I must be invisible. No. Oh, crap.

DH won’t add me on social media. It has been quite a task when wanting to share info/articles/holiday places with him. And so last night one of his brothers threw a surprise party for Elliot. When coming home, he stayed so long fixing his IG posting the photos and videos. It continued to morning.

“I never get to see them,” I said.

“See what?”

“The photos, the videos. Whatever that I don’t have. Whatever that I can never see.”

Here’s where the hurt deepens. My sister has a problem. She is a people person who claims to be an introverted person, constant chatter, who likes to get into people’s laundry just because it will all make her feel better. It’s insincere. I have accepted that I cannot (no longer have the tolerance to) digest her.

So, we attended an event that DH posted a video of in his IG. She texted him within minutes asking him to send her the video copy. *crickets*  I repeat. Asking Making him to send.

I didn’t even know he posted anything. I will never know. I am never going to be on his friend list. And my freaky sister gets to follow him. I’m his F wife.

“I don’t see what’s the problem? I don’t understand.”

“You know what?” pulling my phone close, “I’m just gonna private my account. It makes life nicer for me. I mean, how kind was I to open it to public just so you could see what photos I put of our kids. But you know what? Why should I care in the first place? It’s so stupid to always consider other people rather than considering myself or what satisfies me. Everybody else knows what you put in there except this woman (pointing to self). So it’s okay to feel a little bit stupid when people talk to you about your DH’s IG and you answer ‘Oh sorry, he tells me I can never be his friend on IG or FB’ to them.”

“You public your IG?”

“It doesn’t matter. Easier for me to do this. I don’t need to meddle in whatever sh*tty feeling (that I’m so sure I’m gonna dwell in) so done. It’s private now.”

At 9AM, he sends me a message saying he has public his IG. I told him I don’t give a F. He persists for me to see. I told him, “No need. Thanks.”

I can’t even capture a word to how this all feels. It segregates my solitary feeling into silo. Not to the level of being in an emotional trance yet, but it’s within vicinity; like reciting the sounds of a humming bird. I don’t even know if it makes any sense to you. Well actually, I don’t care.

And so as the morning went, it turns out that indicatively I am to clear turds for other people this week. All unknown turds that are not mine. Oh just crap. Just please wish me luck.

Yellow Fish

Having rained the night before, today begins slow and cool. I have been tardy this week. Elliot is unwell. He has enlarged neck glands for the past 2 days. Lucky for me, I didn’t get him any ice cream for his birthday yesterday.  This swelling began appearing since 2 years ago.

As say WebMD: The glands on either side of the neck, under the jaw, or behind the ears commonly swell when you have a cold or sore throat. Glands can also swell following an injury, such as a cut or bite, near the gland or when a tumor or infection occurs in the mouth, head, or neck.

Then I began searching for change.

I was talking to my sister last night and it was about adjusting expenses for me. It’s the thing that keeps me awake at night. The plans of how to maintain/improve the household when any of our parents pass on. Our father has willed that the house cannot be sold unless all his children are married. Then the ones living in the house have to pay the ones staying out, rent.

It was a good conversation. She gave me insight, as I did her. Then I tell her that she should look at buying a property. It doesn’t matter whether she will stay there or not. It’s the fact that after after 5 years or so when she finally settles in with her life, she can sell it off anytime.

There are many things I have to do to improve my life. But like I tell her, my intention is huge (to clearing clutter in the house) but to think that in the end I WILL end up doing it alone, so it’s just…

So this morning I looked at migrating. I wish I can. I just need to drop everything else and move somewhere else. Just stay there until I’m bored and then leave. Somewhere I can live debt-less and create jewelry, shoes that can fit this boat sized swollen-like feet etc. It is far fetched. But all those things that I think of doing, I can do them now here from where I am.

I need to de-clutter. De-clutter our rooms, our corridors, our spare room, our patios. This is knowing that no one else will help. Knowing that I am so relied on when clearing things physically and emotionally. Knowing that I am tired of doing and then everyone else seems to have a better idea about it. But if I don’t do it, who will? And after all I don’t ever see us moving out. I don’t ever see that anyone else will be able to take care of it. So I must do it because it will satisfy me that I am improving my quality of life, even if it takes heartaches to do it.

I know I am different, and there is reason why I am. My family is one who won’t decide but expects of you to give/provide/offer. I only expect you have the best for yourself, just because you ought to. I must not forget my strength, that I am not like them. Buying new things or staying still won’t improve lives; improvement is making what you have better to suit you.

It is a good time to unfurl. This woman needs the wind of change – improvement of living, increasing life satisfaction even if it means me doing it alone. And I think that wishing itself is already a good start. It shows that I’m already out of the box.

Many years apart except one day

Today is Elliot’s birthday. Today is also Donnie’s birthday. They are nineteen years apart. I am 11 years apart from Donnie. And 30 years apart from Elliot (Please ignore if I’m not making any sense right now).

Today has also been a challenge for me to stay awake. I did fall flat sleeping. I still feel a tad sleepy despite the power nap 10 minutes that left my right eye grainy blur for the next 10 minutes. How I slept, I have no idea! I’m the worst employee (I’m so sorry, Boss – I’m crap at the job you’re hiring me for)! The things that happen as I grow older, have been unbelievable. I caught myself dozing on the chair facing upwards a few days ago. I know, that’s just nasty…

I managed to drive myself at lunch in fighting spirit to fight off the sleepy, to get 2 tiny cakes – one for Elliot, one for my brother. My gift for Donnie will always be Elliot, year in year out. But this year, he gets himself a tiny cake from me. Lol.

I need to go home now.

Bye.

Being thankful is being sincere to oneself. Be nice. Your heart will be at peace.

I have lists to do.

But before that:

  1. I left my phone at home. Accidentally. However I am thankful that I still can message through Web WhatsApp.
  2. My boss gave me some fruit plant from her hometown. I should be thankful for this too because she is stingy and frugal.
  3. Had mushroom soup and toast bread for breakfast. Never too early for mushroom soup. I think I may want to make beef stew for whatever this week. Lasagna would be nice too. But it’s too much work for this lazy person.
  4. I was stuck in a jam that was 10 minutes moving as much as 5 meters this morning. Then stop. Then an inch. I was lucky to be able to u-turn and got to the office through the back road.
  5. There is makeup on my face today. Just because I feel like it.
  6. My watch is in timeless mode. So I tried to look for DH’s to use. Apparently all 3 (including mine) has departed. I am timeless.
  7. I got Davidoff Cafe Grande Cuvee Rich Aroma trial pack. Actually it was my mom who got it for free. So I am hanging on to every sip of it twice a day. It is the only thing that makes any sense.

Lists help to organize my brain. Sometimes it’s no longer cluttered. But it needs just a little bit of tidy. Nothing’s done in a jiffy. Not for me. I take time. Longer time than others take to do things. Although I’m pretty clean going when I’m in the kitchen so that kind of longer time pays beautiful bonuses when you are clean as you go.

I must tell you that for the past 4 weeks, it has been quite challenging for me. I have been working late for almost that long of duration, leaving on an average of 6.30PM-7.00PM. The constant heat glaring sun and suddenly the raining all day long for many days. The menses. Prickle emotion roller coaster. Sudden pitfall in logic and purview. The falling asleep at odd hours, odd positions – just odd.

And so I have been adapting myself to writing lists again. I don’t know why I refuse to do it, like, why I stopped. But then again I do weird things to myself. Self-obstruct in endless monotonous giddy carousel. Life seems to be more orderly. I get things done. I ask of myself not to be forgetful. I must instill care again. I used to be able to memorize numbers when hearing them once. But I was emotionally hurt and stopped caring. Stopped wanting to allow this big heart open to help people. It was raided and so I no longer can deliver even for myself.

Blog postings have helped me through the years. There were times when I paused. There were times I over vomit all so many times in a day. Days where I chuck myself in a bubble wrap in the corner of the room emotionally that the only way to communicate is flowing it out into the world wide web. Bubble wrap. It’s always fun when playing alone with it. But keeping it to just yourself cuts you away from life. When you share, you might be helping someone else; then you will feel purpose and bring yourself out.

No one can help you, unless you yourself want to.

I am counting blessings today. During a rainy day where pots of mushroom soup and beef stew would be so comforting.

Non-amble Paces

I feel like I’m on treading in empty spaces. Like when I speak, I offend people. When I share something, the subject is imposing. When I call, I’m too boring. When I ask for a cuppa, they don’t know how to deal with me.

I get it. I can get too heavy about something. It isn’t about constant arguing, as some might say. Like, the thing is A and therefore there is no change for A; where as I would debate about it. It’s just the way how my brain is. Being able to debate is like drawing myself out because I debate in my head all the time. I supersize myself and downsize myself 1000 times at the same time a million times a day.

I’ve also taught myself amble and being mindful of what is spoken, what it heard, in the aspects of sensitivity and acceptance, compromise, diplomacy. In what many has evolved for me. So in someways, I feel disappointed, sad.

But I’m justifying it’s okay because…

(1) One friend knows she’s a bitch and couldn’t care less about what you think – that’s why I love her – but, she gets into a silent bitch-fit most of the time. Ignore you when she feels you’re out of line even if the gap has been long. Like, “Are you contacting me for your own self-validation? Please go jump off the cliff for me”. So most of time, I’d have to go kamikaze when touching base with her. 60% of the time lately, I think I’ve annoyed her. So…

(2) A single mom that I’m an open book for, shuts herself from the world because of self-shame. She borrowed some and then cuts me off because she can’t pay back. I hate it when she does this. Of course I understand the struggle being a single mom. Further self-shame and refuses all contact where in the end she will be too ashamed to have any contact at all. Why does she do this to herself?

(3) Ms Brown travels a lot. We only have occasional lunch when she’s free. She won’t be free these few months.

(4) Ms White has left the company. So it’s just tagging on and off on social media.

(5) SIL1 is having a gap. We haven’t met in a few months despite all living close by.

(6) SIL3 is busy with her little sister’s wedding.

(7) SIL4 has injury in the relations since I took back my car. Not that we have any problem with each other directly. It’s just being considerate with each other’s feelings, I suppose.

(8) SIL5 talks to no one.

(9) Ms Luncheon is away for slip disc treatment. So I’ve not been going out for lunch. Not because I can’t. But because I don’t feel it’s worth the effort going by myself.

I sound pathetic. There are others out there to be friends with, but they drain the energy out of me. It’s easier to just cut them off. But then I fall lonely. So I fight with my kids while shushing them while playing Rising Super Chef 2 just because I couldn’t concentrate and wasn’t winning.

Maybe life after 40 is sometimes miserable. I’ve never felt any more stupid than this. This loneliness; one said, doesn’t justify to bother other people just because you’re lonely and expect people to be emotionally ready to have you. This feeling that I am an ass. A jackass. For some reason. Because friendship and relationship is effort. And the colleagues in the office are in the range of 5-15 years younger than I am. My mind is beyond me.

There is an emotion somewhat I’m feeling in my chest while writing this. I can’t put my finger on. Is it sadness? Is it disappointment? Is it loss?

Dear God,

Please bless those people who are in my mind and in my heart. Give them a good day, good wealth and health. Provide them a happy surprise and grant them their good wishes.

I shouldn’t be offended or disappointed that at this time, it is not my time with them; because I know You know best for us.

Please help to heal this dull hurt in my chest.

Please fill them with other things that are meant to be.

Please allow me to shed tears if need be. You know better how hard it is for me to cry. So long it helps to release what it feels.

i-get-lonely

Now all I could think of is going home with some Jamoca Almond Fudge, having it while running through watching Kitchen Cousins and Fixer Upper. I think it sounds perfect. But I’m very sure my evening will end far different that what I wish for it to be.

Shimmery Shim Shim

The weather has been quite hot.  It keeps forcing my brain to fall asleep in the weirdest way and times possible. Like, I could sleep under my table right now if I could. But it’s a transparent table so, no. The sleepiness is not as bad as yesterday. It’s like, Sandman is working overtime with all that sleepy shimmer over me.

shimmer1

These few weeks has also been cray cray. It is also cray cray when important emails get relayed too delayed that it crack heads. Literally cracking all the head of all the heads. Shimmery heads. No one wonder men go bald. Us women just drive them to losing their hair! Lol.

I think I need to go to the gym again. I feel sluggish, alone, a little stressed with over spending on online shopping (ugh – with over allowed credit limit… double ugh) and I need to learn how to depend on myself again. Like, kicking my own ass for being lazy, procrastinator an unmotivated. My foot isn’t getting anywhere near my ass. I would need pixie dust for that.

Talking about gym, my plantar fasciitis is probably healing. I don’t take as much time or neither it caused as much pain whenever I need to get up from sitting. But I do want it to heal properly. Maybe to give it another 2 weeks because I still feel the heat on the heel, with less pain in the center. So this is good progress.

Well, it has been a challenging 3 weeks in the office. And I sure do need longer weekends. So right now I need to clear my table and get home.