What This Is

I have been told that I need to enjoy my journey. But here I have been struggling with what my reality is versus what I thought was going to happen. Finally, the most concise term of what I have been experiencing.

Just trying to identify it has been making me space out at the verge of needing to cry but with no essence to have tears come out even if my heart has felt heavy for days. It has left me frustrated at finding out what it is. One moment of me letting it go then pulling myself back in to what I have to sacrifice just to go with the flow.

But things seem to turn out unexpectedly for me. Like we have secured the unit. He mentions that his brother is already reconfiguring the space to fit our needs, then agreeing with the interior theme of resort style that I want. It was really unexpected. But it didn’t make me jump for joy either. In some ways, who know what new idea he would bring in tomorrow because of the pattern in his tendencies.

From my sharing of our wonky relationship dimension when I reach mental breakdown with his brother, I suppose he (the brother) really tries to flow with what I want — even without having me included in the discussions between them. He understands me, as how he understands his brother. Knowing that I have been patient and denied of freedom to exist is a way to kinda put it. So I’m sure he would try to favour with my vision.

I don’t even know how easy it would be for me to let go of things to just dive in to ‘experience’ these new things. Deep inside I feel as if I’m betraying myself somehow. Even if I don’t even know how to get there. Even if I still haven’t even figured out my shit out.

Funny how I’m so confident about leaving then having no plans whatsoever. Even the fact that I had to blurt out some things when it was too soon, making delays in decisions. I’m so laughing at myself right now. Be like, “WTF you’re talking about, girl?!!”

I’m just slowly being able to see the good side of things. The universe is conspiring to make things happen for me. It is being placed as I’m too being made ready until when the things fall through at the right time.

But the truth remains… I can’t help but to feel lonely in this journey. Lonely, grappling at what is vs what I thought.

I just hope I’ll be able to sort my brain out soon because… this hurting me.

Spacing Out

He sits in front of me while I space out into my loneliness. Needing to fill my thoughts into my journal but not wanting him to see me write. The loneliness that I feel right now, knowing why.

We found a unit that will be vacant in about 6 months from now. Discussing what best to do with it. Then him telling me, “I will leave the kitchen for you,” where he later then tells me of changing the backsplash, tap and washbasin as well as the floor tiles. Lies.

“No, leave it as it is,” I said as firm as possible in a no nonsense tone.

“We can replace the wet kitchen’s fridge space with more cabinets,” he suggested again. “No, freezer,” I told him.

He said again of backsplash. “No need to do anything to the kitchen,” I repeated. He continued to suggest and then agreeing with me but kept trying to make me want what he wants. No.

I don’t know how many times I have bended. As such the previous property we purchased that have been recently sold. The only spot I wanted was the kitchen, but the kitchen was not to be mine in the end.

He kept coming back with wanting a Mexican themed kitchen, then industrial, or the wanting a cemented kitchen floor. None of my requests were considered.

“You want to take the kitchen as well, right? I only just want something blue in it,” was all I could say. It wasn’t worth it, he had the money. I just raised my hands and let it go. I was invisible anyways.

He flipped and with a sharp tone, “Of course I know you want something blue of the kitchen!” and left.

Wow. I have no part of anything. No existence. No importance. But now, I don’t care.

I’m just going with the flow. Whatever is meant to be. If it is bound to end, it will and there is nothing that can stop it. Just as how my dad has fallen in love with the unit and readily want to put his money into it.

Am I really just doing this? Maybe I need a little bit more time by myself, cry it out.

I don’t feel as anxious as I used to be. I still can’t pinpoint and name this emotion. I don’t feel stuck. But it’s something to shift my attention to — the unit. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s making me feel fulfilled.

Perhaps it is just accepting it as a different living, to be out on my own with my own immediate family — even if not wanting to overthink about the physical touch that I still have to provide for him.

I just… have to let this go for now and go into my own pause. Then perhaps once again speak to my therapist when it becomes overwhelming.

I’m just sad. For now. At least finally I found the label of the emotion I have been circling about. It is sadness.

My Truth

I was whimsically scrolling through the postings that I have made in here. Realising the tantamount of how truthful I have been as I waded through life in my fogs and emotional upheavals. Even if at the time I probably didn’t feel that I was baring my soul to the world, I really did. And I am grateful for it.

For the journey that I have taken since my days of being dependent on releasing my emotions here in this blog, to where I am now. I have really come a long way, not remembering any of the things I have written about. It made me go, “Hmm…” in self-acknowledgment and this sense of that they all indeed happened, while I couldn’t see what I had been struggling with. It was a lot of pain, wasn’t it?

It made me realise that it has been so long since I wanted to be out of whatever I have been in. Wanting for change, but was just stuck in the cycle not knowing that all I needed was to find the key — I wasn’t even looking for it. I just kept wondering and thinking about it but I wasn’t looking. My thoughts and desires were true. I no longer wanted to be there.

I have unlearnt a lot of things. I had to face my fears, travel back into my childhood to mend the wounds and identify the triggers. Learning to identify the emotions of whatever I was feeling so I can acknowledge them and move on. Breaking my cycles of response. Overcoming my fears, slowly taking back my power and balancing myself out.

The truth of my situation is, I am still with him. My brain has kept going, “I want to leave,” but fear kept holding me back. I was so broken, that speaking how I truly feel has been terrifying. And when I say, “I want to leave,” others want me to try and give it another go while I tell them, “Why should I sacrifice myself so that everyone can live happily ever after?”

I acknowledge my own pain. Learning to forgive, but not forget. But it is normal to also forgive and forget. Finding the posts again that writes of what was, affirms what it was. I know now that I have never been crazy. I have been going over what was logical, what I felt but I kept going back into them as he leaves crumbs all over just to appease me.

Now deliberating where I am at. Healing as he has been away from home, either working in a different town, working at the main site or being in quarantine.

I didn’t understand the concept of why or how I am still here. But I have been given time to heal while he has been absent.

Somehow, each time I see him, this load of anxiety overloads me. It comes in resentment that I just cannot do it anymore. From one conversation when I finally told him I don’t want this whole thing anymore, he has gone all the way to want to provide and move out. Finding places to live etc. and my head went completely haywire because of it.

While he still remains within his denial, I have secretly gone for therapy. It has helped me tremendously but yet to lament about why I am still with him, makes me space out. There are rules, laws and rights to abide. Although truthfully, I no longer care about other people’s expectations. That, in itself is a whole other story that I had to learn difficultly just recently.

The acknowledgment of other people’s perspective of the path they did not feel or experience as I have, in knowing what I went through was painful and true. I should decide for myself of what I want. And what I want is to live a truthful and sincere life with alike people. Me, a person whom has been trying to understand what happiness is, should have a chance to live a happy life.

I don’t even know where I am right now — whether I am still anxious, angry or sad. What I do know is that I live in the present, I’ve faced my fears and have accepted all that has happened. I know what I want, but the window is still not open for me to go through. Maybe I still need to heal and be more of the person who I am supposed to be while the time comes.

Here I am standing in the gray line of present where at the edge of mind I keep thinking if it is something I have to wait on or initiate. Just because, I don’t love him anymore.

And I can’t live my life in that truth.

High

After a long spell of feeling in the dumps, my emotions grew better yesterday. I hope it will remain. So that perhaps means I have to continue to paint?

I just decided to sketch on the canvas the night before. Then became stumped at how the heck I was going to colour because it seems at the end of it, was basically a complicated drawing.

Somehow I managed to begin just colouring in and it showed progress that I’m even surprised myself. This colouring took me maybe 5 hours while being in between responding to emails and group chats. I had possibly ignored group chats by accident as the WiFi has been pretty unstable especially these few days.

Anyway, I did so while listening to music. But at the end of the day, I put my paintbrush down and levelled up in my game apps. It’s harder now since they’ve finally updated the new level this evening after me waiting and continue playing the last level until over 1000 times. Between the two, this new one had my brain busted for a while just trying to configure best strategy.

I’m grateful that I feel good. Despite being well at this emotional level, I haven’t been getting good sleep schedule at all. My insomnia has been acting up and strangely enough, I probably only managed 3 hours of sleep without napping at all throughout the day and still awake past midnight right now.

Just an overview of the downloads I’ve been getting throughout the entire day… I actually intuitively feel that my journey is beginning. I feel like literally, ready. Just for whatever that comes, I suppose. And to clean my space again. I’ve been talking about clearing tiny things and free gifts that I’ve kept hostage for the last 3 months, maybe.

Then again, maybe I’ll just continue to paint 🎨 instead. I don’t know. This is the new me — I don’t have a fixed routine just to keep my days exciting (even if it doesn’t make sense to you because I’ve always had a problem with control and I’m breaking the cycle).

The Senseless Conversations

It has been too long since I’ve written whimsical things. I’m currently out of that bubble still. Just trying to ground myself as I bounce in and out of the cycles I’m trying to outlearn from.

I spent over 2 hours writing my journal tonight. It has been a while since I’ve written that long with that amount of pages. But then again, the first journal took me 6 months to reach the final page. This is second one ending soon and it has only been 2-3 months.

Okay, maybe I haven’t considered the amount of pages involved to compare the both. But why am I even bringing it up right now?

I thought that I had probably outrun thoughts that loop me into senseless conversations keeping me lay still in bed just struggling to sleep as it has been these few weeks by writing so much tonight. Now, that was a lengthy sentence. Anyway, it is 2:35AM where I am right now — and I’m doing this instead of sleeping, so… my action have the right to be questioned… Some sort of it. Hmm.

All that probably I want to say to myself is that, finding happiness and self fulfilment is self work. No one can provide you all of that but yourself. Others may be able to guide you, but the hard work has to be done by yourself.

Okay. I think I’ve outdone myself for tonight.

(I seriously need to fix my sleeping schedule — forcing myself to take that walk around the neighbourhood tomorrow that I’ve been repeating to myself like a broken record for weeks. Even self-care is my own responsibility to self. Aih 😓.

Healing self is such hard work but it is necessary. Just because I know I want to love me better.

Sending love to myself and to those who are struggling, living just trying to cope with their life’s challenges.

Self Space (Laziness towards reaching for my journal)

I wanted to write in my journal but I’m to lazy to reach for it — I’m already on the bed with the blanket over me. You all know how it is, right?

Feeling melancholy a bit right now. Just sitting in the emotions as my playlist plays into the earphones I have stuck in my ears right now.

Work has been quite constant beginning June for some reason, not that it’s already into the middle of the night of 4th. At least the office is honing my skills instead of me having to be a free therapist for others to tell me how many acres of land they have on repeat. Same old story that I just can’t anymore.

Surprisingly, when it comes to holding myself back with toxicity (that is, the above is toxic behaviour), I find that they now know how to handle themselves when with me. Ever since I’ve gained much of myself back together again. Well, it’s either that or how I’ll just walk away when they’re about to start. Ha ha ha…

The mood was actually low for me today. Insomnia. Or waking up in the middle of the night when I had finally fallen asleep at 2-3AM after hours of trying.

Exercise would be required for better sleep right? That’s one thing I haven’t done. The weather has been screaming so hot and blinding my eyes even when I have sunglasses on. I even sweat walking around to feed the fish and sitting outside the house waiting on work when I’m home.

Perhaps writing all thoughts and rambles that I’ve kept inside of me will help to ease myself to bed. It helped me when I purging on my books. But my mind has been dry. Even my efforts to write by force has left me 8 stories unfinished. It could be more. I just resorted to open a book and write everything in the same one, separating which story’s which by the chapter indication that I put on.

This journey to self, at this point, has left me unfunny. I just need to rest. I know that but I suppose self-sabotaging is still within me. Well… It is a hard thing to do since that’s what I’ve been doing all my life!

One of the most profound things I’ve discovered is:

I realise that I’ve been gaslighted by people. But I have also been doing it to myself.

How crazy is that? Self-sabotage by questioning myself on how things should be, that perhaps it all derived from me. That’s the biggest realisation and learning experience to how to treat myself better.

I’ve begun painting on canvases free flow. It’s therapeutic. Will need to do more of those even if it’s childlike painting when it gets to the end product. However, I enjoy looking at them at any time of the day. If feels like, I’m taken away to a wonderful place when I look at them. A pocket of happiness — some sort of it.

Feeling the bounce of sleepiness. I will go now. Hopefully I will sleep not long after I post this.

Sending love and good rest, good quality sleep for all of you.

Note: Just posting straight, not bothering to see if anything makes any sense and letting all typo error as it is if any.

104 Days

It has been 104 days since my last post.

And how have I been since then?

The world turned into an awesome loop for me. Literally, I’m not kidding you.

I stopped writing my books. I couldn’t complete them. Completely just dropped them as I just woke up from the circles I have gone into for so long. Especially if you’re wondering why I keep trying to get up and then get sucked back into my black hole over and over again. This is where it really relates.

You see… Within these 104 days:

  1. I told myself — “I’m tired of being tired.”
  2. Found ways to re-tune myself, finding out what’s wrong by zoning out in hermit mode many hours alone in the corner of the veranda from morning until late night morning meet again.
  3. I was given space of time where I didn’t need to be with people to whom I’ve given all I had until I have been left dry to even revive myself.
  4. Found my way back to consciousness where Pick-A-Card Tarot Readings on YouTube has found its way into my life.

Trusting Pick-A-Card Tarot Readings?

It is probably not a conventional method. But I couldn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t know what the problem was. I didn’t know where the hurt is. I have been numb for a long time.

And the most important of all?

I didn’t know my self-worth.

Again, it isn’t conventional — Pick-A-Card Tarot Readings. But the readers helped to make me realise my own kindness and that I have given so much. And they feel the pain that I have inside. There is someone else out there who is able to verbalise the heaviness I have been carrying inside.

The comfort to have someone to acknowledge and validate my emotions that I am not crazy. The comfort to hear, “You have been kind, and giving. You have done so much. You have to realise the beauty of what you have given. You are a giver… but people have not been giving you anything back.”

To then realise empathic energy within me that has been left dry by Energy Vampires. And further from the readings, I catapulted myself into researching more to find out other things that I have been going through.

The self-realisation:

  1. I have been in relationships with a Neglectful Narcissist.
  2. I have lost my sense of self-worth.
  3. I have abandonment issues from childhood.
  4. I have issues in relationship with my father.
  5. I have been in a path where I have been manipulated, taken advantage of or ghosted without closure in relationships with family, working environment and friends.

How do you even sum that up to deal with within a short span of time?

I was just crying and loafing around with myself that began from BTS Jin’s Abyss that made me cry for days. People see me with swollen eyes but they don’t question. I have been in a depth of sullenness that they themselves decide to put themselves away from my path and just wait for me to speak first instead.

I fell through consistency of Tarot Readings on ‘What do I need to hear right now?’, ‘What’s going on with this connection?’, ‘What path am I on?’ for days until I regained my own consciousness to, “Okay, time for comfort in BTS,” where their songs, video clips, Run BTS and fandom’s snippets lift me up to smile.

The things I did for myself.

  1. I tried to empower myself, but I fought myself with fear. Fearful for judgement, for punishment, for manipulation, for making someone feel or look bad.
  2. Face people even though I became more resentful of them. Going out for a while, then pulling myself back in like a tortoise to feel safe within my own heart that I mask in thicker layers than an onion has.
  3. To accept the situations that I have experienced from childhood as it is — even if I didn’t think I had an issue with them. But I had to go into them again, accept them again and forgive myself for not knowing any better. Forgive whoever was involved for not knowing any better too. Seriously, we all didn’t know any better.
  4. I still need to work on the relationship with my father as I can still never see statements that sounds provoking to me are just his way of making conversations i.e. whenever a package arrives, “So what did you buy for me?” or whenever I come back from the supermarket, he would ask, “What is mine?”
  5. Then above all, I discover that in depth that I really need to heal… is the issue of TRUST.

How big of an issue is this for me?

It is deep. Hollow. Dark. Empty.

It is so deep that I still mask my own feelings. To how I feel, think… protect. I protect my heart.

From the years of learning about rejection, manipulation… That people will tell about the things I tell them to other people. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is a secret especially if you’re family that you are just meant to share them with people everywhere else. And it’s okay to believe things that you know never happened just to roll with it.

We are to enable narcissists and manipulators. Provide them until we die. Provide until it’s too late to make any changes. To allow them to still chide us like we’ve given nothing by laughing through snark comments as if they are the funniest jokes in the world.

To be believe and be reset in the head and the heart by being gaslighted. Everything you’ve done is never good enough and will not be acknowledged but they will be acknowledged when YOU FAIL — and because you were never good in whatever it was in the first place.

And what about trusting myself again after years believing that I am put to be crazy?

Where am I now?

I have separated myself and finally went to my first therapy after years of depression that I didn’t know I had. I summed up my whole life within 2 hours that the therapist gave me one hour free (that I am so grateful for). I am supposed to be attending to another session this week but I feel that I still have to do one thing before I go again.

And I’d better put some colour on that canvas. I should do it this weekend. Seriously.

I am fighting with my office where I feel that I am of no purpose. I should do something for myself… Maybe just clear the workstation so things would be easy when I leave (well, I want to but have nowhere to go ha ha ha).

Communication has been more transparent between me and my children. I have opened up so they have space to talk about the almost non-existent relationship they have with their father.

And what’s more important right now?

Me, writing this, and seeing the milestone and timeline it took me to move.

It has been a fast catapult, yes I agree. Now it’s time for me to learn how to release control and allow myself not to be affected by… things. I cannot control things from happening. I must learn to release my heart to feel again. I must learn that being hurt while I am strong, is human. But it would be one of the most… well, you know… I suppose, to just be ready for it.

There was something else that I wanted to say but I forgot about what it was.

There are some facts:

  1. I have lost 16-18kgs through May 2020 to date.
  2. I have cleared the bedroom but I need to clear up some more, although I have stalled to clear 2 spots more.
  3. I have been thinking about going back to school and now researching on options available.
  4. I have also written 7 books within 4 September-4 December 2020.
  5. I use a pseudonym as my writer’s name.
  6. I am also considering a voice podcast — well, actually have recorded 2 but haven’t gone anywhere to post them. Too self-critical. I feel my timing is slow but I keep listening to them by myself ha ha ha so am I the narc now ha ha ha?
  7. I also tell myself and the children, “My ambition is to marry Kim Seok Jin of BTS,” that they now go, “Okay, Mum,” when I’m still married to their Dad.

What am I going to do about the final word in statement No.7 above of this?

I’ll pace it with time. I still need to work on myself. So long I have space to heal and learn to be myself more, perhaps in time, things will change.

I mean, things are already changing for me. I’ve got dreams. I’ve got big dreams!

  1. Marry Kim Seok Jin of BTS.
  2. Go to school.
  3. Find another job.
  4. And afford a winter holiday in New Zealand with the kids by June 2022 — just the 4 of us.
  5. Finish the painting and finish the craft.

And to end this post, I shall spam you the photo of my future husband — Meet Jin of BTS.

And in case if you’re asking, yes, they are all the same person.

I just love the way he loves people, and how he loves his family (who I also consider his band members as family). I feel as if I know him — on the inside. And it was also him who helped me purge out my process in the first place. The one who made me cry for days.

So thank you, Jin-ssi.

You have done more for this Army. To return this favour, I shall give you my future — to you, Jin. Let’s go get married now! Ha ha ha ha ha…

On a serious note, I sincerely am with affection for him.

I hope you’re well, Jin. I really do.

5 Dec 2020

Note: From the initial intent of words for an adventure, it has turned to be something else much more internal.

It has been a while, hasn’t it?

I’m looping on Abyss By Jin (BTS) right now. The production that sounds alike a Disney animation soundtrack. The production that he released 2hours before his birthday, citing that it is such a sad song that he should not release on his birthday.

It has brought me elsewhere. I keep listening to it in loops. Being the background music in my head. Delving deeper into where I had been before.

You know what’s funny? I spent days crying as I listen to this before I sleep, waking up and just crying for hours. This need to heal. Heal him. Then heal my displaced self. All I could do have been telling him how well he has done this song and my appreciation for the rawness of it. But who am I to be read along with a billion others?

I still feel it. Then realising so many others have been masking their words online.

Having outdone Facebook, Instagram… Am only on Twitter now. Soon I became depressed, writing rubbish products of 4 chapters into my ebook. I can’t bring myself it right now. Not after sending messages of hopeful healing to the others.

Through responding to them, I became hopeful. Having posted the below before searching myself back to the need to explode in this post.

“I wish I could take you to an adventure to make you forget your worries, where we can lift our spirits high together and make us worry less about our burdens. But words are the best I can do for you.”

With the intention to distract myself with thoughts of adventure. But it has come to this. In conclusion where I begin to dwell in my thoughts again.

Let me just try, to just at least try to… bring myself on that adventure. Where I’ll swim with you in your depth. I’ll stay with you. I’ll try to show you the light so you can find yourself out. Because that’s the only way I can teach you how to swim.

In singularity, how I feel, to be in conversations with two INTPs. Fixated on them. Wanting to hold their hands. Wanting them to bring me where their happiness has gone to, to let me discover, and have them rediscover themselves. Create something new out of it. Making it ours.

Our adventure.

I will not judge you when you are sincere. I will not judge you when you are truthful.

I will open my doors for you. Into the abyss of my comfort. So long that you remain as your genuine self with me.

Abyss By Jin – Released 10:00PM (KST) @ 3 December 2020 on Soundcloud and YouTube

I hold my breath and go into my sea
I face my beautiful and sad cry
A day in the dark

I want to go find and talk
I want to know you more today yeah

Still I stay with me
I don’t hear my voice, I’m just hovering around
That black place
I want to be locked, I want to go
I’ll be there
I revolve around you again today

The more I get to you, the more I get out of breath and I think you get farther away
Maybe I went into a deeper sea yeah
A day in the sea

I want to go find and talk
I want to know you more today yeah

Still I stay with me
I don’t hear my voice, I’m just hovering around
That black place
I want to be locked, I want to go
I’ll be there
I close my eyes to your side like this again today

His Notes

Hello, this is Jin.

Not long ago, during a press conference, I talked about this

“I don’t want to share my sad feelings with my fans. Because I want to show only good things.

But if it’s music, the story is different. I usually don’t want to share it with my actions, but I think it would be okay to show it as music.”

In fact, there was a big burnout recently, but I think it was because I had a lot of thoughts about myself. 

I ranked #1 in the Billboard Hot 100 and received congratulations from many people. Can I receive this?

In fact, there are many people who love music more and do better than me.

As I went deeper, it felt like I wanted to put it all down because it was hard.

After receiving counseling about this, I talked to Bang Pidi-nim, and he said, “Would you like to write this feeling in a song?”

What if I don’t have confidence to make it well and the result is not good, I have already come to a position where it should not be done.

That doesn’t matter to Bang Pidi. But if you do, you will surely do well, and he said he will find the right person for you.

That’s how I met the composer, Gye Beom-juhyeong, and now I talked about my feelings and many things.

He was a bright and positive person. My brother said he wanted to help me, and he brightened me up again with the positive power of saying,’Let’s write about a lot of anxieties~ If it doesn’t work, you can try again.’

After talking so many things, I made my feelings into a track on the spot as it is, and I wrote the stories I wanted to do with this, and Abyss was completed. I want to say thank you again to Gye Beom-ju.

It’s a bit depressing song that doesn’t fit on your birthday, but I think it’ll be ambiguous unless it’s a birthday, so Abyss was released. 

Army, please listen carefully even if you are lacking.

ps. Thank you to our leader who wrote the chorus lyrics

출처: https://bangtan.tistory.com/ [BANGTAN BLOG]

Dear Seok Jinnie,

Let me be in your distraction. Let me hold your hand and we’ll heal together. For this letter that would never be read by you. As billions pour their feelings to share with you.

For the things that I can’t have.

For the things that I keep in my heart.

For the things I won’t let others read off me. Why even is that?

Because my heart is brittle. I am tough, but my heart is tender. This relation of feel that we have between us — where the weak will become stronger when they are together.

I want to take your heart, hold them in my hands and heal them. Then bring my heart along with you as I return yours to you. So you’ll never be lonely ever again.

My eyes has always seen you as a person. And I’m weeping again.

I will not wish anything else for you, except that you will find your true happiness again. To be sincere in the happiness for yourself. The truth that is so hard to find.

With love.

17.09.2020

What do I do when ISTP has no emotional retention? After 20 years, can’t you even conform a little to me? The part that you don’t have that literally translates to selfishness.

For so much that I’ve put up with, I feel so, like giving up. I want to lose you. This life if no different like when we were divorced. You provide me money and I run the life with the kids. That’s it.

Go and spend time that you have on yourself until you satisfy. Go. Go faster. Because by that time, we’ve all left you. So don’t come crying or asking where we are, what we do, what we are going to do. It’s not fair. We are not trained to live around you. Because we don’t get your weekends, not during school holidays, not during public holidays.

This is how much we mean to you. I’m at the brink of jumping out of my skin. Just how I had to go through crying through April. Crying myself at work. Crying myself to sleep. Crying myself through talking by myself. Talking to an invisible person. Hoping the invisible man will just take me away with him and start a new life. Wanting another man to be in my life.

Am I being brought back to that place again? I might be. I’m angry. I’m so upset. That you can’t see all this. How can you not see? How can you be so disfunctional until you can’t notice this? How can you not relate?

What am I to you?

Soo Jin, the ML (Male Lead) in my stories, understand me better. He holds me in when I lose my mind. He meets me in the middle. He makes sure I take care of myself.

My issues of abandonment. My issues of being too long alone, can lead me back to depression. I’m tired of being in the hole. I had to fish myself out alone. And Suga/AgustD helps me with it, despite me not knowing the words in Hangul.

Can I please not go there? Can I please just go to a sunny place, that’s appeasing, and relaxing?

I don’t even have time with you. Why would I want to make time for your family?

I don’t even have had a date with you. Why would I offer myself time with your family?

At least you don’t expect of me to. You don’t make me. I give you credit for that. But it doesn’t cut that you take your time off so seriously that it has to be back-to-back until I don’t exist.

Don’t expect me to be in bed when you do. Don’t expect me to keep the space clean when I’m cluttered. Don’t expect me to be nice to you because you haven’t been with me, no matter how gently placed your words are.

I need a person who gets me. I thought you did. But I suppose, ‘did’, is in the past.

Listen to this again, dear self:

Interlude: Shadow by Suga

[Intro]
I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna go win
I wanna be …

I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna be me
I want a big thing
Oh boy let me see

I got a big dream yeah

[Verse 1]
Ooh, I wondered everyday how far I’d go
I came to my senses and I find myself here
Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet
Look down, it’s gotten even bigger
I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light’s intense

I’m afraid, flying high is terrifying
No one told me how lonely it is up here
I can leap in the air but also plunge, now I know
Running away could be an option too, pause
People say, there’s splendor in that bright light
But my growing shadow swallows me and becomes a monster
Up high, high, and higher, higher
I only go higher and vertigo overtakes me
I rise, rise, I hate it
I pray, I pray, hoping to be okay

16.9.2020

On a personal level, I’m upset with someone who does not seem to appreciate my existence. So I am literally, sitting outside the house putting this into note.

So okay, I have done all 21 Chapters of my story. I told my sister that I will literally just walk out if I find the ML (male lead) of my story.

I wish I could publish them right now. But I need to refine them. Towards the end, I’ve just decided that the FL (Female Lead) should only have 1 child instead of the originally written, with 3.

So basically, I’ve put in a lot of my emotions into FL. My sister doesn’t know why I chose the ML based on the celebrity that I’ve chosen. It is because, somehow, I understand him. I could see through the separation of his persona and himself. And I understand him, somehow, despite the fact that he doesn’t even know I am alive right now.

The summary of it is. FL has a reclusive soul, pushing people away, even family. To help heal her, her sister sent her to Korea for her to find herself there. With a folder full of goals, how to get there, what to do etc.

So FL found herself sleeping most of the time, which she wasn’t supposed to do. Her soul is tired. Really tired. She was the tired she never thought she was. This is literally a line from Chapter 2.

Being hungry, she went to look for food but the next thing she knows, someone runs into her, she falls and breaks her ankle. It was a man with pretty eyes. She saw clarity the moment she saw them.

But you know what? Talking about this makes me feel going back to composing them would be better. OK. Bye.