Non-amble Paces

I feel like I’m on treading in empty spaces. Like when I speak, I offend people. When I share something, the subject is imposing. When I call, I’m too boring. When I ask for a cuppa, they don’t know how to deal with me.

I get it. I can get too heavy about something. It isn’t about constant arguing, as some might say. Like, the thing is A and therefore there is no change for A; where as I would debate about it. It’s just the way how my brain is. Being able to debate is like drawing myself out because I debate in my head all the time. I supersize myself and downsize myself 1000 times at the same time a million times a day.

I’ve also taught myself amble and being mindful of what is spoken, what it heard, in the aspects of sensitivity and acceptance, compromise, diplomacy. In what many has evolved for me. So in someways, I feel disappointed, sad.

But I’m justifying it’s okay because…

(1) One friend knows she’s a bitch and couldn’t care less about what you think – that’s why I love her – but, she gets into a silent bitch-fit most of the time. Ignore you when she feels you’re out of line even if the gap has been long. Like, “Are you contacting me for your own self-validation? Please go jump off the cliff for me”. So most of time, I’d have to go kamikaze when touching base with her. 60% of the time lately, I think I’ve annoyed her. So…

(2) A single mom that I’m an open book for, shuts herself from the world because of self-shame. She borrowed some and then cuts me off because she can’t pay back. I hate it when she does this. Of course I understand the struggle being a single mom. Further self-shame and refuses all contact where in the end she will be too ashamed to have any contact at all. Why does she do this to herself?

(3) Ms Brown travels a lot. We only have occasional lunch when she’s free. She won’t be free these few months.

(4) Ms White has left the company. So it’s just tagging on and off on social media.

(5) SIL1 is having a gap. We haven’t met in a few months despite all living close by.

(6) SIL3 is busy with her little sister’s wedding.

(7) SIL4 has injury in the relations since I took back my car. Not that we have any problem with each other directly. It’s just being considerate with each other’s feelings, I suppose.

(8) SIL5 talks to no one.

(9) Ms Luncheon is away for slip disc treatment. So I’ve not been going out for lunch. Not because I can’t. But because I don’t feel it’s worth the effort going by myself.

I sound pathetic. There are others out there to be friends with, but they drain the energy out of me. It’s easier to just cut them off. But then I fall lonely. So I fight with my kids while shushing them while playing Rising Super Chef 2 just because I couldn’t concentrate and wasn’t winning.

Maybe life after 40 is sometimes miserable. I’ve never felt any more stupid than this. This loneliness; one said, doesn’t justify to bother other people just because you’re lonely and expect people to be emotionally ready to have you. This feeling that I am an ass. A jackass. For some reason. Because friendship and relationship is effort. And the colleagues in the office are in the range of 5-15 years younger than I am. My mind is beyond me.

There is an emotion somewhat I’m feeling in my chest while writing this. I can’t put my finger on. Is it sadness? Is it disappointment? Is it loss?

Dear God,

Please bless those people who are in my mind and in my heart. Give them a good day, good wealth and health. Provide them a happy surprise and grant them their good wishes.

I shouldn’t be offended or disappointed that at this time, it is not my time with them; because I know You know best for us.

Please help to heal this dull hurt in my chest.

Please fill them with other things that are meant to be.

Please allow me to shed tears if need be. You know better how hard it is for me to cry. So long it helps to release what it feels.

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Now all I could think of is going home with some Jamoca Almond Fudge, having it while running through watching Kitchen Cousins and Fixer Upper. I think it sounds perfect. But I’m very sure my evening will end far different that what I wish for it to be.

Shimmery Shim Shim

The weather has been quite hot. ┬áIt keeps forcing my brain to fall asleep in the weirdest way and times possible. Like, I could sleep under my table right now if I could. But it’s a transparent table so, no. The sleepiness is not as bad as yesterday. It’s like, Sandman is working overtime with all that sleepy shimmer over me.

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These few weeks has also been cray cray. It is also cray cray when important emails get relayed too delayed that it crack heads. Literally cracking all the head of all the heads. Shimmery heads. No one wonder men go bald. Us women just drive them to losing their hair! Lol.

I think I need to go to the gym again. I feel sluggish, alone, a little stressed with over spending on online shopping (ugh – with over allowed credit limit… double ugh) and I need to learn how to depend on myself again. Like, kicking my own ass for being lazy, procrastinator an unmotivated. My foot isn’t getting anywhere near my ass. I would need pixie dust for that.

Talking about gym, my plantar fasciitis is probably healing. I don’t take as much time or neither it caused as much pain whenever I need to get up from sitting. But I do want it to heal properly. Maybe to give it another 2 weeks because I still feel the heat on the heel, with less pain in the center. So this is good progress.

Well, it has been a challenging 3 weeks in the office. And I sure do need longer weekends. So right now I need to clear my table and get home.

Sensory overload, it says.

I was on some depressing emotional rampage for the past few weeks. Left questions unanswered on forums, that led to thinking if I am crazy. Approached my sister on how to see a psychiatrist in the hospital because I feel that I could be in a depressive period right now. She explained, I took note and went home.

Then I began blasting at DH telling him I was unhappy and everyone else was ignoring me like I’m invisible. One by one. Up to the second day, he tells me that he doesn’t know what I want, because he was responding to me.

(Okay, between now and the man married earlier, he has flexed 90% to attempt absorbing my membrane. He is trying, bending for me; which I appreciate very much.)

I let it cool. Before, I began prodding into forums asking stuffs randomly – I couldn’t put my finger on anything. Not until someone approached me and told me that I had been sucking the bad energy from everyone. My soul was open and doing clean up charity work for other people, who all happened to be in a delirious state of mind, through the weeks. That was why I frazzled, foggy and lost, and bumping conversations in my head full of cloudiness whatevers.

He asked me, “Haven’t you noticed how drained you have been, just carrying yourself around?”

It was true. I had been falling asleep against my will, in a fashion I never was. Knocking out on the workstation before lunch for solid 1 hour sleep. Or keep going in and out of sleep trance for 2 hours in the afternoon. Hmm.

Moving on, I posted on an inquiry again on forums, and the question returned was if I was feeling the hurt emotionally or physically. It took me overnight to think of an answer. And I forgot that I am an empath and INFJ. I was feeling it emotionally, it was affecting me physically.

So I am reminding myself that CANNOT be an open book.

I forgot and became vulnerable. And now I have to be pissed all the time because that’s the only thing that works so far that I can remember.

 

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I must remember this. But alas.

There are days when confidence is low. She feel hers drain away. She realises it has gone off for sometime but it is gone most this week.

The car has broken down again. Left just her and the kids. What she does know is that doesn’t feel helpless this time. Support has been offered throughout. Even getting to work and going home was with assisted lifts from the ones around her. They are kind.

When she speaks, no one listens. She is not heard. Her voice has been meek. No one realises they are spoken to. It makes her feel she intrudes into conversations, spaces and lives. She doesn’t like stepping onto people’s toes. Lonely, she feels. Even the things she writes in group messages are not responded to.

Who is she anyways to deserve their response?

Maybe she will get past this soon. She hopes it will soon pass because it feels sh*tty running around like this.

 

Circular Motion

I want to pick myself up. My assessment result was poorly.

I no longer have the strength of wanting to do things that has no feeling of continuity by others. There is no respect in stuffs I do. I no longer love my job. I hate every inch of it and I struggle with it daily. I’m tired of having to be everyone else’s mother and call center. That is all the blunt truth. An insult to my own intelligence. The door mat who is out of loop with the news because everyone else is a mystery in the department. Like, WTH?

But of course what I told my boss was, only that no one listens to me. Each time I send an email to remind them not to bypass me when handing over a document, it still happens. I end up doing the cleaning myself, rearranging of office etc myself. And no one bothers to maintain them. I get tired.

Then she gives me… “You manage it. Get everyone to help you because it is a joint job to keep clean and clutter free office”. I looked down as I played with my fingers. It feels terrible.

At the end of the day, I just slumped over until Mr Tortoise signs me cigarette break. I took my stuff and couldn’t care less how cluttered my table was. My whole body unit already felt out of whack. So I followed him into his car and tells him about my day. He listened. Then he proposed me a job on incentive scheme still in the same department, just different unit. It is something different. But I still have to think about it as any change for the placement will not be within this short period of time.

Through the internet, I looked for Hector. Hector picks me up.

hector

And so I remind myself, “We all have an obligation to be happy”. Only works better after this short nap.

I hope this does good to you too.

Awesome

The assessment mood is on. But I haven’t done anything about it. Instead I insisted on going shopping for the office pantry rather than stay and be bothered by all the other things you have to spend time thinking until your brain hurts.

I no longer have the strength to doing that. I decided that I don’t want to invest understanding and compassion to the limit that I can. The ride has been passive-aggressive until I am really self-sabotaging myself. So much of being smart ass that I do myself this much of favour.

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I’m so tired right now. We’re out of running water in the office due to some pipe burst, I want to wee but I can’t go. My back is itchy. Table is not in a mess but I can see 4 major things to do, not including the assessment papers. Need to pick up Talullah from school. Then have to send Elliot for tuition (Ughh the driving again).

And Adam’s teacher called me today. He hasn’t been producing any exercise book school. It’s already meeting August.

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ME, WHEN I GOT THE CALL.

I have no idea how to deal with this. More that DH has an office function that he has to attend to tonight so I’m left to deal with all the sh*t stories.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, perhaps the right word for it is awesome.

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Oh, so awesome.

The Daily Post: Disastrous