There are days when confidence is low. She feel hers drain away. She realises it has gone off for sometime but it is gone most this week.

The car has broken down again. Left just her and the kids. What she does know is that doesn’t feel helpless this time. Support has been offered throughout. Even getting to work and going home was with assisted lifts from the ones around her. They are kind.

When she speaks, no one listens. She is not heard. Her voice has been meek. No one realises they are spoken to. It makes her feel she intrudes into conversations, spaces and lives. She doesn’t like stepping onto people’s toes. Lonely, she feels. Even the things she writes in group messages are not responded to.

Who is she anyways to deserve their response?

Maybe she will get past this soon. She hopes it will soon pass because it feels sh*tty running around like this.

 

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Circular Motion

I want to pick myself up. My assessment result was poorly.

I no longer have the strength of wanting to do things that has no feeling of continuity by others. There is no respect in stuffs I do. I no longer love my job. I hate every inch of it and I struggle with it daily. I’m tired of having to be everyone else’s mother and call center. That is all the blunt truth. An insult to my own intelligence. The door mat who is out of loop with the news because everyone else is a mystery in the department. Like, WTH?

But of course what I told my boss was, only that no one listens to me. Each time I send an email to remind them not to bypass me when handing over a document, it still happens. I end up doing the cleaning myself, rearranging of office etc myself. And no one bothers to maintain them. I get tired.

Then she gives me… “You manage it. Get everyone to help you because it is a joint job to keep clean and clutter free office”. I looked down as I played with my fingers. It feels terrible.

At the end of the day, I just slumped over until Mr Tortoise signs me cigarette break. I took my stuff and couldn’t care less how cluttered my table was. My whole body unit already felt out of whack. So I followed him into his car and tells him about my day. He listened. Then he proposed me a job on incentive scheme still in the same department, just different unit. It is something different. But I still have to think about it as any change for the placement will not be within this short period of time.

Through the internet, I looked for Hector. Hector picks me up.

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And so I remind myself, “We all have an obligation to be happy”. Only works better after this short nap.

I hope this does good to you too.

Awesome

The assessment mood is on. But I haven’t done anything about it. Instead I insisted on going shopping for the office pantry rather than stay and be bothered by all the other things you have to spend time thinking until your brain hurts.

I no longer have the strength to doing that. I decided that I don’t want to invest understanding and compassion to the limit that I can. The ride has been passive-aggressive until I am really self-sabotaging myself. So much of being smart ass that I do myself this much of favour.

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I’m so tired right now. We’re out of running water in the office due to some pipe burst, I want to wee but I can’t go. My back is itchy. Table is not in a mess but I can see 4 major things to do, not including the assessment papers. Need to pick up Talullah from school. Then have to send Elliot for tuition (Ughh the driving again).

And Adam’s teacher called me today. He hasn’t been producing any exercise book school. It’s already meeting August.

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ME, WHEN I GOT THE CALL.

I have no idea how to deal with this. More that DH has an office function that he has to attend to tonight so I’m left to deal with all the sh*t stories.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, perhaps the right word for it is awesome.

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Oh, so awesome.

The Daily Post: Disastrous

Secret Gardens

I had things to do. But my eyes and fingers were glued scrolling reading stuffs I found online on my phone. Slowly work progressed in between the loading and reading and phone calls and people coming by. But I just lost it today. Lost of interest. Like, WTH am I doing here? Can I quit my job and do something inspiring for me? But if I do, what will pay off the loans and credit cards that I still have? My panties have no second value at all.

Tired of compiling receipts for claims purposes. Tired of checking other people’s claims. Not wanting to deal with people who are pompous enough to take numbers in chunks to show their greatness when the numbers are smaller in real segregation.

Maybe the tiredness is growing in again. Today I know, I am withdrawing. I don’t want to explain to anyone. I don’t want to speak with anyone. Anything else, I message them on the phone. I let my table clutter as I crack into unopened sunflower seeds. I am sick of everything.

Tallulah is unwell. Now, it makes me feel as if it is my negative aura overpowering onto her. It has happened before. She gets sick whenever it I overflow.

My mood has totally gone off somewhere else in the world. Perhaps it is searching for someone in New Orleans to sit with for coffee. Silently it hearts along with the cats that are named after animals and dolls. To tasting Gumbo and Po Boys for the first time. To experience places and spaces where you never thought existed. Find secret gardens to immerse in.

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Some souls are laced in between. This is where I run to put myself in. Invisible but present. Present but observing. Deciding to do so or won’t at all.

Mysterious creature I am. I wonder if my husband knows what sort of craziness he’s stuck with for a long time. It’s like a psychobabble if you poke my brain at all. All seven layers of it. And alas, my children are left without a choice.

Well, good luck to all of them!

Partly party, no fully party on. Hard.

So I have been having frustrations about managing this party. Being remote-controlled, and being made to do this and that when it was decidedly a certain way already. I told office that I’m going off to settle my kids when I just had to have this quiet time at the coffee shop by myself, which I did.

I proceeded for lunch with Miss Brown and she laughs at me. I told her I want to quit, won’t participate next year’s arrangement either and I don’t give a sh*t about it. Won’t give a sh*t about concept that no one else can come up with, won’t care, just nada.

“That’s what you said last year and I never believed it. So I know we’ll have the same conversation about it next year!” She kept laughing. Great. I’m a joke.

“So then what about the decorations hoohaas?”

“I just took anything I can. Closed my eyes and just picked the flowers and the whatevers for the f*ckers. Don’t give a sh*t if they don’t match!” She continued laughing at me and pointed out at me, “Yeah, like right you don’t give a sh*t about it. I’m sure they matched.” Bent, hiding my face away from her, I began nodding. “I am a piece of sh*t,” came out from me. She knows me that well.

Now from all the frustrations I had, someone just came to give me chocolate cake. Awww… I mean, it was so literal that the remote control happened on WhatsApp with all of the other support team in it. They could read what the riling about went on last night.

It was agreed that no deco is required. Then last night at 8.00PM, it changed with a message and I found myself sitting on the sidewalk of the mall by 9:30PM dumbfounded about the sh*t I bought trying to pull through for Friday.

This morning I called the support team and told them how to do the table for food serving. Pulled out the crap I bought and told them what is needed, because I won’t be there. Will only concentrate on the food supply my mom is going to prepare for us.

“Like, are you sure you won’t be there hun?” Miss Brown asks with a smirk.

“Well, let them handle the sh*t themselves!” and buried my face again against the table. Which, of course, had her laughing continuously.

After 2 coffees, I am okay now. Just to be prepared for the meeting due at 3:30PM.

 

Shrubs can help make happy.

My brain is having an over-spill on things I am not able to comprehend. The internal staff evaluation is due this week, the office party, the manpower collation for business plan, the OPEX expenses, the tracking of mid-year OPEX expenses, the BP, the orders for festive use printing items and the year end calendars etc. Instead, my boss hands over the shelf I got her yesterday from IKEA for me to assemble.

I feel like running the treadmill. But my foot is sore. I have been having plantar fasciitis since April. When getting up, I need to be on my toes first, jump around for a few minutes before attempting to set weight on my heel.

When I got to shop yesterday, I got myself a plant. Looking at the plant this morning makes me feel happy. I hope the plant will do its job well, at keeping my sanity level at sane.

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So meet my Polyscias Filicifolia. Apparently it’s a shrub. Well, may this shrub make me happy!

I need to walk around a bit. Biting off more than I can chew, all the way to my arse. It is beginning to feel that way.

Have a good day you guys.