In all awesome loopiness, I tell myself I’m awake while I dress myself well just so I will at least concentrate on something, not all other things that I need to get done. I know I’m in dire need of a grande Americano with an extra shot just plainly black so badly right now. But instead of reaching out for the sugar trap of the only available coffee in the office right now, the 3-in-1 coffee sachets, I ‘brewed’ myself some green tea.
Work wise, I’ve got stuffs that needs concentration and multi-tasking. So many are pending but I prefer to keep my desk clear as if nothing is going on for the sake of healthy mind that I really need. Insanity is not an option. With one application online rejected after 3rd attempt of re-submission, processing of responses for sponsorship requests, impending claims, updating of bills, making other payment processes and printing matters. And now this Simba requests for an update in the system for training request without information. It was just a ‘request’. Putting aside of the refreshment that Simba had requested for, I really took on the literal request for ‘drinking water’. I bought 3 boxes of mineral water. Have fun.
Help me focus. Because I do feel like breaking down and cry. It’s overwhelming. Especially when I get upset and rile it somewhere at home. The truth is, I am a toned down perfectionist. I let things get messy now. But right now at home, the messy is getting to me. He now needs to work late due to the project he’s handling. But it had only been this week. And I forgot about him telling me he’d be home late from work so I gave him one spiteful message when he didn’t show up after 10:00pm. Of course, THAT made him feel something – not the ones I’ve brought up before. Because he was WORKING you see. So that makes planets away of difference. *taps finger on table*
You should know that the cracks in my heart began over a month earlier when he spends most of his nights out with this person who’s cracking down from life (although he never mentioned the reason for it, but I know) and various other groups of people that he rarely sees all on other rare days that happened to be scattered almost 6 nights out of 7 each week. Then I’m left with all housework and the kids (I really wish they would listen to me). They refuse and keep holding off to go to bed, or bathe, or get ready on time, or do homework… *eye rolls*
I managed to wash and dry laundry while the kids attended tuition. Folded and kept the clothes at home and ironed after midnight. Just like 5% left to complete, then he comes home. Didn’t say a thing. Neither did I.
We both in the end took our cigarette packs and smoked until we’ve both had enough with just me asking him if he had much to be done at work that day. He muffled response, then said, “I’m going to bed,” went in and sent me a text asking me bring in his cigarettes that he had left behind.
I slept on the sofa. That was the only space I had. All other kids were spread out on the bed. He didn’t make room for me.
Dear Capricorn Men,
You take people for granted so easily. I’m feeling it.
Just… Aih. Why do I bother? But if I don’t, it’ll left me hanging there alone by myself. I miss you. I need to feel I have you supporting me emotionally. Not just me.
I feel like I’m silently falling. Maybe you know it. But you’re too occupied to do anything about it. So please don’t ask if I go off and take care of my wounded heart myself. That’s what you love about me anyways. Independent. That’s why I’m taken for granted. Then you want to participate in my ‘ME’ life. Therefore I am secretive because I have the right to be.
You know what? I’m gonna throw myself back into work right now.