Subconsciously Down

Sitting on some gym equipment.

No idea why I’m telling you this. Maybe subconsciously trying to tell you I work out. Heh. doesn’t mean a thing.

I feel down. After many weeks of absence from from the gym, and a bit of workout I’m feeling down more than ever. I don’t know why. So I sit here, stalling myself for some f*cking reason as my mind closes and the hole in my heart opens wide.

Tears just flow sometimes. Not by the trigger of blunt emotion. They just… glide. So I embrace them.

I don’t know what to think of this. All of this. 

Can I not care about anyone right now?

Subconsciously Down

Loop in Loopy

On some days when I have my mommy moments or when I have this I-need-to-strangle-EVERYONE-in-the-office moments, it’s usually felt like something I could carry. But then again when I spill it onto him, it always seem to be pretty normal story.

What people don’t know about is what frazzled is – as in the true meaning of the word.

So I got frazzled mid day today. And I laid them down one by one much later on after my text to Ms Scorpionn:

My life, is a small percentage of a joke, right now. I will do my stand-up comic to you later okay.

Lists and lists of things I drafted out in point form. With sub-points. And ‘What Transpired’ with its own sub-points.

I have since shared that list entry in probably around 100 lines with him. My bet is he would say, “Mmmhmm”. But really, he hasn’t responded, just coz I don’t think he could brain it and sum as his wife (or any other wife in this world) to making things complicated. That’s an awesome thought, but yeah, NO.  It’s more to like, really, you can’t brain it.

In short, Grandma (my mom) has helped to send my girl to school 30 minutes before the school activity begins that the school’s guard called me coz she didn’t know where to go. Then we found out that we kinda lost her because Grandma said I didn’t mention what time her activity ends – until I called home asking to speak to Little Girl just to check if she got home on time as her afternoon session school will begin in a couple hours after.

So I had to call the school’s activity organiser, one person after the next. The school transporter back and forth. Then Grandma calling me back to check in how it’s going.

While at the same time…

I had to take some printing items from a local printer.  Brenda* is to bring them on her trip and she would be waiting in her car at the office for it. When I called the printer to check on progress, they said it’s being in the final stage. Then I dropped off Mandy* to the post office on the way there.

Unfortunately, the printer was not being direct with me, made me wait for more 40 minutes, not knowing that they were only rolling the items in their machine; while I had a hard time trying to gauge where Brenda was when she wasn’t responding to any of my calls/messages. So I tried calling EVERYONE ELSE – *crickets*. Yes, awesomely left me blur of what to do next. Then Mandy told she’s done and reminded me to pick her up later. And all of the ‘missing child’ happened.

Awesome.

We’re lucky that the school’s transporter was proactive and sent my niece (who was on the bus for morning session) looking for my daughter all over school. They found her, she came home. Everybody was happy.

Then Little Girl called me NOT TELL ME she got home safely, but… “Mom, you will be sending me to school later right? When are you getting me the gigantic paper card (manila card)? Can’t you get it from the shop on your way home to pick me up? I can’t do the face mask without it. How can I make one without the paper?” – I told her flatly to don’t make one and I’m not a stationery shop. Moreover, her teacher only informed the students the night before. How?

i-became-insane-with-long-intervals-of-horrible-sanity

Oh well. We stopped by the stationery shop on the way back to school.

#feelingmeh #suchintenseinsanity #awesomeloopy

So long someone who understands has laughed with me about it.

PS: I just cannot brain work anyhow now. They shall be left there as awesome as can be.

*Note: Name changed to something more awesome. (It seems I have no other word to use aside of awesome. Clearly I cannot brain anymore this evening.)

PS NOTE: Clearly he couldn’t brain. He just called me asked if Little Girl had and went for her school activity this morning. Men. No. Married men. Yes. 

Loop in Loopy

An INFJ who says NO

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I had been a submissive INFJ for the longest time. I grew up thinking that I shoulder the responsibility of all others – all their shortcomings and disappointments. All of the hollow traits they own. When the fault was never mine in the first place. Every other friend thought I was stupid to being selfless, not being able to ease the unrelated burden onto myself and hence on issues left unresolved at my end for years of guilt.

It was in 2009, that I answered Bob Green’s question on Oprah, why do I eat. My answer was, “Because I feel empty”. I felt so empty that I thought of death many times. Just thoughts. Nothing more.

This revelation of being empty on the inside bothered me. It began as a spiritual journey for a few days. Then I just broke down, and began forgiving everyone for their shortcomings, for the things I couldn’t change, and then, I forgave me. I set myself free. Such powerful thing. But it is also a viscous cycle. Because I realised that I was dependent on bullying to thrive. Such irony.

Throughout the years of self-wallowing, the stress has brought upon me hypertension with 3 transient ischemic attack (TIA) (stroke-like symptoms when blood flow to part of the brain stops for a short period of time). It has happened every 3 years since I was 32. I still didn’t know any better until the last one.

In 2013, the ugly happened. Left betrayed shutout rejected. But he was never that. Something made him be it. And I then was left divorced with 3 children. I asked myself why I had to have all this pain? Why was I still stuck? Why can’t people see what I see? Why can’t they feel what I feel? Why can’t they see their own flaw instead of focusing on mine?

Then I decided, I shouldn’t give two f*ucks about what other people think of me – and I got really pissed and drove myself out of it.

They aren’t the ones paying my loans and installments to the bank. They don’t feed me or the kids. They’re not the ones giving me money to make ends me or paying for fuel into my car to drive away with. And neither were they the ones buying the kids’ pajamas, milk, formula, putting them to sleep every night while making sure they are emotionally stable to grow up without their own internal issues. Right?

Why should I care about people who wants to tell me what to do, extend their own horror stories, hound me to know about what happened, and having to pacify them getting upset about MY whole situation; and then criticize my actions or the whole situation after that? Who gives you the right to decide that I have to sort out your issues, which are like a speck of my life, when I have all other living things to handle. And I need to live. To be free. To be able to live my life that I haven’t lived.  I have the right to refuse toxic. I need to sort out mine and live within my means. So please go and settle your constant need for attention elsewhere. I’m putting myself first.

This, allowed me freedom that embraced me as I embraced this fear to letting go. Letting go of letting go. Free falling. I learnt to say NO. I’ve always had boundary. Invisible boundary. But I learnt to make it known. It made me feel fearless. So come and embrace my cynicism, good intentions and respect. Respect me for I am human and don’t judge. But now, I do. For the greater good. So please just embrace me when I throw those cute one-liners to you, for being so over completely rude, insensitive and fake.

I am still ever thankful that I was gracious-ed with real friends. They brought me back to knowing my favourite colour, that I loved shoes, that I’m worth it, I deserve respect, I deserve self-respect and time to myself. I told myself that the next man has to be someone who embraces all that and appreciates it most to love me all entirely. He shall not change me, nor should I change myself for him.

Edited: Grammar spelling changes and further input in last 5 paragraphs. It was in haste when I first posted this.

An INFJ who says NO

Today is Friday

It’s at the end of the day and I’m knackered. With a need to do number 2.  And wash my mug. Clean up clutter on table. Below table. Behind chair. Keep coffee in pantry cupboard. Do number 2. Lock up boss’ door.

Well, I can’t even move. So does that mean going home will be in the next close to one hour later?

There’s an engagement tomorrow. A cousin’s engagement. Not my cousin. But close enough because she’s my husband’s cousin.

I just feel really burnt out right now. Haven’t had alone time. Or time to recharge. Or just coffee and appreciating smokes. Now I can even get to do number 2 in my brother’s bathroom anymore just because when I tried last night, it had a frog sitting opposite the toilet bowl staring to whomever would be sitting on it. Yes, and I had to be that superstitious to not want to be there. But my brother has instead tasked a fat cat to deal with the frog instead of finding other alternatives (as if there is any).

He later sent me a video of the cat was distracted by a backscratcher stick (I think) instead.

Okay. Bye.

Today is Friday