Unease

How does one decide something when everything else are connected to making a decision?

This lag in holiday has been dragged yet once again. When there is light, suddenly it’s dull again. Too many times. So now in hope that when ideas are given in the family group, he would notice. He doesn’t. Dull ache.

The browser has multiple folders on. She doesn’t want to close them. Rates might rise. Areas would have to be shifted. Her responsibility would be for the kids. What does it matter anyway. He did tell her he might need to leave for work. So, go to a nearby hotel with facilities, and be off without him? What a holiday. She could have just arranged something earlier on for the kids without him in mind at all.

Now there are a few places to choose from. But she doesn’t know which one. Her children are not responding to how she wants them to, to help her decide. So she latches onto SIL1. She helps. She then tries to decide.

But she feels broken.

Yet once again. The browser is left as it was.

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The fits I get to get offline.

I spent days at work, nights with Sunshine running for book fairs and food. We have been unexpectedly slowly gearing up for school where we got stationery for half the price the shops would have charged us. Half the price for school revision books as well as mine. Adam got his aviation books at 60-70% off. But I am so upset with him right now.

Elliot has been confiscating my phone in the middle of the night to play his Pokemon. But he would leave them fully charged or somewhere near to it when I wake up in the morning, place it somewhere I can find it.

This morning however, both DH and I were still knocked out at 8:10am. (Un)fortunately today, he was still knocked out at 8:10 in the morning.

Fact: DH has this body clock that sets itself. So he rarely can ever sleep more than past 7:00am. Light sleeper too, will wake up at triggering sounds. Too bad for him. And he’s nice enough to let me sleep in whenever it is appropriate (lol).

But today, I woke up half surprised. I was trying to figure out what happened to the alarm. This was walking from bed to shower, to clothing myself. I couldn’t find my phone. Bedside, foot of the bed, bottom of the bed. I went straight to the boys’ room. It wasn’t anywhere on Elliot. But I found it on Adam’s bed. It was dead. My phone was dead. Elliot, who has similar sleeping pattern as his dad, woke up, “It wasn’t me; it was Adam”. Hastily I replied, “I know”.

So my mouth went on a light blabber rampage on the inconveniences I have been having with the boys. Even the day before, I brought them uniform shopping and Adam just refused to try for best sizing.

“Here, try 15” – Why?

“Just put them on” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably.

“Small, try 16” – I’ve put on the shirt on already just now.

“That was small. Try a slightly bigger size now.” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably. 2nd time.

Nonchalantly answering me with “I’ve tried it already just now… How many times do I have to try… No need to try another one, or this one again…”

This process went on… and he found one shirt he insisted on buying; a size 12 for 12 year old. He is 14. Okay. He insisted on not acquiring pants because he got a hands-me-down from a family friend that he said would suffice. Okay. He insisted on not getting shoes because he, “…Can still use the one from the last term”. Okay. Socks? Okay to buy. Underpants – No need. Singlet – No need. So only 2, size 12 top and 6 pairs of socks.

So late last night, after sewing names on the track bottoms and singlets, I asked him to put on the shirt he chose, with the pants he insisted would suffice. He looked like an overshot carrot with a James Dean top. I was flat lined. I think this is a common trait moms have. We get flat lined all the time. Like we know what the outcome would be, and then flat lined when it happens. Repeat.

Then when my husband comes from football, I had to repeat this 3 times.

“Adam refused to try properly and insisted on using the hand-me-down pants. I got him to try them on with his new shirt top. He looked ridiculous. So now, I’d have to run down back to the mall go get an exchange for the shirt and get him new pants.”

Him: Oh. It didn’t fit? Did you get the wrong size?

“He insisted on what he had chosen.” – me, talking about the shirt.

Him: Oh, so now you’d have to get him new pants?

“Yes, that too.”

Him: (Looking confused) Which one are we talking about?

I repeated.

Him: Oooh… It would be so even more dreadful if you’d have to change the tops you got him yesterday too.

Me, “Of course I have to change the tops,” eyes rolling.

Him: You mean the tops don’t fit?

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ME YELLING INTERNALLY – OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… – TO INFINITY AND BEYOND… It was like my brain was having multiple orgasm so bad that I just lay there on the bed and went offline.

So I now can see clearly how these to men connect. Genetically. Hmm. Well, that’s great news. I’m stuck with them FOREVER.

I have preempted Adam to:

  1. Don’t say no when I ask him to try something.
  2. Don’t make any mistake in choosing this next time, or he would be going to school wearing previous term’s fitting. With leg pants hanging almost half his calf.
  3. Just get whatever I tell him he should.

All he did was grin cheek to cheek.

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I told myself, let’s just put myself to bed. I just… Too much… Full RAM. I cannot anymore. And just stop everything for a while. Yeah.

But when I woke up so late, finding my dead phone on Adam’s bed…

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And at the end of the day from work, and thinking of how to get back home, pick him up, and drive back to change at the mall, it does bubble some resentment. With this sudden urge to poop too, so that doesn’t help at all. Also all of that and my boss just walked in at the end of the day.

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Let’s just see how this goes.

Can I add that my husband will finally be on leave and plans for a just us holiday, and he still doesn’t know where yet to go? It is just the day after tomorrow.

Good luck to me. I’m just so stuck with this.

Edited: Some sentences got delivered some other way that they missed the point. Maybe because I haven’t been able to get any of my men to the point, I’ve lost my way while writing this as well. Lol. Haih.

The Daily Post: Compass

Balancing hearts.

I took leave from the office and with medical leave that became a 5 day holiday for me. Feeling refreshed in a way to being Day 1 in the office today. I’ve made new friends and the bond has became tighter after this meet. Bonded.

For lunch today, I wish only time for myself. I’m not willing to spend my time for people who have no concern for themselves. I need noodles, fruits and smokes. Only thinking where the perfect spot would be.

Broken people find broken souls and they find solace to those whom has been broken before to get themselves fixed together. 

And so we found each other. We’ll get ourselves fixed together.

Guess what? Tomorrow is apparently a Public Holiday – YEAY!

 

And this is me today. 

I wish that our HR will stop asking for stupid things in this vast space of hundreds of people. Waste of time and effort with multiple papers flying around when all people want to do is to be paperless.

Annoyance aside…

The first thing I do when I see her, is hug her. Miss Brown has got this spot in me where she sees the same lines of black, white and gray as I. Her questions are never silly and I appreciate to be able to watch her bloom. Isn’t it always? The seed is in the ground and watch it grow, you straighten it every now and then and wait for it to bloom and flourish.

Each individual have their place in my garden. They bloom and flourish in the their own way. Sometimes they need a break, mind space, heart space, room to talk and someone to just be present to listen to their rants.

Miss Brown listens. And she listened to my story, to the one I broke down on. How I told my mother that I would ready to leave if need be just because living without him when he is near is no different that how it was when we divorced 5 years ago. Just keep sending the kids’ expenses like how it was and you don’t have to commit your life with me. It gets easier when life is kept simple.

The thought of other friends came through. Or people who only sought for me when they need to only.

I don’t let the thought of it bother me. They needed help and I was sincere to help them. Whatever they decide thereon after, to leave most usually, then go. I have done my part and I let go so I don’t get hurt. I let go so I don’t become emotional. I let go so I can forgive and move on with my life.

You know, there are a million things I could do for myself. But it all depends whether I want to do/allow them or not. Like being wounded for other people’s bad decision making i.e. make me feel used, invisible, etc. So I let it pass because I think God put me at the right time and situation for them. It is their decision and responsibility to build/re-build/maintain what can be built.

So I want to put my yesterday’s miseries somewhere. I just wanna walk away because I’m just f*cking tired to even be within an inch of it. Too many other things that I have to clear and I have no freaking time to let anything else pull me down.

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And this is me today. To being alert and honking at self for self-check.

The Daily Post: Honk

Sunshine, Eden and Sue.

I went on a trip where I was really just apprehensive before leaving for. Internally I was telling myself that it was something I needed but at the same time I was convinced the plane would fall with me in it (Not that I’ve never flown before. It’s just that each time I’m about to menstruate I feel like it’s my last departure at life. I know…). And when I went on it, I wasn’t sure if I did let go and let live myself with it.

There are things that I’m amazed with afterwards. It’s this connection with 3 other random people whom I met up only once for a 2-day external training last year. We literally went into a group chat just a month before the trip. The chemistry works I guess. And I’m like, now wondering how easily we were in underwear, t-shirts, bra-less, even one went to the loo next to me while I doing my eyebrows over the sink.

Why did I go through it feeling fuzzy? Hey dear self, please don’t be so blur within yourself please.

Okay let me draw it out like Dumbledore does to pull out his memories.

  1. I had to trust myself that I’m good with whatever was decided on.
  2. To stop and enjoy whatever cultural things they had on, to go peer and discover.
  3. I had to decide which material that I saw I liked best and wanted to bring home.

So I only brought back 4 food items and several pieces of material. Sunshine on the other hand, burst own baggage and we had to purchase check-in baggage.

This was hilarious enough for me because I packed for both of us. Light stuffs in backpack, heavy ones in the package to check in. Mine would all fit into my backpack and cabin luggage. So a few hours before leaving for the airport, Sunshine decided she needed to visit the nearby culture street around the hotel. Off we went and she came back with and extra 2kgs of things that… imposed the penalty for having an excess of 1.5kg for the check-in luggage.

Note: She warned me about to not bring back anything because she has not intention whatsoever to buy check-in luggage. OKAY Sunshine…

Another Note: We had to buy check-in luggage the night before.

Sunshine is just rearing to go. She has already set another place for us to go in a few months. I appreciate her transparency. So I to told her, “Don’t be buying yourself anything now coz we ain’t buying any check-in luggage for that trip!” Sheepish is a word. She has her sight set on kitchenware. I have no idea.

So did I enjoy myself? I suppose so. I let myself do whatever I felt like. I burned easily like Eden with all sensitive skin. Together we waited under trees for Sue and Sunshine jumping all over under the sun at noon. I suppose we are just, take it as we are.

DH didn’t try to call me throughout my entire trip. Neither did I. I didn’t feel like it (insert outburst laughter here). I think he was trying to give me the time respect as I have been giving him for his whatevers. He made time for the kids, brought them to the supermarket, dinner and I’m thankful for that. Maybe I need to do this more often then? And he has since began calling me at random times again. I suppose that’s a good thing. *muah muah*

Sunshine, Eden and Sue. These new people will definitely be somewhere in my future. Hopefully, for a very long time.

 

Not too sure what to title this with.

Today was a little frazzled. No, not really. The days before was.

  1. I got hit from back by a car on the way to work. The person (Mr E [get it? Mystery -LOL]) who hit me was quite quick to solve the matters but I dragged it because I kept second guessing myself with the decisions I was making. DH literally just left it for me to solve it on my own. So ‘my own’ had 2 of her colleagues help her think through from morning until late in the day.
  2. Sent the car to the workshop and got the car back within a day. DH said he would help me out to get the car back from the workshop but it was just ‘intent’. “He’s a jerk,” was on repeat as I go about my day and night.
  3. Luckily Mr E offered to send the car to me. I told him that I am worried that DH won’t make it back on time that it’ll be an inconvenience for everyone i.e. the workshop, himself, me etc. But sending back the car to me proved to me an inconvenience for Mr E and wife as they sped on full speed leaving my place after.
  4. He came back sheepishly saying he’s “Sooooooorrry….” I replied, “I’m used to it.” If only he gets sarcasm. But he’s a goat. He doesn’t really get sarcasm. But when he does, hell breaks lose!

That song “He’s a jerk” is still going repeatedly in my head and I have no idea how to stop it. I am asking myself why I married him the second time? It’s not that I don’t understand that he loves challenging jobs, but it’s we’re all tired. I’m tired of this dormitory relationship like. I’m sick of putting my hands up and eat myself away because I feel like sh*t inside. I’m out of ideas what to do with the kids. Most of the time I know I’m a sh*tty mom.

I know I just can’t make of it. I become disabled and in nothingness when I just dismiss it. At this point, how he had abandoned me to settle the whole accident by myself, has brought me to this other level of not too sure what of inside. I’m just clearly pissed with this situation. Then why would I need a man if I am taking care of things myself?

So anyway, I’m going on a trip tomorrow. Just by myself. I think I deserve it. Even if it is for over the weekend.

 

 

This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.