Apple mints and rainbow unicorn farts.

At the pit of my stomach, I feel that people are ignoring me in the office. Not the major ones, they are the ones who are the support and pillars of their bosses.

Here’s the confession:

1. My staff’s claim went missing. It was a hectic month for claims. I had to ask 2 people to help send some of them up periodically. I couldn’t find them at my end and went crazy… While 1 assistant went calling sheepishly ‘upstairs’ behind and I could hear, “Found them already? Okay, great!” – Turns out it was in IN Tray instead of CLAIMS Tray. I look stupid, I feel.

2. I had just applied to be on a course that my supervisor approved. It would be great to attend because Sunshine, Eden and Sue has been put in the loop. In the end Sunshine’s new supervisor doesn’t allow her. Sue can’t attend because she has attended something else earlier. And as at yesterday, my Director tells me to hold all external paid training off for this year. So that’s left with Eden alone in class. So it’s like, who am I trying to apply a course outside when everyone else’s assistant tries to attend internal ones?

3. I don’t know I’m just paranoid. Ultimately it is I who want to be left alone.

I want to be ignored for now because… I miss him. I really do. I just can’t do this life anymore.

I thought of calling him this morning. Found a photo of him and Talullah when she was a pudgy 2 year-old. But I put if off until I get to the office. Then I put on my hands-free, still putting off calling. I thought about what to say. I feel so disabled and fail myself at this communication. Looked back at what I shared. At the back of my mind it was just going through a quick overthinking. Until my eyes caught the photo again. I saw his fingers, hand, and arm around our little girl.

There was a time when I used to stare at him, just swallow in what I saw and tried to memorize. My eyes leaked instantaneously. The scent of the skin. The texture, the veins. The face on the neck. The presence. The presence. The presence.

We’ve been like this for almost forever. Near, but apart. I don’t know what to think of. So I wrote him:

“I miss you. But I think I will cry if I talk to you now. The feeling is on right now haha.”

There’s no actual ‘HAHA’ there, right? So I HAHA-ed myself wiping tears with my sleeves, then walking fast to the toilet before locking myself in a cubicle.

Doesn’t it feel lonely in a world of foggy apple mints and rainbow farts from unicorn, that you want someone to come save you? You know someone will, and you know you will save yourself too, but you’re just standing in the middle the town on a hill swinging skirt of your dress with blue pigtails and fuchsia ends and purple ribbons.

That’s just how I exactly feel. Whipping air in psychedelic colour that smells of cotton candy as you wait there under the big tree on the hill with baskets of peach pie, strawberry filled and glazed donuts, cinnamon sticks and lasagna. Big Thermos of black coffee. With Jodi Picoult in hand. On the checked picnic rug.

I feel someone’s hand reaching on in me as I write this. Yes, we can sit here together. Share what I’ve brought and have the coffee too. We sit here and wait. We’re okay by ourselves anyway.

Love.

The Daily Post: Mushroom, Atmospheric, Particular, Sludge

Edited: Spelling mistakes are hmmm… and possible misconstrued innocence gone wrong. So we edit.

Advertisements

And this is me today. 

I wish that our HR will stop asking for stupid things in this vast space of hundreds of people. Waste of time and effort with multiple papers flying around when all people want to do is to be paperless.

Annoyance aside…

The first thing I do when I see her, is hug her. Miss Brown has got this spot in me where she sees the same lines of black, white and gray as I. Her questions are never silly and I appreciate to be able to watch her bloom. Isn’t it always? The seed is in the ground and watch it grow, you straighten it every now and then and wait for it to bloom and flourish.

Each individual have their place in my garden. They bloom and flourish in the their own way. Sometimes they need a break, mind space, heart space, room to talk and someone to just be present to listen to their rants.

Miss Brown listens. And she listened to my story, to the one I broke down on. How I told my mother that I would ready to leave if need be just because living without him when he is near is no different that how it was when we divorced 5 years ago. Just keep sending the kids’ expenses like how it was and you don’t have to commit your life with me. It gets easier when life is kept simple.

The thought of other friends came through. Or people who only sought for me when they need to only.

I don’t let the thought of it bother me. They needed help and I was sincere to help them. Whatever they decide thereon after, to leave most usually, then go. I have done my part and I let go so I don’t get hurt. I let go so I don’t become emotional. I let go so I can forgive and move on with my life.

You know, there are a million things I could do for myself. But it all depends whether I want to do/allow them or not. Like being wounded for other people’s bad decision making i.e. make me feel used, invisible, etc. So I let it pass because I think God put me at the right time and situation for them. It is their decision and responsibility to build/re-build/maintain what can be built.

So I want to put my yesterday’s miseries somewhere. I just wanna walk away because I’m just f*cking tired to even be within an inch of it. Too many other things that I have to clear and I have no freaking time to let anything else pull me down.

the2bsubconscious2bmind

And this is me today. To being alert and honking at self for self-check.

The Daily Post: Honk

This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

3cc8d7805a4af2d1107e5f9f9bf7c334

Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

565598

I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

Overcoming shortcomings

Sometimes in your own weariness, you forget your own purpose; your own push factor to thrive.

I just visited the ailing cancer friend; with a friend whom I used to friend and discarded. Long story. To make the long story short, I decided to end the friendship with Nyla some while back for some other long story that cannot be cut short. But to make it short, despite of her being a good person, I was giving more than she was able to do for me in our friendship.

When I was going through the divorce, I was already out of touch with her for about 3 years before. I lived well off negative vibes taken off off me. Randomly I would call her when she pops into my head while I was praying. Then every other time she pops, I would steer her off my mind and this became easy over time. Don’t handle things that you don’t want to be bothered by.

But with her, I keep reigning my heart whenever we communicate. Like overthink what to say, what to feel, how to react. Then I went, “Oh just F it!” and it got easier when I let go. Just let it be. I am a strong person, even though sometimes I flail about it, I really am.

She wished me happy birthday this morning. We began messaging back and forth about the ailing friend. Then it was an arrangement of let’s go and visit him. She picked me up from the office and we went to the hospital together. Good thing I went with an open heart and no barrier was there as our conversations flowed like mature adults.

Shortly after we went left to lunch and began talking. And we talked and we talked and we talked. I never told her about my divorce. Never came out from my mouth despite it has been 4 years since everything happened. But the guide came to me. And after 2.5 hours with her, I got to the base of herself (in her current situation). The base of what she was seeking. The base of what matters that she is struggling within her.

It is beautiful to have people emote when they are with you. I applaud silently inside to have her cry with another person, without barrier; to open the dams inside, if not all. I applaud that you are strong enough inside to let yourself feel all your hurt, anger and fears. I am so proud of you Nyla. So so proud.

Sometimes when you feel God is there but you are just still stuck in your situation that you maul yourself into a bottomless pit and grow comfort in the darkness. Rest be assured that He is with you. He waits for you to learn to emerge. He waits for you to learn your inner strengths to move, for you. He wants the best for you. Teach a man to fish to have him survive. And he has grant you the assistance that you asked for Him to give.

“This is your good fortune that God has given that it was so easy for us to meet. God is listening. He is helping you. And we understand the root of it. Of your hurt and how you feel. Now we can work this forward together. Together we will pull you out of the hole that is now your comfort of a home.”

It is never easy confronting something. Making the move to be bold as you have been the opposite for so long. To create such ownership of self that you can make anything happen for yourself. Moving forward comes with fear. Being fearless is scary. So trusting in yourself requires you to let go. It is scary, but I am with you.

Oh dear Nyla,

Don’t blame yourself for all that has gone wrong, not that you blame them directly; more as a contributory factor to your life. Don’t blame yourself for not being a better person. Don’t blame yourself for not making things right. There only so much a person can handle. It is only learning to handle what to do with and what to let go, which needs to be learnt one step at a time.

In any case of learning to grasp as if the whole world swallowed you in, you help people so they can in return help you to be a better person. I may not be rational enough for you but all in all, sincerity is the utmost important integrity anyone should have. I am not peculiar, I am just an INFJ (haha).

Perhaps all this will make a better person in time to come. After all, all I have ever asked from Him was to have all the people whom have done me wrong to learn not do the things they have done to me, onto others. Maybe this is her time. God has given her the situation to learn and to thrive.

Dear God,

Please bless her with a clear heart and mind. And please bless the others that are in my mind. Give them something to smile about that they have found an answer somehow.

Today is my birthday, my second blog of the day, and this the first push factor for me to overcome my own weaknesses to be a better person at 41.

Sending all my love to all those who need this.

Living without confronting your fears is not living your life at all.

XOXOXOXO

The Daily Post: Overcome | Peculiar | Sympathy | Disobey

4.1 Decades To-date

For the segmental journey in my life.  I have made so many blogs to fit in the purpose of what I was going through, to pull myself out of each muddle or every concept of what I had to sort myself with; with what was given.

This blog wraps my life right now as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and employee. Everything is at a balance where the only constant hurdle is procrastination and inner laziness to do something greater for myself. The push factor to evolve and find something exciting for myself.

I hate people. But I love being around them. I love sentiments, and mint, and cinnamon, and waffles with double scoop vanilla ice cream with raspberry or strawberry jam on top. I want excitement but there is a gap between where I am and doing it, I get lost in the how-to. Maybe all that I want to do is travel, enjoy outdoors and not stay put in one place only.

Life is different. With so many people passing, and yet another ex-schoolmate bedridden for cancer; I feel zoned out in emotion of how long more (time) do I have, what is it that I want to explore, what more do I want from life, what do I do with the kids now, how long more will I be working, what do I do afterwards… Of course they are questions that I do not have the answer for. I have no control over whatsoever that is meant to happen, but I can plan and do something about what I believe I should have. I would know then that I tried. Just in need of the little push within me.

So I turn 41 today. I feel old but not old. DH keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. There isn’t a clear picture of what I want that I have given him. But I will tell you what I really want here. Because I know my list will bump his heart, as well as mine, just because…

  1. Be on an island for 7 days all the 5 of us only. Or be on some place cold for the same duration. For all I care, have 7 solid days with all 5 of us doing something together, taking his time off work and not be bothered by phone calls and emails and messages; and the rest of us throwing away all FB, IG etc.
  2. Sell off both cars and get a new one with warranty period of service.
  3. Go on a 2 weeks trip abroad with him only. With the same condition of no interruption. Just us. For us to learn to speak without barrier. Let me learn to let go and scream of excitement while climbing over the gates and borders I tend to put myself into.
  4. Having our own space.
  5. I want to host a party that will put me in the kitchen for 2 days getting everything ready for everyone and having the house spick and span. With decorations of hydrangeas, glitters, gold and cats. Toblerone cake, chocolate hazelnut cake, mint chocolate chip cake, butterscotch caramel cake. Lasagna, beef stew, garlic bread… so many garlic bread… Tiramisu. Mist fan. Bubbles. Lots of bubbles. Vanilla scent all over. And Anna. Have Anna over with her cats and make them fat!
  6. Be smoking cigarettes after sex in the balcony of French village, naked.
  7. Go peeking at the red light district of Geisha life and the ones in Amsterdam.
  8. Trying weed.
  9. To kiss like when we younger. Passion on hormones.
e5048418e4f3257ed81c02dc042459c8
Be seen but hidden in all sultry intimacy

And so the list can go on, but I will just keep it at 9. It is September after all.

With this, I shall reward myself with something that I shall think of later. As for right now, I pray that you will be blessed with good news, good fortune, good health, good food, brand new strength for yourself – whatever it may be and love. Lots of love from people who are meaningful to you. Love from people who feels that you are meaningful to them. And for me, it would be nice if you could do something to pay it forward today. Pay it forward of us. In all sincerity, that is love and something nice.

I only wish to uplift my heart a little. So a little push must be done to get it somewhere. Hope to get it somewhere today.

Thank you for reading!

XOXOXO

The Daily Post:
Finite | Crescendo | Overcome |

Living in a House of Bricks

We had a long holiday week that kinda sucked towards the end. Not because where it was going. It was more of what it was making me feel.

The whole house emptied with the rest of everyone, except us, away for a holiday. We were able to keep the house clean. Vacuumed what we could and sucked stacks of cat fur all around. What I wasn’t able to manage was, my own room… It remains cluttered and overwhelming.

For the past 4 days, I keep finding new things that one of the cats (or more) would have peed on. It is so disheartening. First it was my bathroom mat. Then one of the other towels that they (the kids) chucked on the floor. Then another of one of the other towels. And yet another.

This cycle didn’t stop there. It kept going with a slush in the middle of the floor in my room. And Melon climbed onto my bed and half way did it. Aih. So I had to remove the blanket. A few hours later, I laid on the bed and musk pee on half of the pillow. Internally feeling deranged but what can you do?

On Sunday, I asked the kids to run out the schoolbags for a washing. Adam’s bag had pee on it. He changed bags. I also smelled pee in the corridor of our room where our daily duffel bag is. It was also peed on.

The last straw was getting out of the house yesterday and smelling of pee on myself. Like, WTH? It appears that the cat peed on my leather sling bag and the bag was sitting on me in the car. WTH WTH WTH! All this broke me. I had no mood to clean. I lost all (of like the quarter) effort I had in me to reorganise things.

Later in the night DH called to say he was on the way home. So I decided to make coffee and wait for him outside the house as usual. There was pungent pee smell so bad. It took me a while to find the source. 2 carpets were hanging on the balcony of the patio. They were soaked with pee. Both carpets. I didn’t know who they belonged to, thinking it was my parents. They were Elder Sister’s. She brought them to the house for cleaning.

Why? So many whys. So, so many.

This morning when waking them up for school, Adam’s other bag too had pee on it. Like, WTH. And after settling the house, the kids, about to leave the room for work, the corridor area smelled of pee.

In the wake of the harrowing cat bladder problem, Elliot hasn’t been well. Both he and Talullah had been running around the house late night. They keep bargaining about shower. So he ran a fever, had to depend on the nebuliser, Citrezin for flu as well as Bromhexin to drain all the phlegm. It is 3 days including today.

Can I top it off with me menstruating on Sunday? Yes. So I had been overweight, dripping in sweat with the weather and weight, breathless lounging myself, the need to eat and just zoned out. At night I keep awake, thinking about how to make the room bigger, where of course, it couldn’t. And of course, because I just can no longer function to sort out my room, DH sighs at the sight of it saying that no one knows how to keep things clean and tidy (as he – which is true as he cleans well). But he hasn’t the time, again on 24-hr shifts for days.

Also Younger Sister kept texting from abroad asking about her sick cat. Hey, you’re sick enough to leave your sick cat to travel for a week without leaving anything here to manage him with so don’t go asking about his wound or whether he ate or not. The cat is depressed from another cat’s rejection to mate. The female cat has yet to return home. Seriously, your F cat’s depression is not my F problem.

I wish The Cousins or the Gaines from Fixer Upper could come and fix the whole house. I can’t deal with the no space, no maintenance, the bad wiring and their not wanting to improve the place at all, especially my dad. He seems to think that money for food doesn’t exist. They just appear on the plate.

Aih. So many issues. You just can’t expect things to just settle for you, you know. This cycle will not end if you don’t learn to sort out your own issues and try to be compassionate with other people’s lives. Not just to sort things out because they are convenient to you.

So many many many sighs.

From me,

Living in a House of Bricks (with so many cats and people who doesn’t want to deal with their own sh*t)

The Daily Post: Critical | Continue | Priceless | Educate | Homage

Update: Everyone just video called me from abroad. Asking about Younger Sister’s cat. #meh

No Idea

For some reason, I had been coaxed by my baby sister to do dropship.

Drop shipping is a supply chain management method in which the retailer does not keep goods in stock but instead transfers customer orders and shipment details to either the manufacturer, another retailer, or a wholesaler, who then ships the goods directly to the customer.

So whimsically I saw a product with a celebrity’s name on it and just paid some dollars for the dropshipping rights. But what we all don’t know is the struggle handling the overall social media for me.  More on the visceral gripping of groping for attention.

I have a site of jewelry of my own, and cookies/cakes page of my mom’s but I can never grasp the handling of the social media. It’s all taxing with taking photos and loading and loading and posting and no response from the public except one or two likes. Seriously, I was lucky that the Mothership (the main stockist) carries an additional 7-9 brand names that I am able to market them all for them. However, I find that all the other products are more to my liking than of the celebrity’s.

Marketing, is going to the market for me. So marketing it on social media, is tiring. Because it’s daunting. For me. I’m a Lurch. Or a Wednesday. Not the extroverted Gomez Addams. We just sit back and observe. Completely hands off doing the work to gain any attention.

So how am I supposed to get the people in to ooze the juice?

No idea.