Unease

How does one decide something when everything else are connected to making a decision?

This lag in holiday has been dragged yet once again. When there is light, suddenly it’s dull again. Too many times. So now in hope that when ideas are given in the family group, he would notice. He doesn’t. Dull ache.

The browser has multiple folders on. She doesn’t want to close them. Rates might rise. Areas would have to be shifted. Her responsibility would be for the kids. What does it matter anyway. He did tell her he might need to leave for work. So, go to a nearby hotel with facilities, and be off without him? What a holiday. She could have just arranged something earlier on for the kids without him in mind at all.

Now there are a few places to choose from. But she doesn’t know which one. Her children are not responding to how she wants them to, to help her decide. So she latches onto SIL1. She helps. She then tries to decide.

But she feels broken.

Yet once again. The browser is left as it was.

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The fits I get to get offline.

I spent days at work, nights with Sunshine running for book fairs and food. We have been unexpectedly slowly gearing up for school where we got stationery for half the price the shops would have charged us. Half the price for school revision books as well as mine. Adam got his aviation books at 60-70% off. But I am so upset with him right now.

Elliot has been confiscating my phone in the middle of the night to play his Pokemon. But he would leave them fully charged or somewhere near to it when I wake up in the morning, place it somewhere I can find it.

This morning however, both DH and I were still knocked out at 8:10am. (Un)fortunately today, he was still knocked out at 8:10 in the morning.

Fact: DH has this body clock that sets itself. So he rarely can ever sleep more than past 7:00am. Light sleeper too, will wake up at triggering sounds. Too bad for him. And he’s nice enough to let me sleep in whenever it is appropriate (lol).

But today, I woke up half surprised. I was trying to figure out what happened to the alarm. This was walking from bed to shower, to clothing myself. I couldn’t find my phone. Bedside, foot of the bed, bottom of the bed. I went straight to the boys’ room. It wasn’t anywhere on Elliot. But I found it on Adam’s bed. It was dead. My phone was dead. Elliot, who has similar sleeping pattern as his dad, woke up, “It wasn’t me; it was Adam”. Hastily I replied, “I know”.

So my mouth went on a light blabber rampage on the inconveniences I have been having with the boys. Even the day before, I brought them uniform shopping and Adam just refused to try for best sizing.

“Here, try 15” – Why?

“Just put them on” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably.

“Small, try 16” – I’ve put on the shirt on already just now.

“That was small. Try a slightly bigger size now.” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably. 2nd time.

Nonchalantly answering me with “I’ve tried it already just now… How many times do I have to try… No need to try another one, or this one again…”

This process went on… and he found one shirt he insisted on buying; a size 12 for 12 year old. He is 14. Okay. He insisted on not acquiring pants because he got a hands-me-down from a family friend that he said would suffice. Okay. He insisted on not getting shoes because he, “…Can still use the one from the last term”. Okay. Socks? Okay to buy. Underpants – No need. Singlet – No need. So only 2, size 12 top and 6 pairs of socks.

So late last night, after sewing names on the track bottoms and singlets, I asked him to put on the shirt he chose, with the pants he insisted would suffice. He looked like an overshot carrot with a James Dean top. I was flat lined. I think this is a common trait moms have. We get flat lined all the time. Like we know what the outcome would be, and then flat lined when it happens. Repeat.

Then when my husband comes from football, I had to repeat this 3 times.

“Adam refused to try properly and insisted on using the hand-me-down pants. I got him to try them on with his new shirt top. He looked ridiculous. So now, I’d have to run down back to the mall go get an exchange for the shirt and get him new pants.”

Him: Oh. It didn’t fit? Did you get the wrong size?

“He insisted on what he had chosen.” – me, talking about the shirt.

Him: Oh, so now you’d have to get him new pants?

“Yes, that too.”

Him: (Looking confused) Which one are we talking about?

I repeated.

Him: Oooh… It would be so even more dreadful if you’d have to change the tops you got him yesterday too.

Me, “Of course I have to change the tops,” eyes rolling.

Him: You mean the tops don’t fit?

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ME YELLING INTERNALLY – OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… – TO INFINITY AND BEYOND… It was like my brain was having multiple orgasm so bad that I just lay there on the bed and went offline.

So I now can see clearly how these to men connect. Genetically. Hmm. Well, that’s great news. I’m stuck with them FOREVER.

I have preempted Adam to:

  1. Don’t say no when I ask him to try something.
  2. Don’t make any mistake in choosing this next time, or he would be going to school wearing previous term’s fitting. With leg pants hanging almost half his calf.
  3. Just get whatever I tell him he should.

All he did was grin cheek to cheek.

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I told myself, let’s just put myself to bed. I just… Too much… Full RAM. I cannot anymore. And just stop everything for a while. Yeah.

But when I woke up so late, finding my dead phone on Adam’s bed…

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And at the end of the day from work, and thinking of how to get back home, pick him up, and drive back to change at the mall, it does bubble some resentment. With this sudden urge to poop too, so that doesn’t help at all. Also all of that and my boss just walked in at the end of the day.

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Let’s just see how this goes.

Can I add that my husband will finally be on leave and plans for a just us holiday, and he still doesn’t know where yet to go? It is just the day after tomorrow.

Good luck to me. I’m just so stuck with this.

Edited: Some sentences got delivered some other way that they missed the point. Maybe because I haven’t been able to get any of my men to the point, I’ve lost my way while writing this as well. Lol. Haih.

The Daily Post: Compass

Balancing hearts.

I took leave from the office and with medical leave that became a 5 day holiday for me. Feeling refreshed in a way to being Day 1 in the office today. I’ve made new friends and the bond has became tighter after this meet. Bonded.

For lunch today, I wish only time for myself. I’m not willing to spend my time for people who have no concern for themselves. I need noodles, fruits and smokes. Only thinking where the perfect spot would be.

Broken people find broken souls and they find solace to those whom has been broken before to get themselves fixed together. 

And so we found each other. We’ll get ourselves fixed together.

Guess what? Tomorrow is apparently a Public Holiday – YEAY!

 

Apple mints and rainbow unicorn farts.

At the pit of my stomach, I feel that people are ignoring me in the office. Not the major ones, they are the ones who are the support and pillars of their bosses.

Here’s the confession:

1. My staff’s claim went missing. It was a hectic month for claims. I had to ask 2 people to help send some of them up periodically. I couldn’t find them at my end and went crazy… While 1 assistant went calling sheepishly ‘upstairs’ behind and I could hear, “Found them already? Okay, great!” – Turns out it was in IN Tray instead of CLAIMS Tray. I look stupid, I feel.

2. I had just applied to be on a course that my supervisor approved. It would be great to attend because Sunshine, Eden and Sue has been put in the loop. In the end Sunshine’s new supervisor doesn’t allow her. Sue can’t attend because she has attended something else earlier. And as at yesterday, my Director tells me to hold all external paid training off for this year. So that’s left with Eden alone in class. So it’s like, who am I trying to apply a course outside when everyone else’s assistant tries to attend internal ones?

3. I don’t know I’m just paranoid. Ultimately it is I who want to be left alone.

I want to be ignored for now because… I miss him. I really do. I just can’t do this life anymore.

I thought of calling him this morning. Found a photo of him and Talullah when she was a pudgy 2 year-old. But I put if off until I get to the office. Then I put on my hands-free, still putting off calling. I thought about what to say. I feel so disabled and fail myself at this communication. Looked back at what I shared. At the back of my mind it was just going through a quick overthinking. Until my eyes caught the photo again. I saw his fingers, hand, and arm around our little girl.

There was a time when I used to stare at him, just swallow in what I saw and tried to memorize. My eyes leaked instantaneously. The scent of the skin. The texture, the veins. The face on the neck. The presence. The presence. The presence.

We’ve been like this for almost forever. Near, but apart. I don’t know what to think of. So I wrote him:

“I miss you. But I think I will cry if I talk to you now. The feeling is on right now haha.”

There’s no actual ‘HAHA’ there, right? So I HAHA-ed myself wiping tears with my sleeves, then walking fast to the toilet before locking myself in a cubicle.

Doesn’t it feel lonely in a world of foggy apple mints and rainbow farts from unicorn, that you want someone to come save you? You know someone will, and you know you will save yourself too, but you’re just standing in the middle the town on a hill swinging skirt of your dress with blue pigtails and fuchsia ends and purple ribbons.

That’s just how I exactly feel. Whipping air in psychedelic colour that smells of cotton candy as you wait there under the big tree on the hill with baskets of peach pie, strawberry filled and glazed donuts, cinnamon sticks and lasagna. Big Thermos of black coffee. With Jodi Picoult in hand. On the checked picnic rug.

I feel someone’s hand reaching on in me as I write this. Yes, we can sit here together. Share what I’ve brought and have the coffee too. We sit here and wait. We’re okay by ourselves anyway.

Love.

The Daily Post: Mushroom, Atmospheric, Particular, Sludge

Edited: Spelling mistakes are hmmm… and possible misconstrued innocence gone wrong. So we edit.

And this is me today. 

I wish that our HR will stop asking for stupid things in this vast space of hundreds of people. Waste of time and effort with multiple papers flying around when all people want to do is to be paperless.

Annoyance aside…

The first thing I do when I see her, is hug her. Miss Brown has got this spot in me where she sees the same lines of black, white and gray as I. Her questions are never silly and I appreciate to be able to watch her bloom. Isn’t it always? The seed is in the ground and watch it grow, you straighten it every now and then and wait for it to bloom and flourish.

Each individual have their place in my garden. They bloom and flourish in the their own way. Sometimes they need a break, mind space, heart space, room to talk and someone to just be present to listen to their rants.

Miss Brown listens. And she listened to my story, to the one I broke down on. How I told my mother that I would ready to leave if need be just because living without him when he is near is no different that how it was when we divorced 5 years ago. Just keep sending the kids’ expenses like how it was and you don’t have to commit your life with me. It gets easier when life is kept simple.

The thought of other friends came through. Or people who only sought for me when they need to only.

I don’t let the thought of it bother me. They needed help and I was sincere to help them. Whatever they decide thereon after, to leave most usually, then go. I have done my part and I let go so I don’t get hurt. I let go so I don’t become emotional. I let go so I can forgive and move on with my life.

You know, there are a million things I could do for myself. But it all depends whether I want to do/allow them or not. Like being wounded for other people’s bad decision making i.e. make me feel used, invisible, etc. So I let it pass because I think God put me at the right time and situation for them. It is their decision and responsibility to build/re-build/maintain what can be built.

So I want to put my yesterday’s miseries somewhere. I just wanna walk away because I’m just f*cking tired to even be within an inch of it. Too many other things that I have to clear and I have no freaking time to let anything else pull me down.

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And this is me today. To being alert and honking at self for self-check.

The Daily Post: Honk

Elliot’s Mom.

I actually have things to do. But I have to do this first to clear my head.

For the past two weeks, things have been a bit rocky for me. One, I had the worst period cramping that I can remember. I was down for 2.5 days with bad cramping, stomachache and multiple times to the toilet for No.2. It felt like my whole stomach and uterus was ripping itself out. I could have possibly passed out instead of falling asleep on the first day the period came.

The emotional roller coaster ride came again when DH had to be at work on most days. We had 2 nights of being able to share the bed together each week, and at knock out. They were lonely nights and days for me. His mom was asking about him. The same asking if there is any hanky panky going around with him that I have answered NO to. Although the question has left me in paranoia, just because it was his mother asking.

Here is the thing that I have figured out for myself. Loneliness is a tragedy for me. I don’t mind being alone. And my box of emotions can only take in a certain limit. Surplus of it will make me go into a hum with my brain in the fog. I would be useless then. Will not be able to even think for myself, more even to manage other people. Adding paranoia to that list.

Well, I thought that I had a release from the short trip taken. I was chatty and calling DH a few times in a day just to blurt whatever out. That is the opposite of what I have been with him since his schedules have turned crazy. Then, yesterday happened.

He was home for a few hours. My android wasn’t connecting to a website we needed to go in and I asked for his. “Hang on a minute, I need to follow up with something,” and ends up calling multiple people for the next 1.5 hours. Later he came asking for a towel (to bring with him to shower at work) and suddenly just left with, “I’m late”.

Instantaneously, I cried. With a pillow on my face. And two kids sitting behind me. They gave me space and didn’t interrupt. Came Elliot into the room, notices me there and hugs me, “Are you crying Mom?” I cried more. He gave me time and then coming back again to pat on my back. He didn’t say anything while doing all that.

Got up and washed my face. I wrote a long text while sitting on the toilet with a cigarette in my hand. I asked, why am I hurt? Am I invisible? Don’t I mean anything? I asked all the questions that I have covered in fogs and flowerbeds with rainbow unicorns. I didn’t even know to whom I was writing to. It all just needed to be out. It was hurting me.

SIL1 then came within half and hour to whisk me off for a drink. I sent the text to her. Since I’ve had written all out, my brain was much more in order. I got my issues said with her, that I had no one else to talk to, I was just overwhelmed. She listened with compassion. It definitely felt better afterwards.

Later in the evening, DH texted me. “I’m tired”.

My response was:

So am I.

I am tired.

Of being alone.

Of waiting.

Of not getting time with you.

Of not getting family time with you.

But I have no choice.

…and the text continues…

He responded: I am also tired of this situation.

And he came home last night. I told him that I cannot be strong all the time. There are times when I need him to be around, to participate, to support, to rely on.

I told SIL1 that he says that there is 2 more weeks only until the project ends. The next one will be in January. We’ll see how December will work for us. Because I am tired. And I want to walk away. I just can’t do this sh*t anymore. It’s just like this life is led without a partner. So may as well be it that way.

Tired. I need sleep. To settle with self.

Not too sure what to title this with.

Today was a little frazzled. No, not really. The days before was.

  1. I got hit from back by a car on the way to work. The person (Mr E [get it? Mystery -LOL]) who hit me was quite quick to solve the matters but I dragged it because I kept second guessing myself with the decisions I was making. DH literally just left it for me to solve it on my own. So ‘my own’ had 2 of her colleagues help her think through from morning until late in the day.
  2. Sent the car to the workshop and got the car back within a day. DH said he would help me out to get the car back from the workshop but it was just ‘intent’. “He’s a jerk,” was on repeat as I go about my day and night.
  3. Luckily Mr E offered to send the car to me. I told him that I am worried that DH won’t make it back on time that it’ll be an inconvenience for everyone i.e. the workshop, himself, me etc. But sending back the car to me proved to me an inconvenience for Mr E and wife as they sped on full speed leaving my place after.
  4. He came back sheepishly saying he’s “Sooooooorrry….” I replied, “I’m used to it.” If only he gets sarcasm. But he’s a goat. He doesn’t really get sarcasm. But when he does, hell breaks lose!

That song “He’s a jerk” is still going repeatedly in my head and I have no idea how to stop it. I am asking myself why I married him the second time? It’s not that I don’t understand that he loves challenging jobs, but it’s we’re all tired. I’m tired of this dormitory relationship like. I’m sick of putting my hands up and eat myself away because I feel like sh*t inside. I’m out of ideas what to do with the kids. Most of the time I know I’m a sh*tty mom.

I know I just can’t make of it. I become disabled and in nothingness when I just dismiss it. At this point, how he had abandoned me to settle the whole accident by myself, has brought me to this other level of not too sure what of inside. I’m just clearly pissed with this situation. Then why would I need a man if I am taking care of things myself?

So anyway, I’m going on a trip tomorrow. Just by myself. I think I deserve it. Even if it is for over the weekend.