I haven’t had a quality time with my husband lately. His life is hectic and filled with new discoveries of football game in open field, futsal, hiking, getting the team’s uniform and the list goes on.
And on the other hand, his wife, moi, wrestles with a preteen, and two younger ones. It feels lonely fighting battles with the kids, driving around with/or without direction, and tiring enough just having to get yourself to the ATM constantly to spend money that you don’t really have to help keep them distracted. I try to grasp survival, like Jane would do when Tarzan is out hunting.
The latest activity – a 4WD off-road forest trail, 3 hours away from home. It was planned as a 1-niter, but became 2-nights when his brother texted, “Be ready by 11PM,” on Friday night instead of leaving on Saturday morning. We just had to get along with it, so I waved him off a few hours after that and slept over it.
However, when I thought I was ready to lead life without him over a weekend, I woke up with “It’s unfair,” bubble over my head. Like Garfield, only less orange. But I couldn’t say it in his face. He wasn’t there. He was in some dense jungle looking forward to have a 10km drive over rocks to get to a waterfall. No use for me to stay with that unfairness, so I bundled up the kids to look for the surprise party decoration due that night for his mom.
On Sunday, he managed to text me saying he’ll be home around 3:00pm. I was fine and had plans for myself that I failed doing like, vacuuming, cleaning up the room, scrubbing the bathroom light pink again – ended up half naked in front of the TV watching home improvement shows for hours with a packet full of sunflower seeds to crack. I knew I was hiding something from myself. This procrastination. This clamming up. This feeling of hurt. So simply, I wasn’t sure of my own feelings. I felt jealous of his new adventures/activities he has for himself. I missed him. I wanted to be held. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I was also sad. I was lonely. I felt fat and all of that. Everything felt wrong.
Then he arrives. I immediately froze – mentally blocked and dismissing heart. This went for the entire day until it was night. I put myself last in bed and was first to get up. Just so emotionless, blocked. I know he kind of know it, that something is wrong, that I’m being sensitive. He let me be. He refrained himself from talking about the trip unless spoken to, or sharing additional photos or videos with me. Somehow it made me like I’m not worth his interest to share with. I dismissed everything – so I was dismissive mode, ON. Things could be worse if I overthink everything. There were already enough silent vibes and conversations going on in my head.
So this morning, I prepared breakfast and drove the kids to school. Took time to farm and harvest Farmville2 before bringing myself upstairs to get ready for the office. I avoided eye contact and became a disgruntled woman before shower. While in the shower, my brain went into hyper-drive.
Got out of the shower, began dressing myself and looking for the little stuffs that I don’t want to forget this morning. He then caught me off guard. He came to hold me, and kisses me over my checks, forehead and lips. He held me close and hugged me. My eyes leaked. He didn’t see it. My eyes continued leaking without making a sound. He leaves. I felt relief, I was identified.
I still struggle to identify my own feelings. I continue to learn that I can still feel like a hurt little girl at the age of 41. We keep guard up to protect ourselves from hurt. Love can be hurtful. More when it’s self-inflicted. We won’t enjoy love if we keep building the wall thicker. But hacking the wall away opens a flood gate of fear, self-security and discomfort. Be it married, long-term relationship, dating or friendship it is all the same. Because you need trust to be fearful. Either trust yourself, or allow yourself to accept that hand asking you to trust them.
Yes, without much to say, he managed to acknowledge that I was hurt and sensitive in words I couldn’t even paint out with one hug and make it jiggle back into shape. And jiggle as it may to keep me feeling light and frothy to get me through the day.