Paving your way through a struggle

It takes a while to begin something. Some can have abrupt ends. Some take time to end and hurt like hell when it does. But there is only one undeniable thing when it does; it gives you a new beginning.

You will learn to walk away from all the baggage labelled pain, regret, anger, worry etc that you’ve been hauling around. You will learn to sift through what you need and move on. This inner strength that makes you be decisive, able to say no, and not stay in the same form of cycle again.

The bend on the road can change. Sometimes it takes you to be the first one to pave its way.

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Shocking pink it is

Breakfast was tasteless. Maybe because I didn’t make it myself – bought from the cafe when made delivery. What a statement, because I didn’t make it myself. Lol. I don’t care. A bit thoughtless this morning. Towards myself. It could have been triggered by this morning’s incident.

So I delivered Cafe’s order of traditional cakes. Then this happened:

Jay: Hey, you have the cakes to sell? Can I see? (She sees) Can I have the little green ones?

Me: Cafe’s. For meetings today.

She nods and presses. “Do you have anymore in the car?” I tell her where to get it.    (Note: I supply them to my office floor on daily basis) She took 5 and stood next to me when this transpired between me and the Cafe Man.

He hands me the money of the transaction for 2 boxes of traditional cakes, Type A and B.

Cafe Man: I thought your mom said there will only be Type A, because Type B didn’t quite make?

Me: Huh?

He shares me the message my mom sent to him earlier this morning about Type B; it didn’t come of product so only the other will be given to him.

Me: So, what do you want to do with it? I am just delivering.

Then Cafe Man’s mobile rang – my mom was calling. I left mine in the car, she tried calling me first. They spoke. Cafe Man hands over his mobile.

My Mom: Tell Cafe Man to discard. The product’s not good. Ask him to not use it.

The line wasn’t good. She couldn’t hear. She kept saying my name. I began yelling. I must’ve been some rude daughter there, especially when my mom suddenly paused and said, “*eerie pause* OK”. Sigh.

Jay: Eh so the Type B didn’t make it, did it? (with doe-y eyes)

Me: Yeah (and began walking away)

Jay: So, it was too soft for serving, aye?

Me: (Really walking away) Sometimes it happens, yes.

Jay kept talking and I kept walking away while talking to myself loudly.

Thank you Jay. For this validation, that yes, after this brief reassessment (lol), it was never wrong of judgement on how annoying you have been from the early days of us being colleagues.

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Seriously now. What is the answer or outcome that you want to have from that menial prodding? You’re so nosy (cuss word inserted here). And you’ll never find out what panty colour I have on today.

It’s shocking pink by the way. Lol.

 

I have no title for this

Ed Sheeren is slowly singing at me about loving me even at 73. My eyes are falling tired even though I am fresh in the office. Not willing to pick up my face to face M. I just can’t deal with her; won’t deal anymore.

She has been through this ordeal in January. Then it was medical leave after another, it became 2 months. You can’t expect me to be emotionally available when after all, I have said what I needed to say months before that. So when things started happening, you have to learn to pick your pieces up by yourself. I just… can’t. I need to save that little for me. And I know I need it more than you do.

Of all the people, Pink talks more sense to me. I need to reconnect myself. I’m all over the place.

So in this private space, I am now on metformin. Based on my HPA1C test, I have a Type 2 Diabetes. I also have PCOS, hypertension with 3 episodes of TIA. Have been getting boils and as at last Thursday, a bubble of something at the edge of my inner thigh/buttock with no sign of it shrinking or having a point to categorize it as a boil.

The doctor tells me I need to get to a gynae if there is no improvement or if it causes me pain. It could be a cyst. That was also when she explained that I needed to get on metformin because the lack of insulin is making my skin break so that is why I have been getting boils for the last few months.

DH doesn’t know about the added medication.

I feel like crap.

Get me a corner for me to cry please.

So, yes, really M. I’ve moved on. I am not wiling to be there for you when you self-sympathize yourself on things that you should have done. Because I need to get hold of whatever that I have for me. That would be the most unselfish thing I can do for myself.

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Now I need cigaretts.

Silent struggle

6 more days before payout. Obvious enough how we live paycheck to paycheck. When people assume you are doing well but you’re not. You struggle but you don’t even show yourself that you are. Silently just drawing out breathe out.

The only reward to yourself is finally getting a good night sleep. And all the things that money can’t buy.

For the life and love for this INFJ. 

Strength is not an easy thing to achieve. But you have to work on it. It takes effort. Then, it would take time. However, you fall back on effort; because you don’t have the fire to burn it for yourself. Every so often also you will self-sabotage causing further unnecessary pain. So you wallow, feel the lack of love and start to eat anything and everything that comes in your way. You do know you have yourself to blame. Until it gets to the time you know you deserve to feel happy.

It falls flat. This new realisation comes when daily life is so busy that you have no time to think for yourself; having to make quick, clever decisions and get done to get on with something else. Yes, it will be loathed. There will be a lot of cursing and telling as well as reminding yourself and everyone else about their stupidity as it goes. But you, get through the day. You, would have achieved something. You, would in the end feel purposeful and done good.

Papers strewn all over. Workstation is acceptable clean and organised but not at the standard of national clean and tidy or normalcy. But they are workable. 3 types of 3 things that reminds you of who you are and allow a glimmer of smile at the edge of you heart on mundane days. You always know there is something you can settle. Even that can of soda that has been sitting on the workstation for over a year has meaning, just because it’s more soothing to look at than to drink it because it will finish and become trash.

There are also days you need to write first before you can work. Eat first, read the news and gossip first, coffee first… those are you little factors.

Happiness, picked up in tiny spaces, little things. Kisses on the forehead, rubbing nose with the cat, purple lipstick, olive green eyeliner, the colour of fabric hanging on the liners. Little things. Little things matter. You matter. It will rain, there will be sunshine and flowers. There will be a rainbow. Hang in there. You know you love yourself, only sometimes you forget how, and how to get back into the cycle. But you know you really do love yourself. Never compromise of how important you are, especially with yourself.

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The Daily Prompt: RestartAbove | Messy | Fabric | Typical | Branch | Fact | Uncompromising

 

A heart of the unhappy.

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If only I can say the same to myself.

How my pain is someone else’s strength. I advocate life and self-love, but deny it onto myself. Am I a robot? It feels like it sometimes. I just want to feel appreciation that is something I must do for myself. So hard. So harsh of a reality. For how long more?

But this is alas, a heart of the unhappy.

The Daily Prompt: Dim