Jousting haystacks on needles

Sleep was bad last night. Work has been overworked. I draw the line between what I have to do and what I am unable to do. People are emotional. Men adapting like horrid aunts in manipulating words to just you. I don’t fucking care.

Have I been working late for weeks. Sorting out needles in haystacks. Tired. Handling people, projects and paperwork. I deserve my weekends and time off so you are not allowed to judge me. Maybe it’s just that you don’t have anything to do that you have time to point your 1 finger at other people.  Don’t forget you have the other 4 fingers pointing back at you dude.

With love,

Sleepless in the Office (And ultimately remain as an asshole)

 

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The curse of INFJ

I am brash. Self critical. Self deny. Feeling unhappy is a constant cycle. Shout. Rage. Tempestuous. Ugly cry. Wall face. Fear to fall. Fearless when done. Inner conflict. Suffering. Guilt. Burden. Latching off. Independence. Numbness. Care. Love.

So much love. So much pain. So much guilt. Hate rejection. Hate hate.

Sitting duck.

Please come to bed with me, and place your hand over my head to keep me safe. Because I’m tired of this cycle.

I need to take a break from myself.

Paving your way through a struggle

It takes a while to begin something. Some can have abrupt ends. Some take time to end and hurt like hell when it does. But there is only one undeniable thing when it does; it gives you a new beginning.

You will learn to walk away from all the baggage labelled pain, regret, anger, worry etc that you’ve been hauling around. You will learn to sift through what you need and move on. This inner strength that makes you be decisive, able to say no, and not stay in the same form of cycle again.

The bend on the road can change. Sometimes it takes you to be the first one to pave its way.

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Shocking pink it is

Breakfast was tasteless. Maybe because I didn’t make it myself – bought from the cafe when made delivery. What a statement, because I didn’t make it myself. Lol. I don’t care. A bit thoughtless this morning. Towards myself. It could have been triggered by this morning’s incident.

So I delivered Cafe’s order of traditional cakes. Then this happened:

Jay: Hey, you have the cakes to sell? Can I see? (She sees) Can I have the little green ones?

Me: Cafe’s. For meetings today.

She nods and presses. “Do you have anymore in the car?” I tell her where to get it.    (Note: I supply them to my office floor on daily basis) She took 5 and stood next to me when this transpired between me and the Cafe Man.

He hands me the money of the transaction for 2 boxes of traditional cakes, Type A and B.

Cafe Man: I thought your mom said there will only be Type A, because Type B didn’t quite make?

Me: Huh?

He shares me the message my mom sent to him earlier this morning about Type B; it didn’t come of product so only the other will be given to him.

Me: So, what do you want to do with it? I am just delivering.

Then Cafe Man’s mobile rang – my mom was calling. I left mine in the car, she tried calling me first. They spoke. Cafe Man hands over his mobile.

My Mom: Tell Cafe Man to discard. The product’s not good. Ask him to not use it.

The line wasn’t good. She couldn’t hear. She kept saying my name. I began yelling. I must’ve been some rude daughter there, especially when my mom suddenly paused and said, “*eerie pause* OK”. Sigh.

Jay: Eh so the Type B didn’t make it, did it? (with doe-y eyes)

Me: Yeah (and began walking away)

Jay: So, it was too soft for serving, aye?

Me: (Really walking away) Sometimes it happens, yes.

Jay kept talking and I kept walking away while talking to myself loudly.

Thank you Jay. For this validation, that yes, after this brief reassessment (lol), it was never wrong of judgement on how annoying you have been from the early days of us being colleagues.

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Seriously now. What is the answer or outcome that you want to have from that menial prodding? You’re so nosy (cuss word inserted here). And you’ll never find out what panty colour I have on today.

It’s shocking pink by the way. Lol.

 

For the life and love for this INFJ. 

Strength is not an easy thing to achieve. But you have to work on it. It takes effort. Then, it would take time. However, you fall back on effort; because you don’t have the fire to burn it for yourself. Every so often also you will self-sabotage causing further unnecessary pain. So you wallow, feel the lack of love and start to eat anything and everything that comes in your way. You do know you have yourself to blame. Until it gets to the time you know you deserve to feel happy.

It falls flat. This new realisation comes when daily life is so busy that you have no time to think for yourself; having to make quick, clever decisions and get done to get on with something else. Yes, it will be loathed. There will be a lot of cursing and telling as well as reminding yourself and everyone else about their stupidity as it goes. But you, get through the day. You, would have achieved something. You, would in the end feel purposeful and done good.

Papers strewn all over. Workstation is acceptable clean and organised but not at the standard of national clean and tidy or normalcy. But they are workable. 3 types of 3 things that reminds you of who you are and allow a glimmer of smile at the edge of you heart on mundane days. You always know there is something you can settle. Even that can of soda that has been sitting on the workstation for over a year has meaning, just because it’s more soothing to look at than to drink it because it will finish and become trash.

There are also days you need to write first before you can work. Eat first, read the news and gossip first, coffee first… those are you little factors.

Happiness, picked up in tiny spaces, little things. Kisses on the forehead, rubbing nose with the cat, purple lipstick, olive green eyeliner, the colour of fabric hanging on the liners. Little things. Little things matter. You matter. It will rain, there will be sunshine and flowers. There will be a rainbow. Hang in there. You know you love yourself, only sometimes you forget how, and how to get back into the cycle. But you know you really do love yourself. Never compromise of how important you are, especially with yourself.

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The Daily Prompt: RestartAbove | Messy | Fabric | Typical | Branch | Fact | Uncompromising

 

This constant struggle, is ugly.

In all fogginess I have lost myself. Little struggles. Refusal to be blindsided so I chose to stop looking. The difference in me treading along now is it is easier now than it was before. Letting go is easier. But I owe you an apology for being so…

I know my entries has been sporadically too high or too low. Each time I tell myself I have mental health issues, I realize that I am just an unhappy INFJ. And this unhappiness is common. I try not to wonder why but it helps to realign me back into some kind of perspective after re-realizing unhappy INFJ. Not just a figment of my own imagination.

So yesterday morning, I had this sudden this tap water flowing cry out of no apparent reason. They just kept coming and coming. In the office. Breakdown. Tissues encrusted all over me. It was sobbing cry, close to being to the ugly cry. I was missing friends. And after months of silence, I lunched with the beautiful Ms Brown.

“I think I’m sad. I’ve been sad for a looong time,” I said as my eyes glazed over the restaurant window.

She looked onto me, just pouring with emotion. Momentarily shaking her head. “But you can’t live it unhappy. You shouldn’t have to go through the same thing again. You deserve good.”

Yes, Ms Brown. You are right. My astral movements has been off the charts. You are asking me to go through the exercises I asked you to do when you were going through your rough patch. You are also making me yearn for savoury food and a whole lot of chicken requirement in my diet. And smoked salmon.

Just one step at a time. I will congregate with the rest of the human race and sort myself out again. Even when my own imagination can’t put myself there.

This wallowing is comforting. Yes, I know it’s bad for me. Such fear to find the courage again. To be okay without having the need for validation. Fearsome.

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The Daily Prompt: Courage | Compromise | Constant | Encrusted |Conversant | Astral | Congregate | Imagination

The First Step

Finances.

We really suck at it. I got a slap on the face when my mobile line was barred today. Haih.

So I have been reviewing expenses. The fault where it is, is the personal loan that I took taking a chunk of my paycheck to pay it off. It will still go on forever based on the phone call I made to the bank – June 2025; 7 long years to go. Adam would probably by then, already be finishing university; and I’d be as old as I would be, still paying them off.

Then it is the paying off the car. I would actually like to know when that will end.

After a 6 hour gap of calling everything and every other thing… Everything will end beyond 4 years from now. Churns the stomach to see how all will end in the 2020s. No refinancing is available for all the loans taken, and I’m just stuck with the awesome figures to play with until the end of time (or so it feels like it).

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I just feel so… Okay… I’m gonna go… and cry now…