There is a high school reunion coming up where I had been on the fence about.
DH has always been my savior when it comes to socializing, especially when it comes to mingling among our school friends ever since we were together. I would enclose myself within myself and sit back just watching him and join in as and when it feels comfortable. Even when it gets to parties at home. I cook and provide, he invites and PRs the party on. Yeah, I’m boring as shit. Lol. But I’m fine with boring. At least until this reunion thing came up. And he can’t make it.
Circle of friends start popping in and out. Asking, pushing for registration money and all. At first, I didn’t have it – the money. Then I found out that the party premise would be at another friend’s newly opened business premise where most people know how savage that person is at business. No compromise on cost. I plainly look at it as conflict of interest. That just completely throws me off the board.
However, these girls kept asking. I considered although I had been pacing all these things in my brain. Although I’m as normal and grounded as I can be, I always feel like I sit on a certain par in other people’s eyes. Like there’s a certain standard to it. From physical and the way I speak. There is an expectation.
So I look myself in the mirror. 13 kilos overweight. At 42, with still very bad complexion. Triad illness. Unkempt. Possible bad BO. Rundown face for not smiling for the last 42 years of it. Bad financial state. Still depend on my parents to run my children around. Out of shape and mildly depressed when people ask me out for Zumba Strong. I am embarrassed with myself. But yet, there it is. Still.
I have no achievements. No ambition other than the wants of being on the beach, own home, travel. Everything else seems sufficient. Like Meredith Grey. Just moving in being suffice if it makes any sense at all.
Perhaps, that was the bottom of it all. Put aside all excuses I have been giving about how everything will exhaust me. How everyone will expect some connection and having to repeat stories of my life, vice versa, to smile and pretend like I’m happy when I’d be so exhausted then. I need a safe refuge. Even the girls who say it, that I will be protected, don’t seem to be who I thought they would be.
Contradicting. My brain falls into waterfalls of self-doubt. In all kindness toward myself, I know I had done my best for myself, taking care of my own heart and finding out if my heart was really in to attend it, without a safe refuge. So I’ve let the dateline pass, therefore I won’t be attending the Jubilee Reunion.
Not attending would be, a gift, for me.
Note: With no intention whatsoever, I will not be running through this blog before posting. Just because I want to surprise myself with whatever that I let write from these fingers on the keyboard.