I am going to randomise things I have come across today:
- This untranslatable emotions into English word:
- Natsukashii (Japanese) – a nostalgic longing for the past, with happiness for the fond memory, yet sadness that it is no longer
- This gif is so psychedelic that it makes me happy – then, to see Snape happy:
- Now I feel sad for Snape’s unrequited love for Harry’s mom, Lily. He is really pure of heart. The will to protect others. Oh great, now I feel sad.
- I need to finish some impending tasks that are like a few submissions that will take a process. But I’m also trying to manage something for myself. Just because I’m feeling fat and flabby. My finger parts are swelling from water retention. I have a feeling my period will be here soon.
- But I’m still doing this.
Nothing more. For now.
I will be very random with my thoughts right now. Strategizing my brain into a better living space.
- I really cannot get along with Leo men in their 40s. Well, actually I cannot get along with them, period – unless if they’re younger. It makes so much of difference to me. If they are any older than I am, they are a bunch of Simbas – higher than thou – and it irritates the heck out of me.
- Fact: I am the only Virgo in a family of 3 Leo siblings, with 1 Leo child.
- Having a silent laugh over some manipulation I tried on the family getting everyone to carry out their religious responsibility. I’m still laughing internally. At least I have some colour on my face today. MadScorpionn will love me for it. I just texted her and she’s laughing with me all the way to the LaughingBank.
- For some dance group that is badly planned, it makes me feel disheartened because this dance group should be training the children on a fixed schedule on techniques at state level. This means, NOT making them dance for 3 hours the night before the next day performance in a place 1-2 hours away. I’m just saying. They are students, not your PAID dancers.
- I have enveloped my stomach into eating much emotion that even when my stomach cannot take in anymore, I will still push food in. I don’t know why I do this to myself. And now I’m super super super sleepy. This would be the most appropriate emoji. Yes. Befittingly accurate. Sounds so bombastic. Bombarded stomach. Ich.
- I need hot black coffee.
- Went out for lunch and had this huge band wave of inner chest giggles for me over something good done badly in full manipulation (refer no.3) that I shared with Ms Brown. But she really laughed. Total validation for me. But she is aware that my spirit is broken. I’m at the level where I don’t feel like doing anything for myself. All I want to do is sleep day in, day out.
- I’m just angry sad. Mostly disappointed. I’ve lost drive. Lost the drive to drive myself. And if I’ve lost it, how can I drive anyone else? So now the kids take care of me instead of the other way round. Pity them having to learn so early but we are all so lucky that they have high EQ.
- I need to pray. I need to go home. I need to get my cigarettes. I need. I need to withdraw money as well. Oh my. I had forgotten about that.
Going through this list again, for point no.1, I’m really sorry. I grew up with 3 Leos and couldn’t relate/understand them. Not until I reached 38 that I finally decided to, “You know what, f**k this sh*t.” They always tell me to take out the stick out of my ass anyway, “Coz you’re a Virgo and you’re so rigid and you suck with your orderly lists…”
Hey, you’re lucky you only have 1 Virgo unlike me being stuck with you 3 lazy beings there. How far should I extend my duties for you? No? *crickets* No answer, like really? *crickets*
The weekend is here. And I really need to poop. At home. With cigarettes. Which I don’t have. And short of cash to buy. So, I’d need to withdraw some money first, get the cigarettes and then find myself a toilet. At home.
Had a dream that is not so strange, but it defines what I am going through right now. Emotional struggle. Procrastination. Moving forward. Getting out of the zone. Finding self back in the zone. A struggle. A real struggle.
Please help pray that I will get through this. All for the good of me and mankind.
If only they know how hurt I am.
Footnote: It isn’t mine.
Money and attitude.
Grateful and ungrateful.
With or without intention.
Nevertheless, I am disappointed.
I am also hurt.
But who am I in the first place for you?
Go on and disappear as you do, always.
While you expect me to sit back and wait for you to reappear.
When all I ask of you is simply just you.