I get disappointed most of the time. This feeling frustrates me and I get angry. Angry-Sad. Passive-Aggressive. Feel down. Feel harnessed in mid-air. Prone to early morning cursing. Or late night denying self of sleep until sleep adjusts itself onto me. Then the headaches, the physical lack of rest falls into place. Still, unable to cry because logic tells me that I have not enough need to cry.
Sounds like a worldly complication. But this is me. I am complicated. My sarcasm is acidic. Mouth goes rampant on precision of loathings. Slamming doors. Dreams of travel. Desire to move but yet static. Movement idyllic to home, work and everything that defines a schedule. The need to rejuvenate. But even that sometimes needs to be justified until everything is out of proportion and someone else needs to save me or until I get sick. Sick and internally depressed. Unable to find a push to even smile. Just because I am unable to smile for myself, or anybody else.
But I am blessed. For the moments that I feel okay but truthfully really, my heart is seeping hurt in numbness. That is when I’m given opportunity to talk, be with friends who are at the time, emotionally okay to help suck the energy that is beyond my own comprehension. How. Sometimes I wonder. How do I sustain my own personal injuries and be expected to solve other people’s problems?
Mrs Cusp wants to champion something within her family but she is being dramatic about it, claiming that the family is being shamed of some skeleton in the closet. But the skeleton is her mother. And her mother has done nothing but good in this world. The skeleton that is made out of all the roses and peonies, hydrangeas and daisies with butterflies.
I’m just tired of Mrs Cusp’s many futile attempts to revamp her own emptiness in self identity by encroaching other people’s things. Stop it already. Stop trying to make yourself feel that you are better than anyone else. It is not anything but annoying. One of the reasons why I cannot have meals with you.
She has attempted to be out with me, to have time with me. But my time is precious. I cannot invest them in allowing you to use them on the pretext to catch up with me when you really want to talk about yourself, or someone else’s problems and how it is making you feel when the opinion is not really yours to own in the first place which you will try to define for a long duration of time.
After all the years with Mrs Cusp, I am now asking randomly to anyone out there, why she has to be that shallow to skeletal her own mother for her own satisfaction?
I don’t know why. But I am offended. But the only way to get through this is to ignore her. But it is tiring. Even when I discard as much connection as I could with her. I just don’t need her energy to infuriate me for no reason. And I don’t need receiving her calls. As much as having her to dampen my spirits or questioning how I lead my life with my spouse and family, by trying to pry about through my circle of friends, social network, other family members and through the kids.
Enough is enough.
And this is the skeletal in my closet.
It is sad that Mrs Cusp still doesn’t know who I am, what to value and where/how boundaries/respect lie. I can’t do with exhaustion anymore. If you want to champion it, just do it yourself. Don’t expect or follow up/through so that everyone else will jump into the bandwagon and do it for you while you wash your hands off behind. Pure malice. I no longer can do with that.
And this weight has been lifted off my heart.