I am constantly sleepy – even with sufficient sleep. Perhaps I need more water.
Right now, I officially will be referring Simba as PUMBA as this PUMBA strive for attention by portraying business flying emails everywhere just when everything else is delegated onto other irrelevant units. All Pumba needs is a bloody trophy for each attempt to email or call anyone. So insincere.
Feeling extremely drowsy from overeating. I also think there was dried shrimp in one of the dishes served in today’s Eid party. My foot is itchy.
Office came into a brand new block. Today is the official opening event. Today is also the corporate t-shirt day.
What went wrong:
Tried looking for my t-shirt since Saturday. I put them in the pile ‘to-be-ironed (TBI)’. Slept beyond 2:00am to settle them. Status: Still missing in the morning.
Was making breakfast, he hollered that he had to go NOW. His meeting bound at 7:30am and it was 6:50am. It takes a while to get to his work place. But I was a bit mystified when he said he can’t even make time for cereal. Fine.
Sent the boys to school. Wore my bra outside my pajama t-shirt. Put a sweater on top.
Came home to see all the sandwiches I made for breakfast are gone. None left for me – YEAY… #feelingsad
Went to make myself a new sandwich and plain cheese sandwich for the other still sleeping kid. Had to fight my way into the bedroom to keep them there so that no one else will eat them – or the cats.
Text the family if anyone has seen my pile of TBI. Definitely I’d have to apply for EL if I can’t find it. It is an official opening event!
Found that my mom has accidentally brought the whole TBI into her room over the weekend. Work begins at 8:30am. I got the t-shirt at 8.40pm and decided to take my time. Left for work at 9:15am.
While at the traffic light, I noticed that I’ve got foundation on my dark blue pants – at the crotch! Aih.
At the junction near the office, my car suddenly has loud sounds from the tyres. Yes. The right front tyre is flat. Okies.
While getting on the system at work, I had to speak/email/verbal abuse/listen/accept people’s verbal abuse/throw a tantrum/calling everyone else to channel the tantrum someplace safe with several internal departments. At this point of time, they are still unresolved. And 3 items are URGENT requirements.
While getting No.10 done, Simba tried to interrupt the flow and tried to put in a hand WITHOUT my knowledge or authorisation as he knows nothing about the processes. But he had to do it, you see. He was compelled to be ‘helpful’. Some awesome jerk he is.
I, pulled a tantrum when I got a call from Finance, telling me that ‘my boss’ (WTF), Simba had tried ‘following through’ with them when we are still waiting on the approval process at Level 1 where it doesn’t even involve Finance yet. So I began shouting – JUST STOP CALLING EVERYONE. YOU’RE NOT HELPING. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PROCESSES? SO JUST STOP MAKING THINGS DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE! Simba fell quiet. Simba should’ve fallen through 15 floors. Such ick.
I couldn’t sleep throughout the night – worried about the uniform, I suppose. I kept waking up every 1 hour since 4:00am.
This dark desire for 5 cigarettes. Dark dark dark desire. Just something that I cannot afford to have.
For the moment that my car went flat, one colleague was concerned and came asking me as soon as I got out of the car.
Then the boys whom I work with, went ahead to help me change the car into spare tyres and brought it for sealing. I’m so thankful for them.
So many came to aid listening to me rant because me, being so resentful that it did not finish when all these internal customers kept calling me back to follow through everything else.
One of the men said, God is planning something so great for you right now for you to be grateful for, once all of these are done with. Be patient, he reminds me. Okies.
I am tired. Beyond words. I can’t follow up with anyone right now to rectify the system’s glitch just to get my requests done.
And I’ve got Selena to go to. I’m really praying that I won’t fall asleep just because I love her and we paid so much to be seating in the front row!
Yesterday I got to the coin laundry and got all washing done in 25kg colour and 9kg white. All of the clothes got dry on time. We all grabbed a a light weight brunch and proceeded to visit 4 houses to celebrate the Eid festivities.
So today I woke up late. He went off to work early this morning. And I woke up to unfolded laundry all over the bedoom floor in this studio room we share in my mom’s (actually still my dad and mom’s) house.
Got down straight to cut some pears for the kids who has already been whining for hunger. Then I went to scrub their school shoes for the week. Worried that it was cloudy. And indeed at this time of the night, the shoes are still slightly damp. But I’ve chalked them white anyhow.
Got on to fold the clothes. Not all was done because the kids were still hunger. I mean, what would you expect from just pears. So I got them ready and told them we were going to get groceries for breakfast and as I made the turn away from home, he called to say he was going to come home within the hour and off we were to go to his friend’s daughter’s birthday party. Aih. Got them something light and turned back home.
Looking at my wardrobe was frustrating. I didn’t know what looks good on me, really. His eyes are fussy. So I put on some clothes while my mom fed the kids from some take out she bought, and in he came telling me the clothes weren’t nice. Tantrum. I didn’t hold back. Tantrum. Explained tantrum. He listened. We finally left in his choice of clothing. My mom just smiled and noted on his fussiest.
We got home. He put the kids out. I fell asleep. He went back to work. I got depressed from all the pending items and continued sleeping. One child woke me up. He was hungry. I saw the mess in the room and piles to be ironed. Cringed. Still cringing.
Got ready. Then they said instant noodles were on the list. Aih. Instant noodles.
Brought 2 kids with me for the groceries at 8.30pm. Got some Baskin Robbins to lift spirit up. Then I added with Starbucks. Put then to bed as it reaches 10.00pm. Went down to chalk their shoes and now sitting outside the house in an invisible corner for smokes and blog. I still hide the fact that I smoke from my mom although I’m sure she knows it.
I still have some 5% of folding, and 100% of ironing. But I’ve got a tummy ache now. And the phone’s battery is down to 37%. With the new Android update, the battery will die faster if it’s below 50%.
He’s still at work.
At least I got to talk and debate my views of my day’s frustration with the kids while we were out of the house just now. I’m thankful that they’re very much emotionally apt for these adult conversations.
That’s it for today.
Please don’t mind the misspelling all as it autocorrects itself as I go and Im not bothered to reread this post before posting it online.
I realize that my postings are becoming intimate by day.
I had a good beginning today. I have also realized that I have been terribly missing Him. Hence the ramblings that seem to go on forever. But as usual, it’ll take me half a century to pinpoint it – like, EVERY TIME – come on!!!
Then I reread the entries I last posted, and was moved by the emotions that ran in it. It is sincerely surprising for me because I felt like I was all over the place and couldn’t tie them down into categories or put them into the ‘should be’ flow. I really was weirded out, spaced out… Aih.
So I came in late to work today. Two office event committees needed things that I have at home for catering. All required me to go through the things and washing yada yada… I also took the chance to clear the state of my room that even one of my child said, “This room is so messy right now it’s giving me headache,” to which I responded with, “Yeah, so same with me right now”.
Left for work at only after 10.30am and now I’m feeling sleepy. I still have got errands to run around for the event committee later today, depending on the availability of the other colleague (I’m still waiting for her right now). And remember the system rejection of my work request yesterday? It’s still stuck in the server for reasons only God knows best. Aih. Not talking about the new requests I have put into the system that is facing glitches as well.
… … …
Last night, he called at 10:30pm to say he’s done with work and will be getting/having dinner on the way home. From the last response that made him the Internal Hulk, I didn’t follow up although I thought of asking but decided to wait up for him instead. I just couldn’t hold waiting and slept at 1:00am. He came home and crept around the room at 1:20pm. Hmm.
So I made breakfast this morning, where one child tells me he hasn’t any school uniform to put on and me telling him to iron them out himself for not caring to check if his is ready for wear the next day – and he did, for the first time. That was sooo internally hilarious for this mommy. Serves him right.
Then another child tells me I look tired as I was serving the food on the table. “Yes, that’s right. I am. I waited for your dad to come home until 1:00am,” quite tactfully without facing Him and I knew his body went into spasm hearing it. *Laughing internally hard*
Later on at 10:30am, he text me saying he misses me. Then tells me that we’d be grocery shopping tonight, which is… He told me that he’s gonna have to stay until past midnight, longer then previous nights, tonight.
I have no idea when your words contradict in your brain, your thoughts, your schedule, your speech etc. But I’ve learnt to just let them drop like that. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen.
… … …
Okay, time to follow through with this colleague about getting the event stuffs done now.
In all awesome loopiness, I tell myself I’m awake while I dress myself well just so I will at least concentrate on something, not all other things that I need to get done. I know I’m in dire need of a grande Americano with an extra shot just plainly black so badly right now. But instead of reaching out for the sugar trap of the only available coffee in the office right now, the 3-in-1 coffee sachets, I ‘brewed’ myself some green tea.
Work wise, I’ve got stuffs that needs concentration and multi-tasking. So many are pending but I prefer to keep my desk clear as if nothing is going on for the sake of healthy mind that I really need. Insanity is not an option. With one application online rejected after 3rd attempt of re-submission, processing of responses for sponsorship requests, impending claims, updating of bills, making other payment processes and printing matters. And now this Simba requests for an update in the system for training request without information. It was just a ‘request’. Putting aside of the refreshment that Simba had requested for, I really took on the literal request for ‘drinking water’. I bought 3 boxes of mineral water. Have fun.
Help me focus. Because I do feel like breaking down and cry. It’s overwhelming. Especially when I get upset and rile it somewhere at home. The truth is, I am a toned down perfectionist. I let things get messy now. But right now at home, the messy is getting to me. He now needs to work late due to the project he’s handling. But it had only been this week. And I forgot about him telling me he’d be home late from work so I gave him one spiteful message when he didn’t show up after 10:00pm. Of course, THAT made him feel something – not the ones I’ve brought up before. Because he was WORKING you see. So that makes planets away of difference. *taps finger on table*
You should know that the cracks in my heart began over a month earlier when he spends most of his nights out with this person who’s cracking down from life (although he never mentioned the reason for it, but I know) and various other groups of people that he rarely sees all on other rare days that happened to be scattered almost 6 nights out of 7 each week. Then I’m left with all housework and the kids (I really wish they would listen to me). They refuse and keep holding off to go to bed, or bathe, or get ready on time, or do homework… *eye rolls*
I managed to wash and dry laundry while the kids attended tuition. Folded and kept the clothes at home and ironed after midnight. Just like 5% left to complete, then he comes home. Didn’t say a thing. Neither did I.
We both in the end took our cigarette packs and smoked until we’ve both had enough with just me asking him if he had much to be done at work that day. He muffled response, then said, “I’m going to bed,” went in and sent me a text asking me bring in his cigarettes that he had left behind.
I slept on the sofa. That was the only space I had. All other kids were spread out on the bed. He didn’t make room for me.
Dear Capricorn Men,
You take people for granted so easily. I’m feeling it.
Just… Aih. Why do I bother? But if I don’t, it’ll left me hanging there alone by myself. I miss you. I need to feel I have you supporting me emotionally. Not just me.
I feel like I’m silently falling. Maybe you know it. But you’re too occupied to do anything about it. So please don’t ask if I go off and take care of my wounded heart myself. That’s what you love about me anyways. Independent. That’s why I’m taken for granted. Then you want to participate in my ‘ME’ life. Therefore I am secretive because I have the right to be.
You know what? I’m gonna throw myself back into work right now.
Sounds awfully like me. Scary. Because I’m so light-weighted in appearance (although I keep forgetting that I don’t smile very much) but yet so surprisingly like ‘deceiving’ people from what they think of who I am. Poor those people.
It happens that there are a few functions being planned by fake people. Oh my. I managed to make it sound so high school-ish. But they make it like high school where the elites stay in that fake group-esque and think that they own it. Well, they might think it, but they’re not owning it. We’re actually just going with it and I’m dying to see what happens when they try to manipulate situations, if they do want to, and see if they get caught. That would of course, be a sad thing, because they want to own the Sheriff’s badge and claim seniority in age and therefore people must give respect to them no matter what.
I just think it’s stupid, and a waste of time. For one, respect must be earned. No interest to play with you in your control issues games just because it makes you feel great and superior. Just stop using people for anything. Aih. All very surface = no value = why bother?
And this article does bring out reasons why I rub wrong shoulders with them. The fact is, I can just stand there but they will be so perturbed by it that they’ll drama their way into making me a problem. So hateful. So time and effort wasting for them. Because I don’t care.
Oh it’s awful when even while writing one of the most interesting entries, I still can’t manage to get my eyes open. Ugh.*yawns*