This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

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Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
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Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |

Yellow Fish

Having rained the night before, today begins slow and cool. I have been tardy this week. Elliot is unwell. He has enlarged neck glands for the past 2 days. Lucky for me, I didn’t get him any ice cream for his birthday yesterday.  This swelling began appearing since 2 years ago.

As say WebMD: The glands on either side of the neck, under the jaw, or behind the ears commonly swell when you have a cold or sore throat. Glands can also swell following an injury, such as a cut or bite, near the gland or when a tumor or infection occurs in the mouth, head, or neck.

Then I began searching for change.

I was talking to my sister last night and it was about adjusting expenses for me. It’s the thing that keeps me awake at night. The plans of how to maintain/improve the household when any of our parents pass on. Our father has willed that the house cannot be sold unless all his children are married. Then the ones living in the house have to pay the ones staying out, rent.

It was a good conversation. She gave me insight, as I did her. Then I tell her that she should look at buying a property. It doesn’t matter whether she will stay there or not. It’s the fact that after after 5 years or so when she finally settles in with her life, she can sell it off anytime.

There are many things I have to do to improve my life. But like I tell her, my intention is huge (to clearing clutter in the house) but to think that in the end I WILL end up doing it alone, so it’s just…

So this morning I looked at migrating. I wish I can. I just need to drop everything else and move somewhere else. Just stay there until I’m bored and then leave. Somewhere I can live debt-less and create jewelry, shoes that can fit this boat sized swollen-like feet etc. It is far fetched. But all those things that I think of doing, I can do them now here from where I am.

I need to de-clutter. De-clutter our rooms, our corridors, our spare room, our patios. This is knowing that no one else will help. Knowing that I am so relied on when clearing things physically and emotionally. Knowing that I am tired of doing and then everyone else seems to have a better idea about it. But if I don’t do it, who will? And after all I don’t ever see us moving out. I don’t ever see that anyone else will be able to take care of it. So I must do it because it will satisfy me that I am improving my quality of life, even if it takes heartaches to do it.

I know I am different, and there is reason why I am. My family is one who won’t decide but expects of you to give/provide/offer. I only expect you have the best for yourself, just because you ought to. I must not forget my strength, that I am not like them. Buying new things or staying still won’t improve lives; improvement is making what you have better to suit you.

It is a good time to unfurl. This woman needs the wind of change – improvement of living, increasing life satisfaction even if it means me doing it alone. And I think that wishing itself is already a good start. It shows that I’m already out of the box.

Sensory overload, it says.

I was on some depressing emotional rampage for the past few weeks. Left questions unanswered on forums, that led to thinking if I am crazy. Approached my sister on how to see a psychiatrist in the hospital because I feel that I could be in a depressive period right now. She explained, I took note and went home.

Then I began blasting at DH telling him I was unhappy and everyone else was ignoring me like I’m invisible. One by one. Up to the second day, he tells me that he doesn’t know what I want, because he was responding to me.

(Okay, between now and the man married earlier, he has flexed 90% to attempt absorbing my membrane. He is trying, bending for me; which I appreciate very much.)

I let it cool. Before, I began prodding into forums asking stuffs randomly – I couldn’t put my finger on anything. Not until someone approached me and told me that I had been sucking the bad energy from everyone. My soul was open and doing clean up charity work for other people, who all happened to be in a delirious state of mind, through the weeks. That was why I frazzled, foggy and lost, and bumping conversations in my head full of cloudiness whatevers.

He asked me, “Haven’t you noticed how drained you have been, just carrying yourself around?”

It was true. I had been falling asleep against my will, in a fashion I never was. Knocking out on the workstation before lunch for solid 1 hour sleep. Or keep going in and out of sleep trance for 2 hours in the afternoon. Hmm.

Moving on, I posted on an inquiry again on forums, and the question returned was if I was feeling the hurt emotionally or physically. It took me overnight to think of an answer. And I forgot that I am an empath and INFJ. I was feeling it emotionally, it was affecting me physically.

So I am reminding myself that CANNOT be an open book.

I forgot and became vulnerable. And now I have to be pissed all the time because that’s the only thing that works so far that I can remember.

 

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I must remember this. But alas.

Three Little Trinkets

I have decided to name my kids in here, although the names are changed for more reason that I don’t want them to find out about this blog (and how selfish is that) hahahahaha.

Harris is my eldest and turning 14 this year. He is petite and still boyish that I feel good about because truthfully I still can’t come to terms of him having darkening upper lip hair and slowly deepening voice. I was telling a friend that I keep catching him scratching his crotch with me half yelling asking him to wash it properly. But he’s so Libra. He doesn’t f*cking care. “I wash them… they just itch!” and continues scratching in front of me with the odour of smelly armpits swimming at me.

She said, “Maybe his pubic hair is growing?” | NOOOOOO!!!! >>> Me – Panic attack!

Then Elliot is the most sensitive to my feelings. He’s Mr Leo turning 11 in August. Sometimes when he sees me zoned out, he’d come and put his arms over my shoulders with asking me to chin up to him, “Mommy, are you stressed out/sad? It’s okay. I’m here,” and gently pats my shoulder.

Just a few days ago, I caught him staring at me from the side. “Oh Mommy, you’re skin is looking beautiful right now,” he said. Like, are you kidding me son, coz my face is semi pimpled with freckles and hair. I went blurry with a, “What?” “You look beautiful Mom. Why, don’t you believe me?” “My face is full of spots hun. Nothing pretty about that.” “It’s beautiful now, then what term should I use then when the fact is it’s beautiful?” (Awwwww…)

So then there’s Tallulah, my still 8 years old cheeky Scorpion.  She’s the binder for all of us. Also my time manager. She bosses me when I’m late in the most diplomatic way, “Mommy, maybe you don’t have to put on makeup. We’re only going there for a short while right? A bit of lipstick will do just fine.” Or, “Mom, you’ll be late for work if you don’t shower now. Go go.” Or she will plan my travel route when my brain is a half baked potato.

And I suddenly miss them all writing this. Hmm. I’m so PMS-y.

Unfollower

I have unfollowed some friends on Facebook. They were people with whom I had toxic relationships with that I decided to get out off. I’m too nice to unfriend them (Well, actually I prefer not to deal with questions by the public) so I compromised with “unfollow”.

Getting to the life that we are at now, those people are blessed with good fortune. They are able to travel, be where they want to be, own what they want and eat as they please. I really don’t need envy within me. Moreover I have been struggling for the past few years and still am for this leg of time. So yeah, let’s be fair to me. Let my sight be gone to be content with that I have now.

So I’ve done quite okay – only up until yesterday – LoL. This itchy lady scrolled for some names and felt her green cheeks warming. It flowed down her neck. In her shoulders. Enough. I did the best thing, I logged out.

But the reflection of what I saw still repeats itself today. I feel really sorry for myself. No amount of money can match their inner happiness with mine, because what they show is only physical on social media. You don’t flaunt things that are meaningful to you. I just feel it that way.

I don’t know. Sometimes I contradict.

Maybe I wallow for just, where I am now. It’s actually not bad. I still have a roof above my head, food on my table and a car to drive around in. Count your blessings. It’s just envy that you have, woman. It’s okay. It’s normal. You’ll be fine.