I feel like I’m on treading in empty spaces. Like when I speak, I offend people. When I share something, the subject is imposing. When I call, I’m too boring. When I ask for a cuppa, they don’t know how to deal with me.
I get it. I can get too heavy about something. It isn’t about constant arguing, as some might say. Like, the thing is A and therefore there is no change for A; where as I would debate about it. It’s just the way how my brain is. Being able to debate is like drawing myself out because I debate in my head all the time. I supersize myself and downsize myself 1000 times at the same time a million times a day.
I’ve also taught myself amble and being mindful of what is spoken, what it heard, in the aspects of sensitivity and acceptance, compromise, diplomacy. In what many has evolved for me. So in someways, I feel disappointed, sad.
But I’m justifying it’s okay because…
(1) One friend knows she’s a bitch and couldn’t care less about what you think – that’s why I love her – but, she gets into a silent bitch-fit most of the time. Ignore you when she feels you’re out of line even if the gap has been long. Like, “Are you contacting me for your own self-validation? Please go jump off the cliff for me”. So most of time, I’d have to go kamikaze when touching base with her. 60% of the time lately, I think I’ve annoyed her. So…
(2) A single mom that I’m an open book for, shuts herself from the world because of self-shame. She borrowed some and then cuts me off because she can’t pay back. I hate it when she does this. Of course I understand the struggle being a single mom. Further self-shame and refuses all contact where in the end she will be too ashamed to have any contact at all. Why does she do this to herself?
(3) Ms Brown travels a lot. We only have occasional lunch when she’s free. She won’t be free these few months.
(4) Ms White has left the company. So it’s just tagging on and off on social media.
(5) SIL1 is having a gap. We haven’t met in a few months despite all living close by.
(6) SIL3 is busy with her little sister’s wedding.
(7) SIL4 has injury in the relations since I took back my car. Not that we have any problem with each other directly. It’s just being considerate with each other’s feelings, I suppose.
(8) SIL5 talks to no one.
(9) Ms Luncheon is away for slip disc treatment. So I’ve not been going out for lunch. Not because I can’t. But because I don’t feel it’s worth the effort going by myself.
I sound pathetic. There are others out there to be friends with, but they drain the energy out of me. It’s easier to just cut them off. But then I fall lonely. So I fight with my kids while shushing them while playing Rising Super Chef 2 just because I couldn’t concentrate and wasn’t winning.
Maybe life after 40 is sometimes miserable. I’ve never felt any more stupid than this. This loneliness; one said, doesn’t justify to bother other people just because you’re lonely and expect people to be emotionally ready to have you. This feeling that I am an ass. A jackass. For some reason. Because friendship and relationship is effort. And the colleagues in the office are in the range of 5-15 years younger than I am. My mind is beyond me.
There is an emotion somewhat I’m feeling in my chest while writing this. I can’t put my finger on. Is it sadness? Is it disappointment? Is it loss?
Please bless those people who are in my mind and in my heart. Give them a good day, good wealth and health. Provide them a happy surprise and grant them their good wishes.
I shouldn’t be offended or disappointed that at this time, it is not my time with them; because I know You know best for us.
Please help to heal this dull hurt in my chest.
Please fill them with other things that are meant to be.
Please allow me to shed tears if need be. You know better how hard it is for me to cry. So long it helps to release what it feels.
Now all I could think of is going home with some Jamoca Almond Fudge, having it while running through watching Kitchen Cousins and Fixer Upper. I think it sounds perfect. But I’m very sure my evening will end far different that what I wish for it to be.