Three Little Trinkets

I have decided to name my kids in here, although the names are changed for more reason that I don’t want them to find out about this blog (and how selfish is that) hahahahaha.

Harris is my eldest and turning 14 this year. He is petite and still boyish that I feel good about because truthfully I still can’t come to terms of him having darkening upper lip hair and slowly deepening voice. I was telling a friend that I keep catching him scratching his crotch with me half yelling asking him to wash it properly. But he’s so Libra. He doesn’t f*cking care. “I wash them… they just itch!” and continues scratching in front of me with the odour of smelly armpits swimming at me.

She said, “Maybe his pubic hair is growing?” | NOOOOOO!!!! >>> Me – Panic attack!

Then Elliot is the most sensitive to my feelings. He’s Mr Leo turning 11 in August. Sometimes when he sees me zoned out, he’d come and put his arms over my shoulders with asking me to chin up to him, “Mommy, are you stressed out/sad? It’s okay. I’m here,” and gently pats my shoulder.

Just a few days ago, I caught him staring at me from the side. “Oh Mommy, you’re skin is looking beautiful right now,” he said. Like, are you kidding me son, coz my face is semi pimpled with freckles and hair. I went blurry with a, “What?” “You look beautiful Mom. Why, don’t you believe me?” “My face is full of spots hun. Nothing pretty about that.” “It’s beautiful now, then what term should I use then when the fact is it’s beautiful?” (Awwwww…)

So then there’s Tallulah, my still 8 years old cheeky Scorpion.  She’s the binder for all of us. Also my time manager. She bosses me when I’m late in the most diplomatic way, “Mommy, maybe you don’t have to put on makeup. We’re only going there for a short while right? A bit of lipstick will do just fine.” Or, “Mom, you’ll be late for work if you don’t shower now. Go go.” Or she will plan my travel route when my brain is a half baked potato.

And I suddenly miss them all writing this. Hmm. I’m so PMS-y.

Three Little Trinkets

Unfollower

I have unfollowed some friends on Facebook. They were people with whom I had toxic relationships with that I decided to get out off. I’m too nice to unfriend them (Well, actually I prefer not to deal with questions by the public) so I compromised with “unfollow”.

Getting to the life that we are at now, those people are blessed with good fortune. They are able to travel, be where they want to be, own what they want and eat as they please. I really don’t need envy within me. Moreover I have been struggling for the past few years and still am for this leg of time. So yeah, let’s be fair to me. Let my sight be gone to be content with that I have now.

So I’ve done quite okay – only up until yesterday – LoL. This itchy lady scrolled for some names and felt her green cheeks warming. It flowed down her neck. In her shoulders. Enough. I did the best thing, I logged out.

But the reflection of what I saw still repeats itself today. I feel really sorry for myself. No amount of money can match their inner happiness with mine, because what they show is only physical on social media. You don’t flaunt things that are meaningful to you. I just feel it that way.

I don’t know. Sometimes I contradict.

Maybe I wallow for just, where I am now. It’s actually not bad. I still have a roof above my head, food on my table and a car to drive around in. Count your blessings. It’s just envy that you have, woman. It’s okay. It’s normal. You’ll be fine.

Unfollower

Life-Colours

Her brain has been cluttered.

Her brain is cluttered.

She has no drive to declutter. Most of it isn’t hers. Just some bits and pieces of what she had to pick up, with no time to digest, while she moves and just fills them all up in her everywhere. Like picking up Lego pieces, pencils, paper, shorts and underpants as you walk through to the back of the house. The problem is, she has to segregate them first. Find out the source of the problem, what’s pinching, what’s growth and what’s actually brightness and life-colours. Undomesticated, unconventional, outlier and detached brain-thinking, heart absorbing workings of the inner her.  Must declutter or her brain will die. Then she gets a central short circuit when they are all inward and attached to be able to see light.

Brain Status with Current Brain Content: LATER.

Brain Status with Cusp Cancer-Leo Sister Who Talks for Constant Attention (Like, for all the time that her brain hurts because the subjects are most just unintelligible rants and nothing for her brain to process i.e. waste of time): Keep Calm and Slide ’em.

Brain Status when Asking for Intimacy: Prudent.

Yeah, why is she prudent when asking for intimacy when she needs it? Coz she is a shy person as hell. And she doesn’t even know what it means – shy as hell. Literally, it doesn’t make sense. Hell isn’t shy. Hell, is a show-off. Then again she is shy at asking but will swamp the bed when she gets it. Denial prudency. Heh.

From all things that she has gone through, she knows she is tenacious. Her heart is tenacious. She doesn’t give up although she keeps her thoughts, her words and her breath at pause sometimes. Yes, pause. It’s really the only way for her to heal. Just stay still to pull in all the strength to digest that it is really, ‘what must be done’. But she knows, that’s her purpose in this world.

She is the connector, conductor, counselor, the mediator. So what must be done, will be done – even if it hurts like hell. Because she knows she will have to faze out all the excuses all the others will feed her. She is nothing about falsifying the reality. There would be no room to improve your inner space if you keep hiding cracks on the wall.

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She has suddenly just found her strength again; and she feels like a champion today.

Life-Colours

I Don’t Even Know

It has been a long time since we went to mall. Like just go solely to walk around instead of going in to get something. We haven’t been financially strong these few years while also struggling to have time together.

Sometimes God graces you with things that He knows you need, or your children need or all the other things that you didn’t even know you needed. Luck, is God’s grace. And He graced us by allowing the kids to be able to follow their uncle’s family to stay a night at the hotel in town, and to ice skate in the tropics.

Just the idea of having the ice skating rink in the hotel had put my husband skeptical for whatever reason. Even when once I offered to pay for the hotel, just for one night’s stay. I didn’t feel like it was worth the effort to even tell him,

“I’m paying so who cares about what you think; and it’s not so much for you, it’s giving the kids something while you get to take a break on your own”.

Carpricorns can be so stubborn in places you don’t even know. But at least he knows now.

And we are all graced. Even today for me. Since he has been annoying with me feeling blegh with the whole thing altogether. I hope I’ll get to cry because this knotted feeling is just… blegh, and I’ve always had a hard time to let it out.

I just… I need a hug. And a kiss. It gets tiring to hold off something that’s just in front of you but cannot have. Sometimes others need to learn to think about other people  by themselves. You can’t keep guiding, or repeating, or suggesting but not taken. More that you have to keep explaining in detail about something repetitively that for you, knowing the surface is sufficient.

I really understand why God is allowing us time together even though I’m so annoyed with him right now. I also realize that he tries to date me, gets me coffee, etc just to get through to me when I feel like dropping a pan onto his head above and sideways.

Leaving this post hanging. Just because I want to post it and not think about it. This post started out sweet but now sketching some harassed woman with crazy orange hair playing with glue pasting everything on the walls of the house.

I Don’t Even Know

Self-Processing, the INFJ Way

I didn’t cry on the treadmill last night. It just turned out to be a whole different direction for me.

As the working hours ended, I was still calculating in my head:

  1. Do I still go on to fetch my daughter in school despite she has prearranged school transportation for home? Just because it is on the way, in between here and the gym and the house.
  2. Do I really want to get to the gym? Like, really hun?
  3. Who was I doing it for, this gym-going thingamajig?

Luckily for me, by the time I stopped thinking, I was already dealing with a little bit of traffic just 2 traffic lights before getting to the place. While I was pulling the car into parking, I found a familiar face I’ve come across before. We ended up talking for 1.5 hours standing on the parking lot with me refusing her efforts to get us to the coffee house for some drinks.

As I walked into the gym, my head was blundering yet again:

  1. Do I just hit the sauna for a gazillion hours until I shrink to L?
  2. Do I get on the treadmill and then hit the sauna for the gazillion hours until I shrink smaller like M or S?
  3. Or do I hit the sauna, then get on the treadmill, then sauna again?

So the guy at the reception said, “Exercise first, then sauna”.  Okay. No more mystery to solve then.

I fiddled with the machine since I haven’t been to it for a few months. My setting came to a very slow pace. Like, WTF is wrong with this effing thing? Err, did I just break it? Apparently it was a hiking mode that went on for 30 minutes and helped me to shed 186 calories, even more than running. Okay, congratulations to self.

It was during the walk that someone asked me to join the Zumba class. The feeling inside went:

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Yes, a feeling that I couldn’t describe.

Massive uncondensed emotion when decisions are to be made for self. This INFJ gets into internal emotional weightage turned in complicated point form of percentage. [Head banging here. Haha.]

But I went anyway. I just thought that I could get away from this creepy man who has been staring (at least I felt like he was) at my whole awesome triangular XL body shape (like, really dude?). Who knows I might enjoy Zumba? And I suppose Creepy Guy wanted to have some fun too. Then suddenly, I found him in the Zumba Studio too.

As I struggle with the dances moves, I realized that I look like Mrs Potatohead who when moving limbs is as if no limbs are available to be moved, in the mirror, while others are jiving, with Creepy Man still behind me. My bum must be tantalizing. This conversation isn’t going anywhere you know. Lolz.

So I kept myself in the sauna for 30 minutes – finally, the whole drive for me to get to the gym in the first place. YES, MADAME SAUNA SHALL MAKE ME PRETTY.

Got home, I didn’t feel tired. Struggled with sleep a little bit and woke up one hour after normal weekday morning hours. All the morning people has left for school and work. I was awesomely on time for work, but without shower. Sufficient enough that I did shower the night before and brushed my teeth then and this morning.

And today seems to be an appropriate day for a Blake Shelton playlist.

This is a good start. I must remind myself that all this, is for myself.

Self-Processing, the INFJ Way

Engaging Coffee

There was more effort that she put in today. Often with inconsistent presentation of herself, where most of the time she wears a blank sheet on her face. But today she decides to boost her spirit donning fuchsia pink, makeup and matching lipstick.

She could feel the energy pick up within her. She had prayed hard the night before and this morning for God to give her focus. It feels good that she has focus right now. Only a sudden wave of tiredness is running through her body and resting on her eyes and upper cheeks. Not good, she notes. But she does not want coffee.

Impending work is adding up. They have been segregated but she is still just staring at them, for some reason feeling at loss in the words of each document that is visible. It cannot continue like this for the rest of the day or much time would be wasted. Her, staring at them has already taken half an hour of work time.

In the back of her mind she reminds herself that she is paid to do work. How much money would she have to pay back to the company for the hours of her zoning out?

She straightens her back, clears her throat and lets out a little yawn at the same time. She knows what she has to do. Things need to move as many as it could for her today. Just to concentrate on today first. This is fair to her as well as to her employer. It is not complicated. It is solved. She gets up and no longer Hesitate making that mug of strong black coffee for herself.

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Engaging Coffee