This constant struggle, is ugly.

In all fogginess I have lost myself. Little struggles. Refusal to be blindsided so I chose to stop looking. The difference in me treading along now is it is easier now than it was before. Letting go is easier. But I owe you an apology for being so…

I know my entries has been sporadically too high or too low. Each time I tell myself I have mental health issues, I realize that I am just an unhappy INFJ. And this unhappiness is common. I try not to wonder why but it helps to realign me back into some kind of perspective after re-realizing unhappy INFJ. Not just a figment of my own imagination.

So yesterday morning, I had this sudden this tap water flowing cry out of no apparent reason. They just kept coming and coming. In the office. Breakdown. Tissues encrusted all over me. It was sobbing cry, close to being to the ugly cry. I was missing friends. And after months of silence, I lunched with the beautiful Ms Brown.

“I think I’m sad. I’ve been sad for a looong time,” I said as my eyes glazed over the restaurant window.

She looked onto me, just pouring with emotion. Momentarily shaking her head. “But you can’t live it unhappy. You shouldn’t have to go through the same thing again. You deserve good.”

Yes, Ms Brown. You are right. My astral movements has been off the charts. You are asking me to go through the exercises I asked you to do when you were going through your rough patch. You are also making me yearn for savoury food and a whole lot of chicken requirement in my diet. And smoked salmon.

Just one step at a time. I will congregate with the rest of the human race and sort myself out again. Even when my own imagination can’t put myself there.

This wallowing is comforting. Yes, I know it’s bad for me. Such fear to find the courage again. To be okay without having the need for validation. Fearsome.

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The Daily Prompt: Courage | Compromise | Constant | Encrusted |Conversant | Astral | Congregate | Imagination

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Balancing hearts.

I took leave from the office and with medical leave that became a 5 day holiday for me. Feeling refreshed in a way to being Day 1 in the office today. I’ve made new friends and the bond has became tighter after this meet. Bonded.

For lunch today, I wish only time for myself. I’m not willing to spend my time for people who have no concern for themselves. I need noodles, fruits and smokes. Only thinking where the perfect spot would be.

Broken people find broken souls and they find solace to those whom has been broken before to get themselves fixed together. 

And so we found each other. We’ll get ourselves fixed together.

Guess what? Tomorrow is apparently a Public Holiday – YEAY!

 

And this is me today. 

I wish that our HR will stop asking for stupid things in this vast space of hundreds of people. Waste of time and effort with multiple papers flying around when all people want to do is to be paperless.

Annoyance aside…

The first thing I do when I see her, is hug her. Miss Brown has got this spot in me where she sees the same lines of black, white and gray as I. Her questions are never silly and I appreciate to be able to watch her bloom. Isn’t it always? The seed is in the ground and watch it grow, you straighten it every now and then and wait for it to bloom and flourish.

Each individual have their place in my garden. They bloom and flourish in the their own way. Sometimes they need a break, mind space, heart space, room to talk and someone to just be present to listen to their rants.

Miss Brown listens. And she listened to my story, to the one I broke down on. How I told my mother that I would ready to leave if need be just because living without him when he is near is no different that how it was when we divorced 5 years ago. Just keep sending the kids’ expenses like how it was and you don’t have to commit your life with me. It gets easier when life is kept simple.

The thought of other friends came through. Or people who only sought for me when they need to only.

I don’t let the thought of it bother me. They needed help and I was sincere to help them. Whatever they decide thereon after, to leave most usually, then go. I have done my part and I let go so I don’t get hurt. I let go so I don’t become emotional. I let go so I can forgive and move on with my life.

You know, there are a million things I could do for myself. But it all depends whether I want to do/allow them or not. Like being wounded for other people’s bad decision making i.e. make me feel used, invisible, etc. So I let it pass because I think God put me at the right time and situation for them. It is their decision and responsibility to build/re-build/maintain what can be built.

So I want to put my yesterday’s miseries somewhere. I just wanna walk away because I’m just f*cking tired to even be within an inch of it. Too many other things that I have to clear and I have no freaking time to let anything else pull me down.

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And this is me today. To being alert and honking at self for self-check.

The Daily Post: Honk

Sunshine, Eden and Sue.

I went on a trip where I was really just apprehensive before leaving for. Internally I was telling myself that it was something I needed but at the same time I was convinced the plane would fall with me in it (Not that I’ve never flown before. It’s just that each time I’m about to menstruate I feel like it’s my last departure at life. I know…). And when I went on it, I wasn’t sure if I did let go and let live myself with it.

There are things that I’m amazed with afterwards. It’s this connection with 3 other random people whom I met up only once for a 2-day external training last year. We literally went into a group chat just a month before the trip. The chemistry works I guess. And I’m like, now wondering how easily we were in underwear, t-shirts, bra-less, even one went to the loo next to me while I doing my eyebrows over the sink.

Why did I go through it feeling fuzzy? Hey dear self, please don’t be so blur within yourself please.

Okay let me draw it out like Dumbledore does to pull out his memories.

  1. I had to trust myself that I’m good with whatever was decided on.
  2. To stop and enjoy whatever cultural things they had on, to go peer and discover.
  3. I had to decide which material that I saw I liked best and wanted to bring home.

So I only brought back 4 food items and several pieces of material. Sunshine on the other hand, burst own baggage and we had to purchase check-in baggage.

This was hilarious enough for me because I packed for both of us. Light stuffs in backpack, heavy ones in the package to check in. Mine would all fit into my backpack and cabin luggage. So a few hours before leaving for the airport, Sunshine decided she needed to visit the nearby culture street around the hotel. Off we went and she came back with and extra 2kgs of things that… imposed the penalty for having an excess of 1.5kg for the check-in luggage.

Note: She warned me about to not bring back anything because she has not intention whatsoever to buy check-in luggage. OKAY Sunshine…

Another Note: We had to buy check-in luggage the night before.

Sunshine is just rearing to go. She has already set another place for us to go in a few months. I appreciate her transparency. So I to told her, “Don’t be buying yourself anything now coz we ain’t buying any check-in luggage for that trip!” Sheepish is a word. She has her sight set on kitchenware. I have no idea.

So did I enjoy myself? I suppose so. I let myself do whatever I felt like. I burned easily like Eden with all sensitive skin. Together we waited under trees for Sue and Sunshine jumping all over under the sun at noon. I suppose we are just, take it as we are.

DH didn’t try to call me throughout my entire trip. Neither did I. I didn’t feel like it (insert outburst laughter here). I think he was trying to give me the time respect as I have been giving him for his whatevers. He made time for the kids, brought them to the supermarket, dinner and I’m thankful for that. Maybe I need to do this more often then? And he has since began calling me at random times again. I suppose that’s a good thing. *muah muah*

Sunshine, Eden and Sue. These new people will definitely be somewhere in my future. Hopefully, for a very long time.

 

This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
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Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |