2019: Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

You’ve thrown yourself in much sorrow this year. Constant sadness that drowns anyone else along the way, so you don’t want to share them for the fear that you might. They may swim away from you. All you fear is the abandonment. The rejection.

Feel all of this now please. Be with it for a while. Because you will leave it all behind in 2019. Move forward. Find inspirations. Have aspirations. Be in sync with passion (although you must find it first).

I love you more than you know. You always feel you are undeserving of such love. Such selfless self who gives more than you should.

So you deserve that comedy show booking that you will find some time. You also deserve that concert and that holiday you’re regretting to have paid for already. You deserve to be pushed. That’s all you need, because you need to be free.

Be free. Forgive other people for the things they didn’t know any better of. Remember the good people and experiences you had. Remember the depression and how you climbed out of it. Remember the self-pity and internal cries of ignored you are (although it is really self-inflicted); and how you’re going to be free from.

You will be free. One step at a time.

I hope you’ll enjoy 2020, in all fears that you have.

Love.

2019

Somehow I feel melancholy.

I always get this. But it stopped after a while, when I took a break of my own mind to be in life, travelling to Japan.

It seems to be slowly seeping back in. Was it Philip Phillips renditions that brought me to it? Well, it could be. So would Sia. As how honest I feel Selena Gomez can be too.

I need a new project. Before I slip back into dark mode, which doesn’t have to be. But it’s inevitable. Just waiting for time before it happens again.

To think that 2019 has been repressed for me, for not seeing how long I’ve pushed down feeling sad and therefore depressed for a very long period of time. Perhaps, this was the longest leg I’ve ever experienced. Most raw and honest as it could be. Because I spent this year and a part of 2018, feeling very abandoned until the inner most core of me.

This was the year when people who I had always felt dear to heart, discarded me so obviously. Just smack right up. Not just by one person, but 3 of the dearest ones I hold in me throughout my lifetime.

This was also the year that emotionally I piled up and immersed myself under much sadness of being abandoned by my spouse for not having time for me. It led to feeling inadequate for the partner, vice versa; with a lot of other negative and positive thoughts. More to not thinking, numbing the hurt. Closing the wound. Regauzing wound. It just, made me drone myself further into the invisible buzz in my head.

I had lost interest in working. Not wanting to get out of bed. It got harder each day. Very limited tolerance level where I’m at a point of just walking off when nonsense is present. Began hating people and seeing most of them as idiots.

50% of the thoughts had always been innate in me. Only to have them out of proportion is out of my own substance. I knew I was a changed person. The best part of all was me writing to a confession forum anonymously to realize that I had been down for a long time. For being in it for so long, it is still taking me slowly to change the flow.

I don’t know if I feel blessed for this year. I have perhaps, taken more than I’ve given. Possibly, don’t deserve this fair goodness of being out of sadness. I haven’t been fair to me. Now I must learn to know what I want. I can’t always be okay with whatever it is in the ‘now’ and what could possibly be in the future.

Japan was good to break my cycle, although I learnt once again what a jerk he can be. How much easily in denial I can be. Why I love him still, and why he can still make me giggle like a school girl; I can never know. I was really frustrated being with him. It’s like, everything in our lives must be lived separated.

But life’s like that. You get what you give.

I have been taught only by the best to that way. He trained for us to live without him. He trains himself to live without us.

And this is us, living without you. We only learn from the best. In all happiness, sadness and loneliness.

A lot of loneliness.

If only he knows how my heart looks like, because I can’t transcribe how it is in words. And love remains. Just because, I deserve some space to have my party of bubbles around without having anyone or anything bursting them without my consent.

I learnt again, that I must love myself.

And that, I must.

My Own Visibility

Today, this morning. I feel like I’m slightly out of my life, looking at it as a purview of something else. Taking my life in a glace to see the meaning of it. How if the way I feel it can be validated as it is. Something only what an INFJ could make sense of.

My life isn’t pathetic. It’s a trying life. Trying of balance. Trying of giving and being. Trying to not fall apart. Trying not to be broken. Trying not to be too strong. Trying not to indulge. Trying not to expect. Trying not to give too much.

When there are most days like this as you live them by…

Expectation is something that can break you. Leave it behind – far behind. Move a step and celebrate it. Celebrate each step, yes.

I talk more with my kids. They talk more with me. My teenage sons will hold my hand and wrap me in their arms even if we walk in public. My daughter gives and knows when to stop.

I’m grateful.

So many so many so many things.

Soon there will be a time where DH has to be away for a few months again. I must remind myself not to wallow, be sad – because being sad was the trigger of my illnesses.

Dear Self,

Listen to Khalid. Sing to Sam White. Scream with Kurt and Freddie. Laugh like you’re watching Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. See each scene like it was in Hangover and White Chicks. Close your eyes, take long breaths and feel the beach.

You’ll get by. Just one day at a time.

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You have, after all, learnt to take care of others and managed to take care of yourself too. So,good job to learning something progressive.

I know there are days where the emotions are lack of. But those days are alright. Nothing more than a few days to wallow. There’s nothing that coffee and green tea can’t fix; and Lindt Hazelnut Dark Chocolate Bars too, of course.

Now, now. Pat yourself on the back. “OK”.

I know you’re sleepy and miserable from the over a week long PMS without actual bleeding already. You’ll get by. Had your oat, now go make a nice something-something for yourself.

Update: Finally the period came. About an hour after posting this.

Reblog: What I Want

https://infjramblings.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/what-i-want/

I’ve been circling around this. This wonderment of stagnant life squareness that it can be. You just stand there and suck everything else in. Encapsulated in what bubble wrap, where each bubble contains every single type of emotion, that I had been in all week since the beginning of December. Apparently I had over-peopled myself, which now makes complete sense to me. 

My heart seeks for a hidden coffeeshop with a lot of plants that I can hideaway tucked behind them with the mist fan all over me. Or somewhere I can walk in with my slippers and a big hat over my head that wouldn’t be matching anything else I have on, just because that hat makes me happy. And arms with many casings of slushies and hot coffee because the two opposite things make me happy – it doesn’t matter whether I’d finish them. Although I’d feel sorry that I would be wasting resources that other could possibly use well.

I was so wayward with everything yesterday, I drove myself out for lunch alone. Didn’t have a direction so my path changes as the traffic goes. Switching lanes, dumbfounded but moving along. I found myself in a hotel restaurant and ordered myself the best steak ever. It was for me. As the last bite was taken, myself settled. It was, “OK”. 

The one that fixed me. I’ll probably run back to this place whenever I need fixing again. So much for no direction driving. 

Time. I need them. I hope I get away from idiots today. Lol. So many of them. But nothing an INFJ asshole (lol true) like me can’t handle – unless they completely drain me out. Let’s hope it won’t be the latter.

My bucket daisies with butterflies

A colleague of mine, is a compassionate man. Willing to listen, able to get what you’re saying in a stressed situation, and witty. Many times I feel drawn to him. He often give me the attention that I need. Often the unseen one that some may find meaningless or petty, but is important for me. He makes time for everyone, in person or online, which in return people appreciate and feel important. And of course, I feel that validation too.

I have always wondered how comfortable he is around a person. The vibes. His spirit is intelligent and free. There is no barrier when he is working close with me. I find it very refreshing. He’s like a bucket of daisies with butterflies kind of comfort to me. It is intriguing.

So one day, I stumbled upon this photo in social media. Him, in a family group photo where 95% were women. Then so I understood – Why his spirit is free and comfortable around me and other female colleagues.

He takes care of all the women in his life. A mother, wife and sisters to look after, every more the responsibility is on his shoulders since his father passed some years ago. He does his own ironing, and he ferries his children around to school in the morning and weekends. For me, he is the epitome of how a real man should be. He is all that and still manage to be the bucket of daisies and butterflies for me, what more of a person he is to his wife and family?

I hope God will protect him and people alike him. Just because we need to have someone like him around our lives, if not at least, at one point of our life.

 

Slow and steady, woman. Yeehaw.

I managed time to spend with SIL1 last night. We walked into Starbucks and suddenly the water leaked at the bottom so that’s how my Americano got to be Java Chip – they ran out of hot water, so I could have anything else but something hot.

For all the worst of things, I feel is the struggle within me. Wanting to be motivated, wanting to complete something easily without the hyperspace deep thought to untangle yards of yarn in nano seconds. Be free. Yes, to be free.

SIL1 tells a story on Instagram. I smiled. Not that it didn’t mean anything. I’m more a reader than a visual person for one. I just… So I told her. I don’t go into Instagram because it makes me sad to see what I get to see, because I feel sad for the things I cannot do. So if I see one, I will logout. She went “Oh… No wonder”. You don’t have to wonder too far. The truth is in front of you. “Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”. Haha.

Somehow I feel a little disconnected this morning. Maybe I need more coffee. Or maybe I need time to stand by myself under a large shady tree for some time. Or sleep on my right looking at the sea under a big tree – without fire ants please.

Lagged time off work. Came late. Felt unwell with chest congestion. Paid month’s due this morning. Everything slow and steady.

slow-steady

Another cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go all into work. (After so many hours of clocking in. Oh, well. On some days, it happens.)

Crack

Do I really care about what people think? In a way, yes. But I really don’t care. But I do. Because I want people to know that I care. In my INFJ way which is really anal and a pain in everyone’s crack.

Am I alone? Yes. Do I feel lonely? I get to that every so often. Do I get depressed? I do, but not as deep into the core of the earth as I had been before.

I recently saw this video article about him surviving the Golden Bridge jump. He said he was lucky that although he was so sure about ending his life to make ease for everyone around him, he felt so scared as the jump took its course.

Now often at the edge of my mind after watching that video, that final second, that time when the soul is in its course to depart, it would’ve become the most confusing matter because you would know you could have made things better than to take your life in your own hands.

Yes, some days are hard to get by. But try changing your perspective. If often you look straight, tilt your head to a different degree and look at what you see – a new billboard, a bird perching on a tree, the leaves falling, someone else clearly having a terrible day than you, someone else ecstatic. They are all beauty. The small blessings that I see that makes me move because I feel that I’m moving, and present in that moment.

Do I care about you? Of course I do. I feel. And I will only do what I feel you need, not what you want. But there is only so much I can do for you because the rest of the journey is for you to learn to make your own path.

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