DH won’t add me on social media. It has been quite a task when wanting to share info/articles/holiday places with him. And so last night one of his brothers threw a surprise party for Elliot. When coming home, he stayed so long fixing his IG posting the photos and videos. It continued to morning.
“I never get to see them,” I said.
“The photos, the videos. Whatever that I don’t have. Whatever that I can never see.”
Here’s where the hurt deepens. My sister has a problem. She is a people person who claims to be an introverted person, constant chatter, who likes to get into people’s laundry just because it will all make her feel better. It’s insincere. I have accepted that I cannot (no longer have the tolerance to) digest her.
So, we attended an event that DH posted a video of in his IG. She texted him within minutes asking him to send her the video copy. *crickets* I repeat.
Asking Making him to send.
I didn’t even know he posted anything. I will never know. I am never going to be on his friend list. And my freaky sister gets to follow him. I’m his F wife.
“I don’t see what’s the problem? I don’t understand.”
“You know what?” pulling my phone close, “I’m just gonna private my account. It makes life nicer for me. I mean, how kind was I to open it to public just so you could see what photos I put of our kids. But you know what? Why should I care in the first place? It’s so stupid to always consider other people rather than considering myself or what satisfies me. Everybody else knows what you put in there except this woman (pointing to self). So it’s okay to feel a little bit stupid when people talk to you about your DH’s IG and you answer ‘Oh sorry, he tells me I can never be his friend on IG or FB’ to them.”
“You public your IG?”
“It doesn’t matter. Easier for me to do this. I don’t need to meddle in whatever sh*tty feeling (that I’m so sure I’m gonna dwell in) so done. It’s private now.”
At 9AM, he sends me a message saying he has public his IG. I told him I don’t give a F. He persists for me to see. I told him, “No need. Thanks.”
I can’t even capture a word to how this all feels. It segregates my solitary feeling into silo. Not to the level of being in an emotional trance yet, but it’s within vicinity; like reciting the sounds of a humming bird. I don’t even know if it makes any sense to you. Well actually, I don’t care.
And so as the morning went, it turns out that indicatively I am to clear turds for other people this week. All unknown turds that are not mine. Oh just crap. Just please wish me luck.