Awesome Lazy

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WEIRD IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I TRY TO SEE MYSELF OUTSIDE THE BOX?  

This cold wall that you see a face with who disappears into her bedroom and only to be seen again tomorrow afternoon.  And I sit down to wonder what is it that I had done the whole time in the room knowing that with just a glance across the it, you know that nothing has been done.  All towels and kids’ Lego strewn all over and upside down sofa, more things on the desk and cabinets that make no sense with cotton buds playing dead on the floor.

But I have accepted that that is how I function.  I need to go into my Self Hole to rekindle my spirits.  Until when I feel like I’m done and I’ve had enough of this internal hibernation that I myself don’t understand about but constantly just do them.  In the mean time, the kids go crazy running throughout the rooms with commotion of who did what, and at what position the bolster has to thrown to whom.  And I would just sit there zoned out listening to the TV that goes down in monotone.

I personally feel that for some people, it would seem to be a completely waste of time.  But it is time that I need that time to heal.  Googled for that INFJ Emptiness and I found this:

Intimacy & Emptiness– can anyone relate?

At least I have confirmation that I’m not crazy – what’s more important is that I’m not the only one!

And then yesterday someone said she has been using online Tarot to guide herself stuck in her own sh!thole of office politics.  Absentmindedly I downloaded the app the same, and found that I am in Lazy Land at work right now.  Okay.  At least I understand that I am lazy right now – the confirmation of that I am lazy (<– truly feeling cynical right now.  As if I don’t know it).  But it also showed how I got to lazy and I relate to the reasons of the disappointments, unfairness of judgement that allows low self-confidence that I decided to give up and thus become lazy with some what little resentment.

Objectively when I understand that, it made me realise that I put myself there and it is only I who can change, see another perspective and pull myself into something else.

But I am still lazy.  Right now.

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Out of nowhere this comes, but it sure as hell makes sense to me!

I just hate how the communication is here.  It dampens me.  It really dampens me every time I feel it is time for me to change the direction for everyone here, because everyone else is damp as well.  And I can’t carry all the dampness around me with a whirlwind that comes whenever it wants to.  It’s silly.

For this person who wishes to just stay for the next 5 years before she embarks on something new on her won, it feels like a struggle having to remain where she is the same.

It definitely builds the awesomely loopy.  Because it is about putting myself in that damp place for an additional 5 years.  So, pffft to myself.

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Awesome Lazy

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