Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.
I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.
When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.
But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.
She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.
Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.
It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.
Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.
“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”
It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.
Oh dear Nyla,
Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.
In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).
Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.
Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.
Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.
Sending all my love to all those who need this.
Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.