This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

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Numb

I feel so alone.

It feels empty. Can’t cry it. Don’t feel like distracting myself with conversations, people, TV. Games feel useless right now.

Yes, as I am a lonely person, it is hard to feel alone.

I am abandoning myself.

Hurt beyond sad. I don’t know how to repair it anymore. I can’t fall blind or deaf anymore. I can’t wait for time. I don’t know how I will learn to enjoy myself when time comes. My heart is numb.

I am abandoning you.

Break

Haven’t been around to allow myself to feel something. I was okay for a while, then it slides somewhere else across the world. I told myself I am in control of how miserable I can be. So there were times that people come looking for me to help guide them, which placed me somewhere I feel satisfied with the help I give, with my own accord. And sometimes, there is nothing.

I don’t want to be around people who expect me to be the 3rd person getting the message across to their partner. If I have that troubleshooting with mine, I think you will have to learn to sort that one out. And I hate it when you keep poking me while speaking. Just stop.

I don’t appreciate being or responding to people who expects me to respect how they view themselves in the relationship with me, that I have to put myself in a spot just because it was just something that I had done for me. I don’t have to explain myself to you. I don’t have to care for your feelings when you don’t with mine. If you’re my friend and know me that well, you wouldn’t do that to me in the first place.

I don’t want to be the one who has to take care of how I feel just because all others don’t seem to know how.

I am sad. I am angry. I feel taken for granted. I should be able to do what I feel I can. Most of all over the feelings, I am sad.

My connection with my SILs has been dry. I know not many are blessed with this relationship we have of love and support. We don’t mind each other disciplining our children just because the common interest is growing up to be good.

To top this all, I just scolded told  a Manager in a nice tone that he:

  1. Shouldn’t be looping in everyone each time he sends out an email because people already know you are carrying out your job. We don’t need to know THAT. You only need to get your job done and report with a result when there is a need for it.
  2. Quit sending things out on behalf of other departments by telling me and another coordinator to extend it to the rightful person while the originator is in the cc. It’s F annoying. Just send the email back to the originator and ask them to email the document again to the correct supervisor’s attention. You will be helping them to know the right people so that they are more aware next time.
  3. You shouldn’t be spending time shouldering all these other things when it’s not yours to worry about. You can’t even get to carry out your own duties because you are being so keen to telling people you’re doing your job by emailing every F email to me or our boss.

Right now I hear him whispering to another Manager who sits next to me over something. Let him be. He’s got to know at some point. I’m not about to listen to myself grousing over it and not doing anything about it.

Well anyway, last Saturday, I forced myself out to lunch and coffee with all the SILs. To tell you truth, I couldn’t feel all the conversations. I tried to go into it and let them speak. Even when I spoke, I felt invisible to myself.

I tried speaking it over with DH last night. I told him outright that I understand and have been considerate about his work commitments, but this is how I feel and this is what I need and this is what I’m asking from you. He responded. But it felt like I was hitting the wall with a tennis ball and when the ball came to me, I had disappeared.

Truthfully, my body feels like it’s readying itself for menses. All I want to eat are spicy things and fruits. I feel like hitting something but I know I won’t because I don’t have the will to.

Where was I 5 years ago? Where were we then? Where am I and us now? I want things that I can’t have. I have what I need, can’t fully brain them. I have long taken a break from doing things that I must. I know I am still on that break.

Because I am broken.

DH, just don’t talk to me right now. I just can’t.

Vacuum

It has been some time since I last came here. My mind has been backward, as it had always been. Vacuum-state like. There is movement but invisible. The physical as well as the internal goes hand-in-hand. It only moves when someone wills it.

In such desperation that I wallow invisibly for the absence of the husband. I sit myself in the corner of the room to deal with a tween-ager, and his budding siblings. Sitting there silently rationing into all piggy banks we all have counting coins of what could make us happy i.e. slushy.

There isn’t much that we could do. We have been this way since 6 months ago and due to prolong for the next months until February. In a way, it feels suffocating with no room to breathe and the broken will to keep trying every next day.

No holiday. No break time. No time for DH and I. What more to spare for other people? It’s just that simple. What more when people expect themselves to join any trip that we take? That’s just unfair. That, is just really unfair.

Melancholy. In the vacuum. With tons to sort out and clear of this workstation. So seriously that I all could think about is immersing feet into beach waters and sand, and flopping the rest of the body into it.

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Google and found this photo linked to pandotrip.com 

You know, it’s okay to cry for feeling this all.

Just only probably, not right now.

Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
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Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |

Passing

I had migraine last night. Every time I fall asleep, I would wake up coughing and be burping continuously for 1-5 minutes before finally falling asleep. So last night’s was longer. I was already burping so much out before and after taking some paracetamol for the headache. It helped reduce the headache. Tiring process.

There is still some balance of the headache this morning. Pouring into the right side of the head. But I got things done. Only now, I don’t know where my phone is. I left it somewhere. With Elliot having used my phone before, it is usually left with WiFi on, location on, sometimes data off, media sound so loud and ringtone set to silent. So, there is no way I can know where it is right now.

So there has also been 3 deaths within 10 days. Roslyn died of cancer and we have not seen her for years after she left the office to join another. It was by her request that no one should know where she is. Her boss was nice enough to inform us of her illness and her wish to be respected of privacy while seeking treatment.

Then Sue passed away recent Thursday from lung infection. Sue was a breast cancer survivor but we found that illness after illness entailed her then on since 2013.

On Saturday night, Ayman passed on from prostate cancer that stopped in August, then suddenly jolted back again up until his lungs. When he died, the cancer was 30cm pushing his organs and his heart.

To think that all my father’s siblings has died from cancer. Meningitis, throat. One is a cancer survivor. One has removed her uterus. One has just been detected of a possible brain tumor.

I can’t really condense all this.

I can’t believe I just ruined my own mind this morning.