Mind Whack

I haven’t been producing good postings. This writer’s block with lack of sleep and annoyance that result bothersome attitude just trying to keep awake. It becomes a mean cycle that brings to being mean. Yes, I agree. I suck too. Meddle in the muddle.

So I have been cooking. Penne carbonaras that bothers my dad because he says penne makes him feel he’s eating air unlike non-straw like other pasta types. Then fried brinjal in chili. Pizzas using base of sliced bread.

What I didn’t was how a lasagna could reveal another degree dimension of me in the kitchen. The lasagna that I was so tired when making it, bridging with giving up and ugly cry + throwing everything to hit everything else in the kitchen. Of course I didn’t do it. Although I visually could see it clearly going in slow motion as my brother quips, “Yeay, lasagna!” I was mentally doing it. You know, throwing all wooden spoons and whisks. It was a very difficult and emotional process for me.

James Arthur’s Say You Won’t Let Go is playing. It makes me feel I’m walking in a dress, denim jacket and cowboy boots walking hand in hand with him in the park entering autumn. It’s so front page of 90’s Teen Magazine. All adverts on Keds, daisies and smiley floral dresses. My imagination is constantly in fall. The mix of tenderness in green, floral remnants and brown. I easily identify with it I suppose. I was born in fall.

It’s still a long way to where my mind brings me to be made into reality, but it’s okay. Time will tell. If not now, then maybe very much later.

Oh by the way, we went out last night and I did hear something drop when we got to the house. I settled in getting things in and making me coffee with aching heel and feet. Then I couldn’t find my phone. It got me grumpy when non of the kids owned up. How hard could it be to put my feet up in the foyer with a mug of hot coffee and cigarettes while playing Rising Super Chef 2? Tell me, how hard? HOW HARD? Life is hard. Times are hard. ((HUGS))

Well, obviously I had to walk around the house to find them too a few times. Like, I’ve asked them and they said no but they’re kids so what do they know. Interrogate them we must! Then made them call the phone – the line was dead, so great – yeay! Walked upstairs and downstairs and inside and out from the kitchen to the yard. Checked the car twice. With aching heel and feet. I couldn’t find it. I even took out garbage from within the car.

“Mom, I think I heard something drop in the car. It could be it you know”.

I went, “Pfffft… I checked the car and it’s not there!” while internally going through an ugly cry. I’m a bad mom. I don’t care. Who cares about my aching feet anyhow?

Then DH said, “I think it did probably fall in the car, hon; just like Adam said.” Pfffft. To both of them.

So I went back to car. Slowly. Like the slowest sci-fi movie you’ve ever watched. Yes, sci-fi. Reached out my hand in the side pocket of the passenger seat in darkness. Cosily it had been sitting there for the longest time. Just playing hide and seek. You know, I don’t like playing that game. Especially not at night. But what does it know, right?

Well of course the screaming died down. No one bothered to ask if I had found it. I guess it was obvious that I had found it because the screaming stopped completely. Right? And who would in their right mind want to try and ask if I did find it, being at risk of being screamed at if I still had not found it. Right?

Oh my I’m so completely whack… Haha.

So, I’ve got some tiny bit of work left before the weekend. Paid some bills and sorted my brain. Woke up late but got here not in time with some excuse of having family matter that I just had to attend to.

For some reason I feel refreshed and need to put a photo of fuchsia roses in this post. Lovely photo. I hope you feel the same way too.



The Daily Post Prompts | Imaginary | Distant | Tender | Revelation | Triumph | Puncture | Create | Blossom | Relieved | Meddle | Loop

Mind Whack


When you are still too sleepy to do anything, it is caught in between whether or not you’re really tired or lazy.

I think I’m at that borderline.  Of not caring to just lock myself up in the storeroom right now, or what…




Yes, I’ve squishy protruding eyeballs from all the yawning and too much or lack off sleep. Dark circles. Dark dark circles.

(I’m soooo…. sleeping through lunch hour).


Sulky code names. Crap.

Today didn’t suck too much. But it was a sulky day.

SIL3 text me. Found out Turd BIL4 has not renewed the car insurance and road tax so his family has been driving the car under my name around. So because of this, BIL4 has been using his parents’ CAR1 these few weeks.

Just yesterday, SIL1 was wondering when she will get back her car.  PIL has borrowed hers but yet to return. They have 2 cars, CAR1 is under my DH’s name, and CAR2 was gifted by BIL1. CAR1 is with BIL4 and CAR2 is at the workshop.

I feel this heartbreak of disappointment. Him, jobless. Wife is expected to fend for the family. MIL should be pressuring him instead of the wife. Making her take random jobs like massaging and controlling how she wants to manage it. Come on. She is SAHM. She just can’t adjust time to fit your whim and fancy. Besides, your son is the man of the house. He is responsible for his family’s livelihood. Why aren’t you asking him to try?

DH and I had just been talking about this the night before. We were going to take it back in July. Just about 1 week after school starts again.

We have been helping SIL4 and her kids. Why is he there taking charity? No sense of shame? No pride to adjust? No… push to evolve instead of playing in the fields 6 hours of the day that brings absolutely no income into the household at all?

I prayed that he be given enough to provide and repay all that he has taken from. But my fear is always that, if it comes, he doesn’t.

Everything is so literal. I’m making no attempt to hide (except my identity).

Observantly, this is the best time for us to take back my car. The one I have been paying for 22 months. I will allow DH take the lead. As he had been the one to let go on my behalf, he will retrieve it back.

I feel a tonne of weight off my chest.

Thank you.

Sulky code names. Crap.

The internal dumb.

I have been meaning to write. But I try to keep myself busy. Mending fences ehile really praying hard my spelling is correct now auto-spellcheck is off my phone. Lol.

Some nights have been really sleepless. Literally. On Wednesday, I ended up sleeping at 5.30AM (yeah like WTF). Luckily I was on leave Thursday. Woke up still 3/4 awake at 10.00AM with alarm set at 9.30AM.

Sleep is in a bad phase with me. Best part was I tried decaf that night instead of regular coffee hahahahaha. Well truly I had the last laugh.

Then tonight after sending the kids for extra class, I dropped by the drive-thru for coffee. I swear I only wanted coffee. But the fried chicken was really looking abundant in 5s. The crispiness. The redness of the spiciness. So when they asked me what I wanted to order, the words of, “5 pieces of (the looking so awesome) spicy fried chicken,” just fell out of my mouth. It was only when they asked me if I wanted something else that I remembered the coffee. Well, that’s good photography and marketing TO YOU. It got me in a trance. Lol.

Oh God, I’m just stupid. Haha. So so so shallow. You can easily just buy me out with sushi. Sigh. 

Maybe I’m nearing to a period cycle that I just CANNOT gage. Note the non-frustration going on. Ah. You know I’m so lying to myself! It’s slowly driving me nuts with all the cells and hormones going on. The bad blood is screaming to be expelled from the few boils I’m getting at places that surprise me. Yeah, surprise. Because suddenly I can’t sit properly, or turn a certain way. Me going, “Eh. Why does it hurt?”

I am dumb. 

Aside of my kids still awake past midnight with one speaking so loudly and the other pretending to wail in pain. Oh the drama. Zzzzz… 

Well okay. That’s the end of this pointless ‘I’ve been meaning to write’ post hahaha. 

Yeah. Sad. Hahaha.

The internal dumb.

Mind gardening, anxiously.

There is gathering tonight – again. More to like, 4th family gathering in the span of 12 days – with my in-laws. We’re feeling a bit tired about it – us, the wives of the 5 brothers. I mean, we rush from the office and home errands and all other stuffs right…

So far I have been cooking almost every night for dinner. Bringing potluck to each gathering from the office rush. Having to attend half the time to their gatherings without my DH. It gets tiring for me. I feel old that we’re all doing this to satisfy some people’s need to really feel needed and loved. Not me. It’s them. They need the feeling needed and loved. Meh.

Last night I had my anxiety issues. Instead of falling asleep, my brain went into overdrive about what to cook – despite already having prepped the roast chicken to bring for tonight. It went like, should I cook pasta already? Where to do I get the stuffs? Which shop? Best way? Oh, the traffic will be so bad for me to come home later etc. What about salad? Ooooh it would be great to have smoked cheese. Errr… How to get it? And it just won’t stop…

And so, 3 hours of sleep later, I’m here in the office.

Please help pray that I manage through the day.

And pray that I’ll survive tonight.

It just requires so much effort to put up with all these things. Not thinking about the oncoming festivities in 3 weeks on top of 3-day wedding (in-laws side) that gives us no room for ourselves to do something else. Oh God with the theme colours that we have to dress ourselves in with the children.

Yes, effort. How much are you willing to give? Mine is about to reach it’s ceiling. I’m still trying to compromise. Just coz I’m nice; but don’t keep giving me sh!t to process into gold bars.

Seriously, I have no idea what this rant is. I’m sorry you had to read through all this, cluttered mind. Thank you for your effort though. You made it until the end.



Daily Prompts: Portion | Imaginary | Distant

Mind gardening, anxiously.

Prettier gardens

I am trying to find a sense of sustainability for the center of me. It is a steep, trashy, muddy road. Always find mine sluggish. Quicksand that I miraculously just stand over and not get sucked into the earth. I punish myself sometimes. Reprieve as I go. It is a cycle.

Life turns itself slowly especially with a struggle because you need to learn to leap blindly in faith that you will be okay. It scares the sh*t out of me. Something out of balance although prominently enough inside I know I need to trust myself that life isn’t monotonous, IT IS going somewhere. Only I am so stubborn to notice, acknowledge and move.

Roads need to be paved to be made into highways.

~ momsthetruth ~

It is clearer destination that I see. It is going somewhere. Words spoken are without jagged fences of defensiveness. More like flowers edging the boundaries. I receive them, and help to make the gardens organised. Prettier. With a flow. Rainbow explosions.

Maybe we can build a house in the meadow.

I only hope the garden will flourish. One day it will have an orchard of fruits and horses and cats. One day.

Survive | Reprieve | Infuse | Radiate | Detonate

Edit: Redundancy of sentence.

Prettier gardens

This drifter

Literally, she is dragging her brain in dirt as she lay her fingers onto the keyboard forming words right now. She is so tired. So tired of catching up with that has been given to her. Tired of trying to catch up because she doesn’t seem to finish. She doesn’t know know where is the finish line. Everything is half-way. Everything has a deadline. And there is no finish line.

She reaches for coffee. Silently wishing it is fresh ground coffee instead of sachet, but she doesn’t have a choice. Everyone else drinks chocolate or tea. Too lazy to prep her own hand-drip. But whenever she makes them, there would be people hounding her for some. Then complain the coffee is too bitter. Of course they are, they are how she likes it – don’t complain, it is her coffee. Meh. On some days her thoughts be like, “Go add sugar. It’ll taste better for you (ungrateful bastard),” while other days, she doesn’t care.

Maybe her ground coffee is finished? She can’t decide. Not bothered to move an inch off the seat to check either.

Everything seems to be… undecided for her. Not really undecided, more like a blurry state of making decisions. She is the wood adrift in the sea. Just float somewhere. Somewhere else, not here, but can someone just pick her up to the beach?

She is tired of weighing like, what’s the best thing to do right now, best solution, best sentence to appease, best time to leave, how what when where why. Especially without a car. It broke yesterday morning on her way to work.

Tonight she is expected to manage, get the kids ready, grab something for potluck and get to her in-Laws by 7.00 tonight. It is stressing the heck out of her. She already feels her emotions pushed around in the family messaging group. She chose best not to respond at all. Her silence has a lasting impression on them. Hence why MIL has kept asking why ‘NOBODY’ has been responding. She doesn’t really give a sh*t about it, really. Her mind gets catapult somewhere else each time, but the constant incoming messages will remain to bite her in her ass.

“Whatever,” she mutters under her breath. Puts her thoughts away. She forces her focus on incoming emails, even though what she reads doesn’t make any sense to her at all.


Well, everything is whatever. And whatever will sort itself soon, by itself.

This drifter