Her Consistency

When I get home, she will taunt me. She will do in her will to try and get my attention. I would be zoned out, on the sofa with eyes flipping backwards and forwards. Her thoughts and words prancing all over me. She is only 8, but sometimes her words and actions just flip me inside out.

Me: What are you doing? Just. Sit. Still. Please.

Her: But I wanna watch the TV. Just not this channel. Can I have the remote, Mom?

Me: No. I don’t get to watch TV and I want to watch this.

Her: But I haven’t watched anything today. And I’ve got this nice show on, Mom. (Flips channel)

Me: (Flips back to original channel)

Her: Did you know that someone hid the remote while you were at work today? I don’t know why, who did it. I mean, why does anyone need to hide the remote anyway. (Flips channel)

Me: Honey, YOU always like hiding the TV remote. (Flips to original channel)

She slowly paces and then…

Her: Mommy, Mommy come look at me do this (Flips, rolls and jumps from the across the room onto the bed)

Then she silently leaves… with my phone… half way down or up to somewhere.

She is like this even more when I’m zoned out dry. Like, when I feel like curling up and grow myself a shell on my back, she would just come popping even more to physically stir me. The kind of wake up that, is beyond – she really wants my mind to be awake. There has been days when I just can’t respond to anything, with this tendency for being down. That’s when she’ll be really consistent to snap me out of it. She saves me.

Just as how I’m able to comfort her when her nerves get the best of her during air travel, on the boat over the sea; being able to push her shyness with dance classes, martial arts and swimming. I want her equipped and safe for her future.

At the age of 8, she is able to sort herself out from own time management to transportation when I’m unable to send her or brain-process something. She really is something else. My little band of Adventure Time. My Princess Bubblegum, my Marceline.

Like this morning while I was getting ready for work:

Her: Mom, are you wearing that?

Me: Yeah.

Her: Are you sure?

Me: (Looks at mirror. Scans self up down.) Do I need to change?

Her: (Nodding)

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ME: (This face)

Her: (Head shake) It doesn’t go.

Me: (Pulls out something else) This?

Her: This purple one looks better on you.

She loves purple. I didn’t feel like the colours worked together, but my judgement is always wrong when it comes with clothes, for myself – yes, for myself – why? It makes shopping for me feel so good that ends me up as a fashion disaster having everyone else shaking their heads when I wear them.

I truly know this symbiosis is our one of a kind. She is meant for me, just as I am meant for her. We’re just, cute. And we have 14 cats. We’re purrfect and catstatic.

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At Least It Wasn’t the Actual Hell

It hasn’t been an ordinary week for me. In fact, it has been a tough week. From current emotional issues to backtracking into the past and flashbacks. Oh the flashbacks and flashbacks that comes with the feel so sporadically.

Some how these flashbacks come to me placing themselves into dates, phone calls, conversations, dreams and tragedies at sporadic times. Amazingly often synchronizing themselves intensely when I’m about to sleep. Running through what really happened, how it felt like, how it ended. I got through them, yes. The whole damn thing. And it hurt like hell. Well, literally speaking, hell would actually be worse than all that. LOL.

Grateful, yes; that it hurt like but wasn’t actually hell (LOL). I had to thrive and dive into it without a choice. I have chosen and decisions were made.  I don’t wonder, but I sometimes feel amazed how I look past everything to see that one sphere of innocence, and then embrace to forgive. It was easier to forgive others because forgiving myself was a greater feat. It always is, for me.

I need to thrive with the Myself – right now. For any regrets I have now, like not going to the gym or attempting to take care of myself and my health better for myself, is something I need to deal with – right now. Live in the present, not in the past.

So I put the memories into the Dwelling Bucket, and lunge it down gently into the river. I slowly see them drift from vivid colours to clarity. Because it is only with untainted water that you can wash your heart to plant and then reap something that will surprise you.

Trust me, to forgive is create your own inner peace.

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She should stop lying to herself. Really.

She tells herself she will want time out. Had a great plan of gym for the entire week, just for herself. Hell yeah, she will burn all fats and get down to L size in 5 days. She’ll show them all!

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But all she’s left is with her symptomatic self.

Sigh.

The Daily Post Prompts | Symptom

I’m Here. Period.

There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone.

There is a difference with seeking attention and giving attention.

There is a difference with emotional support and physical support.

What gives when one provides and receives at minimal ground of the relationship’s understanding? I often feel blundered by this chaos. It’s the brain fog that takes time for you to navigate. Everything seems to be disoriented especially if you navigate best using your emotions.

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Stop caring to protect your heart.

Shield self from externalness because of what hurt it may cause.

Because disappointment hurts. Even more so when you are a feeler, a healer and an empath overall without space. Such irony to be all that in this position.

It really reminds me of grumpy men who fought war and left lonely at old age. That’s how they got there. They have so much love to give. But they are also so fearful to hurt from all despair ever again. Make them feel that they matter. It goes beyond minimal effort to build a relationship with them, what more to maintain your other built relationships.

Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to deliver. Even more to maintain and improve the other things that you have. But you need to try or your garden will die.

Mindfully Me

I am an INFJ: Introverted, observant, direct and non-tactful/non-diplomatic sometimes (most of the time), moody, patient and impatient, mindfully funny but doesn’t laugh when someone else tells a joke unless it’s Richard Pryor, life counselor, listener, always giving you chances and understanding for self-improvement. Tough love, dismissive, sincere with a loyal being. I am walking contradiction.

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Sorry, not sorry for being a walking contradiction. I am my own worst critic.

However, if you botch up your sincerity, hijack, manipulate and lie, you only deserve to be on the other side of the door. #doorslam

~   Just because you brought it onto yourself.

~  Seriously, when that happens, I don’t really care what label your mindf*ck tells you to call me.

~  Although ironically, I will [mindf*ck] you if you ever do so tarnish and humiliate me in public – ironically, because it’s enough minf*cking that I mindf*ck myself every minute of the day. (Okay. I actually just like saying the word mindf*ck. Haha.)