Internally Feeling

There is an upcoming wedding and I have nothing to wear from the weight that I have gained from waiting for my uterus to bleed. Yes, it has not been timely. The period.

It took 74 days to bleed. The water retention has caused an extra 3 kilos on the scale. And now, I still have 2 kilos extra looking back at me in the mirror. Yet at the same time, I am altogether about 15 kilos more than my ideal weight. It feels so bad that I’m snuggling into UK14 when UK12 was so comfortable before. What have I done to myself? Moreover it gets harder to shed weight when you hit 40.

We spoke of exercise. I did only for one day. A measly 30 minute walk on the treadmill. No drive to get myself to the gym when it used to be so easy. Silently I know I’m feeling down with something. I still can’t figure out what it is. Silly to think that I’m down with self disappointment with this size. This is the biggest that I’ve been. At this same weight, I was full term carrying my third child 8 years ago. 

Constantly tired. But I’ve managed to straightened myself out at work to gain focus and shed out procrastination. More engaged now and I’m happy to leave my desk clean. 

Perhaps I need space. I live with my parents and occupy two rooms, sharing everything with 3 kids and a husband. I can’t bear the clutter but I don’t try hard enough to keep it all together. Nicer to spend my time some place else in parts of the house.

By this end of the post I realize it now. It’s space that I need. With the many bills to pay and other commitments. The lateness of paycheck to clear the endless statements. We really haven’t gone anywhere with the crazy schedule he has as well as the no budget for us.

However it is I am blessed. I still have a roof over my head and food to eat. A car to travel and I have a job. 

I just need a holiday. And this wedding 6 hours drive away, isn’t one. It’s a big family commitment where all other families to attend celebrating his cousin and her soon to be husband’s marriage.

Please pray that I’ll be able to keep myself together throughout the trip. Just because… I might breakdown and cry. 


Author: momsthetruth

Struggling INFJ living in broad daylight and pretends she sleeps through the day like a vampire but knows nothing about Twilight, aside of that hairy beast thing that changes when the girl he can't have does something that can get herself killed.

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