I feel such empty.
All I need is some lamb.
That’ll fix it.
I feel such empty.
All I need is some lamb.
That’ll fix it.
It’s past midnight. Usually I would not text him. But I did. He’s going into bed. Good. He needs good rest. And I wonder what next to do.
I fell asleep as soon as I picked up Talullah from school. Having bad bowel movement for now. Woke up half an hour later. And now both Elliot and Talullah are sleeping. Adam is still awake with his flight simulation I suppose.
Making some beef stew for the fetaway with the girls. I am actually on the fence with beef stew and lasagna. I cry everytime I make the delicious thing. I’ve tried the no boil lasagna but it doesn’t soft after baking. So I boil them and sit there on the floor as it boils to pile them up in layers of bolognese sauce, spinach, pasta and the white stuff. Yes, on the floor. In tears and obvious sweat.
Life. I’m just stringing along with it. I don’t enjoy working right now. Zoned out too many times. Especially when I have twitches on my right eye and then left eye and it switches or goes on together. It doesn’t help much when vision has gone blurry with the glasses on bifocal and astig new power from last December. I feel old. Yeah. Bifocal. Lol.
At the top of my mind I feel that Selena should stay with Abel. He shouldn’t be hanging onto ‘Let her go if you love her’. Yes, distance strain relationships. But if you really love her, you should soon realize that you have to fight to keep her. I’ve gone through those cycles way before I married. So it’s a shame because I really feel they can work it out.
Again for myself, I leave my heartaches behind. Heartaches for the friends I love and care for. Separated by time, regret and annoyance. Ultimately by their choice.
I forgive myself for whatever reason they have for not wanting to be in friendship with me. It’s painful for me to let go. But I cannot proceed forward if I don’t let the disappointment go.
Do I really care for them? Yes. I don’t have many spaces for the special ones. But they are very much close to my heart. Very close. So I get hurt when approaching them and nothing from them.
Hey look. You’ve done your part. You can’t expect them to give what they don’t want to. Right? Right. So stop hanging onto them. They don’t deserve your care until when they are wounded. It is their choice to manage the relationship if they wish it to be one. Maybe my own expectations are too high and the moments when I speak, all comes falling through are self-absorbed things. Right? So…
Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.
I forgive the few people. I forgive my own shortcomings. I forgive my self-absorption. I forgive for my expectations.
This is the second time I’m doing this. Obviously I haven’t managed it well. Maybe there could be a third time. But people say third time’s a charm right? Shrugs.
I won’t forgive what I hoped for you. I wish you all well so I can move on.
So goodbye those people. I let you go. Sigh.
Moving onto clearer pasture.
At the pit of my stomach, I feel that people are ignoring me in the office. Not the major ones, they are the ones who are the support and pillars of their bosses.
Here’s the confession:
1. My staff’s claim went missing. It was a hectic month for claims. I had to ask 2 people to help send some of them up periodically. I couldn’t find them at my end and went crazy… While 1 assistant went calling sheepishly ‘upstairs’ behind and I could hear, “Found them already? Okay, great!” – Turns out it was in IN Tray instead of CLAIMS Tray. I look stupid, I feel.
2. I had just applied to be on a course that my supervisor approved. It would be great to attend because Sunshine, Eden and Sue has been put in the loop. In the end Sunshine’s new supervisor doesn’t allow her. Sue can’t attend because she has attended something else earlier. And as at yesterday, my Director tells me to hold all external paid training off for this year. So that’s left with Eden alone in class. So it’s like, who am I trying to apply a course outside when everyone else’s assistant tries to attend internal ones?
3. I don’t know I’m just paranoid. Ultimately it is I who want to be left alone.
I want to be ignored for now because… I miss him. I really do. I just can’t do this life anymore.
I thought of calling him this morning. Found a photo of him and Talullah when she was a pudgy 2 year-old. But I put if off until I get to the office. Then I put on my hands-free, still putting off calling. I thought about what to say. I feel so disabled and fail myself at this communication. Looked back at what I shared. At the back of my mind it was just going through a quick overthinking. Until my eyes caught the photo again. I saw his fingers, hand, and arm around our little girl.
There was a time when I used to stare at him, just swallow in what I saw and tried to memorize. My eyes leaked instantaneously. The scent of the skin. The texture, the veins. The face on the neck. The presence. The presence. The presence.
We’ve been like this for almost forever. Near, but apart. I don’t know what to think of. So I wrote him:
“I miss you. But I think I will cry if I talk to you now. The feeling is on right now haha.”
There’s no actual ‘HAHA’ there, right? So I HAHA-ed myself wiping tears with my sleeves, then walking fast to the toilet before locking myself in a cubicle.
Doesn’t it feel lonely in a world of foggy apple mints and rainbow farts from unicorn, that you want someone to come save you? You know someone will, and you know you will save yourself too, but you’re just standing in the middle the town on a hill swinging skirt of your dress with blue pigtails and fuchsia ends and purple ribbons.
That’s just how I exactly feel. Whipping air in psychedelic colour that smells of cotton candy as you wait there under the big tree on the hill with baskets of peach pie, strawberry filled and glazed donuts, cinnamon sticks and lasagna. Big Thermos of black coffee. With Jodi Picoult in hand. On the checked picnic rug.
I feel someone’s hand reaching on in me as I write this. Yes, we can sit here together. Share what I’ve brought and have the coffee too. We sit here and wait. We’re okay by ourselves anyway.
Edited: Spelling mistakes are hmmm… and possible misconstrued innocence gone wrong. So we edit.
I wish that our HR will stop asking for stupid things in this vast space of hundreds of people. Waste of time and effort with multiple papers flying around when all people want to do is to be paperless.
The first thing I do when I see her, is hug her. Miss Brown has got this spot in me where she sees the same lines of black, white and gray as I. Her questions are never silly and I appreciate to be able to watch her bloom. Isn’t it always? The seed is in the ground and watch it grow, you straighten it every now and then and wait for it to bloom and flourish.
Each individual have their place in my garden. They bloom and flourish in the their own way. Sometimes they need a break, mind space, heart space, room to talk and someone to just be present to listen to their rants.
Miss Brown listens. And she listened to my story, to the one I broke down on. How I told my mother that I would ready to leave if need be just because living without him when he is near is no different that how it was when we divorced 5 years ago. Just keep sending the kids’ expenses like how it was and you don’t have to commit your life with me. It gets easier when life is kept simple.
The thought of other friends came through. Or people who only sought for me when they need to only.
I don’t let the thought of it bother me. They needed help and I was sincere to help them. Whatever they decide thereon after, to leave most usually, then go. I have done my part and I let go so I don’t get hurt. I let go so I don’t become emotional. I let go so I can forgive and move on with my life.
You know, there are a million things I could do for myself. But it all depends whether I want to do/allow them or not. Like being wounded for other people’s bad decision making i.e. make me feel used, invisible, etc. So I let it pass because I think God put me at the right time and situation for them. It is their decision and responsibility to build/re-build/maintain what can be built.
So I want to put my yesterday’s miseries somewhere. I just wanna walk away because I’m just f*cking tired to even be within an inch of it. Too many other things that I have to clear and I have no freaking time to let anything else pull me down.
And this is me today. To being alert and honking at self for self-check.
I actually have things to do. But I have to do this first to clear my head.
For the past two weeks, things have been a bit rocky for me. One, I had the worst period cramping that I can remember. I was down for 2.5 days with bad cramping, stomachache and multiple times to the toilet for No.2. It felt like my whole stomach and uterus was ripping itself out. I could have possibly passed out instead of falling asleep on the first day the period came.
The emotional roller coaster ride came again when DH had to be at work on most days. We had 2 nights of being able to share the bed together each week, and at knock out. They were lonely nights and days for me. His mom was asking about him. The same asking if there is any hanky panky going around with him that I have answered NO to. Although the question has left me in paranoia, just because it was his mother asking.
Here is the thing that I have figured out for myself. Loneliness is a tragedy for me. I don’t mind being alone. And my box of emotions can only take in a certain limit. Surplus of it will make me go into a hum with my brain in the fog. I would be useless then. Will not be able to even think for myself, more even to manage other people. Adding paranoia to that list.
Well, I thought that I had a release from the short trip taken. I was chatty and calling DH a few times in a day just to blurt whatever out. That is the opposite of what I have been with him since his schedules have turned crazy. Then, yesterday happened.
He was home for a few hours. My android wasn’t connecting to a website we needed to go in and I asked for his. “Hang on a minute, I need to follow up with something,” and ends up calling multiple people for the next 1.5 hours. Later he came asking for a towel (to bring with him to shower at work) and suddenly just left with, “I’m late”.
Instantaneously, I cried. With a pillow on my face. And two kids sitting behind me. They gave me space and didn’t interrupt. Came Elliot into the room, notices me there and hugs me, “Are you crying Mom?” I cried more. He gave me time and then coming back again to pat on my back. He didn’t say anything while doing all that.
Got up and washed my face. I wrote a long text while sitting on the toilet with a cigarette in my hand. I asked, why am I hurt? Am I invisible? Don’t I mean anything? I asked all the questions that I have covered in fogs and flowerbeds with rainbow unicorns. I didn’t even know to whom I was writing to. It all just needed to be out. It was hurting me.
SIL1 then came within half and hour to whisk me off for a drink. I sent the text to her. Since I’ve had written all out, my brain was much more in order. I got my issues said with her, that I had no one else to talk to, I was just overwhelmed. She listened with compassion. It definitely felt better afterwards.
Later in the evening, DH texted me. “I’m tired”.
My response was:
So am I.
I am tired.
Of being alone.
Of not getting time with you.
Of not getting family time with you.
But I have no choice.
…and the text continues…
He responded: I am also tired of this situation.
And he came home last night. I told him that I cannot be strong all the time. There are times when I need him to be around, to participate, to support, to rely on.
I told SIL1 that he says that there is 2 more weeks only until the project ends. The next one will be in January. We’ll see how December will work for us. Because I am tired. And I want to walk away. I just can’t do this sh*t anymore. It’s just like this life is led without a partner. So may as well be it that way.
Tired. I need sleep. To settle with self.
I went on a trip where I was really just apprehensive before leaving for. Internally I was telling myself that it was something I needed but at the same time I was convinced the plane would fall with me in it (Not that I’ve never flown before. It’s just that each time I’m about to menstruate I feel like it’s my last departure at life. I know…). And when I went on it, I wasn’t sure if I did let go and let live myself with it.
There are things that I’m amazed with afterwards. It’s this connection with 3 other random people whom I met up only once for a 2-day external training last year. We literally went into a group chat just a month before the trip. The chemistry works I guess. And I’m like, now wondering how easily we were in underwear, t-shirts, bra-less, even one went to the loo next to me while I doing my eyebrows over the sink.
Why did I go through it feeling fuzzy? Hey dear self, please don’t be so blur within yourself please.
Okay let me draw it out like Dumbledore does to pull out his memories.
So I only brought back 4 food items and several pieces of material. Sunshine on the other hand, burst own baggage and we had to purchase check-in baggage.
This was hilarious enough for me because I packed for both of us. Light stuffs in backpack, heavy ones in the package to check in. Mine would all fit into my backpack and cabin luggage. So a few hours before leaving for the airport, Sunshine decided she needed to visit the nearby culture street around the hotel. Off we went and she came back with and extra 2kgs of things that… imposed the penalty for having an excess of 1.5kg for the check-in luggage.
Note: She warned me about to not bring back anything because she has not intention whatsoever to buy check-in luggage. OKAY Sunshine…
Another Note: We had to buy check-in luggage the night before.
Sunshine is just rearing to go. She has already set another place for us to go in a few months. I appreciate her transparency. So I to told her, “Don’t be buying yourself anything now coz we ain’t buying any check-in luggage for that trip!” Sheepish is a word. She has her sight set on kitchenware. I have no idea.
So did I enjoy myself? I suppose so. I let myself do whatever I felt like. I burned easily like Eden with all sensitive skin. Together we waited under trees for Sue and Sunshine jumping all over under the sun at noon. I suppose we are just, take it as we are.
DH didn’t try to call me throughout my entire trip. Neither did I. I didn’t feel like it (insert outburst laughter here). I think he was trying to give me the time respect as I have been giving him for his whatevers. He made time for the kids, brought them to the supermarket, dinner and I’m thankful for that. Maybe I need to do this more often then? And he has since began calling me at random times again. I suppose that’s a good thing. *muah muah*
Sunshine, Eden and Sue. These new people will definitely be somewhere in my future. Hopefully, for a very long time.
Today was a little frazzled. No, not really. The days before was.
That song “He’s a jerk” is still going repeatedly in my head and I have no idea how to stop it. I am asking myself why I married him the second time? It’s not that I don’t understand that he loves challenging jobs, but it’s we’re all tired. I’m tired of this dormitory relationship like. I’m sick of putting my hands up and eat myself away because I feel like sh*t inside. I’m out of ideas what to do with the kids. Most of the time I know I’m a sh*tty mom.
I know I just can’t make of it. I become disabled and in nothingness when I just dismiss it. At this point, how he had abandoned me to settle the whole accident by myself, has brought me to this other level of not too sure what of inside. I’m just clearly pissed with this situation. Then why would I need a man if I am taking care of things myself?
So anyway, I’m going on a trip tomorrow. Just by myself. I think I deserve it. Even if it is for over the weekend.