I have work that requires attention. But here I am creating my own distractions before I feel stressed with the shorten timeline and implore all resources to sprint where it will sometimes end with a bitch fit.
Going on off on a short holiday this weekend. Bless those people who give more than what we feel we deserve from them. I feel more of this consolation appreciation and affection from them more than anything else. I am moved by this gesture as this trip is not cheap. I can assure you it is not cheap.
Never really realized how Five For Fighting soothes me. I get their songs but I don’t own an album and unfortunately don’t know how to work and iPod to much of people’s disgrace. But give me a casette player anytime and I’ll live through it happily. Of course that other song Rockabye that always gets my attention. And Jewel’s first album was memorized to heart 16 or 17 years ago. I even had her book of poetry, and paid so much to be seated in front at her concert then.
Now, don’t that all calculation make me feel old.
Okay, enough with this distraction. I need to untie this knot of procrastination and get things fixed right away.
(And that one word will remain in my brain for today, as it will help me get through the day as it begins now in laughing matter – Bitch Fit, Bitch Fit, Bitch Fit – LOL!)
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WEIRD IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I TRY TO SEE MYSELF OUTSIDE THE BOX?
This cold wall that you see a face with who disappears into her bedroom and only to be seen again tomorrow afternoon. And I sit down to wonder what is it that I had done the whole time in the room knowing that with just a glance across the it, you know that nothing has been done. All towels and kids’ Lego strewn all over and upside down sofa, more things on the desk and cabinets that make no sense with cotton buds playing dead on the floor.
But I have accepted that that is how I function. I need to go into my Self Hole to rekindle my spirits. Until when I feel like I’m done and I’ve had enough of this internal hibernation that I myself don’t understand about but constantly just do them. In the mean time, the kids go crazy running throughout the rooms with commotion of who did what, and at what position the bolster has to thrown to whom. And I would just sit there zoned out listening to the TV that goes down in monotone.
I personally feel that for some people, it would seem to be a completely waste of time. But it is time that I need that time to heal. Googled for that INFJ Emptiness and I found this:
At least I have confirmation that I’m not crazy – what’s more important is that I’m not the only one!
And then yesterday someone said she has been using online Tarot to guide herself stuck in her own sh!thole of office politics. Absentmindedly I downloaded the app the same, and found that I am in Lazy Land at work right now. Okay. At least I understand that I am lazy right now – the confirmation of that I am lazy (<– truly feeling cynical right now. As if I don’t know it). But it also showed how I got to lazy and I relate to the reasons of the disappointments, unfairness of judgement that allows low self-confidence that I decided to give up and thus become lazy with some what little resentment.
Objectively when I understand that, it made me realise that I put myself there and it is only I who can change, see another perspective and pull myself into something else.
But I am still lazy. Right now.
I just hate how the communication is here. It dampens me. It really dampens me every time I feel it is time for me to change the direction for everyone here, because everyone else is damp as well. And I can’t carry all the dampness around me with a whirlwind that comes whenever it wants to. It’s silly.
For this person who wishes to just stay for the next 5 years before she embarks on something new on her won, it feels like a struggle having to remain where she is the same.
It definitely builds the awesomely loopy. Because it is about putting myself in that damp place for an additional 5 years. So, pffft to myself.
Tried baking bread using a bread maker last night. This excitement and stories of making something with the awesome white bread with the kids last night became something of unfinished bread and nothingness.
It did not turn out to come out looking anything like a bread. Apparently I had put the yeast in first before the flour; the yeast should be in last. But then another recipe says, the yeast should be first in. Which ever way, the yeast should not come in contact with water. So it is still a mystery for me. Coz I still don’t know how to programme that thingamajig.
That reminds to download the bread maker instruction. I found the 1997 Sanyo machine in Grandma’s (a.k.a My Mommy) pantry store. She never used it. Apparently, her late mother-in-law gave it to her; which sounds rather awkward based on the relationship they had. So nothing much came with it, much more simple recipes. So it’s a some-what complication that I would like to fix. But of course, with much procrastination.
Note to Readers: I have no idea if this will work but I hope it won’t be making waste of high protein flour, aside of the pure intentions of making cinnamon rolls as well. (Aside of that, I have noticed that I seem to be dropping words as I write, thinking that I have already put them in and the sentence becomes loopy where I seem to also be having a problem with that – such pain that I put myself through – I wonder why).
It is raining hard and sitting down with Ed Sheeren’s Photograph playing that my sister had helped to download for me. I am painly suffering from inability to digest the simplest of things – downloading songs where I go full circle to getting the ones that I really like:
i.e. Searching for Sia’s album in a few shops for a few months. Then ripped them on the PC but unable to transfer them into the phone, leaving me feel half dead from disappointment while trashing half of my own stupidity to grasp song transfers.
Oh well. Life goes on to things unrelated:
Note to the World: On all things that goes through life, it is your ownership of self that will ensure you live a quality life by knowing where everything stands for you. And I am as sure as hell tired right now. But then again, it is hard to put on the Sexy Beast on when it gets to the end of the day. It makes me sleepy just thinking about it.
Feeling sh!tty for I had eaten myself a whole cow i.e. 5 donuts in one sitting. Had sugar rush for 15 minutes and then extreme tiredness for the next 1 hour. What and why the hell do I do this to myself? It is extremely self-daunting and not understandable by other species except a sudden office romp would be highly stimulating. (The things I have in my head is not picturesque but an array of words that just flows with a sudden death expression across the face – I kid you not).
I really feel awful that the only purpose I am with the job is because I need the money but with absolutely no motivation to do anything with the job because the instructions are so loose and becomes meaningless and therefore every other thing seems to be meaningless as well. Awful. Pffft.
Note to Self: How the hell are you going to get yourself home in this kind of tiredness knowing that this is not something random that you do onto you like almost all the time? Good grief you are not an alcoholic!
I feel awful. Like Hole’s song. You’re so awesomely awfully Courtney, the benchmark of cool. And I am at the benchmark of slowly drifting from my main purpose of coming to work. So so lost. So so wrong.
Now… the feeling remains.
Note: Nothing beats feeling shifty, flighty and shitty for no apparent reason.
My friend once did my astrological chart when I felt like my world turned upside down and she discovered that my solar revolution was turned into my absolute opposite, the Pisces – and it had to stay that way until that birthday cycle ends. Oh the struggle I had to deal with that sh!t in 2012-2013. Then I became a Scorpio the 2 years and it was great.
So I was reminded of this because I felt quite firm after having gone through a trimester of my birth year and boy, was I disappointed. I remain in the same zodiac I was born in. I had no more sting. And all after I was wailing for weeks asking for a change when I was a Piscean then. I have lost feeling special within me. So organised. And so planning ahead. No spontaneity. But I shall prove myself wrong. For all the right reasons. Because I need some romance in me and I really don’t need this prudish old cat lady knitting in bed when so much action can be made in one yield.
Note to Self: Go find self excitement to ignite spark that will burn yourself thoroughly becoming coal and it will be ignited inwardly for a definite longer time – but to bear the cost of outward hazy, all the time. For an entire year, maybe.