As my first marriage crumbled, I lost sight of who I was. Losing a marriage is never about you alone. It breaks you for you to find your own definition.
Ying Ying: Losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found – and cherished.
– The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
New life was filtered layer by layer. You will learn who your real friends are, the ones worth keeping; and discarding the ones who choose to weaken, harm and destroy you. You will learn that ‘no mercy’ is necessary for yourself. I shutdown pointless relationships and found that people were more interested in finding out what happened. In the end, it was I whom had to relieve their disappointments to my ended marriage. Sad.
Ms Rock held me close to her heart. She brought me out shopping even when I had little money to spend on. We spent hours with coffee and endless conversations. We played free makeup at Sephora and tried on random clothes and shoes that we didn’t have to buy. She helped to make me feel like a little girl again. It’s like hopping onto the pedestrian crossing’s white lines only, leaving painted hand prints all over the walls of wherever I was and getting high over cotton candy and ice cream in the wide open park.
I remember coming home and ask myself, “How can I forget that I love shoes?”
Much later, “How can I forget that my favourite colour is fuchsia?” “How long ago have I put myself in the backburner?” “Did I ever had any intention of regaining myself back?” “Would I have ever realised what I had left behind?”
How could I have forgotten, about me?
I have always loved the shade of bright deep shocking pink. The colour is so nutritious for me and it makes me happy. For every dull day, I will pull that one plain fuchsia scarf and it makes me feel right in all the darkness of black, dark navy blue and gray thingamajig that I wear to work. It just binds and makes it become me.
I have never seen the fuchsia flower before. We don’t have this flower here where I live. It would probably die in the heat. So I’m packing this up into my bucket list – Something to See List.
You don’t always get what you want, but you often get what you need.
Strength isn’t given to you. It’s something that you have to build up inside yourself. To do that you have to fearless to ask for help. Fearless enough to accept rejection. Fearless enough to learn to be shameless because being shameless is the only way for you to learn what’s good and what’s bad for yourself. Be fearless to choose and pave your own path. Ultimately, fearless to free-falling.
Truth be told, strength is knowing what to lose and what to keep.
I choose to love myself.