This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

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Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
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Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |

Passing

I had migraine last night. Every time I fall asleep, I would wake up coughing and be burping continuously for 1-5 minutes before finally falling asleep. So last night’s was longer. I was already burping so much out before and after taking some paracetamol for the headache. It helped reduce the headache. Tiring process.

There is still some balance of the headache this morning. Pouring into the right side of the head. But I got things done. Only now, I don’t know where my phone is. I left it somewhere. With Elliot having used my phone before, it is usually left with WiFi on, location on, sometimes data off, media sound so loud and ringtone set to silent. So, there is no way I can know where it is right now.

So there has also been 3 deaths within 10 days. Roslyn died of cancer and we have not seen her for years after she left the office to join another. It was by her request that no one should know where she is. Her boss was nice enough to inform us of her illness and her wish to be respected of privacy while seeking treatment.

Then Sue passed away recent Thursday from lung infection. Sue was a breast cancer survivor but we found that illness after illness entailed her then on since 2013.

On Saturday night, Ayman passed on from prostate cancer that stopped in August, then suddenly jolted back again up until his lungs. When he died, the cancer was 30cm pushing his organs and his heart.

To think that all my father’s siblings has died from cancer. Meningitis, throat. One is a cancer survivor. One has removed her uterus. One has just been detected of a possible brain tumor.

I can’t really condense all this.

I can’t believe I just ruined my own mind this morning.

Libra. Cannot. Process.

Taking care of a Libra is really tiresome for me. Out of patience. I feel like I have to constantly whip their calves to get them to see things straight.

So last night Adam reminds me of the school band performance taking place in town centre today. He has to be in school by 5.45AM and so should wake up by 4.30AM. I asked him prepare all things as soon as he can. All the gloves that we just bought and have his uniform ready as well as everything else with a bag. And water bottle as well. It was well received.

I asked him to turn in early but he kept bothering me into the night. “I’m not sleepy” with red eyes. Aih. I remind him again and again about bathing, ready things for tomorrow and sleeping early. Repeat.

I woke him up. It took 15 minutes to wake him up. And so he treads the room with feet stomp stating flatly WHERE IS THE TOWEL. I wanted to respond EVERYTHING IS ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU but that would not be the greatest thing to do.

He got ready. I waited in the car. He came and we drove to the drive-thru for his breakfast.

“Did you bring your gloves?”

“Oh I left them at home”

“Why did you leave them?”

“You were rushing me”

“I thought I told you to pack them all; put them in a bag”

“No, you didn’t. You told me to everything aside. Aside is not asking to put them in the bag. You didn’t.”

“Quit turning my words around. I told uou already last night to get them ready”

“You didn’t ask me to put them in the bag”

“Aw come on be logical”

He gets off the car and slams the door. By then we have reached the house again for his gloves. Fumes. Fuming Mommy.

He gets in again.

“You are so rude. So out of line. This will be your LAST performance with the band.”

“What sre you talking about? Are you (for real) sure?”

“Dead on sure. So here I am trying to get you sorted and I’m getting anything out of this, but you being ungrateful and talking back at me. No more.”

He asked me again when we got to the school. I remained.

The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. I just cannot process all the over dramatization drama required just to support what he loves. Doing something that you love but you keep blaming other people for the thing. Heh.

We haven’t had time with each other.

Tired of him not letting me know if he is coming home. In taking care of my own heart, I can’t bring myself to ask him at night if he will be home, or if he will be around over the weekend. The last time I checked, I got a TIA from missing him and all of the above. Sweet irony, isn’t it all?

So the household is back in tonight. I haven’t seen any of them. I fell asleep on the sofa. Then the kids started fighting over for the phone and woke me up.

Adam has this control and possess issue; Elliot is the second child. So Adam hogs on the phone constantly that when this other boy whom had been waiting so ever patiently until the end of the night and finally gets it, Adam shouts at him about it must be charged and not touched. Aih.

I cannot brain this. My manipulation skill is basic. Their smarts have been a level above of outsmarting me. It takes their dad one time to get them bathing or anything else.

So earlier tonight, I kept asking Adam to bathe. Excuses as usual. I showered, pulled my stuff and told them I’m going out for ice cream – Elliot and Talullah can follow but not Adam. I didn’t get him anything.

“You don’t listen to me. So why should I listen or consider you for anything? Respect goes both ways.”

I think he finally got it tonight. (You can always blackmail him with food LOL. Aih.) And DH is still not back. I shall not wait since Donnie’s home. Donnie can open the door if he does.

No Idea

For some reason, I had been coaxed by my baby sister to do dropship.

Drop shipping is a supply chain management method in which the retailer does not keep goods in stock but instead transfers customer orders and shipment details to either the manufacturer, another retailer, or a wholesaler, who then ships the goods directly to the customer.

So whimsically I saw a product with a celebrity’s name on it and just paid some dollars for the dropshipping rights. But what we all don’t know is the struggle handling the overall social media for me.  More on the visceral gripping of groping for attention.

I have a site of jewelry of my own, and cookies/cakes page of my mom’s but I can never grasp the handling of the social media. It’s all taxing with taking photos and loading and loading and posting and no response from the public except one or two likes. Seriously, I was lucky that the Mothership (the main stockist) carries an additional 7-9 brand names that I am able to market them all for them. However, I find that all the other products are more to my liking than of the celebrity’s.

Marketing, is going to the market for me. So marketing it on social media, is tiring. Because it’s daunting. For me. I’m a Lurch. Or a Wednesday. Not the extroverted Gomez Addams. We just sit back and observe. Completely hands off doing the work to gain any attention.

So how am I supposed to get the people in to ooze the juice?

No idea.