Breathing Space

When you lose sight of yourself in the paper cuts at work. And return home to face the real reality of your colourful life. Then finding the balance of relationships between conversations, arguments and laughter with your spouse, children, parents, family, in-laws, friends, coworkers. The trying of keeping sane while maintaining a personality.

Keep calm and take a deep breath.

Sometime you will get through it, sometimes you will fail. On some days you try harder, some days you don’t try at all. You somehow know you are needed. Sometimes you don’t want to think about it. Soon enough one day, you will realise that the world revolves around you. The center of universe is YOU. That is how much you are worth – all the planets, moons and stars; with everything in between.

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It is okay to feel broken. It is okay to take a break. You deserve some space and privacy. Go on, do what you must. Please just don’t lose it. Try hard to not lose sight of yourself. Because that you the most important person of all. It’ll be a shame not knowing who you are.

Work hard. Party hard. Love thyself hard.

Dear Self,

You are important and is the my Center of the universe.

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Jiggle

via Daily Prompt: Jiggle

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I haven’t had a quality time with my husband lately. His life is hectic and filled with new discoveries of football game in open field, futsal, hiking, getting the team’s uniform and the list goes on.

And on the other hand, his wife, moi, wrestles with a preteen, and two younger ones. It feels lonely fighting battles with the kids, driving around with/or without direction, and tiring enough just having to get yourself to the ATM constantly to spend money that you don’t really have to help keep them distracted. I try to grasp survival, like Jane would do when Tarzan is out hunting.

The latest activity – a 4WD off-road forest trail, 3 hours away from home. It was planned as a 1-niter, but became 2-nights when his brother texted, “Be ready by 11PM,” on Friday night instead of leaving on Saturday morning. We just had to get along with it, so I waved him off a few hours after that and slept over it.

However, when I thought I was ready to lead life without him over a weekend, I woke up with “It’s unfair,” bubble over my head. Like Garfield, only less orange. But I couldn’t say it in his face. He wasn’t there. He was in some dense jungle looking forward to have a 10km drive over rocks to get to a waterfall. No use for me to stay with that unfairness, so I bundled up the kids to look for the surprise party decoration due that night for his mom.

On Sunday, he managed to text me saying he’ll be home around 3:00pm. I was fine and had plans for myself that I failed doing like, vacuuming, cleaning up the room, scrubbing the bathroom light pink again – ended up half naked in front of the TV watching home improvement shows for hours with a packet full of sunflower seeds to crack. I knew I was hiding something from myself. This procrastination. This clamming up. This feeling of hurt. So simply, I wasn’t sure of my own feelings. I felt jealous of his new adventures/activities he has for himself. I missed him. I wanted to be held. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I was also sad. I was lonely. I felt fat and all of that. Everything felt wrong.

Then he arrives. I immediately froze – mentally blocked and dismissing heart. This went for the entire day until it was night. I put myself last in bed and was first to get up. Just so emotionless, blocked. I know he kind of know it, that something is wrong, that I’m being sensitive. He let me be. He refrained himself from talking about the trip unless spoken to, or sharing additional photos or videos with me. Somehow it made me like I’m not worth his interest to share with. I dismissed everything – so I was dismissive mode, ON. Things could be worse if I overthink everything. There were already enough silent vibes and conversations going on in my head.

So this morning, I prepared breakfast and drove the kids to school. Took time to farm and harvest Farmville2 before bringing myself upstairs to get ready for the office. I avoided eye contact and became a disgruntled woman before shower. While in the shower, my brain went into hyper-drive.

Bothered.

Dismiss.

Bothered.

Dismiss.

Bothered.

Dismiss.

Got out of the shower, began dressing myself and looking for the little stuffs that I don’t want to forget this morning. He then caught me off guard. He came to hold me, and kisses me over my checks, forehead and lips. He held me close and hugged me. My eyes leaked. He didn’t see it. My eyes continued leaking without making a sound. He leaves. I felt relief, I was identified.

I still struggle to identify my own feelings. I continue to learn that I can still feel like a hurt little girl at the age of 41. We keep guard up to protect ourselves from hurt. Love can be hurtful. More when it’s self-inflicted. We won’t enjoy love if we keep building the wall thicker. But hacking the wall away opens a flood gate of fear, self-security and discomfort. Be it married, long-term relationship, dating or friendship it is all the same. Because you need trust to be fearful. Either trust yourself, or allow yourself to accept that hand asking you to trust them.

Yes, without much to say, he managed to acknowledge that I was hurt and sensitive in words I couldn’t even paint out with one hug and make it jiggle back into shape. And jiggle as it may to keep me feeling light and frothy to get me through the day.

The Virtue

I have been charged by the energy of an angel.

This unicorn is touched very much that she has since motivated herself to do good. It has been quite some time since life had floundered herself in tireless fogginess and upsettingly confusing energy waves. But this recent weekend has met her with someone so jaded that little words, language barrier, flowed like they have known each other centuries ago.

I have not felt this yearning of self-appreciation for a long time. The one that feels to sincere to help myself. So I am thanking God for making realizations and understanding in depths that is filled with light easy for me.

Funny how some certain things make you cry.

This person made me cry so many times. That is what truthfulness and sincerity does. It touches you to the core that you never knew existed.

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From the heart of an INFJ.

#mehfriyay

I sent a postcard to myself.

procrastination

Okay. So I lied.

I have not done anything great today. No movement whatsoever. My southern region is cramping. Partially I feel crap. And I had been yawning so so so many times this morning.

Sh!t. I forgot to eat my HBP medication.

Double Sh!t. It’s close to lunch break now and I still haven’t started on the proposal I’m supposed to write. Instead, I’ve changed this website’s layout for the hundredth time. Just because I felt like it.

#feelingmeh

IN the FJ

In the clutter of sound in this Japanese restaurant, I really feel out of place. Reminded of this feeling when I wasn’t included in a conversation. Or the time when I felt rejected at a wedding this afternoon.

Funny how when you so much hate to get to an event, you actually want acknowledgement that you exist. 

Pissed and wiped out at the same time.

What’s my fuck in problem?