home this evening too.

Oh I just need to f*cking leave the office already.

By the way, I made something to please myself today. So okay, I can’t upload it for some reason. But I did feel like doing this to some people today kinda of like just over and over again.

tumblr_ntxdjs1mdk1sfcxreo1_500

I’m not crazy. I promise!

 

This, this.

I have literally 10 minutes to write this nothingness.

Feeling stable. Just pudgy and sleepy. Couldn’t sleep last night despite all the yawning. Surfing social media and downloading Plants vs Zombies absolutely didn’t help.

So my nephews self-arranged themselves to my house while I was about to wash the bathroom. I let all 5 boys, where Talullah has been despatched to another house that is full of girls, sit in front of the TV with the xBox. Scrubbed the bathroom, bathed, helped out for dinner, lounged and got slightly grumpy and disturbed when they kept coming into my room. I was in my nightie bra-less. When asked, all they kept answering was, “Just lounging”. Oh just come on.

  1. For just lounging, Elliot had actually wanted to sleep in my room – so he forced himself to sleep while watching TV.
  2. Adam kept coming to ask for the charger head with dual USB insert – MINE – and I told him no because they never find their way back to me.
  3. Adam then asked for a ‘socket’. WTH.
  4. He kept asking for the ‘socket’.
  5. Pulled out my main socket to give him the extension cord, which ends all recording request on the cable, to only discover I had 2 electric power points. With much confusion, Adam said rushed to poke his socket in the other one. I mean, I was really confused.
  6. That was when I learned that his bedroom’s power point can no longer work. So there is no fan and the air-conditioning is weak. There are 4 of them in room instead of normal 2.

Okay, all this rant has done NOTHING for my sleepy.

Now I’m wondering who is one having this sleep issue. Me, or someone sitting close by me? My energy has weirded itself out today. I was belching wind for someone else who came to see me. He had apparently been dizzy this morning. Well, so much of superpowers #empath.

Right now it is time to get going.

Sending love right out to the someone who’s on a job!

 

Balancing hearts.

I took leave from the office and with medical leave that became a 5 day holiday for me. Feeling refreshed in a way to being Day 1 in the office today. I’ve made new friends and the bond has became tighter after this meet. Bonded.

For lunch today, I wish only time for myself. I’m not willing to spend my time for people who have no concern for themselves. I need noodles, fruits and smokes. Only thinking where the perfect spot would be.

Broken people find broken souls and they find solace to those whom has been broken before to get themselves fixed together. 

And so we found each other. We’ll get ourselves fixed together.

Guess what? Tomorrow is apparently a Public Holiday – YEAY!