Waffles

I made waffles yesterday.  I have never made them before.  Always repetitive visits to A&W for double-scoop vanilla ice cream with strawberry jam waffles.  So I made them again this morning.  He thinks it’s repetition. Unneeded repetition.  But this is how I know it is:

I want to know how to make them.  Then I’ll make them again to see how I like them. Over and over again tirelessly until the result makes me smile.  I will then keep making them until it gets to my own personal perfection.  Like, how much time should I keep them in the waffle maker, or how fluffy should the eggs be.

This is also how I think, practice and implement in life.

– Getting the recipe: Observation

– Making them: Practice, Experience & Adventure

– Adjusting: Research, Discovery & Learning Curves

– Settling: Review & Closing of File

Something like that.  I do know I’m missing one or two items in there.

I just want to be inspired.

And I love him.

I love him.

So loving him.

I wonder if he knows how much appreciation, feeling of blessing, utmost trust and loyalty I feel inside me right now.

 

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Note to Self: Life and love embrace you when you set yourself free.  Now sky’s the limit.

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Calculation

Have you ever realize how the rich ones are the ones who are most calculative?  It has always been at the back of my mind.  But only at the age of reaching 40 that I’m beginning to be fully aware of this in my surrounding – how having $400,000 is “My money is depleting.” Then I look back to compare with my banking accounts. So much lesser in hundreds of percentage from that amount.  Meh.

Nevertheless, arranging a trip with this personality type is… cute.  Especially when we have to go around to get a few people to coax the situation be understandable why the things are priced as such.  Of course I added 10% fluctuation rate on the things, also with the taxes involved; but still, I know I have to learn to bend more delicately to approaching things – I can be so dementedly evil in statements, like: “Then you arrange and pay your own trip and I’ll just settle mine – and meet there.”  But they don’t have credit card.  So…  I’m trying to help, you see.  And anyways, the balance will be put as Pool Money for any other group expenses later.

So today, I calculate… claims.  Haven’t done anything progressive this morning.

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Note to Self:  We really are caring people… Really.

The Wind

I always feel whirled in meaningless wind when she’s here.  It feels like the cycle of life is disrupted just to accommodate where the wind pleases to circulate or make a little destruction to delay impending projects.  Like the course of nature, so natural that it feels like it should be the way of life – meaningless and wastage of energy for me.  So wasteful and disruptive with the effort I have to put it.

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Note to Self:  Why is it suddenly I feel as if life is disco-balled for no reason at all?

Pretentiously Happy

Pretentiously making people happy by praising them is awfully tiring.

  1. It isn’t sincere.  It’s being truthful.
  2. Feels like aimlessly feeding people’s ego – for what?
  3. Definitely gives you an ounce of dumb each time you try.

But then again, there are people who needs to work that way.  Because of that, you have to bend yourself and your principles to honour them somehow – which brings to No.3.  That’s just how I feel.  Now without any idea how long I’ll be able to withstand all this.

They are just sad.

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“Weight, what is this again?”

 

All the internal weight sits on my physical body.

We had this conversation of babies.  We thought of it.  We thought, perhaps it is sufficient with the three that we have.  But I kept thinking about trying for another baby.  I put on the bright side that the children are now big and so I get to join in the activities that he takes part in – just the two of us – with ease.

Then I had my Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) which is also known as episode of a stroke, last year in March.  It became apparent that it was my 3rd attack throughout this lifetime.  Only this one was recorded and sent for thorough checking as I was clueless with the earlier 2 attacks.

Last night this conversation popped.  He opened up about how much he really would like to try.  But he is concerned about me.  Having hypertension will easily open up to other illnesses susceptible even more while carrying the baby.  That was why he was asking me to lose weight.  For him, that means, I would have to take care of my food intake and physical fitness (which I seriously don’t have) to be healthy for that.

I only saw: He wants me to lose weight.  I know I need to lose weight.  Period.  Nothing more trailing behind.

Me: I want to feel good about myself.  Now that I’m hitting 40, everything seems sluggish with PCOS.  I’ve submitted to embracing size 14UK/42EUR/12US – which is semi-depressing, actually.

Let’s just see where I can go with this.  Overall it’s just overwhelming in a very inertia state of mind.

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Note to Self:  I have no idea where to begin…  So please help me, God.

My Own Abnormalities

I went on a Harley-Davidson bike trip with a few couples in Indonesia.  It took me away from my normalities.  Brought me back to life somehow.  Made me learn once again to be thankful, to be patient, to be a little afraid and apprehensive, to be brave and let go, to trust your gut instinct and to trust your spouse.

Throughout the journey I felt vigorously happy.  But somehow I was also going through this tunnel of the past where deceit, pain, having to be brave and realize that there was no one else to rely on except me of the what-ifs and what really didn’t happen and what really did happen when I wasn’t there; for some reason.  The times when he was about to leave, when he left and what life did to him.

I fought hard within myself to keep everything down.  Swallowed all the blackened ashes of road dust that covered the whole of me.  Drained all ammonia smelling salty sweat from within me.  And imagined the blue green waving sea greeting the dark sands of Bogor beach.

In logic, there wasn’t any reason for me to be drowned in those feelings and internal perceptions.  They all happened in the past.  But the pain felt real.  But I so love him and wanted to wear him over me everywhere in affection.  For the person he really is.  The person whom I fell in love with over and over again, no matter how difficult he can be – as I am now as difficult as he is – HAH!

I had been trying to transcript out how I felt.  It was difficult.  The words became something else and the topic became weary, directionless and went somewhere else than what I wanted to really express.  Third time’s luck, I suppose.

No barrier I hold for him.  And the same he responds to me.

I would be sprawling across the floor/bed/sofa and reaching to kiss him forehead.  That’s how I feel.  Deserving for the forehead.  And he’d be pretending to crunch his head with and unhappy-but-actually-happy smile when I do.

Moving on, we’re planning another trip soon.  And I’m loving my new hobby.  If only I know how to ride.

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Who’s the Mommy?

I’m a working mom.  Where sometimes I feel like a failure.  Because I don’t try harder.  But I realised that my children takes care of me.

For example, they will remind me to off the TV, fan, lights and everything else when I leave the room.  Or, “Mom, don’t forget your keys, your handbag, your watch, and your phone…”  Or, remind me to make milk when I’m about to go down for large bottles of water at night.

Then sometimes they will tell me what matches and does not.  This would go as far as shoes.  Or remind me to put on some lipstick.  What more with groceries when shopping.

I suppose I’m just practical.  I mean, I try to dress up sometimes dressing up shawls and scarves.  Some days I just don’t, because there isn’t time, or it’s too hot or I just don’t feel like it.  What of the days that I just grab whatever that I could fit at the time and roll off in my rubber shoes.  Sad.

But then again…

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So maybe.

And the eclipse happened this morning.  The weather turned crisp hot that at one moment, you stop sweating; while the other you are suddenly drenched in sweat.  All I know, my head and neck feels and smells awesomely like dirty diaper.

Just random droning.  Take care.