Sugar Coated Sweetness

And so I bake. I cook whenever I feel like it. Because there is a need for it. Or because I feel like I want to, for myself. Or, if I’m not lazy enough, for the rest of the house or community. Whichever.

However, I don’t bake cakes. I make bread. I toast them. I love bread. Not baking cake because it doesn’t finish. I have to make sure my cooking has to finish. Someone has to finish it. So when I prepare them, it has to be in the quantity that is just right. When I make them too much, I am thankful when they are given away without me knowing; but feel upset when I still want them. And I get upset when people say my quantity is not enough because if it was their gathering, they’d have more food than I serve. Well, it isn’t your gathering right? So buzz off.

But today I’m upset that my weight is piling. Is it the going into 40 weight? Or lack of exercise that does not exist? Or the lack of drinking water? Yes, probably. I haven’t been drinking water and I’m feeling them in my ENT when I woke up this morning. The desire to eat is more of the nonsensical. I want sugar glazed or cinnamon donuts!

glazed-cinnamon-donuts-leannebakes-com

This, I don’t want to make. I want to be served. All the sugary cinnamony goodness. Served like a queen. With a tiara on my head. And covered in 916 gold designs all over my fingers and wrists. Oh, and black coffee of course!

And when my DH just called to say he has to stay a night at site, I’m thinking I could stretch that thought. Lunch lathered in Crispy Creme. All over my head and body while the I rest in a tub of black coffee. (Though I think only Lady Gaga can pull that one off).

All this comes to… I am a leader, but I lead my own herd. I get one sheep or goat or cat with me to the donut shop and we’ll have fun there. That’s my little herd. I can help to plan your itinerary. I can help create, or think of how to create or recreate. But I cannot sit upon to lead a whole company. Just because I may blank out from trying to figure everyone else out or already connect the dots of how the people are and may not like it hence withdrawal and surrendering the seat to someone else; aside of resenting some people and situations hence it will be a difficult negative parasitical environment to work in. Let’s face it, I would want to fix situations, but stupid people takes longer time to fix.

Alternatively, I may put a doll on the seat and I give it orders while I am behind the chair.

It’s stupid.

Let’s get sugar high on donuts (and regret about it later)!

 

 

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#FeelingMeh

I’m so not used to not showering in the morning. But today, I only brushed my teeth as we were out of water.  The water company had to cut off all outgoing water at their plant treatment as the water has gone all murky. All of which had apparently gone off since yesterday.  I only knew when I couldn’t shoot any water out to wash my crotch this morning.  But was very thankful for the 1/4 water we still had in the water pail. We’ve been using the water pail since our our water heater stopped working. Haih.

So the kids and I went to school and work with only faces washed, mouth brushed.

And I’m #FeelingMeh.

But I also found an entry on http://www.stellarmaze.com, this Dear INFJ; Thy Throne is Awaiting that made my head spun.

*hitting head onto the wall*

In This Orb of Happy Hum

Today, I don’t feel any awesome or loopy.  Just stuck at ‘or’; but then again, no, not really. I’m just striving under one layer of sleepiness and absorption of hope of something. Fortunately, I am awake. Buzzing entirely today. Even retreated home at lunch time for a shut eye that was only 2 minutes of concentrating on my breathing to empty the conversation in my head.

Readings of some things has mellowed me a bit. It makes me wanna go home and fondle someone. Soft soft touches all over the Jack and Jill tabletops, then all over the bed. Although in truth, it’s all about affection and connection.

I’m feeling grateful for the partner that I have. Our connection hasn’t been this tight. Maybe it does take many years for this bond to grow. Some grow out of it, as we did. But we learnt to let go and accept our own emotions. We learnt to be truthful to ourselves. We learnt to be angry, frustrated, sad and be able talk about it.

We’ve known each other since we were 9 and only began dating in 1999. It has been 17 years long. Engaged 15 years ago. Married 14 years ago. We were pregnant with twins and miscarried them the same. Our first born will be 13 this year. Walked in dirt and built a home. Sparked fire and burnt it down. It was only then that we learnt to rage, cry, laugh out loud and talk it out. And this was 3 years ago.

God knows what’s best for you. And I am thankful for that.

I’m grateful for the things God has given me that money cannot buy. Because not everyone is granted the truest form of life partner.

He will turn 40 this Saturday. He will never know how many blogs I have. Or what I’ve written about. Or how much life has shaped me, shaped all of my surroundings. Or really, how much I feel him inside of me. But I feel equal. I feel stable. In this orb of happy hum.