Drunken Salted Fish

I think it’s intriguing that I’ve been constantly hungry. Then with headaches, and hunger pangs again and blisters all over in the mouth. Nothing seems to be able to subside it since yesterday. Most probably it’s nearing that time of the month but this stomach behaviour is unacceptable because I want to lose weight! Hahaha.

Just caught up with Miss Brown and we briefly went through our stupidest life segments – which were all really stupid. Then me telling her that a few weeks ago her (soon to be ex) husband tried to add me as friend on Facebook; and she went, “Yeah, yeah. It was me,” while looking down in a quick glance of shame with me going, ‘What? (lost)’ on my face; before both of us almost died laughing. She quickly asked, “Do you mean that the Friend Request is still there, because I tried taking them down after realising the account wasn’t mine?” Naturally I asked her if she was drunk at the time.  We almost died laughing again. In the office pantry. People would’ve found us if we did. Yeah. Because it all happened before 5:00pm.

Then I told her about this argument where I had apparently been ‘so difficult’ with this one man. So brazen of me to laugh about all the nonsense that came out of our mouths in his face, more over what was ‘being an issue’ of salted fish which I DID NOT bring up and it rose by itself in an argumentative discussion with itself. “Salted fish?!” *squinting eyes* Yes. Over salted fish. …It was whether or not we should get salted fish for someone with diabetes. Bear in mind, I DID NOT bring it up and neither did I DECIDE on anything. It just reeled out and in again by itself and I made it into an issue – like, seriously?  Yes. You see, this proves that… I’m really the man in this relationship.  Just don’t ask me if you’re fat, already.

After 40 years of trying to assimilate self with people, I finally get friends. Yes, I have been lonely like other INFJs out there. And thinking that I’m bipolar, perhaps. Scrutinizing self until I get run into depression. Constantly having this need of explaining myself when I really don’t have to. Or that I’m not worthy of friendship and I’m so difficult of a person whom nobody can get along with.

But it took me a divorce to make me understand me.  To be able to relate and feel comfortable in my own skin instead of second guessing to everything and have the world turn upside down by the things I have in my head, which really makes things even worse than it seems.  And to only realize when I’m settled with me, real friendships are made.  I could even say NO to things I don’t want to have in my life.  I’ve crossed some off my list.  Some I’ve made as mutual friends, and those who cling on closer than ever.  This friendship I have with this woman, is clearly, emotionally aware and connected.

So I am thankful.  Even for that awfully brief chat over a biscuit and awful lot of sound from stories of stupid arguments (that went reeling by itself).

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Note to Self:  So, okay.  It’s his problem – really.  Hahaha.

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A Little Story and A Little Stress

It has been many days that I have not been writing.  Maybe the wires in my head connected. Or I didn’t have time to connect. Or they were disconnected.  I have no idea.  Perhaps the latter applies.  When has it ever was connected?

We had a gathering at home over the weekend.  My aunt who lives abroad, returns for a short visit home with her husband before adventuring the Java and to head on home straight after.  They are into their 70s now.  Or her husband is.  Actually, I think it’s both of them.  Her husband was super tired from all the food and functions and the receiving endless visits from family.  He was so drained, he kept drinking the kampong coffee I made for him without really tasting them.  I hope he didn’t leave being drunk on them.  Although my aunt was endlessly chatting and had her fun.  And her husband kept telling us, “I will go and see after my wife now,” he kept going three times before they actually proceeded to outside the house.  Poor man.  Haha.

Perhaps it is the cycle that I end up doing coordination things for other people where in the end my priorities linger elsewhere until the last minutes of wrath.  No, I know.  I am guilty of procrastination.  Like now.  But truthfully, I seriously need to wind down a few minutes before I begin again.  But that is also when I get interrupted to do something else not mine.  You know what I mean?

Technically, I am well.  Just with headaches here and there.  And just tired.  I’m just tired all the time.  I don’t know why.  Just constantly tired.

Now I need a dark room, with fluffiness of bed and coolness of temperature.

Just a little insight for myself today.  I believe I have majority of the below in line.  Only I try to forgive.  Because forgiving will set you free – but it does nothing to your High Blood Pressure – you’ll continue to be on medication until you die.

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Note: I’m so sleepy and kinda moody right now. And I’ve only managed to settle 1 major task today.  I feel like such a failure.  (Well, actually, not really.  I just need someone to console me for something that has not happen – yet.  I’m bad.) 

Friday Driftings

Hi.  It is already Friday.

I’m routinely off and have dismembered my office brain somewhere between the toilet and the waste paper basket sitting at the bottom of my right foot.  So detailed that it has left my energy swallowed somewhere…

There are 300 150 more things to do.  And my mind is already in KLCC’s Mandarin Oriental in thick fluffy duvet looking over the park.  Or gliding through the canals of Venice on a gondola. Or taking this breather walk under branches of grapevines in Italy. Just embracing nature, love and hibernation in pure comfort.

The truth is my table is full of paper and stationery, water bottles and chewing gum. My belly wants to unload, and my head wants to sleep, but I need to get ready to go home.  Even now I’m silently calculating if I’m able to be alert once I’m in the driver’s seat. And whether or not I should pick my child up from school at 6:10pm (she is arranged with transport); because I have a wedding reception to attend at 7:30pm tonight that is 20mins WITHOUT JAM but 1hr 30mins WITH JAM ON A FRIDAY AT PEAK HOUR. So I have no idea how to do with it right now.

So I shall unload my belly at home, will let the transport do its job with my child, and pack for home right now – although I have 20 minutes more to go.  My office brain has just went offline.

Okay. Let us all just log off nicely and inhale for the weekend.

Today is really one of those days when my minds drifts…

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Actually, this is just simply me.

I am poetic. Until someone hits the wrong button to make me become psychotic. Haha.

Incapacitated Emotions

Dear Self,

You and grumpiness.  I have no words to say it.  You are a grumpy person.  Then you laugh too much, it means you’re lonely inside. When in fact you make yourself lonely.  And then you question yourself why you try to suffer yourself with that that puts you into a more lonelier territory.  And you become grumpier.  [Pause]  You are one sad person, aren’t you?

How is this?

  1. You can’t comprehend too much of emotion at any one time.
  2. You can’t be in an overcrowded situation without a purpose – being in a sale and queuing up to pay in long lines are a totally different things.
  3. You get nervous at social gatherings unless if it’s about coffee and maximum 5 friends at any one time.
  4. You can’t even socialize with your own family members.  You’re just cold that way.  It’s ugly. Totally ugly.
  5. You won’t commit to family agendas because of how things are with them.

Oh God I feel like a bad person.

I really don’t know if it’s because I’m allowed to be it; or I’m made to be it.  But as I was making breakfast this morning, I was thinking that, I am adult and therefore I am responsible for my own actions.  No one should be accountable to that, I am the one in control of myself.

That was when I felt like a total sh!8.

Maybe I just need to pull the blanket and hide in my bed all day today; or what it feels like right now.

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Note to Self: But this seems to make sense.  Apparently I am simultaneously the most emotional / least emotional person I know.  The INFJ contradictory is DEFINITELY a real struggle.

Perspectives on Going Viral

I found this intriguing.  Defines the definition of emotional growth, that can only be learnt by the person itself; and cannot be taught by others = priceless education.

Sharing with the world:

Four bloggers share their thoughts on publishing a post that’s read by millions of people around the world.

Source: Perspectives on Going Viral

50th day of 2016

I feel compelled to write each day to get my systems out getting ‘need-to-do’ vibes for myself of late.  But it has always been that way.  Ms Buns often told me that my emotional bucket is at a limited size. Such bucket.  Because each time I vomit out to her and wonders why, she goes, “Tsk tsk tsk, you still haven’t realized, after all these years, that you have a small bucket, do you?”  Then we fall into laughter together.

Been blogging since 2004 in randomness.  But I finally understood this need of having so many of blogs when I discovered that I was in INFJ in Dec 2015.  Each caters to my sub-feelings that I needed at that exact time.  There goes again with my bucket being full.

So still standing, I have 9 blogs.  My writings are scattered everywhere.  But to note that the highest post visit achieved was my review for wax strip – of all the things.  My rambles remain as rambles.  Haha.

Today is Friday the 19th.  It is the 50th day of 2016.

I have achieved so far in this year:

  1. Going extremely sad with ugly cries.
  2. Opening another dimension of my relationship with my other half in our communication.
  3. Submitted myself to sending and/or fetching the kids to/from school whenever I can.
  4. Find focus at work – the energy here puts me off balance somehow ever since I joined the team.
  5. Get over lazy at work – after having put off focus in trying to figure out WTH is wrong with the team.
  6. Being kind.
  7. Being resentful.
  8. Being difficult.
  9. Being complex – I get to this every day anyhow.
  10. Made difficult food preparation become easy.
  11. Trail hiking in 2 places – that both broke my spirit and 1 made me cry just to finish the leg (and embarrassed my other half).
  12. I took care of myself.

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Humble spirit.  Just emotionally messed up for herself.  But can easily solve other people’s problem, just not for herself.

Next on the list: A local trip for the family.  One that will induce better communication for the family and moderately physical for me. Oh, and a couple’s trip.  And to be in a bed of flowers (that can be a hard thing to get here), but we’ll see.

Note to Self: Coffee is good.  It also helps to stimulate bowel movement for me.  So please do this complex physical emotional calculation before making one for yourself this morning. But I think you’re going to make one for yourself one despite having gone to the toilet twice already, because you’re one sleepy woman (and for the sake of other people here).

A Little Surprised

After a few days of drifting into my own emotions, I am better today.  Maybe it was the conversations I’ve had with my other half.

For one:

I never knew he could sense things about me from my body language.  Isn’t it amusing that I’ve never expected it?  Maybe it is something about reading other people that you feel others won’t read yours just because you’re constantly deep in thought.  Aih.

Simply he told me: “THIS (zoning my entire being), tells me you are unhappy about something.”

Secondly:

He was ranting about making wrong choices i.e. having thoughts of his own ideas that floated in his head but carried on with mine (that I gave out as problem solving at the time as no decision was made – flexible for any changes).  Of course this bothered me, again, me, deep in thought, had apparently been sighing and humphing out loud.

And he tells me: “Why are you humphing?  You only do it when you’re stressed out.  Why do you get this way over small matters that shouldn’t bother you in the first place?  I was just going over myself, for not voicing out/carrying out my choices.  Then you get all headaches stressing over the unimaginable small things.  Why??”

Me: I kept quiet while enjoying the sudden island breeze in my head going “La la la la la la” in my head with feet dipped into the edges of the sea.

We never had this open communication before.  But things has gotten better after spirits rekindled a few years ago.  I rant to him now, when I used to keep all in.  Knowing from random things I read and try to remember about INFJ, I do want to have him experience being in my head with me – not that I don’t understand myself anyhow.  And I realize that he’ll never know the extent of me as spoken of INFJ.

He has had several attempts to listen to me go on and drone.  Then he tells me lightly and humorously that I’m droning and I tell him, “and I shall continue hereon henceforth” – hahahahaha.  And I’m thankful that this open communication is improving that he’s able to tell me straight as above.

I feel better and I’m thankful.

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Note to Self: More guava is good for your belly.  If you have too much, you’ll bloat and feel partially silly somehow but because you’re full, you won’t be able to eat anything else and all cleans your stomach.