2019: Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

You’ve thrown yourself in much sorrow this year. Constant sadness that drowns anyone else along the way, so you don’t want to share them for the fear that you might. They may swim away from you. All you fear is the abandonment. The rejection.

Feel all of this now please. Be with it for a while. Because you will leave it all behind in 2019. Move forward. Find inspirations. Have aspirations. Be in sync with passion (although you must find it first).

I love you more than you know. You always feel you are undeserving of such love. Such selfless self who gives more than you should.

So you deserve that comedy show booking that you will find some time. You also deserve that concert and that holiday you’re regretting to have paid for already. You deserve to be pushed. That’s all you need, because you need to be free.

Be free. Forgive other people for the things they didn’t know any better of. Remember the good people and experiences you had. Remember the depression and how you climbed out of it. Remember the self-pity and internal cries of ignored you are (although it is really self-inflicted); and how you’re going to be free from.

You will be free. One step at a time.

I hope you’ll enjoy 2020, in all fears that you have.

Love.

Our House

I am a proud house owner as at 1.45PM today having just signed the S&P.

I have no feelings. I mean, I was happy. Then when we began talking about what we wanted to have in the house, it became a little bit of what I want, what could work and what he wanted. So I gave out. I knew what I wanted and what I liked.

Industrial farmhouse with clean lines.

A kitchen of arabian tile backsplash, white tabletop, white top cabinets and blue bottom cabinets.

Anything alike Fixer Upper fusion with The Cousins. Functionality.

But for all that I’ve treadled along these few weeks, and foregoing the things I didn’t have to do/go through, and listening to his wishlist that keeps changing… He is a creative person. Very creative. So his mind goes to the moon and back several times.

So last night, I feel like I was denied (not shutdown) of my opinion.

What about floor tiles that look like wood?
– Not sure what you’re talking about. (Gets shown photo sample) I don’t even know. Better off we use concrete slabs for the flooring. I think 6 pieces of the concrete slabs should cover it.

Before that was all industrial things he was talking about. So much of it. Then wanting colourful tiles, then chandelier etc.

I resigned within me. And this was what I told him:

“I’ll let you do with whatever you want to do with the house as well as the kitchen, so long I get to have my bottom blue cabinets”

Of course someone got offended. “Yes, I am aware of your need for the blue cabinets. We can’t simply just take what see. We have to make sure and need to see combo colours, the concept to wrap around it…”

It’s alright, honey. Here, take the horse. Just take it. Ride it as far as you want to. I will enjoy my time in my meadow. Because I don’t know that I don’t deserve the stress of handling you stressing about it.

…The house will be ready in 2 years anyhow.

Reblog: What I Want

https://infjramblings.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/what-i-want/

I’ve been circling around this. This wonderment of stagnant life squareness that it can be. You just stand there and suck everything else in. Encapsulated in what bubble wrap, where each bubble contains every single type of emotion, that I had been in all week since the beginning of December. Apparently I had over-peopled myself, which now makes complete sense to me. 

My heart seeks for a hidden coffeeshop with a lot of plants that I can hideaway tucked behind them with the mist fan all over me. Or somewhere I can walk in with my slippers and a big hat over my head that wouldn’t be matching anything else I have on, just because that hat makes me happy. And arms with many casings of slushies and hot coffee because the two opposite things make me happy – it doesn’t matter whether I’d finish them. Although I’d feel sorry that I would be wasting resources that other could possibly use well.

I was so wayward with everything yesterday, I drove myself out for lunch alone. Didn’t have a direction so my path changes as the traffic goes. Switching lanes, dumbfounded but moving along. I found myself in a hotel restaurant and ordered myself the best steak ever. It was for me. As the last bite was taken, myself settled. It was, “OK”. 

The one that fixed me. I’ll probably run back to this place whenever I need fixing again. So much for no direction driving. 

Time. I need them. I hope I get away from idiots today. Lol. So many of them. But nothing an INFJ asshole (lol true) like me can’t handle – unless they completely drain me out. Let’s hope it won’t be the latter.

Slow and steady, woman. Yeehaw.

I managed time to spend with SIL1 last night. We walked into Starbucks and suddenly the water leaked at the bottom so that’s how my Americano got to be Java Chip – they ran out of hot water, so I could have anything else but something hot.

For all the worst of things, I feel is the struggle within me. Wanting to be motivated, wanting to complete something easily without the hyperspace deep thought to untangle yards of yarn in nano seconds. Be free. Yes, to be free.

SIL1 tells a story on Instagram. I smiled. Not that it didn’t mean anything. I’m more a reader than a visual person for one. I just… So I told her. I don’t go into Instagram because it makes me sad to see what I get to see, because I feel sad for the things I cannot do. So if I see one, I will logout. She went “Oh… No wonder”. You don’t have to wonder too far. The truth is in front of you. “Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”. Haha.

Somehow I feel a little disconnected this morning. Maybe I need more coffee. Or maybe I need time to stand by myself under a large shady tree for some time. Or sleep on my right looking at the sea under a big tree – without fire ants please.

Lagged time off work. Came late. Felt unwell with chest congestion. Paid month’s due this morning. Everything slow and steady.

slow-steady

Another cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go all into work. (After so many hours of clocking in. Oh, well. On some days, it happens.)

Turning Hearts

At 42, we should all be mature adults. But some things have not changed, apparently. Or maybe that is what my mind is cheating me into thinking.

I am making amends. For all things I asked, I can see it is turning into it now in front of my eyes. He is making me see the change because I am asking for everything to turn out to be good. And they are being shown to me.

So many other hearts maybe dissatisfied with my doing right now. But I can only satisfy my own. Knowing in my gut that I am responsible with what I say, what I do and what I decide. I take charge of me. And I am answerable to nobody.

Is that selfish? Or somewhat rigid? I don’t feel it. I only feel me.

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I’m a wreck

I had a car accident. A Hilux rammed into my back. Where I am still in shock. And all items settled with the traffic police and workshop.

There is an event I have to help. Withdrawn feeling. No go. Will unscramble myself. Predict a fever soon, with whiplash from the hit. Boss unimpressed for me leaving without telling. Well, I had forgotten about the event. I had quickly get that backdrop stand since setting up begins today evening. Boss happened to be away when I left in a rush.

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I feel crappy. Unable to put the Boss first. Or putting Boss priority. Or… I just remembered Boss telling me to make a drink when Boss gets back in the office after meeting – yesterday. Shit.

So confusing. Emotions are in a state of horribly tangled yarn but with a perspective if it makes any sense at all. Holiday. Right now. Please.

 

Jousting haystacks on needles

Sleep was bad last night. Work has been overworked. I draw the line between what I have to do and what I am unable to do. People are emotional. Men adapting like horrid aunts in manipulating words to just you. I don’t fucking care.

Have I been working late for weeks. Sorting out needles in haystacks. Tired. Handling people, projects and paperwork. I deserve my weekends and time off so you are not allowed to judge me. Maybe it’s just that you don’t have anything to do that you have time to point your 1 finger at other people.  Don’t forget you have the other 4 fingers pointing back at you dude.

With love,

Sleepless in the Office (And ultimately remain as an asshole)

 

The curse of INFJ

I am brash. Self critical. Self deny. Feeling unhappy is a constant cycle. Shout. Rage. Tempestuous. Ugly cry. Wall face. Fear to fall. Fearless when done. Inner conflict. Suffering. Guilt. Burden. Latching off. Independence. Numbness. Care. Love.

So much love. So much pain. So much guilt. Hate rejection. Hate hate.

Sitting duck.

Please come to bed with me, and place your hand over my head to keep me safe. Because I’m tired of this cycle.

I need to take a break from myself.

Surprise myself, so I will.

There is a high school reunion coming up where I had been on the fence about.

DH has always been my savior when it comes to socializing, especially when it comes to mingling among our school friends ever since we were together. I would enclose myself within myself and sit back just watching him and join in as and when it feels comfortable. Even when it gets to parties at home. I cook and provide, he invites and PRs the party on. Yeah, I’m boring as shit. Lol. But I’m fine with boring. At least until this reunion thing came up. And he can’t make it.

Circle of friends start popping in and out. Asking, pushing for registration money and all. At first, I didn’t have it – the money. Then I found out that the party premise would be at another friend’s newly opened business premise where most people know how savage that person is at business. No compromise on cost. I plainly look at it as conflict of interest. That just completely throws me off the board.

However, these girls kept asking. I considered although I had been pacing all these things in my brain. Although I’m as normal and grounded as I can be, I always feel like I sit on a certain par in other people’s eyes. Like there’s a certain standard to it. From physical and the way I speak. There is an expectation.

So I look myself in the mirror. 13 kilos overweight. At 42, with still very bad complexion. Triad illness. Unkempt. Possible bad BO. Rundown face for not smiling for the last 42 years of it. Bad financial state. Still depend on my parents to run my children around. Out of shape and mildly depressed when people ask me out for Zumba Strong. I am embarrassed with myself. But yet, there it is. Still.

I have no achievements. No ambition other than the wants of being on the beach, own home, travel. Everything else seems sufficient. Like Meredith Grey. Just moving in being suffice if it makes any sense at all.

Perhaps, that was the bottom of it all. Put aside all excuses I have been giving about how everything will exhaust me. How everyone will expect some connection and having to repeat stories of my life, vice versa, to smile and pretend like I’m happy when I’d be so exhausted then. I need a safe refuge. Even the girls who say it, that I will be protected, don’t seem to be who I thought they would be.

Contradicting. My brain falls into waterfalls of self-doubt. In all kindness toward myself, I know I had done my best for myself, taking care of my own heart and finding out if my heart was really in to attend it, without a safe refuge. So I’ve let the dateline pass, therefore I won’t be attending the Jubilee Reunion.

Not attending would be, a gift, for me.

Note: With no intention whatsoever, I will not be running through this blog before posting. Just because I want to surprise myself with whatever that I let write from these fingers on the keyboard.

Paving your way through a struggle

It takes a while to begin something. Some can have abrupt ends. Some take time to end and hurt like hell when it does. But there is only one undeniable thing when it does; it gives you a new beginning.

You will learn to walk away from all the baggage labelled pain, regret, anger, worry etc that you’ve been hauling around. You will learn to sift through what you need and move on. This inner strength that makes you be decisive, able to say no, and not stay in the same form of cycle again.

The bend on the road can change. Sometimes it takes you to be the first one to pave its way.

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