Non-amble Paces

I feel like I’m on treading in empty spaces. Like when I speak, I offend people. When I share something, the subject is imposing. When I call, I’m too boring. When I ask for a cuppa, they don’t know how to deal with me.

I get it. I can get too heavy about something. It isn’t about constant arguing, as some might say. Like, the thing is A and therefore there is no change for A; where as I would debate about it. It’s just the way how my brain is. Being able to debate is like drawing myself out because I debate in my head all the time. I supersize myself and downsize myself 1000 times at the same time a million times a day.

I’ve also taught myself amble and being mindful of what is spoken, what it heard, in the aspects of sensitivity and acceptance, compromise, diplomacy. In what many has evolved for me. So in someways, I feel disappointed, sad.

But I’m justifying it’s okay because…

(1) One friend knows she’s a bitch and couldn’t care less about what you think – that’s why I love her – but, she gets into a silent bitch-fit most of the time. Ignore you when she feels you’re out of line even if the gap has been long. Like, “Are you contacting me for your own self-validation? Please go jump off the cliff for me”. So most of time, I’d have to go kamikaze when touching base with her. 60% of the time lately, I think I’ve annoyed her. So…

(2) A single mom that I’m an open book for, shuts herself from the world because of self-shame. She borrowed some and then cuts me off because she can’t pay back. I hate it when she does this. Of course I understand the struggle being a single mom. Further self-shame and refuses all contact where in the end she will be too ashamed to have any contact at all. Why does she do this to herself?

(3) Ms Brown travels a lot. We only have occasional lunch when she’s free. She won’t be free these few months.

(4) Ms White has left the company. So it’s just tagging on and off on social media.

(5) SIL1 is having a gap. We haven’t met in a few months despite all living close by.

(6) SIL3 is busy with her little sister’s wedding.

(7) SIL4 has injury in the relations since I took back my car. Not that we have any problem with each other directly. It’s just being considerate with each other’s feelings, I suppose.

(8) SIL5 talks to no one.

(9) Ms Luncheon is away for slip disc treatment. So I’ve not been going out for lunch. Not because I can’t. But because I don’t feel it’s worth the effort going by myself.

I sound pathetic. There are others out there to be friends with, but they drain the energy out of me. It’s easier to just cut them off. But then I fall lonely. So I fight with my kids while shushing them while playing Rising Super Chef 2 just because I couldn’t concentrate and wasn’t winning.

Maybe life after 40 is sometimes miserable. I’ve never felt any more stupid than this. This loneliness; one said, doesn’t justify to bother other people just because you’re lonely and expect people to be emotionally ready to have you. This feeling that I am an ass. A jackass. For some reason. Because friendship and relationship is effort. And the colleagues in the office are in the range of 5-15 years younger than I am. My mind is beyond me.

There is an emotion somewhat I’m feeling in my chest while writing this. I can’t put my finger on. Is it sadness? Is it disappointment? Is it loss?

Dear God,

Please bless those people who are in my mind and in my heart. Give them a good day, good wealth and health. Provide them a happy surprise and grant them their good wishes.

I shouldn’t be offended or disappointed that at this time, it is not my time with them; because I know You know best for us.

Please help to heal this dull hurt in my chest.

Please fill them with other things that are meant to be.

Please allow me to shed tears if need be. You know better how hard it is for me to cry. So long it helps to release what it feels.

i-get-lonely

Now all I could think of is going home with some Jamoca Almond Fudge, having it while running through watching Kitchen Cousins and Fixer Upper. I think it sounds perfect. But I’m very sure my evening will end far different that what I wish for it to be.

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Author: momsthetruth

Struggling INFJ living in broad daylight and pretends she sleeps through the day like a vampire but knows nothing about Twilight, aside of that hairy beast thing that changes when the girl he can't have does something that can get herself killed.

3 thoughts on “Non-amble Paces”

  1. I hear you, sister. Was just talking to a friend that I usually only talk to once a year (we live in the same city), and about how difficult it is to walk the line between being lonely and being alone (different things), and being sociable and being drained by those you love. It can be very difficult to work with all of the social and emotional schedules that are at play for us and those around us. It’s daunting. I live on a parallel path to yours, but different, in that I’m 35 and unmarried with no children. That wasn’t necessarily what I wanted, but it’s how things have turned out, and I’m not sad about it. But all of my girlfriends have children, save for one or two, and they all moved to different cities. I get lonely without the women who know me best. I don’t want to make new friends; I want the old ones. But there’s some bullshit unspoken law of womanhood that makes complaining about any part of our paths “selfish.” You can’t be honest and say that sometimes it sucks to have kids, and sometimes it sucks to be alone, and sometimes it sucks that your friends have kids and you don’t, or that you have kids and your friends have kids and there are just kids everywhere, or that now there are husbands and partners in the way when you just want to go have margaritas and be crazy for the night…etc. Anyway, I’m rambling. But it’s OK to feel like life isn’t stacking up how you’d hoped it would. No matter where you are, what your circumstances, who you’re talking to. And we all need a safe space to shout THIS SUCKS RIGHT NOW! without people condemning you for not being Polly Perfect. Because once you’re done shouting, you’ll have a little more room to see something non-sucky that you weren’t noticing just a moment ago. You gotta free up that room, have a nice cry, a nice shout, a nice crazy margarita night out with the girls. Blog posts work, too, I hear ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Anna that’s exactly right!

      For each sentence that you went on, I was going, “YEAH!” and they multiply.

      >>>But there’s some bullshit unspoken law of womanhood that makes complaining about any part of our paths “selfish.”

      ^^^ And you’re so right about this. Insensitive to being sensitive and snapping about being sensitive and insensitivity.

      It was difficult getting it in a post. I ranted too long of one person and realized it was a post of complaint – LOL. And it took me a day – and I could still go on about this “Mrs Person” I drafted about.

      So when this second one happened, finally they were all swimming out. It turned out that writing about Mrs Person was just the cork of the bottle. Let the draft of it be elsewhere because she isn’t worth writing about in the first place anyways (wow such bitchiness woman, this – lol).

      I feel grateful for you Anna. You words help build the rainbows for me. I hope your day is filled with cat coziness and good food just because you should.

      Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! It’s basically my day off today – only working the one job, and we have a “leadership meeting” that wastes a good 2 hours of the afternoon where I can just pretend to listen and jam out to my inner soundtrack when no one’s looking 🙂 Then it’s home to cuddle with my furry jerkface roommates and maybe even order some Chinese. Yay!

        Liked by 1 person

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