Yellow Fish

Having rained the night before, today begins slow and cool. I have been tardy this week. Elliot is unwell. He has enlarged neck glands for the past 2 days. Lucky for me, I didn’t get him any ice cream for his birthday yesterday.  This swelling began appearing since 2 years ago.

As say WebMD: The glands on either side of the neck, under the jaw, or behind the ears commonly swell when you have a cold or sore throat. Glands can also swell following an injury, such as a cut or bite, near the gland or when a tumor or infection occurs in the mouth, head, or neck.

Then I began searching for change.

I was talking to my sister last night and it was about adjusting expenses for me. It’s the thing that keeps me awake at night. The plans of how to maintain/improve the household when any of our parents pass on. Our father has willed that the house cannot be sold unless all his children are married. Then the ones living in the house have to pay the ones staying out, rent.

It was a good conversation. She gave me insight, as I did her. Then I tell her that she should look at buying a property. It doesn’t matter whether she will stay there or not. It’s the fact that after after 5 years or so when she finally settles in with her life, she can sell it off anytime.

There are many things I have to do to improve my life. But like I tell her, my intention is huge (to clearing clutter in the house) but to think that in the end I WILL end up doing it alone, so it’s just…

So this morning I looked at migrating. I wish I can. I just need to drop everything else and move somewhere else. Just stay there until I’m bored and then leave. Somewhere I can live debt-less and create jewelry, shoes that can fit this boat sized swollen-like feet etc. It is far fetched. But all those things that I think of doing, I can do them now here from where I am.

I need to de-clutter. De-clutter our rooms, our corridors, our spare room, our patios. This is knowing that no one else will help. Knowing that I am so relied on when clearing things physically and emotionally. Knowing that I am tired of doing and then everyone else seems to have a better idea about it. But if I don’t do it, who will? And after all I don’t ever see us moving out. I don’t ever see that anyone else will be able to take care of it. So I must do it because it will satisfy me that I am improving my quality of life, even if it takes heartaches to do it.

I know I am different, and there is reason why I am. My family is one who won’t decide but expects of you to give/provide/offer. I only expect you have the best for yourself, just because you ought to. I must not forget my strength, that I am not like them. Buying new things or staying still won’t improve lives; improvement is making what you have better to suit you.

It is a good time to unfurl. This woman needs the wind of change – improvement of living, increasing life satisfaction even if it means me doing it alone. And I think that wishing itself is already a good start. It shows that I’m already out of the box.

Being thankful is being sincere to oneself. Be nice. Your heart will be at peace.

I have lists to do.

But before that:

  1. I left my phone at home. Accidentally. However I am thankful that I still can message through Web WhatsApp.
  2. My boss gave me some fruit plant from her hometown. I should be thankful for this too because she is stingy and frugal.
  3. Had mushroom soup and toast bread for breakfast. Never too early for mushroom soup. I think I may want to make beef stew for whatever this week. Lasagna would be nice too. But it’s too much work for this lazy person.
  4. I was stuck in a jam that was 10 minutes moving as much as 5 meters this morning. Then stop. Then an inch. I was lucky to be able to u-turn and got to the office through the back road.
  5. There is makeup on my face today. Just because I feel like it.
  6. My watch is in timeless mode. So I tried to look for DH’s to use. Apparently all 3 (including mine) has departed. I am timeless.
  7. I got Davidoff Cafe Grande Cuvee Rich Aroma trial pack. Actually it was my mom who got it for free. So I am hanging on to every sip of it twice a day. It is the only thing that makes any sense.

Lists help to organize my brain. Sometimes it’s no longer cluttered. But it needs just a little bit of tidy. Nothing’s done in a jiffy. Not for me. I take time. Longer time than others take to do things. Although I’m pretty clean going when I’m in the kitchen so that kind of longer time pays beautiful bonuses when you are clean as you go.

I must tell you that for the past 4 weeks, it has been quite challenging for me. I have been working late for almost that long of duration, leaving on an average of 6.30PM-7.00PM. The constant heat glaring sun and suddenly the raining all day long for many days. The menses. Prickle emotion roller coaster. Sudden pitfall in logic and purview. The falling asleep at odd hours, odd positions – just odd.

And so I have been adapting myself to writing lists again. I don’t know why I refuse to do it, like, why I stopped. But then again I do weird things to myself. Self-obstruct in endless monotonous giddy carousel. Life seems to be more orderly. I get things done. I ask of myself not to be forgetful. I must instill care again. I used to be able to memorize numbers when hearing them once. But I was emotionally hurt and stopped caring. Stopped wanting to allow this big heart open to help people. It was raided and so I no longer can deliver even for myself.

Blog postings have helped me through the years. There were times when I paused. There were times I over vomit all so many times in a day. Days where I chuck myself in a bubble wrap in the corner of the room emotionally that the only way to communicate is flowing it out into the world wide web. Bubble wrap. It’s always fun when playing alone with it. But keeping it to just yourself cuts you away from life. When you share, you might be helping someone else; then you will feel purpose and bring yourself out.

No one can help you, unless you yourself want to.

I am counting blessings today. During a rainy day where pots of mushroom soup and beef stew would be so comforting.

Sensory overload, it says.

I was on some depressing emotional rampage for the past few weeks. Left questions unanswered on forums, that led to thinking if I am crazy. Approached my sister on how to see a psychiatrist in the hospital because I feel that I could be in a depressive period right now. She explained, I took note and went home.

Then I began blasting at DH telling him I was unhappy and everyone else was ignoring me like I’m invisible. One by one. Up to the second day, he tells me that he doesn’t know what I want, because he was responding to me.

(Okay, between now and the man married earlier, he has flexed 90% to attempt absorbing my membrane. He is trying, bending for me; which I appreciate very much.)

I let it cool. Before, I began prodding into forums asking stuffs randomly – I couldn’t put my finger on anything. Not until someone approached me and told me that I had been sucking the bad energy from everyone. My soul was open and doing clean up charity work for other people, who all happened to be in a delirious state of mind, through the weeks. That was why I frazzled, foggy and lost, and bumping conversations in my head full of cloudiness whatevers.

He asked me, “Haven’t you noticed how drained you have been, just carrying yourself around?”

It was true. I had been falling asleep against my will, in a fashion I never was. Knocking out on the workstation before lunch for solid 1 hour sleep. Or keep going in and out of sleep trance for 2 hours in the afternoon. Hmm.

Moving on, I posted on an inquiry again on forums, and the question returned was if I was feeling the hurt emotionally or physically. It took me overnight to think of an answer. And I forgot that I am an empath and INFJ. I was feeling it emotionally, it was affecting me physically.

So I am reminding myself that CANNOT be an open book.

I forgot and became vulnerable. And now I have to be pissed all the time because that’s the only thing that works so far that I can remember.

 

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I must remember this. But alas.

Partly party, no fully party on. Hard.

So I have been having frustrations about managing this party. Being remote-controlled, and being made to do this and that when it was decidedly a certain way already. I told office that I’m going off to settle my kids when I just had to have this quiet time at the coffee shop by myself, which I did.

I proceeded for lunch with Miss Brown and she laughs at me. I told her I want to quit, won’t participate next year’s arrangement either and I don’t give a sh*t about it. Won’t give a sh*t about concept that no one else can come up with, won’t care, just nada.

“That’s what you said last year and I never believed it. So I know we’ll have the same conversation about it next year!” She kept laughing. Great. I’m a joke.

“So then what about the decorations hoohaas?”

“I just took anything I can. Closed my eyes and just picked the flowers and the whatevers for the f*ckers. Don’t give a sh*t if they don’t match!” She continued laughing at me and pointed out at me, “Yeah, like right you don’t give a sh*t about it. I’m sure they matched.” Bent, hiding my face away from her, I began nodding. “I am a piece of sh*t,” came out from me. She knows me that well.

Now from all the frustrations I had, someone just came to give me chocolate cake. Awww… I mean, it was so literal that the remote control happened on WhatsApp with all of the other support team in it. They could read what the riling about went on last night.

It was agreed that no deco is required. Then last night at 8.00PM, it changed with a message and I found myself sitting on the sidewalk of the mall by 9:30PM dumbfounded about the sh*t I bought trying to pull through for Friday.

This morning I called the support team and told them how to do the table for food serving. Pulled out the crap I bought and told them what is needed, because I won’t be there. Will only concentrate on the food supply my mom is going to prepare for us.

“Like, are you sure you won’t be there hun?” Miss Brown asks with a smirk.

“Well, let them handle the sh*t themselves!” and buried my face again against the table. Which, of course, had her laughing continuously.

After 2 coffees, I am okay now. Just to be prepared for the meeting due at 3:30PM.

 

Shrubs can help make happy.

My brain is having an over-spill on things I am not able to comprehend. The internal staff evaluation is due this week, the office party, the manpower collation for business plan, the OPEX expenses, the tracking of mid-year OPEX expenses, the BP, the orders for festive use printing items and the year end calendars etc. Instead, my boss hands over the shelf I got her yesterday from IKEA for me to assemble.

I feel like running the treadmill. But my foot is sore. I have been having plantar fasciitis since April. When getting up, I need to be on my toes first, jump around for a few minutes before attempting to set weight on my heel.

When I got to shop yesterday, I got myself a plant. Looking at the plant this morning makes me feel happy. I hope the plant will do its job well, at keeping my sanity level at sane.

Polyscias Filicifolia 1
So meet my Polyscias Filicifolia. Apparently it’s a shrub. Well, may this shrub make me happy!

I need to walk around a bit. Biting off more than I can chew, all the way to my arse. It is beginning to feel that way.

Have a good day you guys.

Mind Whack

I haven’t been producing good postings. This writer’s block with lack of sleep and annoyance that result bothersome attitude just trying to keep awake. It becomes a mean cycle that brings to being mean. Yes, I agree. I suck too. Meddle in the muddle.

So I have been cooking. Penne carbonaras that bothers my dad because he says penne makes him feel he’s eating air unlike non-straw like other pasta types. Then fried brinjal in chili. Pizzas using base of sliced bread.

What I didn’t was how a lasagna could reveal another degree dimension of me in the kitchen. The lasagna that I was so tired when making it, bridging with giving up and ugly cry + throwing everything to hit everything else in the kitchen. Of course I didn’t do it. Although I visually could see it clearly going in slow motion as my brother quips, “Yeay, lasagna!” I was mentally doing it. You know, throwing all wooden spoons and whisks. It was a very difficult and emotional process for me.

James Arthur’s Say You Won’t Let Go is playing. It makes me feel I’m walking in a dress, denim jacket and cowboy boots walking hand in hand with him in the park entering autumn. It’s so front page of 90’s Teen Magazine. All adverts on Keds, daisies and smiley floral dresses. My imagination is constantly in fall. The mix of tenderness in green, floral remnants and brown. I easily identify with it I suppose. I was born in fall.

It’s still a long way to where my mind brings me to be made into reality, but it’s okay. Time will tell. If not now, then maybe very much later.

Oh by the way, we went out last night and I did hear something drop when we got to the house. I settled in getting things in and making me coffee with aching heel and feet. Then I couldn’t find my phone. It got me grumpy when non of the kids owned up. How hard could it be to put my feet up in the foyer with a mug of hot coffee and cigarettes while playing Rising Super Chef 2? Tell me, how hard? HOW HARD? Life is hard. Times are hard. ((HUGS))

Well, obviously I had to walk around the house to find them too a few times. Like, I’ve asked them and they said no but they’re kids so what do they know. Interrogate them we must! Then made them call the phone – the line was dead, so great – yeay! Walked upstairs and downstairs and inside and out from the kitchen to the yard. Checked the car twice. With aching heel and feet. I couldn’t find it. I even took out garbage from within the car.

“Mom, I think I heard something drop in the car. It could be it you know”.

I went, “Pfffft… I checked the car and it’s not there!” while internally going through an ugly cry. I’m a bad mom. I don’t care. Who cares about my aching feet anyhow?

Then DH said, “I think it did probably fall in the car, hon; just like Adam said.” Pfffft. To both of them.

So I went back to car. Slowly. Like the slowest sci-fi movie you’ve ever watched. Yes, sci-fi. Reached out my hand in the side pocket of the passenger seat in darkness. Cosily it had been sitting there for the longest time. Just playing hide and seek. You know, I don’t like playing that game. Especially not at night. But what does it know, right?

Well of course the screaming died down. No one bothered to ask if I had found it. I guess it was obvious that I had found it because the screaming stopped completely. Right? And who would in their right mind want to try and ask if I did find it, being at risk of being screamed at if I still had not found it. Right?

Oh my I’m so completely whack… Haha.

So, I’ve got some tiny bit of work left before the weekend. Paid some bills and sorted my brain. Woke up late but got here not in time with some excuse of having family matter that I just had to attend to.

For some reason I feel refreshed and need to put a photo of fuchsia roses in this post. Lovely photo. I hope you feel the same way too.

Invigorating.

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The Daily Post Prompts | Imaginary | Distant | Tender | Revelation | Triumph | Puncture | Create | Blossom | Relieved | Meddle | Loop

Sulky code names. Crap.

Today didn’t suck too much. But it was a sulky day.

SIL3 text me. Found out Turd BIL4 has not renewed the car insurance and road tax so his family has been driving the car under my name around. So because of this, BIL4 has been using his parents’ CAR1 these few weeks.

Just yesterday, SIL1 was wondering when she will get back her car.  PIL has borrowed hers but yet to return. They have 2 cars, CAR1 is under my DH’s name, and CAR2 was gifted by BIL1. CAR1 is with BIL4 and CAR2 is at the workshop.

I feel this heartbreak of disappointment. Him, jobless. Wife is expected to fend for the family. MIL should be pressuring him instead of the wife. Making her take random jobs like massaging and controlling how she wants to manage it. Come on. She is SAHM. She just can’t adjust time to fit your whim and fancy. Besides, your son is the man of the house. He is responsible for his family’s livelihood. Why aren’t you asking him to try?

DH and I had just been talking about this the night before. We were going to take it back in July. Just about 1 week after school starts again.

We have been helping SIL4 and her kids. Why is he there taking charity? No sense of shame? No pride to adjust? No… push to evolve instead of playing in the fields 6 hours of the day that brings absolutely no income into the household at all?

I prayed that he be given enough to provide and repay all that he has taken from. But my fear is always that, if it comes, he doesn’t.

Everything is so literal. I’m making no attempt to hide (except my identity).

Observantly, this is the best time for us to take back my car. The one I have been paying for 22 months. I will allow DH take the lead. As he had been the one to let go on my behalf, he will retrieve it back.

I feel a tonne of weight off my chest.

Thank you.