Thoughts of the Day

I feel old. I’m tired when I get depressed. 

My medication for high blood pressure is there to be maintained. Then my stomach gets so uncomfortable for this menstruation that the doctor wants me to add another pill. She said I’ve got gastricky now with the thinning of my stomach lining, because of the pills I have to take to control the blood pressure.

I’ve had 3 episodes of TIA since the age of 32. It was in 2014 (the 3rd episode) that I got to the hospital for a thorough checkup. I didn’t know head and tail for the first two. So because of 3 episodes, I have to take anticoagulant that’s thinning my stomach lining. And now I’ve been told to take renitidine to help it.

I found a reminder on my FB time line today. An excerpt of what to read when depressed. About how God creates day and night, He never abandons you even when you feel or forgotten about Him. I thank you Him for this reminder.

To tell you how bad my expenses had been for the past few weeks with only $2.50 in hand. I receive food from others without asking. I’m still fed. I’m still given attention. I’m still surrounded by those who love me unconditionally. 

God isn’t cruel. He gives what you need without you asking. It is up to you to choose whether to see or not, to be thankful and grateful for it. 

Thank you for all the good You have brought for me. I am ashamed to have forgotten that I’m able to speak to You at all times. I struggle because You know I’m able to carry this burden. And with the strength that you give me, I’m able to help others.

I want to be able to socialise again but it’s tiring. I hate stupid questions or aimless chatter. And I know spending much time blogging in the office because my mind is messed up, has affected my work quality. But the irony is when I blog, it picks me up on the inside.

So I will do myself a favour. To reorganise myself again and only blog when the time is appropriate.

Now I feel the acid in my stomach slowly churning. It wasn’t felt the entire day, just like bruising in the stomach – nothing acidic. 

Plainly all written at the top of my head. I want to be off all meds! But… hohum. To be figured out soon. 

Bye. 

Slowly, It Will Be Sunny

I had been low for the past few weeks. Found it hard to speak because I was internally questioning myself why, how, what, when and where. I demanded an answer from myself. I also demanded to know why too many times. But alas, being low is not sadness. Being low most of the time is being depressed. It was deeper than I allowed to show here.

So I reached out at an online forum. No one responded within the first hour. I thought of deleting the post because it made me feel bad. But I didn’t. Then someone did and helped to change me. Anon said, the post was the first step to show that I was reaching out for help. And I should proceed with talking to friends, writing or recording self talking and deleting it immediately to avoid misuse.

Truthfully, I wasn’t talking to anyone. I couldn’t talk even to my spouse. I couldn’t connect. I didn’t know how to talk about it. I couldn’t verbalize. I didn’t know where to begin. No one was physically available for me. Asking people out on the pretext of asking someone out for coffee is also unkind when all I would want to talk about is to unravel me. I know there are family available but it didn’t feel fit. It had to be someone neutral. And everyone was busy. Or I felt like I was being intrusive to their lives. Or that I was burdensome.

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After the post, I reached out to two close friends. Both approached on different subjects. Both approached on the same night. I was so close to calling a help line. Kept biding time. Tried to message the friends first. Where they came to listen what was riding me. They helped to relieve my heart. I could finally breathe.

Spent the next two days with bad headache. I thought it was me making myself physically ill because sometimes it happens.

Then my MIL pulled a bit of drama when she tried to coax everyone to get to her house by preparing sushi for breakfast at 8.30 in the morning. When DH responded that he couldn’t go over as he has a work schedule that just started to intensively be at site for 2 weeks, she said that he was constantly over at my mom’s house and never even tried to visit her. We live in my mom’s house. Of course he has to be there – he lives there. So everyone else immediately scrambled and parked their kids there, showed their faces; but apparently she wasn’t even in the house. I wasn’t even going to try with the heat and the headache.

Yesterday was a public holiday. My SIL1 had a birthday party for her son at a restaurant. I went with the kids and this heavy throbbing head. Found myself a table and sat alone. I didn’t want to mingle with the others as only SIL4 and BIL4 was there. BIL4 is the one who uses my car and hasn’t paid for 20 months. It just felt personal and invasion of my space, really. My aura showed I suppose. He stayed away.

Come sitting with me was other SIL3 and BIL3. Suddenly she chirped, “Isn’t that your DH?” And then she said, “Wow, look at that glow on your face! You were so timid sitting here alone and just exploded with glow when you heard he’s here!” I looked down to my feet and blushed. I can be such a little girl. He had been covering the day and night shift at site. I missed him. Apparently. Then he said, “Oh, I just decided to come because I was hungry”.

Then arrived MIL and FIL. Putting up a show, the face kisses affection in front of the public. I remained where I was throughout the party. DH has proceeded outside to chit chat with some friends. The kids were prancing everywhere else. The Parents-in-Law sat with MIL’s sister and spouse. I didn’t acknowledge them. And so she showed her dislike when she slowly went past me and when off quietly. I don’t give a f*ck, although I know it in my heart that it would be a challenge to rectify later on, especially when I try doing it on my own.

I am without a headache today. I menstruated this morning.

Sent the boys to school. Unsteady by X Ambassadors played and I started to sing with it. Just for me to be able to shout myself. Then suddenly it was me calling God not to leave me. Because I was still having Daddy issues at 40, and my mom is tired still trying at her age now. I bawled. It was the painful ugly cry. All the way up the hill to where I live. Into the driveway hoping no one would see. But someone could’ve seen; my mom was right there on the porch. I stopped. Although it was stunted, I felt relief.

This depression sucks. It’s just this dull spot in your head that completely drones with this gray cloud in your head.

I really don’t know about the head and tail I’m talking about in this post. It’s just everything in everywhere. A whole damn mess of my head that I’ve hoarded for so long. I’m just taking everything out as I go. I’m kind of sorry for you reading this. Lol. At least now I’m snickering. That’s funny enough for an INFJ. Lol.

Okay, it’s just time for some sunlight to come through.

 

Glides and Glimmer

I am a small fry

Smaller that you think I think of my self

You can see me clear sometimes, this invisible me

Disappearing in the background of stories onto walls and gardens

Hijacking the breeze, the scents, the touch

Glides and glimmer of feel and observation

If only you know how I really feel

If only I can tell you

But words themselves disappear with me, for I can only