My headaches have been overwhelming. I don’t know if it’s the skipping of BP pills (yes, I know), PMS or just simply inner tremors of stress.
Headphones are safely tucked in my ears and Train moves me with Marry Me. This melancholy feeling. Although it is at the edges of crying for no reason. I am just sad and perhaps, frustrated. Angry with self. Just fed up with whatever that I have right now.
The property is rising and no low costs housing is being built. Even if so, the space gets smaller. I would only be able to afford something that would probably fit us 10 years ago. So we will remain staying with my parents. Where the ceiling of our bedroom is leaking into new place as the rainy season sets in. Not counting the leaking and over dripping air conditioning. The lack of space. The feeling of not having the will to move forward.
Today would be the 5th day of me without a car. Psychologically it makes me feel lack of space. That my movement is restricted. More so of lack of space. Never even crossed my mind about going to the gym. The thought never appeared in my brain. My brain feels lonely. I want to go karaoke but going alone to have a room of my own is too expensive to indulge in. I may as well get myself something nice to wear or eat.
Just when I feel, is anybody really listening? Avril answers, I’m with you. Really? But yeah Avril, come take me home.
It is meant to be that this year:
- Not having a year-end holiday.
- Not having much time with each other.
- He works weekdays and weekends since June. But people don’t understand that when we ‘date’ to the supermarket, means we don’t have the time or emotional space to spare for you. Much even more so for your tantrums or to even invite you to join us in our time. But what do they care, right?
- Not having real birthday celebrations all year round.
- Will not be getting good bonuses as the economy falls for us.
- Have not prepared the kids for school items yet. School reopens in a month. The sick rush when everyone else gets bonus and tramples onward to the same place at the same time.
- My leave will be utilised to cleaning up spaces as members of the household continue to clutter and tells us that we clutter or have not done anything to benefit the home.
I cannot continue on with this sucky feeling. But I am sure I can find some things to sell as Pre-Loved. I just don’t have the drive. And asking myself silently, why do I have to this by myself.
This is me bearing myself. I feel like hiding in the corner of a dark storeroom with its door closed while typing all this out.
I have by now retreated to YouTube-ing on my mobile phone that I wish it is an iPhone. Not asking for much. Only a 64GB Rose Gold iPhone 6S Plus. (Just shows so much how priorities get set soooo wrong).