2019: Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

You’ve thrown yourself in much sorrow this year. Constant sadness that drowns anyone else along the way, so you don’t want to share them for the fear that you might. They may swim away from you. All you fear is the abandonment. The rejection.

Feel all of this now please. Be with it for a while. Because you will leave it all behind in 2019. Move forward. Find inspirations. Have aspirations. Be in sync with passion (although you must find it first).

I love you more than you know. You always feel you are undeserving of such love. Such selfless self who gives more than you should.

So you deserve that comedy show booking that you will find some time. You also deserve that concert and that holiday you’re regretting to have paid for already. You deserve to be pushed. That’s all you need, because you need to be free.

Be free. Forgive other people for the things they didn’t know any better of. Remember the good people and experiences you had. Remember the depression and how you climbed out of it. Remember the self-pity and internal cries of ignored you are (although it is really self-inflicted); and how you’re going to be free from.

You will be free. One step at a time.

I hope you’ll enjoy 2020, in all fears that you have.


My Own Visibility

Today, this morning. I feel like I’m slightly out of my life, looking at it as a purview of something else. Taking my life in a glace to see the meaning of it. How if the way I feel it can be validated as it is. Something only what an INFJ could make sense of.

My life isn’t pathetic. It’s a trying life. Trying of balance. Trying of giving and being. Trying to not fall apart. Trying not to be broken. Trying not to be too strong. Trying not to indulge. Trying not to expect. Trying not to give too much.

When there are most days like this as you live them by…

Expectation is something that can break you. Leave it behind – far behind. Move a step and celebrate it. Celebrate each step, yes.

I talk more with my kids. They talk more with me. My teenage sons will hold my hand and wrap me in their arms even if we walk in public. My daughter gives and knows when to stop.

I’m grateful.

So many so many so many things.

Soon there will be a time where DH has to be away for a few months again. I must remind myself not to wallow, be sad – because being sad was the trigger of my illnesses.

Dear Self,

Listen to Khalid. Sing to Sam White. Scream with Kurt and Freddie. Laugh like you’re watching Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. See each scene like it was in Hangover and White Chicks. Close your eyes, take long breaths and feel the beach.

You’ll get by. Just one day at a time.


You have, after all, learnt to take care of others and managed to take care of yourself too. So,good job to learning something progressive.

I know there are days where the emotions are lack of. But those days are alright. Nothing more than a few days to wallow. There’s nothing that coffee and green tea can’t fix; and Lindt Hazelnut Dark Chocolate Bars too, of course.

Now, now. Pat yourself on the back. “OK”.

I know you’re sleepy and miserable from the over a week long PMS without actual bleeding already. You’ll get by. Had your oat, now go make a nice something-something for yourself.

Update: Finally the period came. About an hour after posting this.

Slow and steady, woman. Yeehaw.

I managed time to spend with SIL1 last night. We walked into Starbucks and suddenly the water leaked at the bottom so that’s how my Americano got to be Java Chip – they ran out of hot water, so I could have anything else but something hot.

For all the worst of things, I feel is the struggle within me. Wanting to be motivated, wanting to complete something easily without the hyperspace deep thought to untangle yards of yarn in nano seconds. Be free. Yes, to be free.

SIL1 tells a story on Instagram. I smiled. Not that it didn’t mean anything. I’m more a reader than a visual person for one. I just… So I told her. I don’t go into Instagram because it makes me sad to see what I get to see, because I feel sad for the things I cannot do. So if I see one, I will logout. She went “Oh… No wonder”. You don’t have to wonder too far. The truth is in front of you. “Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”. Haha.

Somehow I feel a little disconnected this morning. Maybe I need more coffee. Or maybe I need time to stand by myself under a large shady tree for some time. Or sleep on my right looking at the sea under a big tree – without fire ants please.

Lagged time off work. Came late. Felt unwell with chest congestion. Paid month’s due this morning. Everything slow and steady.


Another cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go all into work. (After so many hours of clocking in. Oh, well. On some days, it happens.)


Do I really care about what people think? In a way, yes. But I really don’t care. But I do. Because I want people to know that I care. In my INFJ way which is really anal and a pain in everyone’s crack.

Am I alone? Yes. Do I feel lonely? I get to that every so often. Do I get depressed? I do, but not as deep into the core of the earth as I had been before.

I recently saw this video article about him surviving the Golden Bridge jump. He said he was lucky that although he was so sure about ending his life to make ease for everyone around him, he felt so scared as the jump took its course.

Now often at the edge of my mind after watching that video, that final second, that time when the soul is in its course to depart, it would’ve become the most confusing matter because you would know you could have made things better than to take your life in your own hands.

Yes, some days are hard to get by. But try changing your perspective. If often you look straight, tilt your head to a different degree and look at what you see – a new billboard, a bird perching on a tree, the leaves falling, someone else clearly having a terrible day than you, someone else ecstatic. They are all beauty. The small blessings that I see that makes me move because I feel that I’m moving, and present in that moment.

Do I care about you? Of course I do. I feel. And I will only do what I feel you need, not what you want. But there is only so much I can do for you because the rest of the journey is for you to learn to make your own path.


Turning Hearts

At 42, we should all be mature adults. But some things have not changed, apparently. Or maybe that is what my mind is cheating me into thinking.

I am making amends. For all things I asked, I can see it is turning into it now in front of my eyes. He is making me see the change because I am asking for everything to turn out to be good. And they are being shown to me.

So many other hearts maybe dissatisfied with my doing right now. But I can only satisfy my own. Knowing in my gut that I am responsible with what I say, what I do and what I decide. I take charge of me. And I am answerable to nobody.

Is that selfish? Or somewhat rigid? I don’t feel it. I only feel me.



So many thoughts has ran through my mind these days. Non of it was substantial enough for me to move on apparently. Perhaps apart from how wonderful this lipstick colour that I had thought hard about when buying it but how yellow my teeth show when I wear it. Should I or shouldn’t I put it on anymore? Maybe I can just stop smiling with my teeth out.

I need a way forward. I really need it.

Holiday plan.

The Equation

In my mind came rolling the memories of the people I used to know. The ones whom I had taken myself out of the equation. But one has been on replay for the pass bit of waking hour. Maybe I should talk about it.

No, I don’t need to. It evokes dull emotions. Aches and love, the like. They will soon pass as time has.

Let the settled dust remain. Put your face towards the wind and smell the ocean breeze. Fall asleep with it. Be full in this moment. Your moment. Be full and settled.

Look ahead, and pray they are blessed in their own lives. Pray that you all have good lives.

Jousting haystacks on needles

Sleep was bad last night. Work has been overworked. I draw the line between what I have to do and what I am unable to do. People are emotional. Men adapting like horrid aunts in manipulating words to just you. I don’t fucking care.

Have I been working late for weeks. Sorting out needles in haystacks. Tired. Handling people, projects and paperwork. I deserve my weekends and time off so you are not allowed to judge me. Maybe it’s just that you don’t have anything to do that you have time to point your 1 finger at other people.  Don’t forget you have the other 4 fingers pointing back at you dude.

With love,

Sleepless in the Office (And ultimately remain as an asshole)


The curse of INFJ

I am brash. Self critical. Self deny. Feeling unhappy is a constant cycle. Shout. Rage. Tempestuous. Ugly cry. Wall face. Fear to fall. Fearless when done. Inner conflict. Suffering. Guilt. Burden. Latching off. Independence. Numbness. Care. Love.

So much love. So much pain. So much guilt. Hate rejection. Hate hate.

Sitting duck.

Please come to bed with me, and place your hand over my head to keep me safe. Because I’m tired of this cycle.

I need to take a break from myself.

Paving your way through a struggle

It takes a while to begin something. Some can have abrupt ends. Some take time to end and hurt like hell when it does. But there is only one undeniable thing when it does; it gives you a new beginning.

You will learn to walk away from all the baggage labelled pain, regret, anger, worry etc that you’ve been hauling around. You will learn to sift through what you need and move on. This inner strength that makes you be decisive, able to say no, and not stay in the same form of cycle again.

The bend on the road can change. Sometimes it takes you to be the first one to pave its way.