Yellow Fish

Having rained the night before, today begins slow and cool. I have been tardy this week. Elliot is unwell. He has enlarged neck glands for the past 2 days. Lucky for me, I didn’t get him any ice cream for his birthday yesterday.  This swelling began appearing since 2 years ago.

As say WebMD: The glands on either side of the neck, under the jaw, or behind the ears commonly swell when you have a cold or sore throat. Glands can also swell following an injury, such as a cut or bite, near the gland or when a tumor or infection occurs in the mouth, head, or neck.

Then I began searching for change.

I was talking to my sister last night and it was about adjusting expenses for me. It’s the thing that keeps me awake at night. The plans of how to maintain/improve the household when any of our parents pass on. Our father has willed that the house cannot be sold unless all his children are married. Then the ones living in the house have to pay the ones staying out, rent.

It was a good conversation. She gave me insight, as I did her. Then I tell her that she should look at buying a property. It doesn’t matter whether she will stay there or not. It’s the fact that after after 5 years or so when she finally settles in with her life, she can sell it off anytime.

There are many things I have to do to improve my life. But like I tell her, my intention is huge (to clearing clutter in the house) but to think that in the end I WILL end up doing it alone, so it’s just…

So this morning I looked at migrating. I wish I can. I just need to drop everything else and move somewhere else. Just stay there until I’m bored and then leave. Somewhere I can live debt-less and create jewelry, shoes that can fit this boat sized swollen-like feet etc. It is far fetched. But all those things that I think of doing, I can do them now here from where I am.

I need to de-clutter. De-clutter our rooms, our corridors, our spare room, our patios. This is knowing that no one else will help. Knowing that I am so relied on when clearing things physically and emotionally. Knowing that I am tired of doing and then everyone else seems to have a better idea about it. But if I don’t do it, who will? And after all I don’t ever see us moving out. I don’t ever see that anyone else will be able to take care of it. So I must do it because it will satisfy me that I am improving my quality of life, even if it takes heartaches to do it.

I know I am different, and there is reason why I am. My family is one who won’t decide but expects of you to give/provide/offer. I only expect you have the best for yourself, just because you ought to. I must not forget my strength, that I am not like them. Buying new things or staying still won’t improve lives; improvement is making what you have better to suit you.

It is a good time to unfurl. This woman needs the wind of change – improvement of living, increasing life satisfaction even if it means me doing it alone. And I think that wishing itself is already a good start. It shows that I’m already out of the box.

Sensory overload, it says.

I was on some depressing emotional rampage for the past few weeks. Left questions unanswered on forums, that led to thinking if I am crazy. Approached my sister on how to see a psychiatrist in the hospital because I feel that I could be in a depressive period right now. She explained, I took note and went home.

Then I began blasting at DH telling him I was unhappy and everyone else was ignoring me like I’m invisible. One by one. Up to the second day, he tells me that he doesn’t know what I want, because he was responding to me.

(Okay, between now and the man married earlier, he has flexed 90% to attempt absorbing my membrane. He is trying, bending for me; which I appreciate very much.)

I let it cool. Before, I began prodding into forums asking stuffs randomly – I couldn’t put my finger on anything. Not until someone approached me and told me that I had been sucking the bad energy from everyone. My soul was open and doing clean up charity work for other people, who all happened to be in a delirious state of mind, through the weeks. That was why I frazzled, foggy and lost, and bumping conversations in my head full of cloudiness whatevers.

He asked me, “Haven’t you noticed how drained you have been, just carrying yourself around?”

It was true. I had been falling asleep against my will, in a fashion I never was. Knocking out on the workstation before lunch for solid 1 hour sleep. Or keep going in and out of sleep trance for 2 hours in the afternoon. Hmm.

Moving on, I posted on an inquiry again on forums, and the question returned was if I was feeling the hurt emotionally or physically. It took me overnight to think of an answer. And I forgot that I am an empath and INFJ. I was feeling it emotionally, it was affecting me physically.

So I am reminding myself that CANNOT be an open book.

I forgot and became vulnerable. And now I have to be pissed all the time because that’s the only thing that works so far that I can remember.

 

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I must remember this. But alas.

Three Little Trinkets

I have decided to name my kids in here, although the names are changed for more reason that I don’t want them to find out about this blog (and how selfish is that) hahahahaha.

Harris is my eldest and turning 14 this year. He is petite and still boyish that I feel good about because truthfully I still can’t come to terms of him having darkening upper lip hair and slowly deepening voice. I was telling a friend that I keep catching him scratching his crotch with me half yelling asking him to wash it properly. But he’s so Libra. He doesn’t f*cking care. “I wash them… they just itch!” and continues scratching in front of me with the odour of smelly armpits swimming at me.

She said, “Maybe his pubic hair is growing?” | NOOOOOO!!!! >>> Me – Panic attack!

Then Elliot is the most sensitive to my feelings. He’s Mr Leo turning 11 in August. Sometimes when he sees me zoned out, he’d come and put his arms over my shoulders with asking me to chin up to him, “Mommy, are you stressed out/sad? It’s okay. I’m here,” and gently pats my shoulder.

Just a few days ago, I caught him staring at me from the side. “Oh Mommy, you’re skin is looking beautiful right now,” he said. Like, are you kidding me son, coz my face is semi pimpled with freckles and hair. I went blurry with a, “What?” “You look beautiful Mom. Why, don’t you believe me?” “My face is full of spots hun. Nothing pretty about that.” “It’s beautiful now, then what term should I use then when the fact is it’s beautiful?” (Awwwww…)

So then there’s Tallulah, my still 8 years old cheeky Scorpion.  She’s the binder for all of us. Also my time manager. She bosses me when I’m late in the most diplomatic way, “Mommy, maybe you don’t have to put on makeup. We’re only going there for a short while right? A bit of lipstick will do just fine.” Or, “Mom, you’ll be late for work if you don’t shower now. Go go.” Or she will plan my travel route when my brain is a half baked potato.

And I suddenly miss them all writing this. Hmm. I’m so PMS-y.

Unfollower

I have unfollowed some friends on Facebook. They were people with whom I had toxic relationships with that I decided to get out off. I’m too nice to unfriend them (Well, actually I prefer not to deal with questions by the public) so I compromised with “unfollow”.

Getting to the life that we are at now, those people are blessed with good fortune. They are able to travel, be where they want to be, own what they want and eat as they please. I really don’t need envy within me. Moreover I have been struggling for the past few years and still am for this leg of time. So yeah, let’s be fair to me. Let my sight be gone to be content with that I have now.

So I’ve done quite okay – only up until yesterday – LoL. This itchy lady scrolled for some names and felt her green cheeks warming. It flowed down her neck. In her shoulders. Enough. I did the best thing, I logged out.

But the reflection of what I saw still repeats itself today. I feel really sorry for myself. No amount of money can match their inner happiness with mine, because what they show is only physical on social media. You don’t flaunt things that are meaningful to you. I just feel it that way.

I don’t know. Sometimes I contradict.

Maybe I wallow for just, where I am now. It’s actually not bad. I still have a roof above my head, food on my table and a car to drive around in. Count your blessings. It’s just envy that you have, woman. It’s okay. It’s normal. You’ll be fine.

Life-Colours

Her brain has been cluttered.

Her brain is cluttered.

She has no drive to declutter. Most of it isn’t hers. Just some bits and pieces of what she had to pick up, with no time to digest, while she moves and just fills them all up in her everywhere. Like picking up Lego pieces, pencils, paper, shorts and underpants as you walk through to the back of the house. The problem is, she has to segregate them first. Find out the source of the problem, what’s pinching, what’s growth and what’s actually brightness and life-colours. Undomesticated, unconventional, outlier and detached brain-thinking, heart absorbing workings of the inner her.  Must declutter or her brain will die. Then she gets a central short circuit when they are all inward and attached to be able to see light.

Brain Status with Current Brain Content: LATER.

Brain Status with Cusp Cancer-Leo Sister Who Talks for Constant Attention (Like, for all the time that her brain hurts because the subjects are most just unintelligible rants and nothing for her brain to process i.e. waste of time): Keep Calm and Slide ’em.

Brain Status when Asking for Intimacy: Prudent.

Yeah, why is she prudent when asking for intimacy when she needs it? Coz she is a shy person as hell. And she doesn’t even know what it means – shy as hell. Literally, it doesn’t make sense. Hell isn’t shy. Hell, is a show-off. Then again she is shy at asking but will swamp the bed when she gets it. Denial prudency. Heh.

From all things that she has gone through, she knows she is tenacious. Her heart is tenacious. She doesn’t give up although she keeps her thoughts, her words and her breath at pause sometimes. Yes, pause. It’s really the only way for her to heal. Just stay still to pull in all the strength to digest that it is really, ‘what must be done’. But she knows, that’s her purpose in this world.

She is the connector, conductor, counselor, the mediator. So what must be done, will be done – even if it hurts like hell. Because she knows she will have to faze out all the excuses all the others will feed her. She is nothing about falsifying the reality. There would be no room to improve your inner space if you keep hiding cracks on the wall.

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She has suddenly just found her strength again; and she feels like a champion today.

I Don’t Even Know

It has been a long time since we went to mall. Like just go solely to walk around instead of going in to get something. We haven’t been financially strong these few years while also struggling to have time together.

Sometimes God graces you with things that He knows you need, or your children need or all the other things that you didn’t even know you needed. Luck, is God’s grace. And He graced us by allowing the kids to be able to follow their uncle’s family to stay a night at the hotel in town, and to ice skate in the tropics.

Just the idea of having the ice skating rink in the hotel had put my husband skeptical for whatever reason. Even when once I offered to pay for the hotel, just for one night’s stay. I didn’t feel like it was worth the effort to even tell him,

“I’m paying so who cares about what you think; and it’s not so much for you, it’s giving the kids something while you get to take a break on your own”.

Carpricorns can be so stubborn in places you don’t even know. But at least he knows now.

And we are all graced. Even today for me. Since he has been annoying with me feeling blegh with the whole thing altogether. I hope I’ll get to cry because this knotted feeling is just… blegh, and I’ve always had a hard time to let it out.

I just… I need a hug. And a kiss. It gets tiring to hold off something that’s just in front of you but cannot have. Sometimes others need to learn to think about other people  by themselves. You can’t keep guiding, or repeating, or suggesting but not taken. More that you have to keep explaining in detail about something repetitively that for you, knowing the surface is sufficient.

I really understand why God is allowing us time together even though I’m so annoyed with him right now. I also realize that he tries to date me, gets me coffee, etc just to get through to me when I feel like dropping a pan onto his head above and sideways.

Leaving this post hanging. Just because I want to post it and not think about it. This post started out sweet but now sketching some harassed woman with crazy orange hair playing with glue pasting everything on the walls of the house.