I had been a submissive INFJ for the longest time. I grew up thinking that I shoulder the responsibility of all others – all their shortcomings and disappointments. All of the hollow traits they own. When the fault was never mine in the first place. Every other friend thought I was stupid to being selfless, not being able to ease the unrelated burden onto myself and hence on issues left unresolved at my end for years of guilt.
It was in 2009, that I answered Bob Green’s question on Oprah, why do I eat. My answer was, “Because I feel empty”. I felt so empty that I thought of death many times. Just thoughts. Nothing more.
This revelation of being empty on the inside bothered me. It began as a spiritual journey for a few days. Then I just broke down, and began forgiving everyone for their shortcomings, for the things I couldn’t change, and then, I forgave me. I set myself free. Such powerful thing. But it is also a viscous cycle. Because I realised that I was dependent on bullying to thrive. Such irony.
Throughout the years of self-wallowing, the stress has brought upon me hypertension with 3 transient ischemic attack (TIA) (stroke-like symptoms when blood flow to part of the brain stops for a short period of time). It has happened every 3 years since I was 32. I still didn’t know any better until the last one.
In 2013, the ugly happened. Left betrayed shutout rejected. But he was never that. Something made him be it. And I then was left divorced with 3 children. I asked myself why I had to have all this pain? Why was I still stuck? Why can’t people see what I see? Why can’t they feel what I feel? Why can’t they see their own flaw instead of focusing on mine?
Then I decided, I shouldn’t give two f*ucks about what other people think of me – and I got really pissed and drove myself out of it.
They aren’t the ones paying my loans and installments to the bank. They don’t feed me or the kids. They’re not the ones giving me money to make ends me or paying for fuel into my car to drive away with. And neither were they the ones buying the kids’ pajamas, milk, formula, putting them to sleep every night while making sure they are emotionally stable to grow up without their own internal issues. Right?
Why should I care about people who wants to tell me what to do, extend their own horror stories, hound me to know about what happened, and having to pacify them getting upset about MY whole situation; and then criticize my actions or the whole situation after that? Who gives you the right to decide that I have to sort out your issues, which are like a speck of my life, when I have all other living things to handle. And I need to live. To be free. To be able to live my life that I haven’t lived. I have the right to refuse toxic. I need to sort out mine and live within my means. So please go and settle your constant need for attention elsewhere. I’m putting myself first.
This, allowed me freedom that embraced me as I embraced this fear to letting go. Letting go of letting go. Free falling. I learnt to say NO. I’ve always had boundary. Invisible boundary. But I learnt to make it known. It made me feel fearless. So come and embrace my cynicism, good intentions and respect. Respect me for I am human and don’t judge. But now, I do. For the greater good. So please just embrace me when I throw those cute one-liners to you, for being so over completely rude, insensitive and fake.
I am still ever thankful that I was gracious-ed with real friends. They brought me back to knowing my favourite colour, that I loved shoes, that I’m worth it, I deserve respect, I deserve self-respect and time to myself. I told myself that the next man has to be someone who embraces all that and appreciates it most to love me all entirely. He shall not change me, nor should I change myself for him.
Edited: Grammar spelling changes and further input in last 5 paragraphs. It was in haste when I first posted this.