At the pit of my stomach, I feel that people are ignoring me in the office. Not the major ones, they are the ones who are the support and pillars of their bosses.
Here’s the confession:
1. My staff’s claim went missing. It was a hectic month for claims. I had to ask 2 people to help send some of them up periodically. I couldn’t find them at my end and went crazy… While 1 assistant went calling sheepishly ‘upstairs’ behind and I could hear, “Found them already? Okay, great!” – Turns out it was in IN Tray instead of CLAIMS Tray. I look stupid, I feel.
2. I had just applied to be on a course that my supervisor approved. It would be great to attend because Sunshine, Eden and Sue has been put in the loop. In the end Sunshine’s new supervisor doesn’t allow her. Sue can’t attend because she has attended something else earlier. And as at yesterday, my Director tells me to hold all external paid training off for this year. So that’s left with Eden alone in class. So it’s like, who am I trying to apply a course outside when everyone else’s assistant tries to attend internal ones?
3. I don’t know I’m just paranoid. Ultimately it is I who want to be left alone.
I want to be ignored for now because… I miss him. I really do. I just can’t do this life anymore.
I thought of calling him this morning. Found a photo of him and Talullah when she was a pudgy 2 year-old. But I put if off until I get to the office. Then I put on my hands-free, still putting off calling. I thought about what to say. I feel so disabled and fail myself at this communication. Looked back at what I shared. At the back of my mind it was just going through a quick overthinking. Until my eyes caught the photo again. I saw his fingers, hand, and arm around our little girl.
There was a time when I used to stare at him, just swallow in what I saw and tried to memorize. My eyes leaked instantaneously. The scent of the skin. The texture, the veins. The face on the neck. The presence. The presence. The presence.
We’ve been like this for almost forever. Near, but apart. I don’t know what to think of. So I wrote him:
“I miss you. But I think I will cry if I talk to you now. The feeling is on right now haha.”
There’s no actual ‘HAHA’ there, right? So I HAHA-ed myself wiping tears with my sleeves, then walking fast to the toilet before locking myself in a cubicle.
Doesn’t it feel lonely in a world of foggy apple mints and rainbow farts from unicorn, that you want someone to come save you? You know someone will, and you know you will save yourself too, but you’re just standing in the middle the town on a hill swinging skirt of your dress with blue pigtails and fuchsia ends and purple ribbons.
That’s just how I exactly feel. Whipping air in psychedelic colour that smells of cotton candy as you wait there under the big tree on the hill with baskets of peach pie, strawberry filled and glazed donuts, cinnamon sticks and lasagna. Big Thermos of black coffee. With Jodi Picoult in hand. On the checked picnic rug.
I feel someone’s hand reaching on in me as I write this. Yes, we can sit here together. Share what I’ve brought and have the coffee too. We sit here and wait. We’re okay by ourselves anyway.
Edited: Spelling mistakes are hmmm… and possible misconstrued innocence gone wrong. So we edit.