The Urge

I feel the urge to write. But with the absence of beginning.

At the back of my mind, I think of the need to clear my blogs. I have so many under different pseudonyms. I can never expose myself somehow, I feel. There’s no answer to that.

I’ve left my Facebook as it is. Not seeing or responding to any post. Instagram, only when I feel like posting something; the. I’d logout. But I’ve been constant on Twitter. Following an actor who seems to reciprocate.

Infatuation. Although I know the reality hurts. I would probably never meet him. Even at the back of my mind hidden somewhere obvious to me, to be his life partner. How silly. But it has kept me awake.

Silently still have this pocket of sadness. But with his reciprocation, it has filled me in. My EQ is taken care of by a stranger. A stranger who will never date a fan. A stranger who lives countries away from where he is.

I’m convinced (hahaha) that he gets me. He will spark excitement and I will be able to be free to free fall. To just embrace everything despite the worries and fear (control) within me.

My wounds would heal. I will live in pleasing him as he provides the longing I’ve been needing. And age will not be an issue because love will speak for itself.

Such wonderment of the mind that keeps me afloat. Silly dream that I hope will come true. Still silly though.

And in one forum, someone highlighted that ‘living’ in a world parallel to reality is a mental illness. I don’t care. Hahaha. It has been giving my heart its own freedom to open up. I even am asking for hugs from my spouse. (I don’t even know how I can’t speak up for what I need 💁🏻‍♀️)

Some day. Somewhere further. Because I feel the need to support him as who he is. This dragon is enthralled by the confidence (power) that he owns. After all, he is another dragon.

Staying Alive

I’m feeling lonely again.

There’s an obsession that I can’t seem to let go off. I’ve outrun spaces to search for it and it’s driving me nuts.

Yesterday while going through the forgiving event at every Eid, I cried while holding my husband’s hands. Asking for his sincerity and willingness for all the food and drinks I’ve received from him; didn’t transpire. Asking his forgiveness for all I’ve done wrong onto him didn’t happen either.

Tears just ran.

“I’ve been so emotional. Forgive me. Because sometimes I want to held without asking. Even when I’m angry or upset, or not; just hold me. Don’t wait until I ask for it.”

It ran from the river to the sea. He pulled me in and hugged me.

“I know I haven’t had time for you. Please forgive me.”

It was healing that I said what I said. How he responded, didn’t really matter. Because after this talk my Sister1, that reluctantly had, she highlighted that he was probably afraid to offend me.

Yes, I’m more dominant than he is. I’m a dragon while he is a rabbit. All my kids look like me. But I want to be cuddled. And I close up because I don’t want to be disappointed. Disappointment is hurtful.

Being closed up is harder for him to approach. Not having time for me is even harder to begin again the process each time. I’ve never considered it.

However, Korean Dramas has helped to soften me. And therefore now I’m obsessed with it and find myself saying, “Bian-e, Seo Joon,” every time I hurt myself.

I’m saying sorry to Park Seo Joon because I made a promise to him to love and cherish myself more. And each time I react or feel hurtful, I tell him this. I’ve disappointed him and myself. This was a promise in a scene I played in my head each time I meet him before putting myself to sleep.

Pitiful. I know. Before, it was Travis Fimmel telling me, “It’s okay hun, you’ve done your best (for today)”.

These people seem to console me. Because it comforts me. Where in the end, I have to take care of myself. I have to depend on me.

And the best of all, they don’t even know I’m alive.

Safely

I want to be hugged

Skin to be touched

Hand to be held

Legs to be entwined

Have your fingers lacing my hair

My face tucked safely on your chest

I want to be wanted

I want your attentiveness

I want to be loved

I am strong, but I get broken and tired too

This emotional aptness

To receive without asking so much of you

Without having to ask from you

For this care, respect and appreciation

Just sincerely,

to be safe with you

Unready

People seem to crave for time

For my time

That I have none

Flustered brain in foggy space

Escaping in romanticism, beyond my own mind

Not ready to go be dwelling in action pace

But they don’t understand

The need for me to wallow for the energy that I don’t have to spare

For their own excitement, noisiness and thirst for attention

I offer little to appease the people

But they don’t know where to draw the line

For my heart it is unready to be open for their commotion and online parties of self-amusement

Attentive

I am secretly in love with Korean actor Hyun Bin.

Never been into Korean things apart of their food. But going into Crash Landing on You has made a difference.

Maybe I’m just hoping for someone to be sensitive and thoughtful enough to love me like his character, Captain Ri. Someone who is concerned enough to run and help me when I’m in doubt or in trouble.

I see myself vying for strong men. Like Ragnar Lothbrok. So that my large hands seem timid in his. I can be shielded around him. Someone sensitive enough to know when I need assurance.

In knowledge that I am independent. I do things my way. I can be so stubborn to just do what I feel is the right thing to do. But I sacrifice myself. My emotions. That I have to heal myself. Fearing the doubts that I have is burdensome and petty for anyone else to know or understand.

I want things but I am aware I’m not working for it. At this point of time, life is closed for me.

Not reading through messages. Not picking up calls. Resenting intrusion of my head and emotional space. I watched once again Hyun Bin in Crash Landing on You.

Ashamed to state my love for Captain Ri. For every search of Hyun Bin, I smile when I see fans uploading videos of him going places. He is an introvert who is well mannered.

I will probably never meet either Travis Fimmel or Hyun Bin up close. I will never be reciprocated of my admiration of them. I will never speak to them.

Deep down inside, each night, in my mind, I am wrapped in their arms reassuring me that it’s safe enough to fall asleep. Sweeping hair off my face. My forehead on tucked somewhere under their chin.

That affection would make me feel accepted. Embraced for being beautiful at heart. Caress that provides me with the security and would mend me of my worries.

Some things you don’t get. But you have something else that others don’t.

So I should be thankful for what I have. Even if it really isn’t as how as I’d want it to be.

Perhaps

I am slowly going under again. Lost under radar and swept slowly into a thin layer.

This morning I was texting a colleague who has been away for maternity. Slowly I began sharing with her about how I was crying nonstop for 3 months through carrying my third child. And how it generally went for me in 2019, where more of it was being in depression without me realising.

We said our goodbyes and I went out for supplies at the local supermarket. Got myself lunch, and the drink my colleague asked me to get for myself and went home.

My baby sister was home, off from her hospital work. We started chatting and I opened up on the conversation I had earlier with colleague – about how I slowly realised I had gone into the worst one (depression) I’ve ever had in 2019. Baby sister was made aware of this depression when we met on my birthday in September that year. At that point, it was somber, still. About 2-3 weeks out after that, was when I realised I was deep in.

Then we talked about my dimension of marriage that has put me into a lot of inner struggles that I can’t see myself in. But I’m hanging on now. I feel stable.

However, after watching the 16 episodes of Korean drama, Crash Landing on You, it has put me into this after taste of… it’s so lovely how you love someone, and so fond of and that person respects and loves you. To protect you. And knowing what reality is, and what my reality is… it just puts you in this highs and lows. Drifting feeling.

And we talked about how our dad puts people with depression at another level because he doesn’t understand. She told me of the conversation she had with him earlier in the day. He was dismissing her colleagues who are battling it and telling her to get rid of the crazy staffs if they are not functional anymore.

It’s so thought provoking as he often offends me apart of him being a narcissistic person. Well, it is quite common that some people categorise it as being a part of crazy. Especially in Asia. So I told her, “Well, you have all that crazy in your part of the family, dad!” It was a good laugh. And if you call it crazy, yes, it exists in his part of the family quite strongly. You can begin from his own eldest brother down to my bipolar cousins.

She asked me to consider going to a psychiatrist in the local hospital. I told her I feel stable now. How I have to manage myself to open up more with my husband. This is because I feel like I share more with other people than I do with him. So this is something I have to train myself to do – to open up more even though it’s petty and trivial. It has been hard.

Once I told him. “We’re so used to being apart (not knowing how we can cope being together all day all the time), and when we are no longer working, I wouldn’t know what we would do with each other. We might just find ways of how to kill each other!”

I recalled the above conversation I had with my husband with my baby sister. I added, “Things to do tomorrow: Try to kill my husband by electrocution hahaha”.

It was good a good conversation, we laughed and related. But as far as I had told her I’m stable, I find myself slowly slipping.

Social media has suddenly been too overcrowded for me. Relentless messaging in group with “Oh” “Really?” “👌🏻” “👍🏻” “K” that becomes 137 unread messages in one group for 25-30 active groups are eating me alive.

I mean, I have been trying to cheer myself up by ‘blogging’ of my activities as humorously possible on Facebook status that has received support from people. But I feel now that people don’t read them and it didn’t matter anymore. I dismissed myself. And loathing human nature and narcissistic behaviours.

So what am I to do?

I get to get out of the house. Be in silence at work. Be in silence in my room. Be with myself when I need to. Be out to the supermarket. I’ve kept myself busy by buying things for people from the supermarket since I’m already there anyways. I try to fill me in.

My daily medication is a lot already, I told her. I just… to take on more medication is just mind boggling for me.

“It will take time to adjust and get the right combo. But it will probably help you get off some of the medication you’re on already of the trigger is your mind.”

Perhaps. She may be right. But I am strong. But I feel zero at the same time right now. I’m not winning at any of the games I’ve been playing on my phone either.

Perhaps.

Heart

After 3 months of being stable, I feel like I’m being pulled back slowly into sadness.

I have to admit that I had been a bitch when it comes to friendships. More of an ass. And these senseless conversations that I have to weigh in multiple chats with office, school and friends that go on, I’m losing it.

Watched a 16-episode romantic drama that induced me in AFTER I completed the episodes. How even in lockdown, I rarely have time with my roommate. We don’t get to cultivate romanticism and now I’m longing for it.

And now I’m hurt with the relationships I had…

You know, I just can’t keep up. I can’t keep up with messaging. It’s taxing to manage WFH for other people because you live closest to the office.

And I can’t keep up the energy I get around my family as well. My dad’s anxiety is way off. My mom keeps trying to appease him and making everyone else involved. I just want to be out of the house ALL the time with my kids but of course that can’t be done AT ALL.

Now I’m sad. I have no will to communicate with other people. How previous friends are talking to each other wall to wall on FB. Making me feel if it’s done out of spite…

A, blocked me on messaging a year ago. She ignored slowly within the year before that on anything of me and the pool of people coming from me – including B. And I had recently told B, off over something. Now B tags A, on a post, where A responds.

My pride is hurting.

Is it about the need to appease people, to have people like me, that it has become to this?

Why does growing up require so much feel levels to get by?

Why am I feeling so offended by this? A rejected me, then I rejected B. I feel like karma is laughing at me in my face. But what difference does it make? A is still blocking me on messaging.

I just need time to just lay everything off my head. My heart is not still for now so any action will be an irrational one.

Lay still my heart. In time, you’ll find the way out. For now, you’re allowed to cry your confusion because this is all just too much for you to handle.

#learntoloveyourselffirst

Taking care during COVID-19

How has the world began closing in so fast?

It is all beyond all our control for now. We can only stay indoors and be vigilant of keeping ourselves alive.

I am in Malaysia where the lockdown has begun since March 18th and has also been extended to mid-April. Personally, I think it will be extended into May as many are still ill and some population seems to think their being indoors is to be at the socialising in groups of people.

The wet market in my area has closed to 50 people maximum per entry. There are workers from the wet market that have extended services to send goods to the door of their customers. Food deliveries and even Starbucks are sending straight to the doorstep, for which we are still thankful for.

Supermarkets like Tesco and retailers like 7-Eleven are also changing their business times to work with the Mandatory Restriction Order (MRO).

For my town, people has been compliant. Although I still see other states and other areas there are still people in largely dense population areas, as such teenagers hanging out at neighbours’ houses.

The police have since gone through housing estates on their loudspeakers chasing these groups into their own houses, and clearing playgrounds and parks. Some areas where required, the army has been dispatched for assistance.

These things are still beyond for some. There is only so much we can do about the situation.

For those still in countries without any lockdown, please:

1. Learn to wash your private parts with a hose so you don’t have to join in the rush for toilet paper. Just get a plastic hose and link it to a tap if it is within reach. If not, use a soda/mineral water bottle filled with tap water and do the wash. Wash your hands with soap after.

2. Don’t wear shoes in the house. The shoes for outside, is for outside. Have separate slippers for in the house. I actually don’t understand the concept of bringing the dirt from outside to all over the house until up on the bed.

3. Have wet wipes and the sanitiser spray in your handbag/purse. Keep one wet wipes in the car as well.

4. Have 1 box of mask and 1 box of gloves at your door. Only to be used for those who need to be the one going out. One person only to be doing all the shopping for the household. If need be to go out for other reason, 1 person only.

5. Spray your gloves with sanitiser first before taking them off and disposing them properly. Dispose your mask properly as well. Spray on a wet tissue and run them over your vehicle steering.

6. After coming home from errands/work outside, please spray yourself with sanitiser and shower immediately. Put your clothes for washing in a plastic bag so no particles from outside can meld with others in the house.

7. Purchase only what you need. Others need the same items you need to have too.

8. For consumption of fresh food, please douse your vegetables and fruits in salt water for 1-3 minutes. We don’t know who would have touched them before you.

9. Please avoid playgrounds, jogging outside, parks and NO GYMS. I understand the antsy-ness of not being able to do the things you are accustomed to. Find other alternatives, please.

10. During this troubled times, please have concern for our family and neighbours who are without assistance. Ask if there is anything you can do for them. If they have enough to run with during the lockdown. You may be able to help them buy coordinating buys of groceries or other needs and sending them over their doorstep. There’s no harm in sending over food too. But just please leave them on their doorstep for the transaction so you can be at safe distant from them.

Be mindful because some of us may have better antibodies, and not know we have it. But bear in mind, we could be a carrier. This would harm others for our own ignorance.

This is all that I have at the top of my head.

Please know that if any deaths of CORVID-19, the burial will have to handled by the hospital. The body will be double wrapped in plastic and buried without family being able to see from the last they entered the hospital.

Keep safe, be vigilant and considerate at all times. Hopefully the loop will end soon.

Sending love from across the world.

The Lockdown

The days have been hectic.

I’ve been running around setting up for the people in the office to work from home. Then I found the lack of planning in the office for external customers to be calling in on our products. These callers would be pressing random numbers just simply to getting somebody to speak to. And nobody could figure out how to set the phones to the staffs’ mobile number.

So my husband called and I told this. He was like, why make it into my problem when the mistake is up to others’ lack of planning. But I wanted to make sure we are okay when we leave office.

Feeling fed up, I left early from the office yesterday. And today, I only came in now to set up a laptop for a colleague. I just decided to free my hands in the air.

It is true as he said to me, nobody even cares while they’re at home, getting all things done sorting stuffs for their household. They just kept asking if I could help to wake up their PCs to be online at home.

So I went to the supermarket getting stuffs for 3 households. Lucky for me, Malaysians are considerate people. I felt bad looking at my truck load of trolley while others only took what was necessary only. But they were forgiving as I separated the items for easy packing and transfer later on.

Then I start to think about the financial issue that my husband just brought up saying I like to spend my money and am bad at managing it. I think it was also triggered because I have been buying clothes for the kids lately.

Well, one boy is turning 17 and his body is changing. He eats a lot too. And the other 14 yo boy and 12 yo girl is going through the growth spurt. So the clothes they have gets outgrown fast. And because of this, they eat a lot too.

All in all… I look forward to the weekend. I’ve bought stuffs to cook Chicken Rice for lunch tomorrow. But now I remember I forgot to get red chilli for the sauce. And honey for the chicken. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

The IT will have to still come to extend their services over the weekend to set up for those working from home. Programming laptops and making sure those vital ones can access the internal systems to move the supply of medicine and medical products around the country.

I hope everyone is well across the country and all over the world.

Sending love.