In all fogginess I have lost myself. Little struggles. Refusal to be blindsided so I chose to stop looking. The difference in me treading along now is it is easier now than it was before. Letting go is easier. But I owe you an apology for being so…
I know my entries has been sporadically too high or too low. Each time I tell myself I have mental health issues, I realize that I am just an unhappy INFJ. And this unhappiness is common. I try not to wonder why but it helps to realign me back into some kind of perspective after re-realizing unhappy INFJ. Not just a figment of my own imagination.
So yesterday morning, I had this sudden this tap water flowing cry out of no apparent reason. They just kept coming and coming. In the office. Breakdown. Tissues encrusted all over me. It was sobbing cry, close to being to the ugly cry. I was missing friends. And after months of silence, I lunched with the beautiful Ms Brown.
“I think I’m sad. I’ve been sad for a looong time,” I said as my eyes glazed over the restaurant window.
She looked onto me, just pouring with emotion. Momentarily shaking her head. “But you can’t live it unhappy. You shouldn’t have to go through the same thing again. You deserve good.”
Yes, Ms Brown. You are right. My astral movements has been off the charts. You are asking me to go through the exercises I asked you to do when you were going through your rough patch. You are also making me yearn for savoury food and a whole lot of chicken requirement in my diet. And smoked salmon.
Just one step at a time. I will congregate with the rest of the human race and sort myself out again. Even when my own imagination can’t put myself there.
This wallowing is comforting. Yes, I know it’s bad for me. Such fear to find the courage again. To be okay without having the need for validation. Fearsome.