My heart still drowned in its own uniqueness of sorrow as I drove home from work yesterday. It had been drizzling, then the whole sky seemed to have fallen and back to drizzling. Then I spoke to myself, then I spoke to God as a friend. All about me being stuck in this box of unhappiness, not being able to identify them to be able to sort them out and me feeling like I’m a mess in the middle of everything on the inside.
It has always been hard for me to cry. But tears began rolling. I had them ugly cries. Choking into my own saltiness and gasps. Then I realized that I had forgotten that in every part of emotion and every sense of the world belongs to Him and it is only He that we can ask from to guide us.
The connection I have with him is like WiFi. Some days it’s strong, some days it wavers and no line available. I have been wavering, unfortunately. And the emotional lessons I get from what he lays for me are priceless. Because after redefining my life’s principles for the moment of ugly cry, I realized that I had been dwelling in extreme sadness from what I see and listen and disagree.
…How people manage their lives from boasting to now having difficulty getting their ends meet to waiting power cut from electric company.
…How people take other people’s money without reservations and without respect.
…How people stick to their life partners, defend and stay loyal through the toughest times.
…How people separate and at the last straw of their might, they do things just trying to fix them through desperation.
…How people help but kindness is returned with either badly shown appreciation or expectation of continuous help.
I try to help. But I need to teach you how to fish. When I tried to, you bite my hand off and bark me away. I asked God sometime ago to make you realize what my real intentions were for you. I wanted you to see what I see. Do what is right for you and your family. Not to be drowned in your own egoistic ways. And He’s making you know that now.
Oh this posting is getting emotional…
Just that, I still help as I could behind your backs. Because you need to learn how to do good to people. You need to know how to fish for yourself instead of taking credit for the things you haven’t done. You need to know how to work in silence. You need to know what is important in life. So do not be ashamed of this learning process.
What I do for you now, is only what I am able to provide for the kids; because it is not their fault to be where they are right now and it is their right to be in school. I shall leave the bill paying to yourselves.
And this is why it had been hurtful for me:
Coz at the end of the day, it is who you are, what you do and how truthful you’ve been to yourself; is what matters.
Note to Self: “Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love.” – Hector and the Search of Happiness.