2019: Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

You’ve thrown yourself in much sorrow this year. Constant sadness that drowns anyone else along the way, so you don’t want to share them for the fear that you might. They may swim away from you. All you fear is the abandonment. The rejection.

Feel all of this now please. Be with it for a while. Because you will leave it all behind in 2019. Move forward. Find inspirations. Have aspirations. Be in sync with passion (although you must find it first).

I love you more than you know. You always feel you are undeserving of such love. Such selfless self who gives more than you should.

So you deserve that comedy show booking that you will find some time. You also deserve that concert and that holiday you’re regretting to have paid for already. You deserve to be pushed. That’s all you need, because you need to be free.

Be free. Forgive other people for the things they didn’t know any better of. Remember the good people and experiences you had. Remember the depression and how you climbed out of it. Remember the self-pity and internal cries of ignored you are (although it is really self-inflicted); and how you’re going to be free from.

You will be free. One step at a time.

I hope you’ll enjoy 2020, in all fears that you have.

Love.

Turning Hearts

At 42, we should all be mature adults. But some things have not changed, apparently. Or maybe that is what my mind is cheating me into thinking.

I am making amends. For all things I asked, I can see it is turning into it now in front of my eyes. He is making me see the change because I am asking for everything to turn out to be good. And they are being shown to me.

So many other hearts maybe dissatisfied with my doing right now. But I can only satisfy my own. Knowing in my gut that I am responsible with what I say, what I do and what I decide. I take charge of me. And I am answerable to nobody.

Is that selfish? Or somewhat rigid? I don’t feel it. I only feel me.

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The curse of INFJ

I am brash. Self critical. Self deny. Feeling unhappy is a constant cycle. Shout. Rage. Tempestuous. Ugly cry. Wall face. Fear to fall. Fearless when done. Inner conflict. Suffering. Guilt. Burden. Latching off. Independence. Numbness. Care. Love.

So much love. So much pain. So much guilt. Hate rejection. Hate hate.

Sitting duck.

Please come to bed with me, and place your hand over my head to keep me safe. Because I’m tired of this cycle.

I need to take a break from myself.

For the life and love for this INFJ. 

Strength is not an easy thing to achieve. But you have to work on it. It takes effort. Then, it would take time. However, you fall back on effort; because you don’t have the fire to burn it for yourself. Every so often also you will self-sabotage causing further unnecessary pain. So you wallow, feel the lack of love and start to eat anything and everything that comes in your way. You do know you have yourself to blame. Until it gets to the time you know you deserve to feel happy.

It falls flat. This new realisation comes when daily life is so busy that you have no time to think for yourself; having to make quick, clever decisions and get done to get on with something else. Yes, it will be loathed. There will be a lot of cursing and telling as well as reminding yourself and everyone else about their stupidity as it goes. But you, get through the day. You, would have achieved something. You, would in the end feel purposeful and done good.

Papers strewn all over. Workstation is acceptable clean and organised but not at the standard of national clean and tidy or normalcy. But they are workable. 3 types of 3 things that reminds you of who you are and allow a glimmer of smile at the edge of you heart on mundane days. You always know there is something you can settle. Even that can of soda that has been sitting on the workstation for over a year has meaning, just because it’s more soothing to look at than to drink it because it will finish and become trash.

There are also days you need to write first before you can work. Eat first, read the news and gossip first, coffee first… those are you little factors.

Happiness, picked up in tiny spaces, little things. Kisses on the forehead, rubbing nose with the cat, purple lipstick, olive green eyeliner, the colour of fabric hanging on the liners. Little things. Little things matter. You matter. It will rain, there will be sunshine and flowers. There will be a rainbow. Hang in there. You know you love yourself, only sometimes you forget how, and how to get back into the cycle. But you know you really do love yourself. Never compromise of how important you are, especially with yourself.

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The Daily Prompt: RestartAbove | Messy | Fabric | Typical | Branch | Fact | Uncompromising

 

This constant struggle, is ugly.

In all fogginess I have lost myself. Little struggles. Refusal to be blindsided so I chose to stop looking. The difference in me treading along now is it is easier now than it was before. Letting go is easier. But I owe you an apology for being so…

I know my entries has been sporadically too high or too low. Each time I tell myself I have mental health issues, I realize that I am just an unhappy INFJ. And this unhappiness is common. I try not to wonder why but it helps to realign me back into some kind of perspective after re-realizing unhappy INFJ. Not just a figment of my own imagination.

So yesterday morning, I had this sudden this tap water flowing cry out of no apparent reason. They just kept coming and coming. In the office. Breakdown. Tissues encrusted all over me. It was sobbing cry, close to being to the ugly cry. I was missing friends. And after months of silence, I lunched with the beautiful Ms Brown.

“I think I’m sad. I’ve been sad for a looong time,” I said as my eyes glazed over the restaurant window.

She looked onto me, just pouring with emotion. Momentarily shaking her head. “But you can’t live it unhappy. You shouldn’t have to go through the same thing again. You deserve good.”

Yes, Ms Brown. You are right. My astral movements has been off the charts. You are asking me to go through the exercises I asked you to do when you were going through your rough patch. You are also making me yearn for savoury food and a whole lot of chicken requirement in my diet. And smoked salmon.

Just one step at a time. I will congregate with the rest of the human race and sort myself out again. Even when my own imagination can’t put myself there.

This wallowing is comforting. Yes, I know it’s bad for me. Such fear to find the courage again. To be okay without having the need for validation. Fearsome.

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The Daily Prompt: Courage | Compromise | Constant | Encrusted |Conversant | Astral | Congregate | Imagination

The First Step

Finances.

We really suck at it. I got a slap on the face when my mobile line was barred today. Haih.

So I have been reviewing expenses. The fault where it is, is the personal loan that I took taking a chunk of my paycheck to pay it off. It will still go on forever based on the phone call I made to the bank – June 2025; 7 long years to go. Adam would probably by then, already be finishing university; and I’d be as old as I would be, still paying them off.

Then it is the paying off the car. I would actually like to know when that will end.

After a 6 hour gap of calling everything and every other thing… Everything will end beyond 4 years from now. Churns the stomach to see how all will end in the 2020s. No refinancing is available for all the loans taken, and I’m just stuck with the awesome figures to play with until the end of time (or so it feels like it).

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I just feel so… Okay… I’m gonna go… and cry now…

The fits I get to get offline.

I spent days at work, nights with Sunshine running for book fairs and food. We have been unexpectedly slowly gearing up for school where we got stationery for half the price the shops would have charged us. Half the price for school revision books as well as mine. Adam got his aviation books at 60-70% off. But I am so upset with him right now.

Elliot has been confiscating my phone in the middle of the night to play his Pokemon. But he would leave them fully charged or somewhere near to it when I wake up in the morning, place it somewhere I can find it.

This morning however, both DH and I were still knocked out at 8:10am. (Un)fortunately today, he was still knocked out at 8:10 in the morning.

Fact: DH has this body clock that sets itself. So he rarely can ever sleep more than past 7:00am. Light sleeper too, will wake up at triggering sounds. Too bad for him. And he’s nice enough to let me sleep in whenever it is appropriate (lol).

But today, I woke up half surprised. I was trying to figure out what happened to the alarm. This was walking from bed to shower, to clothing myself. I couldn’t find my phone. Bedside, foot of the bed, bottom of the bed. I went straight to the boys’ room. It wasn’t anywhere on Elliot. But I found it on Adam’s bed. It was dead. My phone was dead. Elliot, who has similar sleeping pattern as his dad, woke up, “It wasn’t me; it was Adam”. Hastily I replied, “I know”.

So my mouth went on a light blabber rampage on the inconveniences I have been having with the boys. Even the day before, I brought them uniform shopping and Adam just refused to try for best sizing.

“Here, try 15” – Why?

“Just put them on” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably.

“Small, try 16” – I’ve put on the shirt on already just now.

“That was small. Try a slightly bigger size now.” – Shrugs. Puts on irritably. 2nd time.

Nonchalantly answering me with “I’ve tried it already just now… How many times do I have to try… No need to try another one, or this one again…”

This process went on… and he found one shirt he insisted on buying; a size 12 for 12 year old. He is 14. Okay. He insisted on not acquiring pants because he got a hands-me-down from a family friend that he said would suffice. Okay. He insisted on not getting shoes because he, “…Can still use the one from the last term”. Okay. Socks? Okay to buy. Underpants – No need. Singlet – No need. So only 2, size 12 top and 6 pairs of socks.

So late last night, after sewing names on the track bottoms and singlets, I asked him to put on the shirt he chose, with the pants he insisted would suffice. He looked like an overshot carrot with a James Dean top. I was flat lined. I think this is a common trait moms have. We get flat lined all the time. Like we know what the outcome would be, and then flat lined when it happens. Repeat.

Then when my husband comes from football, I had to repeat this 3 times.

“Adam refused to try properly and insisted on using the hand-me-down pants. I got him to try them on with his new shirt top. He looked ridiculous. So now, I’d have to run down back to the mall go get an exchange for the shirt and get him new pants.”

Him: Oh. It didn’t fit? Did you get the wrong size?

“He insisted on what he had chosen.” – me, talking about the shirt.

Him: Oh, so now you’d have to get him new pants?

“Yes, that too.”

Him: (Looking confused) Which one are we talking about?

I repeated.

Him: Oooh… It would be so even more dreadful if you’d have to change the tops you got him yesterday too.

Me, “Of course I have to change the tops,” eyes rolling.

Him: You mean the tops don’t fit?

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ME YELLING INTERNALLY – OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… – TO INFINITY AND BEYOND… It was like my brain was having multiple orgasm so bad that I just lay there on the bed and went offline.

So I now can see clearly how these to men connect. Genetically. Hmm. Well, that’s great news. I’m stuck with them FOREVER.

I have preempted Adam to:

  1. Don’t say no when I ask him to try something.
  2. Don’t make any mistake in choosing this next time, or he would be going to school wearing previous term’s fitting. With leg pants hanging almost half his calf.
  3. Just get whatever I tell him he should.

All he did was grin cheek to cheek.

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I told myself, let’s just put myself to bed. I just… Too much… Full RAM. I cannot anymore. And just stop everything for a while. Yeah.

But when I woke up so late, finding my dead phone on Adam’s bed…

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And at the end of the day from work, and thinking of how to get back home, pick him up, and drive back to change at the mall, it does bubble some resentment. With this sudden urge to poop too, so that doesn’t help at all. Also all of that and my boss just walked in at the end of the day.

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Let’s just see how this goes.

Can I add that my husband will finally be on leave and plans for a just us holiday, and he still doesn’t know where yet to go? It is just the day after tomorrow.

Good luck to me. I’m just so stuck with this.

Edited: Some sentences got delivered some other way that they missed the point. Maybe because I haven’t been able to get any of my men to the point, I’ve lost my way while writing this as well. Lol. Haih.

The Daily Post: Compass

Sunshine, Eden and Sue.

I went on a trip where I was really just apprehensive before leaving for. Internally I was telling myself that it was something I needed but at the same time I was convinced the plane would fall with me in it (Not that I’ve never flown before. It’s just that each time I’m about to menstruate I feel like it’s my last departure at life. I know…). And when I went on it, I wasn’t sure if I did let go and let live myself with it.

There are things that I’m amazed with afterwards. It’s this connection with 3 other random people whom I met up only once for a 2-day external training last year. We literally went into a group chat just a month before the trip. The chemistry works I guess. And I’m like, now wondering how easily we were in underwear, t-shirts, bra-less, even one went to the loo next to me while I doing my eyebrows over the sink.

Why did I go through it feeling fuzzy? Hey dear self, please don’t be so blur within yourself please.

Okay let me draw it out like Dumbledore does to pull out his memories.

  1. I had to trust myself that I’m good with whatever was decided on.
  2. To stop and enjoy whatever cultural things they had on, to go peer and discover.
  3. I had to decide which material that I saw I liked best and wanted to bring home.

So I only brought back 4 food items and several pieces of material. Sunshine on the other hand, burst own baggage and we had to purchase check-in baggage.

This was hilarious enough for me because I packed for both of us. Light stuffs in backpack, heavy ones in the package to check in. Mine would all fit into my backpack and cabin luggage. So a few hours before leaving for the airport, Sunshine decided she needed to visit the nearby culture street around the hotel. Off we went and she came back with and extra 2kgs of things that… imposed the penalty for having an excess of 1.5kg for the check-in luggage.

Note: She warned me about to not bring back anything because she has not intention whatsoever to buy check-in luggage. OKAY Sunshine…

Another Note: We had to buy check-in luggage the night before.

Sunshine is just rearing to go. She has already set another place for us to go in a few months. I appreciate her transparency. So I to told her, “Don’t be buying yourself anything now coz we ain’t buying any check-in luggage for that trip!” Sheepish is a word. She has her sight set on kitchenware. I have no idea.

So did I enjoy myself? I suppose so. I let myself do whatever I felt like. I burned easily like Eden with all sensitive skin. Together we waited under trees for Sue and Sunshine jumping all over under the sun at noon. I suppose we are just, take it as we are.

DH didn’t try to call me throughout my entire trip. Neither did I. I didn’t feel like it (insert outburst laughter here). I think he was trying to give me the time respect as I have been giving him for his whatevers. He made time for the kids, brought them to the supermarket, dinner and I’m thankful for that. Maybe I need to do this more often then? And he has since began calling me at random times again. I suppose that’s a good thing. *muah muah*

Sunshine, Eden and Sue. These new people will definitely be somewhere in my future. Hopefully, for a very long time.

 

This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey