I don’t feel awesome today. This unhappiness is weighing me down. Attempted to go out with people for lunch to these past few days to lift my spirits up but it’s actually weighing me down. There was no connection. Zilch. Nada.
Me emotions have not been filled. Too many sticks of cigarettes are sucked into my lungs to fill in the void. Too tired. Too many load of things to do. Too many things bothering my mind. Too many persons to have them listen to me. Too many things I have put on hold. Void all over. Too many sleepless nights. Too tired.
Do not take me for granted. A hug will not solve it. For this person to cry would be so horribly strange because it’s always so hard for me to cry. But I cried myself to sleep last night. Who would know that?
Yes, I punish myself sometimes. I resent myself sometimes. I pull away from family and the rest of the world because I need sanity. I FEEL EVERYTHING. I feel everything.
I swallow my disappointments because it will hurt you when it comes out so blunt.
I swallow my disappointments because I know the resources is at that limitation.
I swallow my disappointments because even if I bring them up, nothing changes.
Oh my heart cracks writing all this.
I am not hurt. I am broken hearted. For all the things I cannot control that is necessary to provide. And all this makeup I put on just to make me look good to feel good is not doing anything for me. Because I’m not exterior.
I feel everything.
Please try to understand.
Appreciate my efforts, or I’ll be stuck and unable to move onto other things for this nastiness of gunk sitting at the base of all my emotions and turn me into a cynic as I slowly shutdown and enclose myself into another layer of skin.
I just hope I’ll get through today with a lot of things done, for myself.
Just for me.