Last Confession for 2016

Confession: I haven’t been compliant with my hypertension pills. 

So I have this headache that I’m tick-tocking to take. Then I go all loopy with sudden weeping period and sappy entries into forums that make me seem all together, NOT together! I failed myself to my own standard of failure. Haih.

I am also in love with an actor right now. I feel like a cougar – he is clearly 12 years younger than I am. He is also clearly happily married with a baby girl. But I stalk his pages anyhow. Just like I did with Gary Barlow, and Bradley Cooper. And sometimes memes of Mr Chow hahahaha. Oh well, they make me happy.

Picking up the pieces and sluggishness of the recent week right now. I had fallen into my worst self-prey of second guessing if I am Bipolar. And if I am I really numb. Or have a lost my sensual drives where it seems stagnant at P (Park) – not even N (Neutral). Well, that until someone fiddles with my nipples hahahaha. Okay, crap – my period came after 52 days. Like, it came big time!

Damn PMS. My period cycle, I’ve set it at 45-day cycle. Then I had the on off aches, sensitive nips, drowsiness etc setting my mind that I’m just being dramatic and over doing the attempts of getting spousal attention. All the aches whole set came and went 2-3 times. Then of course, each time I’m near to getting some falling of eggs, I feel like I’m dying and completely began inwardly telling everyone goodbye. But of course it was delayed even more.

I took matters in my own hands. I downed pomegranate juice, traditional herbs and spices, all the hot and spicy ramens and chilies. Nada. Nothing. All I had was a bunch of pimples sprawling from my chin all over to the bottom of my scalp. I was fat. I was down and with aches. And then finally the period came 15 days later – on the day my husband is back from out of town. Meh. But it was much that I felt wasted. Full front to back, 5 times changing of extra long night time heavy flow with wings sanitary napkins for 3 days. Wow. That was a mouthful.

From considering self is with bipolar yesterday, I am picking up the beat today. But yesterday was so bad that my BFF had to come on a SOS alarm on me. She was right to come. She saved me from me attempting to drown myself in a pool of nonsensical notion. Don’t ask me why because I keep asking myself that question too many times in a day. I am after all, INFJ. (And I’m glad that that is considered the norm for the MBTI!)

I hope this upward feeling will stay.

Have a nice weekend.

And Happy New Year.

PS: Since 2016 was crappy enough, let’s all pray the best for everyone and the end all wars in 2017 onward.

 

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Door Slam

I was going through Door Slam with a friend.

Today in the shower, I was reminded of once in 2013, someone said to me:

“You’re like… You know how when children are scolded, they get all upset and start yelling back at you? But you’re not like that. You’re the one who slams the door in my face.”

It was only 2016 that I find out a validation for the Door Slam term.

I had every right to. I was driven.

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This Rant

My headaches have been overwhelming. I don’t know if it’s the skipping of BP pills (yes, I know), PMS or just simply inner tremors of stress.

Headphones are safely tucked in my ears and Train moves me with Marry Me. This melancholy feeling. Although it is at the edges of crying for no reason. I am just sad and perhaps, frustrated. Angry with self. Just fed up with whatever that I have right now.

The property is rising and no low costs housing is being built. Even if so, the space gets smaller. I would only be able to afford something that would probably fit us 10 years ago. So we will remain staying with my parents. Where the ceiling of our bedroom is leaking into new place as the rainy season sets in. Not counting the leaking and over dripping air conditioning. The lack of space. The feeling of not having the will to move forward.

Today would be the 5th day of me without a car. Psychologically it makes me feel lack of space. That my movement is restricted. More so of lack of space. Never even crossed my mind about going to the gym. The thought never appeared in my brain. My brain feels lonely. I want to go karaoke but going alone to have a room of my own is too expensive to indulge in. I may as well get myself something nice to wear or eat.

Just when I feel, is anybody really listening? Avril answers, I’m with you. Really?  But yeah Avril, come take me home.

It is meant to be that this year:

  1. Not having a year-end holiday.
  2. Not having much time with each other.
  3. He works weekdays and weekends since June. But people don’t understand that when we ‘date’ to the supermarket, means we don’t have the time or emotional space to spare for you. Much even more so for your tantrums or to even invite you to join us in our time. But what do they care, right?
  4. Not having real birthday celebrations all year round.
  5. Will not be getting good bonuses as the economy falls for us.
  6. Have not prepared the kids for school items yet. School reopens in a month. The sick rush when everyone else gets bonus and tramples onward to the same place at the same time.
  7. My leave will be utilised to cleaning up spaces as members of the household continue to clutter and tells us that we clutter or have not done anything to benefit the home.

I cannot continue on with this sucky feeling. But I am sure I can find some things to sell as Pre-Loved. I just don’t have the drive. And asking myself silently, why do I have to this by myself.

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This is me bearing myself. I feel like hiding in the corner of a dark storeroom with its door closed while typing all this out.

I have by now retreated to YouTube-ing on my mobile phone that I wish it is an iPhone. Not asking for much. Only a 64GB Rose Gold iPhone 6S Plus. (Just shows so much how priorities get set soooo wrong).