This soft spot.

I have begun to filling my days with things doing without feelings. No idea what THAT sounds like but it is EXACTLY how how I feel.

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Transparently I have not gone to my In-Laws (IL) for a long time. I decide that I won’t go without DH just because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be putting myself there to be potentially victimized with internal
Cacophony at every angle that suddenly I or we are required to contribute money or time for things or stuffs not ours. Clearly because we have been struggling financially, and we have been struggling for time together as a unit.

How life it is for us since May/June, is that I am the manager of the kids/family from Monday to Monday. He comes home to sleep or he doesn’t come home or he travels. There are no holidays – public/state holiday/weekends (yes, even weekends), no where to go during school holiday either because DH has no time for it, even when the kids fall sick from Influenza A.

So 3 weeks ago, my SILs were coaxing me to IL’s. They were like, “If you go, you’ll get extra points from them, moreover most of us would be there; so it’ll be comfortable and safe”. I did go, just spending 1 hour there. We lounged a while and picked our butts off to go. “Leaving already?” “Yes” That was it. We excused ourselves and left without giving a reason.

I told the kids we should leave before dinner time because:

  1. We don’t need to inconvenient anyone there.
  2. IL don’t cook sometimes. It’s just rude to expect food for us.
  3. If other family members are there, that means, we would have to take-away more than we can afford from the restaurant to feed everyone.

Great thing the kids understood where I was going and cooperated with me well to leave without a fuss, especially when their other cousins were around. I just didn’t want to inconvenient anyone. Plus, do only what we can afford. But yes, I suppose there were points up for us going there. It was obvious DH wasn’t there but they kept asking where he was. In all explanation to Enlighten MIL on his nature of work, what are Expect of him, and how the work load is for him, “That’s worse than a construction worker’s job,” MIL said. OK. So long we can leave. Release.

So on recent Saturday, I made French Beef Stew for dinner. It took me 6 hours to ready including with garlic bread. I fell asleep 2 hours in between haha. Most of the time I bring my food choice, IL will not acknowledge it. So they didn’t. But MIL on blamed on SIL1’s roast chicken that her food serving didn’t finish. And of course she would say it when the person ISN’T there. At least it wasn’t my cooking that caused trouble this time around. It felt kinda nice.

The whole reason I’ve been writing this post about is actually to get to here; this part when SIL1, SIL2 (that’s me) and SIL3 was lounging washing dishes in the kitchen.

SIL3 was asking about DH, where he was etc – he’s out of town and I have no idea what he’s doing at the time. I said, I don’t call him. SIL3 was disappointed when I told her, “I want to take care of my own feelings, so I don’t”. She expressed, “Why don’t you just call him? It’s not something hard to do…” as her voice trailed off with her feelings. She kept asking why and pleading (that I show care by doing so) for me to call him.

What I don’t/can’t (actually) have to explain is that I HATE rejection.

My definition of rejection:

1. When I call and I find out I’m interrupting something. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

2. When he tells me he’s in a meeting and he will call me right back. He either does or forgets.

3. He tells me he’s frazzling and drops the call. Sometimes shortly after he would send me a text or transcript to improve/look through the grammar.

4. He’s about to catch a few winks. It makes me feel like an inconvenience.

5. When I ask if he’s coming home, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

6. When I ask if he’s around during a period of time, I get disappointed and he feels that he has been put on in a spot.

7. When I plan for some sensual time, he’s too tired to connect the dots and he feels that he has been put on in a spot, tries to come home and he’s still too tired because he’s already tired. Can’t brain but really, just don’t come home if you’re too tired to drive. It’s dangerous. I’m simple.

The reasons may be silly. But they’re mine.

They may know my conditions, but they don’t live my life. They don’t know I miss him all the time. I get hurt easily by simple things he doesn’t even realize matter to me. So let them be. I need to take care of me. The last episode of TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) I had was because I missed him too much. So let me take care of my heart. This loyalty and being Brave in my own kind of way.

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I don’t expect that people understand the complexity of my mind, or the depth of my heart to give and accept, including the space that I need for myself. So I don’t expect they know or understand what I’m talking about when I open my mouth about something. I also in return, don’t expect to be manipulated into something I don’t want to commit myself to because that’s just not fair.

I feel like I’m making so-so sense. I don’t know. This is all that’s coming out of me today. And I’m hungry.

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Numb

I feel so alone.

It feels empty. Can’t cry it. Don’t feel like distracting myself with conversations, people, TV. Games feel useless right now.

Yes, as I am a lonely person, it is hard to feel alone.

I am abandoning myself.

Hurt beyond sad. I don’t know how to repair it anymore. I can’t fall blind or deaf anymore. I can’t wait for time. I don’t know how I will learn to enjoy myself when time comes. My heart is numb.

I am abandoning you.

Break

Haven’t been around to allow myself to feel something. I was okay for a while, then it slides somewhere else across the world. I told myself I am in control of how miserable I can be. So there were times that people come looking for me to help guide them, which placed me somewhere I feel satisfied with the help I give, with my own accord. And sometimes, there is nothing.

I don’t want to be around people who expect me to be the 3rd person getting the message across to their partner. If I have that troubleshooting with mine, I think you will have to learn to sort that one out. And I hate it when you keep poking me while speaking. Just stop.

I don’t appreciate being or responding to people who expects me to respect how they view themselves in the relationship with me, that I have to put myself in a spot just because it was just something that I had done for me. I don’t have to explain myself to you. I don’t have to care for your feelings when you don’t with mine. If you’re my friend and know me that well, you wouldn’t do that to me in the first place.

I don’t want to be the one who has to take care of how I feel just because all others don’t seem to know how.

I am sad. I am angry. I feel taken for granted. I should be able to do what I feel I can. Most of all over the feelings, I am sad.

My connection with my SILs has been dry. I know not many are blessed with this relationship we have of love and support. We don’t mind each other disciplining our children just because the common interest is growing up to be good.

To top this all, I just scolded told  a Manager in a nice tone that he:

  1. Shouldn’t be looping in everyone each time he sends out an email because people already know you are carrying out your job. We don’t need to know THAT. You only need to get your job done and report with a result when there is a need for it.
  2. Quit sending things out on behalf of other departments by telling me and another coordinator to extend it to the rightful person while the originator is in the cc. It’s F annoying. Just send the email back to the originator and ask them to email the document again to the correct supervisor’s attention. You will be helping them to know the right people so that they are more aware next time.
  3. You shouldn’t be spending time shouldering all these other things when it’s not yours to worry about. You can’t even get to carry out your own duties because you are being so keen to telling people you’re doing your job by emailing every F email to me or our boss.

Right now I hear him whispering to another Manager who sits next to me over something. Let him be. He’s got to know at some point. I’m not about to listen to myself grousing over it and not doing anything about it.

Well anyway, last Saturday, I forced myself out to lunch and coffee with all the SILs. To tell you truth, I couldn’t feel all the conversations. I tried to go into it and let them speak. Even when I spoke, I felt invisible to myself.

I tried speaking it over with DH last night. I told him outright that I understand and have been considerate about his work commitments, but this is how I feel and this is what I need and this is what I’m asking from you. He responded. But it felt like I was hitting the wall with a tennis ball and when the ball came to me, I had disappeared.

Truthfully, my body feels like it’s readying itself for menses. All I want to eat are spicy things and fruits. I feel like hitting something but I know I won’t because I don’t have the will to.

Where was I 5 years ago? Where were we then? Where am I and us now? I want things that I can’t have. I have what I need, can’t fully brain them. I have long taken a break from doing things that I must. I know I am still on that break.

Because I am broken.

DH, just don’t talk to me right now. I just can’t.

Sit

I spent today feeling at loss with this bulge floating in me with whirls of sorrow. Why do I get to this every now and then? Who is it that’s feeling sorrowful? Is it me, or someone else?

No friends. No one to talk to. No one to just rant it out to. Doors are closed to people that I can talk to without explanation. The ones who can just identify this bulge of what I am feeling with on concise word. Those doors are closed. Because my worldly issues and rants are ao much of a woman’s.

This lonliness is grilling me. Understanding DH’s situation is also getting the best of me. Overworked and understaffed. We have missed out on major holidays and weekends with me figuring out what do with mself and the kids. He needs rest. I need space and motivation. The only people I talk to are to the kids while I keep silent catching up with recorded shows and waiting for new levels open for Rising Super Chef 1 & 2.

Am I sad? Yes.

Am I demotivated? Yes.

Am I lonely? Yes.

Am I out of spark? Yes.

Am I at the verge of a cry? Close.

If only tears come easy for me. It doesn’t. That how watching shows help.

I don’t want to fall sick. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to fail but I’m not doing anything about it either.

I just need to be some place else. If only…

Vacuum

It has been some time since I last came here. My mind has been backward, as it had always been. Vacuum-state like. There is movement but invisible. The physical as well as the internal goes hand-in-hand. It only moves when someone wills it.

In such desperation that I wallow invisibly for the absence of the husband. I sit myself in the corner of the room to deal with a tween-ager, and his budding siblings. Sitting there silently rationing into all piggy banks we all have counting coins of what could make us happy i.e. slushy.

There isn’t much that we could do. We have been this way since 6 months ago and due to prolong for the next months until February. In a way, it feels suffocating with no room to breathe and the broken will to keep trying every next day.

No holiday. No break time. No time for DH and I. What more to spare for other people? It’s just that simple. What more when people expect themselves to join any trip that we take? That’s just unfair. That, is just really unfair.

Melancholy. In the vacuum. With tons to sort out and clear of this workstation. So seriously that I all could think about is immersing feet into beach waters and sand, and flopping the rest of the body into it.

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Google and found this photo linked to pandotrip.com 

You know, it’s okay to cry for feeling this all.

Just only probably, not right now.

Ugly cry

Breakdown. Ugly cry. What is this? To have had ranted in 3 previous blogs and now this.

When I came home this evening, DH was home. I had no mood whatsoever. He coaxed me to go out just the two of us.

This woman just sat there on the sofa emotionless. He kept coaxing and then suddenly she began ranting at high pitch. He raised his voice. She began crying as she looks for her jeans going in and out of the bathroom.

He left her. He could have never been able to deal each time it happens. And so she cried. All ugly cry came out. With the biggest throat wrenching sound of hurt, anger and disappointment she has witheld within for so long. This went for a few minutes. She took her time as crying isn’t a skill that she has.

So okay. I wiped my tears and went down. He drove aimlessly and I told him of my anger disappointment. About Nyla, Amy and the hospital. He listened and we talked about it.

During dinner he mentioned about going out tonight with his friend to which my face just went crooked. I told him I fully understand what his job requires of him and his need to unwind. I’m trying my best to keep myself together but it all conjoured my anger even more from the day before. He cancelled.

On the way home I talked about Miss B*tch of how I need to keep myself on my toes when talking to her. I was hurt. I was really hurt by the whole set of people I am surrounded by.

He listened. Further I had no one to talk to. I had no one to see. I am by myself constantly.

We got home and I felt so much load off my chest. Only now, I have no idea what sex feels like and nervous for tonight.

Aih.