White Note

I’ve taken a big step for myself.

I have begun asking myself to please stop putting myself in misery. I want to indulge in happiness, feel a little joy and be in the moment when I need to be instead of being passive-aggressive on most occassion.

There was a night that I wrote so long. So long to myself, my frustrations with relationships, expectations and acceptances. And for the last 4 paragraphs, I said, “You know, after so long for keeping thoughts to myself, I may as well as let you (DH) know,” and it continued on until I was done.

Send.

Relief. Self-lift.

He responded curtly. He knows he had been put in a sudden land that’s full of landmines where saying the wrong thing could put him in a worse situation. To think that he triggered nothing to get the letter in the first place… Oh poor poor man… Not!

It was the following night that I slept and dreamt that I died. I was in white, folded myself on the thighs of my boss and floated then onwards. I have since been slightly paranoid of the dream. I kept reminding Talullah how to stop the car if I’m with any emergency.

“Push the gear to N, press the hazzard light, and slowly pull the hand brake”.

But somehow I feel free. I am revisiting the meaning of the dream. The decision is that I pray that good things will only come. I have explained my feelings as raw as I could possibly can. It was just there. I didn’t expect for DH to pick up after me.

Well, I wish I could write more but my eyes are tired.

Menopausal

Today I was called to join into a meeting. But the whole day my head had been woozy. I kept feeling like I was swinging and falling.

Eventually when I joined the meeting, I kept falling asleep. Like literally sleeping. I’d respond to whoever was calling then fall asleep again. It was so bad – horrendous.

The whole team let me me drift in and out knowing I had the voice note on. But they laughed with me at the end of it because I was still partially awake.

I stayed in the car for a while before driving home. I was afraid I might fall asleep while driving.

Then as I drove, I suddenly remembered my massage appointment. Luckily it was on the way home and climbed up to her apartment getting on the wrong floor. The best part of all was there was no one living there. I felt like I was in twilight zone.

I heard the masseuse call me out, “You’re on the wrong floor – Come down!” with a huge laughing fit as I.

As any other massage sessions, I began to spill whatever crossed my mind. Then she tells me that I’m menopausal as I’m beginning to feel more sensitive. Plus I’m very near to 45. She had a fit with uncontrollable anger and frustrations. So she told me to tell everybody so they understand.

So hey, everyone – I’m menopausal.

And now arriving home, I’m fully awake. So WTH.

The 7th Day

I’ve been drafting, saving, deleting drafts. Been wanting to write, but in the end it becomes this long rant of complaints – all of which that I want to begin changing.

Speak no ill of others, although how easily I’m triggered on selected people in my life. Nasty, so easily from scale 0 to 100 – so help me, God.

My brain is tired. But DH is absent. I need his being to just be in the same room to have his energy pace my congested one out.

I want to have Billie Eillish and Khalid in the same room together with me. Just be present and hug them in silence. Then I would want to hug Finneas as well for making Billie’s record. And remain all 4 of us in the same room for a very long time.

I haven’t done any work in the office – hahaha. I should attempt something.

My aspiration is to have Adam graduate high school with grades good for university. Have the other 2 be proud of their own effort as well by the end of this year.

It has been a challenge getting tutoring classes for them. Because I’m not smart enough to the level of structure that they are learning in school.

I really love Everything I Wanted. I cried when listening to the lyrics for the first time.

In the end, this posting is pretty random.

2019: Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

You’ve thrown yourself in much sorrow this year. Constant sadness that drowns anyone else along the way, so you don’t want to share them for the fear that you might. They may swim away from you. All you fear is the abandonment. The rejection.

Feel all of this now please. Be with it for a while. Because you will leave it all behind in 2019. Move forward. Find inspirations. Have aspirations. Be in sync with passion (although you must find it first).

I love you more than you know. You always feel you are undeserving of such love. Such selfless self who gives more than you should.

So you deserve that comedy show booking that you will find some time. You also deserve that concert and that holiday you’re regretting to have paid for already. You deserve to be pushed. That’s all you need, because you need to be free.

Be free. Forgive other people for the things they didn’t know any better of. Remember the good people and experiences you had. Remember the depression and how you climbed out of it. Remember the self-pity and internal cries of ignored you are (although it is really self-inflicted); and how you’re going to be free from.

You will be free. One step at a time.

I hope you’ll enjoy 2020, in all fears that you have.

Love.

Hurt

How can I be truthful with you, when the truth is what hurt is?

These few days have been a turbulence of emotions. One person found evidence of her husband’s possible cheating. What was shown to me brought me back to 2012 and I felt like I stopped breathing for some time, warped in this non-breathable bubble. Something was telling me, ‘Break it, or you’ll fizz that wire’.

Jenny called me last night, asking if I was home. She wants to come over. So I said sure. It hasn’t happened before.

Somehow, a few minutes after that; Talullah rushed out of the house for me, with David on phone, on loudspeaker. David was crying, “Aunty, Mummy and Daddy are fighting. Please help. Please come now”.

Simultaneously, Jenny was calling, asking me then to pick her up. Hell broke loose.

I got dressed, already crying from listening to David’s ask for help and really losing it in the bedroom. Talullah looked on.

“I have to cry now, because I can’t cry later. I can’t cry in front of them. I have to pull myself together then.

Talullah, this is what we do. This is how we help. Whether or not I know what to do next. But this is what we do. I’m crying now. I better cry now, because I can’t cry when I’m with them.

We help when people call. We be there. We listen. We don’t tell people about it.

So I’m going over to Aunt Jenny’s. I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how long it will take. I will go back when things are settled.

Do you understand?”

Talullah nodded. I kissed her and left.

Pattern

We went for Frozen 2, 2 days ago.

I watched Anna struggle to be on her own, to manage through without her reasons for. Without Elsa, without Olaf. I told myself, not to fall down that pit again just to suddenly be familiar with what she goes through. I made it. And I cried.

You know, I was okay these few days. But as I sit here in the office in front of the PC, suddenly I feel a pit going down and down and down in me with, “I’m lonely (again),” – and a tear fell out. How easy does that happen? How easy can’t it make me feel up?

DH and I, I whispered in his ears yesterday. “Why don’t you hold my hands when we go out? Is it because you don’t like me?” He grinned and didn’t answer as he continued to play Toon Blast.

“Yes, I think you don’t like me”.

It made me think of this pattern. Of how my mother feels about my father. Asking Sister4 not to invite him for holiday because, “He really doesn’t like me”. How do we feel this? We just feel it. We’re just still in a relationship that’s wonky because that’s how we’ve just learned to accept it.

I want it changed. Because I deserve to be happy. But I keep falling into this pit so easily.

So last night DH slept off early while I was still sitting out on the porch with my phone gaming and cigarettes. I went up, washed up, set up Farmville2 and couldn’t sync a connection at all. It began to feel, displaced; just as how he was sleeping on the bed. I went down again, cigarettes and phone. Gaming, with my legs stretched out past midnight.

He called, asking me where I was. I went up, and he then took a quick shower to rinse of the day off of him. I laid on my own. As I usually do. Alone, most of the time. We don’t snuggle. I’m heaty, so I was told.

But last night, he propped me on on his shoulders. Tried patting me to sleep. Consoling me to sleep. It felt strange, but comforting. I didn’t sleep right away. Maybe I was weeping inside, knowing that this was temporary and it will be gone soon. But take it in, as much as I can.

I still feel he doesn’t like me. Just as how I hate him.

A family pattern needs to be broken.

2019

Somehow I feel melancholy.

I always get this. But it stopped after a while, when I took a break of my own mind to be in life, travelling to Japan.

It seems to be slowly seeping back in. Was it Philip Phillips renditions that brought me to it? Well, it could be. So would Sia. As how honest I feel Selena Gomez can be too.

I need a new project. Before I slip back into dark mode, which doesn’t have to be. But it’s inevitable. Just waiting for time before it happens again.

To think that 2019 has been repressed for me, for not seeing how long I’ve pushed down feeling sad and therefore depressed for a very long period of time. Perhaps, this was the longest leg I’ve ever experienced. Most raw and honest as it could be. Because I spent this year and a part of 2018, feeling very abandoned until the inner most core of me.

This was the year when people who I had always felt dear to heart, discarded me so obviously. Just smack right up. Not just by one person, but 3 of the dearest ones I hold in me throughout my lifetime.

This was also the year that emotionally I piled up and immersed myself under much sadness of being abandoned by my spouse for not having time for me. It led to feeling inadequate for the partner, vice versa; with a lot of other negative and positive thoughts. More to not thinking, numbing the hurt. Closing the wound. Regauzing wound. It just, made me drone myself further into the invisible buzz in my head.

I had lost interest in working. Not wanting to get out of bed. It got harder each day. Very limited tolerance level where I’m at a point of just walking off when nonsense is present. Began hating people and seeing most of them as idiots.

50% of the thoughts had always been innate in me. Only to have them out of proportion is out of my own substance. I knew I was a changed person. The best part of all was me writing to a confession forum anonymously to realize that I had been down for a long time. For being in it for so long, it is still taking me slowly to change the flow.

I don’t know if I feel blessed for this year. I have perhaps, taken more than I’ve given. Possibly, don’t deserve this fair goodness of being out of sadness. I haven’t been fair to me. Now I must learn to know what I want. I can’t always be okay with whatever it is in the ‘now’ and what could possibly be in the future.

Japan was good to break my cycle, although I learnt once again what a jerk he can be. How much easily in denial I can be. Why I love him still, and why he can still make me giggle like a school girl; I can never know. I was really frustrated being with him. It’s like, everything in our lives must be lived separated.

But life’s like that. You get what you give.

I have been taught only by the best to that way. He trained for us to live without him. He trains himself to live without us.

And this is us, living without you. We only learn from the best. In all happiness, sadness and loneliness.

A lot of loneliness.

If only he knows how my heart looks like, because I can’t transcribe how it is in words. And love remains. Just because, I deserve some space to have my party of bubbles around without having anyone or anything bursting them without my consent.

I learnt again, that I must love myself.

And that, I must.